Readers’ Matzav: Segulos for Shidduchim

Tuesday April 20, 2010 2:41 PM - 34 Comments

shidduchimDear Matzav.com Editor,

Thank you so much for your stimulating and insightful website. As an older single, I am writing this letter to share with those in the same matzav some ideas that people have suggested to me as a segulah for finding one’s zivug. If anyone has additional segulos and ideas, they may want to share them with your readers.

The list could go on and on…

Yes, I am sure that all these things help and the right one will come at the right time iy”H.

I would like to share one additional point:

I strongly believe and I am sure that the best segulah is to have a lot of bitachon and emunah and to keep on davening to Hashem.

And remember, kol hamispallel b’ad chaveiro onin lo techilah.

Sincerely,

Name Withheld On Request

Brooklyn, N.Y.

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34 Responses to “Readers’ Matzav: Segulos for Shidduchim”

1. Comment from Dov
Time April 20, 2010 at 2:47 PM

Really wanting to get married, and for the right reasons, and having realistic expectations.

2. Comment from Anonymous
Time April 20, 2010 at 2:50 PM

Excellent Segula -
Give a Chomesh of your money to Ma’aser for Oorah, or better yet, give a donation (via paypal) to Kupat Hair or Va’ad Harabbanim (depends on what comes in your mailbox that day)!
Or best yet;
remember Hashem runs the world (but has no advertising, so no one will vote for him).

3. Comment from kiruv guy
Time April 20, 2010 at 2:51 PM

I know a really good segulah that works every time. There are 613 of them.

4. Comment from WolfishMusings
Time April 20, 2010 at 2:58 PM

At the risk of drawing the wrath and ire of everyone upon me, there is one important segulah that NWOR did not include. This segulah has been known to work wonders and has been shown to be a significant contributor to the likelihood of getting married.

That segulah, my friends, is to go out with people.

Yeah, I know, it sounds lame, but there is some practical advice here. Singles should not be so picky on whom they go out with. They should err on the side of going out (rather than not going out) when it comes to prospective dates. Young couples should try to maximize the number of dates they go on, rather than simply waiting for candidates that meet all of their “want” items.

Of course, if a person has an attribute that is an absolute deal-breaker for you, then don’t go. But beyond that, give a date a go, even if s/he doesn’t meet all your criteria. You never know what will happen and you may decide after meeting the person that perhaps the attribute you were holding out for is not as important after all.

The Wolf

5. Comment from Orthowatch.blogspot.com
Time April 20, 2010 at 3:28 PM

Unfortunately, people make up plenty of segulos, and there is no source for them. One example is on your list - shiluach hakan. The Torah says straight out that performing this mitzvah will give you long life. It doesn’t say anything about shidduchim. I heard that there’s a woman who has a birds nest in her yard where the bird lays eggs every so often, and she actually charges people so they can come and do the mitzvah. She charges over $100 for this, and tells people all sorts of segulos that can come from it. There is no mekor for it!

6. Comment from Logic
Time April 20, 2010 at 3:58 PM

Wolf is right. Only tefillah (or segulot)with histadlut work.

7. Comment from anonymous
Time April 20, 2010 at 4:06 PM

whats the source of all these segulos????? most of these segulos that everyone thinks works are made up

8. Comment from wow
Time April 20, 2010 at 4:37 PM

OR maybe focus on the things that matter in marriage.

Like, imagine a real life scenario. You have had a terrible day with the kids, the house is a mess, and supper is not even close to being ready(things like this ACTUALLY HAPPEN IN REAL HOMES!).
In walks your husband.
Imagine NOW, today, before you get married, what should he be when he walks in.

a)have a really cool car (when he picks you up for a date), be very well dressed, have lots of friends and be very popular, have lots of money and come from a popular family, be funny, cool, really cool, have dazzling smile, good learner, etc.

b)soft and sweet spoken, cares about others, maybe even more than he cares about himself,(not like the boys who get drunk on friday night and run down the streets screaming and singing), pleasant and sweet, genuine mature adult, etc.

so girls, there you have it.
Either look for the guy that will dazzle you when you are engaged or marry the boy that will try his best to be your friend and helper for life
its your choice.

9. Comment from will try to help
Time April 20, 2010 at 4:47 PM

When my married kids were in the Parsha I was constantly talking to everyone asking them to keep them in mind. So now I try to help others. Feel free to send me your profile and I will have you in mind.
morahrivki@msn.com

10. Comment from Nate
Time April 20, 2010 at 4:49 PM

The Steipler Gaon had a mesorah on a Segulah to daven in Shunam.
To arrange a trip there email: smeisenman@gmail.com

11. Comment from AZ
Time April 20, 2010 at 4:53 PM

STOP WITH THE SEGULOS

on the collective scale it is

FALSE HOPE!!!

There is ONE thing and ONE thing ONLY that you can do

You need to DEMAND that the people who can effect the necessary changes (and there are people who can) they must do so and the do so IMMEDIATELY.

REFUSE to SUFFER in silence. DEMAND change from those that can help.

When the girls band together they will be a force that HAS to be reckoned with AND will.

You CAN make it happen!!

BUT only they can do it.

12. Comment from alsosingle
Time April 20, 2010 at 4:58 PM

I don’t think there’s actually a source for holding a Kallah’s jewelry (not sure about the others); I’d recommend one look into things like this before doing it, to prevent G-d forbid doing something that may border on avodah zara- i.e. relying on a practice not promoted by the Torah, instead of following the diction of Tamim tehiye im Hashem Elokecha

13. Comment from mayim
Time April 20, 2010 at 5:20 PM

the way i got married was by asking my wife will you marry me and she said ”yes”

14. Comment from Chicago
Time April 20, 2010 at 5:30 PM

The following was told to me by some of the current gedolim in Eretz Yisroel as well as Rav Shmuel Barenbaum zt”l:

1. Help pay or raise money for the marriage expenses of a poor chassan/kallah in Eretz Yisroel.

2. Help pay or raise money for a family in your community who is suffering in poverty but is not being mifarnes from communal funds. They may be too ashamed to ask, feel the gabboim will turn them down, or were rejected unfairly. The mitzvah of helping a family stay afloat is a sign to Hashem that one is ready to feel for their spouse and Hashem will respond.

15. Comment from CFD
Time April 20, 2010 at 5:44 PM

AZ, what are you refering to?

Ending the freezer?
Not going to Eretz Yisroel?
Not sending girls to Sem?
Keep the girls in sem for another 2 years?

I’m clueless as to what you are refering.

16. Comment from yiddisha bubu
Time April 20, 2010 at 6:01 PM

ask the brisker rov to daven for you! my 4 grand children went to him and are buruch hashem married to real binay tora - may he be gizunt till 120.

17. Comment from smile
Time April 20, 2010 at 6:03 PM

just daven.

18. Comment from Anonymous
Time April 20, 2010 at 7:03 PM

Bubu, the brisker rov passed away over 50 yrs ago.

19. Comment from AZ
Time April 20, 2010 at 9:09 PM

#15

These suggestions WILL sovle the crisis

Part A). A Staggered Lakewood freezer- tu b’shvat/ pesach or even better tu’bshvat/shavuos. meaning at tu’bshvat they can only date girls above 21 (or 20 whatever) to date younger girls they must wait till pesach or shavous.

This will automatically yield the following:

1. 800+ boys a year with a selfish incentive to date close in age

2. If these boys want close in age, inevitably far fewer 19 yrs olds will be dating and the shaddchanim will be focusing on the slightly older girls in order to cater to these boys.

Part B) slowly lower the entrance age to post EY yeshivos.

If in 2 yrs from now the top entering age is 22.5 as opposed to that being the average age, we will have boys dating slightly younger. If boys are coming in around 22 and dating girls 20/21 we have basically solved the lions share of the problem.

Part C). Shortening time in EY. Boys should learn in EY for as long as it is in their individual best intereset not a day longer not a day shorter. Inevitable the vast majority of them will be coming home considerably earlier. this would yield Same result as B)

The girls and their families need to join forces and DEMAND that these and similar suggestions be implemented.

Frankly it is their ONLY hope (biterech hatevea).

Do we have people of action and courage in our community??

20. Comment from WolfishMusings
Time April 20, 2010 at 10:31 PM

AZ,

I know you have this knee-jerk reaction that whenever anyone mentions “shidduch” in a post, you launch into your age-gap theory.

I’m not going to bother debating the issue with you. I don’t know whether the age-gap is the reason for the crisis or not. Just for the sake of not arguing, I’ll concede the point.

That aside, the post here is really not about the shidduch crisis, but merely some segulos (whether real or imagined) that will help people. It really isn’t about the “crisis” at all.

You don’t *have* to assume that every time someone mentions “shidduch” without an engagement announcement that it’s due to age-gap.

In short, we got your message. Please save it for posts where it’s appropriate. :)

The Wolf

21. Comment from Torah Lover
Time April 20, 2010 at 10:34 PM

Just daven daven daven..remember,don’t let Segulahs run your life, only your heartwrenching tears that you pour from your Neshomahs will break the barriers and your Tefillohs will go straight up…this is why my family and I don’t go to Mekublim,because they try to get you to believe in them, some of them tell you that you have to do this and that, and then you’ll be answered and if you don’t do what i tell you, then it wont happen…just everyone thats all mamish that you have to do is to daven from your heart, not theirs…Hashem wants to hear you, He is waiting for your call…remember there are no long distance charges, no activation fees, no hidden taxes and charges…instead just talk to Him, He is waiting for your call…remember He’s always always available…day or night…

22. Comment from Mr.2 cents
Time April 20, 2010 at 10:47 PM

Dear Name Withheld,
I can’t judge you but the older singles that I know have one thing in common. Thay all where overwhelmd by the enormatey of dicision of who to marry that thay never decided at all.

23. Comment from AA
Time April 21, 2010 at 12:16 AM

I think the Munkacher (or Shinover) rov zt”l said it: The best segulah is והייתם לי סגולה. Do you look like a yiddishe tochter?

24. Comment from AA
Time April 21, 2010 at 12:22 AM

The segula of שילוח הקן for having children is based on the words ואת הבנים תיקח לך. I guess it’s also mesugal for a shidduch b/c in order to have kids you have to get married first…

25. Comment from anonymous
Time April 21, 2010 at 12:33 AM

I have heard that making a shidduch can be a segula (possibly a variation of “Kol hamispallel b’ad chaveiro…”

JFor curiosuty purposes, Ive heard something about looking in a mirror and seeing a reflection…? Can someone fill me in on this, I’d just like to understand it.

26. Comment from AZ
Time April 21, 2010 at 9:22 AM

Wolf:

Apparently neither you nor many others have “gotten” the message. If they had things would have happened to change it!

As an aside: I hardly consider promoting and publicizing a concept that 70 R”Y singed onto as a knee jerk reaction!

27. Comment from Anonymous
Time April 21, 2010 at 10:09 AM

AZ: “The girls and their families need to join forces and DEMAND that these and similar suggestions be implemented.

Frankly it is their ONLY hope (biterech hatevea).”

Their other “bederech hateva” hopes would include davening, having bitachon, and not saying “no” to a boy because he is too short, does not have a lucrative enough “plan”, didn’t shine his shoes before the date, etc.

Another hope would be to be less, not more demanding, when speaking to shadchanim, returning their phone calls, giving an answer within a few days (rather than after a week or more), and not berating the shadchan for having the audacity to set them up with a boy who is not good-looking. Yes, I am a shadchan, and all these things have actually happened.

28. Comment from WolfishMusings
Time April 21, 2010 at 10:42 AM

AZ:

We got the message. Nonetheless, that doesn’t mean that anytime someone mentions “shidduch” you have to launch into age-gap.

The post was not about people complaining that they are having trouble with shidduchim or even a post saying “the problem with the shidduch situation is X.” All it was was a list of segulos (real or imagined). Nothing more.

The Wolf

29. Comment from Yisroel Feldman
Time April 21, 2010 at 5:07 PM

Someone once told me that he heard of a Segula of being careful to always say the Shiras HaYam (that is at the end of P’sukei D’Zimra) with great Kavana.

In a Shiur on the night of Sh’vi’i Shel Pesach, Rav Moshe Wolfson, Sh’lita, explained that the saying of the Shiras HaYam with great Kavana brings a person Kapara for his Aveiros.

30. Comment from Yisroel Feldman
Time April 21, 2010 at 6:24 PM

Many of the comments here have very correctly pointed out that all of these Segulas must be done in the context of the one best Segula of all: keeping our Torah!

I once asked Rav Moshe Wolfson what I could do Al Pi Kababla — which we usually translate as “according to Jewish Mysticism” — for a Shidduch. He told me quite bluntly and sarcastically:

“YOU CAN’T ‘MYSTIFY’ HASHEM!!”

“HaShem wants your sincerity!”

“Learn (Torah)! When you are finished learning, Daven! When you are finished Davening, (again) learn!”

31. Comment from AZ
Time April 21, 2010 at 6:31 PM

Wolf:

The segulos charade is FALSE HOPE and I am just setting the record straight.

Calling it like it is. Like it or not!

#27 your comments focus on perhpas individual girls. But I’m sure you agree recognize that by an large the boys are getting married (maybe you weren’t the shadchan) so oviously they have found a girl who didn’t have the issues you raised….

32. Comment from the wolff2
Time April 21, 2010 at 9:47 PM

an alter bochur once came to Rav Shach ztl’ and asked for a segula to get married, Rav Shach replied the following telling him to learn good dress nicely and smile, the bochur for some reason was not happy with this segula and said rebbi i want a segula, Rav Shach replied i dont understand if I would have told you to walk outside and the first cat you see poke out its eye and cook it and then hang it on your wall you would have been happy with that segula but if I say three simple things to learn good dress nice and smile with that your not happy i just dont understand.

I think this is a great maaseh for all of us to think about before we go running and looking for all sorts of farfetched and some not so farfetched segulas.

33. Comment from Shidduch World
Time April 21, 2010 at 11:39 PM

We the founders of Shidduch World, have been actively involved in making Shidduchim for many years. Over time it has become obvious that the never ending criticist and blame game played out in the media and other forums will not do much to help solve our Shidduch challenges. What’s needed is action! While we believe that all Shidduchim are B’ydei Shamayim, it is incumbent upon us to do our utmost Hishtadlus to help others find their Bashert.

We have therefor created Shidduch World, a site that would link all of the many frum singles throughout the world through one database. It is our fervent hope that this centralized database will make it easier to make Shidduchim, helping ourselves and others to find their Zivugim.

http://www.shidduchworld.org
732 534-4539

34. Comment from shlomo zalman
Time April 24, 2010 at 4:47 PM

Oh no, here come more worthless segulos. Its should be obvious that the more segulos offered to correct a problem, the more we are admitting that they don’t work. And they most definitely don’t.

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