Compiler of Controversial Shidduch List Apologizes, Releases Revised List


shidduchlist-smallAs reported here on May 25, a shidduch list was released by an individual with the intent to help solve the shidduch crisis has caused somewhat of a crisis on its own. The list contained numerous names of bochurim over the age of 25 in need of shidduchim. The list began making the rounds, when a tumult erupted after it was discovered that the list contained descriptions of the bochurim – based on the girl’s own research or determinations – which were either inaccurate or perceived as unflattering.

The girl who compiled the list has since released an apology, asking mechila from anyone who may have been hurt or offended. A revised list was released in cojunction with the apology.

The text of the apology is as follows:


Attached is an updated shidduch list. Please note that the information in this file was given in a shidduch meeting with a group of women (not shadchanim). Therefore, the information must be verified because it may be inaccurate.


There were many errors and misleading descriptions in the previous list that was sent out.

Additionally, the descriptions previously ascribed to the boys listed were very subjective, with terms that vary in their meaning according to place, community and individual. (examples: yeshivish, not yeshivish, worldly, simple, etc.). Therefore, it was determined that these descriptions should never have been written.


Please make sure to throw out any printed copies as well! By reading and accepting the information on the old list, you are being mekabel lashon hara.

If you have forwarded this list to anyone else, it is your responsibility to make sure that they get this new list with the above message. You should make sure that they delete the old list and throw out any printed copies.

I would like to ask mechila from any boy that was hurt or offended by the descriptions. It was very unintentional.

Thank you.

Y. G.

To view a sample page of the revised list (edited by for privacy), click here

{Elisha Newscenter}




  1. It would be nice if these Yentas could get even the VERIFIABLE facts straight – such as the fact that Cardozo Law School is NOT spelled Kordova…. (frankly, such an error causes everything else they write to be suspect in my book….)
    One has to wonder if some of these people don’t EXACERBATE the shidduch crisis with their behavior as opposed to ameliorate it.
    This letter of apology is kind of like trying to collect the feathers from the pillowcase that were scattered to the wind.
    Too little – too late.

  2. Wrong. We have a shidduch crisis because of the ridiculous inequity of numbers. Namely hundreds and hundreds more girls dating than boys. That is a direct result of what is referred to as the age gap.

  3. Middah K’neged Middah –
    I think a list should go out with the names and personal information for EVERY woman/girl involved in the dissemination of the original list, so we all know who to avoid.
    Then later, we can send out a “retraction letter” telling you to forget all the names you read….
    What *unmitigated GALL* of these women to get on their high horses and start warning everybody of kabbolas lashon hara – lashon hara that THEY spread……

  4. Like I stated before… I personally like the idea of a list..I happened to be mentioned on the list as a reference, and have received dozens of phone calls from mothers and friends of girls wanting to find out more or “do something”. Compiling a list of boys names for girls to be able to be proactive is a very good thing. There are many girls who wait for the phone to ring, and wish they have something tangible they can do (besides davening0. A comprehensive list provides girls the ability of checking out potential leads, and asking their married friend ..who until now says “Oh, I wish my husband had a good guy for you…but he can’t think of any offhand” you can say “How about this specific boy who learned in his yeshiva or lived in his neighborhood”. Many times those inquiries lead to successful matches….and even if no dates actually come out of it for the girl…there is some value of being involved, feeling like you are active, waiting for an answer, feeling like you have some handle on the situation.

    The actual information about the boys interests or personality should be only listed by someone who puts his name down next to it (verified of course).

    After reading the list I myself complied a short list of 8-10 guys who are working between 32-38 years old and not on the list.

    Hatzlocha to all!

  5. very good i support any one who invests time and effort into marring off older girls too boys because it seem that that was the point of this list thank you

  6. Good! Sorry-but i know some boys weren’t 2 thrilled by the way they were described. However, as a single girl in shidduchim for quite a few years and knowing at least 3/4 of the names on the list(having been redd 2 them,dated them, or friends that dated them) it was more than fairly accurate!!!!Let all these boys be embarrassed of what they’re looking for-attractive, thin, degree only, and of course only girls with loads of personality!!!!Never mind-these guys are sitting in BMG-pushing 30 and never did anything with themselves yet!-I’m not saying this 2 mitigate their learning which is very important-however truth is truth and its fully known out there that this is what all these boys are really looking for! Nebech on them that their inner thaughts and wants were put on paper-but its the emes!

  7. part of what makes me laugh about this whole thing is the idea that it was wrong information if provided by single girls, whereas if a shadchan would have pulled together the list, the information would have been verified. Some of the “lashon hara” are terms used by shadchanim — you have to try to describe a person to suggest him for others — the person who compiled the list was trying to get these dudes dates, not trash their reputations. And it was a step in the right direction. For those who note I am using my name here in the post, yup, i’ve been tagged many things I’m not — and usually by shadchanim. I also find it funny when I listen to expert shadchanim wax poetic on how to make shidduchim, etc. —- and then I find out I’ve married off more couples than they have, making me more of the “expert” than those shadchanim.
    As an “older” single, I say, more lists. More people getting up and suggesting matches. More folks trying every which way to get folks to meet, even if it means trying to describe the singles somehow someway.

  8. So u mean to tell me that the boys dont have thier own lists of potential girls with all thier comments and little notes in them? Your dead wrong. Because when my brother was in BMG he always had access to the LISTS. Only boys can decide about a girl but girls cant decide about a guy? Its a 2 way street out there

  9. If someone could give numbers to prove there is a sudden shidduch crises cough it up. I’ve never seen it and am quite doubtful it exists. Is this just a case of if you repeat a big lie everyone will come to believe it or is there actually a factual basis for it?

  10. Single Girl, we have different agendas here, yes, but SYSTEM of “alter-bochurim” is not so benign as you describe.
    This not-so-young men often have a very bad hashpoa on the mainstream yeshivas’ talmidim, espessially baalei-tshuva, foreign-born, etc.
    These naive kids don’t know that Maran HaKodoish Baal Chazon Ish, zy’a, considered “alter-bochurim” to be bums, nothing more.
    “Alter-bochurim” oftenly claim a “connection” to Rosh Yeshiva/Mashgiach; demean Gedoilei Yisroel, greatly exaggerate their level of learning

    I speak from experience.

  11. Hesh (#2) – why is a list of boys so demeaning, especially with subjective descriptions removed? If you would take a moment to think about the girls’ position, you would realize that they are demeaned all the time. The boys have lists of girls from the shidduchim suggested to them because in shidduchim, it’s a man’s world, while until now the girls don’t have lists and are waiting for the phone to ring. So someone made a list so that at least they can be proactive and try to get someone to redt a shidduch for them. The cards are stacked heavily in the favor of the boys who never feel they need to compromise on anything because they are always flooded with suggestions. They never feel like they are being boxed in anywhere. The girls and their parents must grovel in the dirt begging a boy and his parents to consider looking at them on their “list” of suggestions. And if someone tries to balance the picture a bit by producing a list of boys, it’s demeaning. Sorry, guys. Work on keeping ga’ava in check and raise up middas ha’anava and maybe you will be zocheh to build a bnb. Otherwise you will never have any reason to close a shidduch because there always might be a more perfect girl out there with an A+ in every ma’ala on your want list.

  12. “Leib Shmukler” has a point. The first mitzvah in the Torah is “p’ru ur’vu – men are required to get married. Not to mention that being single for too long is a risk in itself. If a man is in his thirties and still not married, isn’t he being mevazeh a crucial mitzvah? How can he then claim to be “frum?” Or is he just so wonderful that no girl is good enough for him? Which itself is “geivah” and a question on his frumkeit.

    Or does he have some problem – emotional or in his frumkeit – that prevents him from getting married? If I were dating an “alter bocher” who’s pushing forty I would be very, very careful. If one does get engaged to an alter bocher, and there seems to be any sort of question, however small, couples counseling would seem to be called for. Better a broken engagement than a broken life, no matter what “the others” say.

    And for those boys who “won’t settle” for anything less than an exorbitant bank account and movie-star looks – see your mashgiach ruchani, you’re in real trouble. And how many of our “drop-outs” come from families where the fathers married for such reasons – or the girls married for prestige?

  13. Leib Shmukler…”These naive kids don’t know that Maran HaKodoish Baal Chazon Ish, zy’a, considered “alter-bochurim” to be bums, nothing more.”…Wow..nice way to misquote the Chazon Ish…without having seen it, I can tell you are that you are mischarcterizing what he said. True there are some people, boys and girls who are victims of their own success/delusions…however there are many good guys (and obviously girls) who are still single “pushing 30” and are still “with the program” and aren’t the coffee room cynics. To paint them with one brush is a misjustice to all of them. That being said …the older guys can all use a little push..without belittling them.

    On a side note…one of the issues that comes up with older guys and girls…is when the boys is in Yeshiva and 29, and he dates girls 25+ who have been in school and working for years…the level of “sophistication” is sometimes great between the boy and girl…and it is up to the girl to project from the boys “tochain” what he will be as a ‘finished product’ (ie: in 5 years, after he has left yeshiva and is married and living with you), rather than what your friends will think when you guys will meet her husband who is a successful….. .
    So too, guys 22-25, when dating younger girls, have to project , how this shy, not so comfortable with her environment girl, will be in 5 years once she evolves into the person she really is. I’ve seen so many guys come back from dates saying that the girl was dumb (or not worldly enough)..yet she is in /college or grad school (not that being in college/grad school precludes someones from being dumb). It is a combination of 2 things… 1-guys general interest in minutiae, whereas the girls generally value and internalize different subject matters. 2- the girls are more reserved at this stage during the dating process, they are more afraid of letting down their guard, hence they give off a less informed impression.

  14. myth:

    here are the numbers that create the crisi:

    1) population growth of between 3-4% annually. Meaning there are close to 12% more 19 year old girls than there are 22 year old boys.

    (One of ways this was noticed was by studying class sizes. They noticed that the younger grades were considerably larger than the older grades by the growth rate mentioned)

    2) Girls start dating aprox. 19 yrs old, boys begin apox. at 22

    These two factors dictate a huge number of girls with no chance to ever get married or ever have a family.

  15. As for this “apology” – too little too late. And who are you apologizing to? To the one’s who received the lushon horah in the first place? How about issuing an apology to each boy described on the list? They haven’t received an apology and I doubt alot of them would be mochel so willingly. You can’t un-ring a bell once its been rung. Its like saying “the guy is a terrible guy, but of course what do I know, do your own research. Thanks alot!” Moral of the story – think long and hard before disseminating sensitive information about people on a large scale. But you’ll claim, I only had the best intentions and I did not mean for it to get out there. Two responses: First, anything put into email should be considered public knowledge. Second, with friends like you … you know the rest.

    I see alot of derogatory remarks being made against “alter-bochurim”, or aka older guys. You know what – love them or hate them but don’t knock them. What did they ever do to you other than being alive. They are entitled to look for whatever they want in a mate, just like any girl or anyone else in society. If they are hurting themselves, so be it. Each person has the autonomy to make his or her own decisions. From some of the comments, it seems that some girls feel a sense of entitlement – as if to say, that if someone does not want to date them, there must be something wrong with them. Not so. If someone or a group of people don’t want you, get over it and move on.

    I also want to clear up a grave misconception. While it may be true that in general, guys have more suggestions than girls, it is not always the case. Good guys have alot of suggestions just as good girls have lots of suggestions. Less desirable guys are just as well off as the less desirable girls. This fact is so misunderstood – people simply cut it down gender lines when it is not so. (The things that make someone more desirable is obviously different based on whether you are a guy or a girl.) Any girl that is sought after reading this knows exactly what I mean.

    Also, why does everyone assume that guys are doing all the rejecting but girls are these innocent victims of the boys’ quest for that perfect girl? Has anyone done any empiricle studies to back this up? From what I have seen, girls are just as choosy if not more and turn down guys left and right – both before going out and after. (I would even go as far as to say that when a girl gives a no to guy not agreeing to date him, its even worse than the guys, since the guy is willing to go out and has generally already given the girl a yes. Whereas, when a suggestion is presented to a guy, even if he gives his ok, he then still has to wait and never does not know what the response would be from the girl. Oh and did I mention wait – some girls take their good old time with their checking – days after days. You’d think with all these girls desperate for dates that they would come back with a response in a “reasonable” amount of time. But oh no.)

    Special note to “single girl” – the emes IS lushon horah. Truth is not a defense. I am glad you are enjoying this. What a warped sense of justice you feel – not a great middah for a bas yisroel. I also hate to say it, but with an attitude like that, I can’t imagine why guys are not clamoring after you.

  16. Rachel R, “”Leib Shmukler”” happens to be my REAL name:1.Ancestors were smugglers of the merchandize from Turkey that Tzar deemed illegal; 2.One of my paternal great-granfathers was named Leib Moshevich Nudelman, o’h. He was the son of Boyaner Chassidim and at his old age started going back to shul for Shabbosim and Yomim Toivim. Besides that I agree with you.
    “Dot dot dot”, Maran Hazon Ish’, zy’a, quote comes from the my Rosh Yeshiva,shlita, true Godol Be’Yisroel, who gives probably the largest Daf Yomi shiur.

  17. On the first page, there is obvious Sheker. A boy who was listed as 30, and I know him to be 30 (verified on, and was listed on the original list as 30, is listed on the new list as upper 20’s. Where is the Yosher in this? If I found one lie, there are probably way more.

  18. Nebach, the compiler was shamed and made to feel so guilty to such an extent, she had to ingratiate herself with the guys by cutting years off their age.