Powerful Lessons in Malky’s Unbearable Pain – Part 2

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 By: L. Halevi

 Malky lived a life of unimaginable pain. Hundreds, if not thousands, of pure, innocent children, are living in the same pain. Some are just starting to feel it, some are knee-deep in it, and unfortunately, some are at the hopeless end of their battle, ready to accept defeat.

How does a pure soul like Malky end up in such a dark place?

How does someone as special as Malky end up losing her life to the perils of substance abuse?

More importantly, what are we, as a community, doing to help the thousands of Malkys in our community that need our love, acceptance, understanding and assistance now before they have no choice but to find substances to dull their pain?

The answer is soul-searching, intellectual honesty and most of all proper education. Education for parents, teachers, mentors, and education for a community.

Yedidyah is an organization in Eretz Yisroel that has developed a Torah-based approach that provides early intervention in a positive way that assists thousands of children and teens to better deal with many of the issues of our time. Yedidyah was founded by Rav Yechiel Jacobson, author of the best-selling book, “ Al Techetu BaYeled – Do Not Sin Against The Child”,  with the blessing of HaRav Yechezkael Abramsky Zatzal, and continues to operate quietly with the support and encouragement of Gedolim from all facets of Yiddishkeit.

The professionals at Yedidyah have no agenda, and work to help children appreciate themselves, understand their minds bodies and souls in a non-pressurized way that doesn’t use Yiddishkeit as a forced way of compliance, rather gives the children an appreciation for Yiddishkeit from within themselves. It highlights the beauty of belonging, the beauty of emunah and closeness to Hashem.

Yedidyah works closely with parents, schools, Mechanchim and mechanchos, via seminars and other learning and teaching tools, to provide proper education and guidance to foster  a sense of acceptance and belonging to each and every Yiddishe Neshama, regardless of  their personal life obstacles or learning disabilities.

In Malky’s memory, her family wants to bring Yedidyah to the USA, to establish a branch that will help schools, parents and the community at large to reach every child, before the pain overtakes them. 

Harav Naftoli Horowitz, shlita (Krula Rebbe), Harav Avrohom Chaim Steinwurzel, shlita (Rav D’kehal Mateh Efraim and Rosh Yeshiva Shaarei Yosher) and Malky’s parents R’ Avreimie & Rivka Klein, have launched the project to raise the necessary funds to launch a Yedidyah branch in the USA. They have reached 75% of their goal, and need help reaching the finish line. The campaign page can be viewed  at www.unidy.org/malky

Malky’s life was filled with pain and is no more. Doing what needs to be done to avoid more unnecessary tragedies will give some meaning to Malky’s passing and transform her pain into impactful change in our community in a real and meaningful way.

 ***

Postscript:

The Seforim say that 30 days before a person departs this world, the Neshama feels it.

This past Erev Shavuos, Malky was in California- where she stayed with a wonderful family to escape the difficulties she felt more acutely in NY – and she called her father saying that she wants to buy her mother a gift. “She does so much for me, and I don’t do anything for her” Malky said.

She wanted to purchase a very expensive diamond bracelet from Cartier. Her father acquiesced, saying that they are deserving, his wife deserved to receive the gift and his Malky deserved to buy it for her.

After it was purchased, she said she wanted to write something. Her father offered to take her to buy a Hallmark card. She didn’t want a card. She wanted a paper to write a long letter. She sat in her room in California, together with her younger sister who was there for Shavuos, and she cried bitter tears as she wrote the letter.

After Malky’s passing, her sister asked her mother to see that letter. “I didn’t see what she wrote while she wrote it, but to see the scene of her bitterly crying as she wrote it, I knew it was something special and powerful”. Indeed, it was beyond incredible. She wrote how grateful she was to her mother. She wrote that he gift wasn’t just for this Yom Tov, it was for all the Yomim Tovim. It wasn’t for this birthday, it was for all her mother’s birthdays. It was years of pent up emotion, all expressed in one heartfelt letter. In a sense, it was her farewell letter to her mother expressing her love for being there, for always trying, for always supporting her.

It was her way of telling her parents that she knew that they did right by her, and that she will love them eternally, regardless where her life took her and when her life on this earth ended.  She specifically asked that the bracelet be engraved with an expression of her love, and even after she left this world, that reminder is still there, as a sort of sign to her parents that she is no longer in pain and they should cherish her in death despite the fact that she never cherished herself in life.

Every child’s Neshama is a priceless diamond bracelet; Let’s make sure they feel it inside and out!

To give meaning to Malky’s death and be a part of the solution, visit www.Unidy.org/Malky

To read “Powerful Lessons in Malky’s Unbearable Pain: Part 1“ Click Here

 

29 COMMENTS

  1. I might be a Little slow, but can someone explain what is all this pain that we’re talking about and what triggers it????

  2. How about instead of ignoring the issue. form an American Vaad hayeshivas to oversee if Yeshivas are doing what they are supposed to be doing. Or if they are acting no different then a goyishe private school in regards to chinuch!

    • good idea, but probably needs to happen from the bottom up. ie the parents. & a rav or 2 that have guts to get it going. maybe for eg rabbi david ozery

    • good idea, but probably needs to happen from the bottom up. ie the parents. & one or two rabanim that have guts to get it going. maybe for eg rabbi david ozery

  3. A lot of this pain is coming from within, within our homes, within our school systems, within our so called friends, who all end up bullying our very dear innocent victims for no reason. Forming a vaad Hayeshivas to keep guard if the system is working correctly, unfortunately is not the answer. The school system has failed and continues to fail in bringing out the weaker child and giving them a chance to shine and boost their confidence. The school system is about letting the top grade students continue to be top and shine. A child who struggles a little bit will end up struggling way more thanks to our mechanechim who allow this to happen. I keep on seeing this time and again.
    It’s time for some decent ordinary humans with a heart for each and every child to blossom to take charge in our failing schools.

    • Exactly
      If the Roshei Yeshivos heading the Vaad wont lead bu example and open up the doors of their own metzuyonim yeshivos to the average bochur and keep on giving the parents and bochurim a hard time being accepted in a regular yeshivah,them it’s all hypocrisy and a waste of time.

  4. The real question is, how did we come to this point that if someone (especially a girl) doesn’t do well in school, that she feels her life isn’t worth living? On a related note, the rigidity and arrogance of some of the bais yaakov’s is astounding, and no wonder some of the girls get depressed.

  5. And herein is proof that we – the Torah community has a very BIG problem…if there are still people in our community who can ask questions like “what is the pain we are talking about?”. We have a problem. Truth is that many years ago I was a guest in Flatbush and a Rav got up in shul and spoke about the hundreds of frum kids roaming Ocean Parkway on Friday nights doing drugs and other things, I thought he was nuts. What did I know? The out-of-town community from which I came had no such thing. However, today we all know that it is in the thousands. It is a MAGEIFA.

    To the reader who asks “what is the pain?” it is the pain of not feeling like you belong. It is the pain that our system, our community – your children and maybe even you – in your actions make those who don’t fit the model of good student or financially comfortable feel accepted or good enough. This is reinforced by the actions of mechanchim, by rabbonim and every member of the community who is not taking steps to turn this tragic catastrophe around. It is further compounded with the total distortion of Torah values. It used to be that those disenchanted with Torah life due to bad experiences made a life for themselves – professionally. But today in a world devoid of substance, where paramount values are fun and friends – yes reinforced by behaviors seen by adults, kids look for easier ways out of challenging situations. Peer pressure has always been a force with which to be reckoned. So even kids from homes where solid values are taught can get caught up in bad things.

    I know too many couples in the greater NY area who struggle every day to make a living and take out loans just so that their children can live like their neighbors who have much more money than them. They have quietly told me about the tremendous pressures. I ask you – is this a healthy lifestyle?

    But as I wrote under Part 1 – we have a huge complex problem. I commend Malky’s parents for taking a painful chapter in their lives and trying to help others. They are courageous. But the real problem can only be fixed if leadership AND ba’alei batim take action. How are your children treating children for whom learning doesn’t come easy? How are your children treating children who don’t have as much money that you have?
    Does assigning tremendous amounts of homework achieve the true goal of education? Shouldn’t the real goal be to inculcate a love or at least an interest in Torah and leading a Torah life, as well as providing tools and skills for further developing our knowledge? It is human nature to want to emulate. Are you striving to connect with each child? I have seen kids who will not be exactly like their rabbeim or teachers but they love them and so they will grow up to be Torah observant, financially responsible members of the community. Why? Because these rabbeim and teachers took steps to connect with their students knowing full well that learning did not come easy to the child.

    The best gift that my teachers gave me was the DERECH of learning and the enthusiasm with which they embraced leading a Torah life, while being a true mentsch when dealing with the secular world. This is not to take credit from my parents who did the same but also took tremendous steps to ensure that we treated every child in our class with respect and dignity NO MATTER WHAT. But let’s not take the responsibility away from the parents of children who put other children down. It is YOUR responsibility to make sure that your kids treat others with respect and dignity. Do not reinforce the behaviors where others are excluded or bullied. It is your responsbility to know how your child is treating others.

    Let us take our heads out of the sand. It used to be that we cried about the high assimilation rate. Well, we have much more about which to cry. The rate of kids we are losing is alarming. Each person has a responsibility. Thank you MATZAV.COM for being such an empowering platform.

    אל תעמוד על דם רעיך

    • Grow up their is nothing untzinius about it. Unless you consider the observer to have been an untzinius publication. The observer was the paper of the Agudah and it featured pictures of women! Enough with the revisionism if some yeshivish people want to act like ungarishche chasidem become a satmerer chossid already and stop hocking in’ chinik!

  6. There is nothing Untzniyus about this picture. Just the fact that you think so tells us 2 things 1) YOUR head is in the gutter and YOU have a problem. 2) The system is so broken that they teach cult-like beliefs that objectify women and lead to the very problems we are dealing with.

    IF ALL YOU TAKE OUT OF THIS TRAGIC STORY IS ” oY, THEY SHOWED A GIRL’S FACE” YOU HAVE SERIOUS PROBLEMS. AND YES, OUR COMMUNITY HAS SERIOUS PROBLEMS, AND THIS IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG THAT THOUSANDS OF “FRUM” JEWS FEEL LIKE YOU DO AND FOCUS ON THE STUPIDITY OF SEEING AN ANGELIC FACE, RATHER THAN THE DEMONS THAT UNDID HER.

      • The whole system that kills thousands of our precious children is innapropriate. I don’t see you worrying about that.

        If you see a picture of loving parents kissing their dead child, and that gives you hirhurim, you got bigger issues to worry about.

        • If your a chasid imagine your rebbe seeing this , if your a lot all imagine the chofetz chaim seeing this and if your a sefardi than imagine the beis yosef seeing this and if your mom of the above then well – here’s your answer……

          • The chofetz chaim would most likely not have an issue with this! On the other hand apparently you can read minds and assume to know what other people think!

      • Really and why? In what world would that classify it . It would be like saying a sibling can’t be in the same room along with a sibling alone. It doesn’t apply to family member’s. So to here no issues of being untzinius? Just because it’s not done doesnt make it forbidden

  7. Seems like a PR campaign to blame the schools. Maybe it is their fault. Maybe not. I give them the benefit of the doubt. The parents are being portrayed as people that did everything right. Has this been verified? Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t. Sorry but I give our schools the benefit of the doubt here. This is an insult to thousands of dedicated teachers and schools. Any improvements to our system should be implemented but to “blame” this way seems very wrong and likely baseless. I would like to see the response of the school or schools in question but they probably feel that commenting when the wounds are fresh would be too hurtful.

    • Thank you! Kudos for being the only one to point out this phenomenon. It’s very easy to play the blame game. No serious solution will come out of a bunch of anonymous individuals commenting on this forum. I agree it’s a serious problem, but it’s really outlandish to smear all mechanchim like that. Thank you!

    • Nothing is ever wrong with the institutions? Nope never? Hmmm….. the problem is, it seems a very jewish quality seems to be absent in recent years Mercy! When one side has basically all the cards that’s why people blame institutions! What is one to do when Yeshivas put a kid on the blacklist and not only throw them out but then call around and make sure nobody else accepts them!
      Institutions act like secular establishments when it suits them. And then turn around and act like religious establishment when it suits them also! Dancing at two chasunahs as they say!

      • Maybe you should consider the possibility that parents don’t always work with the schools. Are the parents following the standards set by the schools, are the parents living a life of materialism, hotels, 5 star vacations, fancy cars, fancy houses, fancy food etc. Kids are taught that is what is important in life. Kids are taught that internet is okay. When schools try to set standards they get slammed and then when there are some bad results they get slammed again. Sorry but that is simply not fair.

        • Cut the baloney! If the person’s bank account has many zeros attached then their is no problem all of a sudden! Tell me for so many rules in how Yeshivas are run are they producing astronomical amounts of chofetz chaims vilna goans aruchhashulcans netzivs?? It’s enough already a vaad needs to be established. its about damn time this issue is really addressed and not just for the photo ops in the papers! How many hechshors are their and yet not one vaad hayehsivas to keep track of anything. Maybe instead of having twenty different Yeshivas have 3 Yeshivas in massive building to cut costs.

        • First of all a kid should be thrown out because their parents aren’t poor that’s a new one.tell me when a yeshivamann is looking for a shidduch we all know he picks the girl without a “dowry” so he can go out and work! It seems their is a bit of cognitive dissonance going on here! Materialism?? Have you seen the chaireidi papers in the last 10 years? Photo-ops nothing materlisitc with that nope. What a riot.
          Tell me do roshei Yeshivas not attend programs for holidays?
          And again do roshei Yeshivas not marry any of their kids off to rich families!

        • Work with the schools? Who has the leverage? It’s a simple equation. The Yeshivas generally have the leverage. Their needs to be some kind of counterweight. How much longer? It’s simple orthodox jews have a million different organisations that work on behalf of the orthodox communtiy. Why no vaad Yeshivas that has the authority to investigate if a yeshiva overstepped. It’s simple the orthodox community should fund an organisation that will work like a Beis din that steps in and investigates if their are complaints.
          A yeshiva can choose to join the vaad . And then if they do they can advertise using the vaads logo like a hechsher. Why doesn’t it exist already?

  8. So, we are never allowed to blame the parents? Every parent is perfect? Every parent is free from all negios? Every parent is competent? Every parent shows respect to others they might disagree with?
    Am I allowed to ask such questions, or are we living in such PC times that I’m considered evil and insensitive for asking?

    • Who has the leverage? It’s a simple equation. The Yeshivas generally have the leverage. Their needs to be some kind of counterweight. How much longer? It’s simple orthodox jews have a million different organisations that work on behalf of the orthodox communtiy. Why no vaad Yeshivas that has the authority to investigate if a yeshiva overstepped. It’s simple the orthodox community should fund an organisation that will work like a Beis din that steps in and investigates if their are complaints.
      A yeshiva can choose to join the vaad . And then if they do they can advertise using the vaads logo like a hechsher. Why doesn’t it exist already?

  9. I don’t believe that there’s one reason why she felt that way. There must have been something else in her life that made her into an unsecure girl. BDE I fee very sorry for her and the parents

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