A Reader Writes: Dealing With the Shidduch Crisis - A New Idea
Dear Editor,
In recent years, there has been a concerted effort to solve the shidduch crisis. Some of the recent developments in the world of shidduchim have truly changed the shidduch system as we have known it. However, there is no question that the challenges faced by many singles still exist.
As single Bais Yaakov girls in our mid-twenties, having dated for several years, we’d like to advocate a practical idea that could be easily implemented. Having, boruch Hashem, had the opportunity to attend many weddings over the years, we have been approached by many people who have asked us about the kinds of boys we’re looking for and even suggested specific ideas. Often, these boys are at the very same wedding, just on the other side of the mechitzah. It’s not uncommon for a boy or girl to be pointed out to each other at a wedding, so why not a formal introduction?
At any given wedding, there are married couples who are in the position to introduce girls and boys. We believe that it could be constructive to arrange introductions and brief meetings during the inevitable down time. If an initial meeting could be arranged at a wedding when the girl has already invested the time to look her best and the boy has already made the trip, time could be saved on both ends. The boys often have long lists of girls who sound similar and even a short meeting can be helpful in bringing the person on paper to life. If the meeting is suggested by someone you know and trust, it could be worthwhile to meet the prospective person for a few minutes, even before the research is done to ascertain whether a date is worthwhile.
It’s always difficult to make a change to an established system, and we know that this is not a perfect solution, but we strongly believe that this concept has potential.
May we be zoche to see simchos lead to new simchos!
From Behind the Mechitzah
32 Responses to “A Reader Writes: Dealing With the Shidduch Crisis - A New Idea”
2. Comment from tzippi
Time June 29, 2009 at 2:26 PM
From Behind the Mechitzah, may Hashem be memalah kol mishalos libchem, l’tova. You may be on to something.
I heard before a recent chasuna the mother mentioning that accomodations for the bachurim who came in were chosen very carefully, their hosts being people who would try to get something going with the local girls while they were still there.
3. Comment from eli
Time June 29, 2009 at 2:47 PM
to # 1
wow! what a generalization!
4. Comment from AG
Time June 29, 2009 at 3:13 PM
Without closing the age gap you are wasting your time. The boys get married (to females) with our without these ideas. The only way to help ease the crisis is to encourage close in age shidduchim.
Perhaps implementing such a suggestion would enable boys to get engaged slighty earlier-thus slightly younger_ (because they won’t waste time dating following up on not relevant suggestons) and thus close the gap slightly.
If so GO FOR IT
5. Comment from just stop
Time June 29, 2009 at 4:02 PM
i your guess your friends wedding is all about you and your happiness.
6. Comment from Chaim
Time June 29, 2009 at 4:08 PM
Great idea! All the goodlooking people will have dates!
7. Comment from Anonymous
Time June 29, 2009 at 4:44 PM
thats not the way we do it .You wont get any rov to sighn that be relistic
8. Comment from Agent Emess
Time June 29, 2009 at 5:04 PM
I run singles events for people in the types of circles where people meet informaly .
However , if we are talking about yeshiva people , I think its a bad idea and contrary to everything we were taught to live by.
9. Comment from annoyed
Time June 29, 2009 at 5:16 PM
Sorry it ain’t appropriate. But how about just creating a bar scene
10. Comment from truth be told
Time June 29, 2009 at 5:16 PM
Terrific idea and a money saver for the parents. No need to rent car, pay for the date, girls and guys look their best and what a grosser mitzvah to introduce at the simchah. Introduce those who are close in age only!!!
11. Comment from Shuey
Time June 29, 2009 at 5:46 PM
To Eli- Is it a generalisation that the avg boy gets married three years older than the avg girl? yes. but thats ok because if IN GENERAL Guys get married later there will be an age gap problem. you have to generalise when your dealing with a problem thats a result of numbers. Guess what? If the AVG Boy should have left four years ago - granted some should stay in yeshiva for a while . but alot shouldve left already. and if the AVG girl is looking for a four year learner- granted some are ok with working guys. but some want ten years, then we have a problem with a LEARNING GAP . think it over. There was a letter to the editor about this like three weeks ago
12. Comment from Chaim is right
Time June 29, 2009 at 5:59 PM
For most of the yeshiva world, this system would result in people putting more stock in looks and first impressions then they would otherwise.. For some though, it would be beneficial. Maybe the guy who was dating for a while ,has very unique tastes etc. maybe. Also I agree with shuey that its a big big problem just its not eight years its prob more like three or four.
13. Comment from Shuey
Time June 29, 2009 at 6:15 PM
The new N.A.S.I. program, ( New Approach to Societies Issues) focuses on the LEARNING GAP instead of the AGE GAP. The goal is to encourage girls to live their life for Hashem instead of only living their life for torah. If you make a shidduch with a ten year girl and a five year guy (and she is happy) 2000 dollars. A short term learning girl with a working guy- also 2000 dollars. This is impossible to implement im just making a point.
14. Comment from Ouch!
Time June 29, 2009 at 6:18 PM
Shuey for President.
15. Comment from Eli
Time June 29, 2009 at 6:21 PM
The Rabanim should sign off on this and find ways to ease the shidduch crisis, which is one of the biggest problems facing Orthodox Judaism. There might not be money involved but helping solve the shidduch crisis by the rabbanim without any monetary benefits is 100 percent necessary.
16. Comment from SUMMARY.
Time June 29, 2009 at 6:38 PM
Iv been closely following Matzav.com discussions about shidduchim for a while. Id like to summarize what I took out from it. A. encourage close in age shidduchim. B. Make boy baaleh teshuva. C. Help kids at risk. D . Encourage girls to date guys based on who they ARE and not just on what they are DOING. E. Support more post Eretz Yisrael Yeshivas , more options. F. Daven. ( I put this last because Hishtadlus is underrated these days).
17. Comment from shawarma
Time June 29, 2009 at 7:02 PM
I know i’m gonna get it from other posters, but it really boils down to girls being picky. Every single girl can get married easily ( I have heard this from my Rav). Today %99 of girls aren’t rachmonos cases.
18. Comment from To shawarma
Time June 29, 2009 at 9:22 PM
Im a guy so its also fun for me to say that girls are to picky. but thats simply not true . if it were then there wouldn be such an age gap with the girls taking their time. what IS true is that girls are told by society and seminaries the wrong thing to look for .this is not the girls fault. The first question they ask is is he learning/working. it should come much later , after , is he nice, happy, responseable, healthy, etc.
19. Comment from Truth
Time June 29, 2009 at 9:35 PM
Learning gap. People know it exists but they sweep it under the rug because its easy to. Like the guy who thinks its just three to four years. its easy to minimise it because few boys want to come out of the closet and admit it. They rather ruin their life for a (potential) girl. Also the failed marriages that result are not exactly announced. The learning gap is very real and very very unhealthy. Ps. Did you ever hear of someone leaving yeshiva for shidduchim?
20. Comment from sam
Time June 29, 2009 at 11:03 PM
ITS THE AGE GAP !!!! WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND? NOTHING ABOUT THE WAY PEOPLE DATE WILL DO ANYTHING.
21. Comment from SHUEY (im not leaving any time soon)
Time June 30, 2009 at 12:33 AM
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHOM ARE SCEPTICAL OF THE LEARNING GAP SPEAK TO SHADCHANIM TO FIND OUT HOW MANY YEARS GIRLS ARE LOOKING FOR. THEN SPEAK TO FRUM THERAPISTS TO FIND OUT HOW MANY YEARS AGO THE AVERAGE GUY SHOULD HAVE LEFT YESHIVA.
22. Comment from Matzav Editor
Time June 30, 2009 at 2:50 AM
Shuey, please email us at editor@matzav.com. We’d like to discuss a shidduch-related matter with you.
Thank you.
23. Comment from RACHMONIM.BNAI.RACHMONIM
Time June 30, 2009 at 9:57 AM
If we really want to get down to business and help, MATZAV should offer to post a list of Shadchanim who are willing to find Shidduchim for the MANY!!!!! girls who are seriously looking to get married to a Baal Midos, whether he be learning or WORKING!!!!
The Klal and the girls are waiting, Matzav!
24. Comment from tzippi
Time June 30, 2009 at 10:48 AM
This learning gap thing is news to me.
My question is, why aren’t people following chanoch l’naar al pi darko? Look at your child, see what’s good for him, and proceed from there.
25. Comment from A person
Time June 30, 2009 at 12:49 PM
To tzippy- The reason why the learning gap is news to you is because of two reasons A. alot is being done by society to hide it. B alot of people dont understand the grave result of it. it would prob be good if someone wrote a letter explaining the many many reasons why this problem is being swept under the rug.
26. Comment from oldTimer
Time June 30, 2009 at 12:55 PM
I have heard that in “old days” Rav Moshe zt”l himself would seat the girls and boys together at heimishe chasanas so they would find appropriate shidduchim.
27. Comment from A person
Time June 30, 2009 at 12:56 PM
also- there is a good reason why people dont practice chanoch linar al pi darko. read political scientists letter about it. and if you have more questions he/she posted his/her contact info. I had some and he explained it .
28. Comment from Anonymous
Time June 30, 2009 at 1:11 PM
can you imagine soon there will be a war i was talking to that guy first. What someone set you guys up he’s mine ,i just think its funny .After the night the guy would have met 10 girls and where would you stand probobly at the bottom unless your rich,skinny,pretty ,smart so what do you say you take back
29. Comment from baltimore bubby
Time June 30, 2009 at 1:46 PM
I recently thought of this very idea but need someone to implement it. For example, there could be a designated shadchan couple at each chasuna who could interview singles after the chuppah and fill out a profile. If they are older, the parents will probably not object to them meeting right then. If younger, the parents might even be at the chasuna or could be called to check out the person. A GREAT IDEA, LETS FIND SOME SHADCHANIM TO GET IT STARTED!
30. Comment from tzippi
Time June 30, 2009 at 1:53 PM
A person: there is a lot of talk about how much harder it is to be a good boy, under those narrow conditions they have.
I think that what jarred me was the numbers - how girls want a ten year boy, but the boys only want five. That is so bizarre. Don’t people realize the mesirus nefesh that can go into one or two years of (unsupported) kollel? I think that this is something that has to be addressed. A boy who says he only wants to learn full time for a few years is looked down on, when if you look at many of the fiftyish rabbonim and maggidei shiur, many of them were out of full time learning within five years! When did we lose our grip on reality? When people spoke honestly, and not cavalierly or with such vulgarity, I think our boys had an easier time being themselves and blossoming into the bnei Torah and current pillars of our communities.
31. Comment from JACK IN THEBOX
Time July 14, 2009 at 2:58 PM
The reason for the shidduch crises it two fold.
There is no more Pioneer and no thursday night iceskating in MSG
32. Comment from jr
Time July 17, 2009 at 5:15 PM
this isn’t novel. This is how normal things work. If you don’t segregate the genders at your Shabbos table, you shouldn’t at a wedding table. If you don’t sit at a separate table from your date, why can’t you meet her at a wedding? these humrot are insane and are killing us?
P.S. Where I come from if a guy’s primary interest in my daughter is my money, he is not a “good boy” and has no business being in my family.
1. Comment from Shuey
Time June 29, 2009 at 2:01 PM
As long as the people on one side of the mechitza are looking for a cumulative average of four years learning, and the people on the other side are cut out to have left yeshiva a cumulative average of FOUR YEARS AGO - a conflict of eight years total- little else thats done has any value.