I have a serious shidduch quandary and since it appears that Matzav.com is the central place for shidduch-related discussions, I will present my problem, in brief, here. Any words of advice are appreciated.
I have dated a girl twice. So far, everything has gone well. I have no problems and I am willing – and even eager – to continue dating. But something has surfaced that has thrown me and my parents for a loop.
We have discovered that in a previous shidduch for a different daughter, the prospective mechutan had promised a certain amount of monetary support for a certain number of years. How much and for how long is not important at all. What is important is that within the first year, the mechutan reneged. He simply stopped giving what he had promised. (It does not appear to be because of financial reasons.) Whether his original promise was just a ploy to get his daughter married or not is not clear. We have confirmed this information 100%.
So, dear Matzav readers, we are confused. We approached the shadchan and shared our concerns, but she says that he is a man of his word. In fact, though we didn’t ask about money, we were told through the shadchan that he would be giving x amount for x number of years should our shidduch come to fruition. The shadchan swears up and down that this is what he has promised and that this is what he will give, notwithstanding whatever we may have heard about a previous commitment to a different child that wasn’t kept.
Now, understand that our dilemma is not about whether we will get a certain amount of money. The issue here is not about money. My parents are okay financially, and though it is customary for the girl’s father to provide some form of support during the first few years of marriage, my parents could probably step in and do that if it was ever really necessary.
The issue here is the trustworthiness of this potential father-in-law of mine. I need to know that I can trust and respect him. But how can I respect someone who either can’t keep his word or will say things to get what he needs – in this case, getting his previous daughter married?
On the other hand, perhaps I don’t really know what went on, though I have gotten the information from a brother of the son-in-law who was left hanging out to dry – reliable, factual information that was clearly letoeles for a number of reasons.
So, again, this is not a money issue or me and my parents asking for an oath of thousands of dollars per month, plus a house, a car, a yacht, and who knows what. It comes down to the emes, the honesty, the trustworthiness of the girl’s father.
We are in a quandary because the girl is super, from a fantastic family, and the father has an excellent reputation. But he has this blemish that we are aware of. How can I look at a man who doesn’t keep his word? Or am I to be dan lekaf zechus despite hearing 100% reliable information otherwise?
Any suggestions or guidance would be appreciated.
Confused From Flatbush