Shidduch Resumes and Geography – Part V


By Rabbi Yitschak Rudomin MA

It is obviously Bashert (“meant to be”) that we now use Shidduch Resumes in the English-speaking Yeshiva Velt (world) in North America.

A few people have asked me if I am “against Shidduch Resumes” and my answer is that I am not “against” anything that will help Shidduchim happen to help young Jewish people today get married, stay married, and build a Bayis Ne’eman BeYisroel (a true home among the Jewish People) and have their rightful share of happiness and Nitzchiyos (eternity) in life!

My main concern that I am bringing to the attention of the public is that they must not put their faith in a mere “resume” and to avoid falling into the trap of spinning their wheels and getting nowhere quickly.

What I am stressing more than anything, based on the experience that we had as a family and in guiding others, is that the most important aspect in Shidduchim(dating) is to never give up on all forms of Hishtadlus (efforts) and that the use of resumes is just one tool and method in an over-all strategy to get to the real goal, which is not to write the “perfect resume” or send it only to the most exclusive Shadchanim (matchmakers), but rather to put the use of resumes into context, and as I have stated and it’s worth repeating that just like in a job search likewise in the Parsha of Shidduchim, it is networking with as many people as possible that is most important while having and using the resume is secondary to that because it is only a necessary tool that is often required by others to summarize who and what you are and what you are looking for.

Perhaps one of the greatest reasons that Shidduch Resumes are in widespread use all over North America by English-speaking Litvish Yeshiva people and not in Israel nor among the various Chasidic groups is that people in Israel and in Chasidisha Kehillos are more centralized and concentrated geographically, while English-speaking Yeshiva people are much more spread out and live in diffuse cities and communities all over North America.

For example, when families and Shadchanim on the USA West Coast want to be in touch about Shidduchim with families and Shadchanim on the East Coast, that are thousands of miles apart, then Email and Shidduch Resumes are the perfect ways to bridge the huge distances and save time in order to put minds and hearts together and to easily send each other Shidduch Resumes. That is very logical and practical as well as critical and a great Brocha (blessing)!

It is particularly people from the so-called out-of-town communities who rely heavily on Shidduch Resumes and for that reason alone it is worth it.

Of course, communicating by phone or even in person would be the ideal, but even that can be a huge hurdle given the time zone differences between the East Coast and West Coast! Not everyone is on the same schedule, not everyone works full-time at this. Parents, Shadchanim and the young people who need dates are busy in real life with many other things.

As I think of our own family experiences and the way resumes were sent to us in Brooklyn from places even not too far away, such as New Jersey, Monsey, Queens and the Five Towns, as well as from the South, Mid-West and the West Coast, it is strange to think that with all the fuss and hoopla and formalities associated with Shidduch Resumes, all of our children married spouses within walking distance of where we live!

Our Mechutonim, at the end of it all, basically turned out to be our “neighbors” and while we did not know them personally since in Brooklyn there are B”Hhundreds of thousands of Frum Jews, yet it is so odd to think that the spouses our children married could have been “Redd” (set up) by our nearby neighbors and closest friends and in many ways they were, while the much ballyhooed and vaunted Shidduch Resumes turned out to be very secondary and minor in terms of the entire process!

That is why I stress that while it is important to have a Shidduch Resume if that is what required of you or your child by formal and informal Shadchanim since by now everyone is “expected” to have one, yet do not be surprised if it is not by any Resume that you or your child find their Bashert (soul mate) because HKB”H’s Hashgocha Pratis (God’s Divine Providence of every person) is much stronger than anything people can ever devise!

To be continued…

Rabbi Yitschak Rudomin lives in Flatbush and is the Director of the Jewish Professionals Institute and his wife Zahava, although they are not Shadchanim, have counseled many in the area of Shidduchim and dating. He can be reached at or 718 382 5610 and 718 382 8058.

Prior articles in this series on

1) The “Shidduch Crisis” Was Created by Humans

2) Shidduch Resumes & Shidduch Crisis

3) Shidduch Resumes and Bottlenecks

4) Shidduch Resumes and Reality

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  1. resumes are not meant to replace calls or meetings with shadchanim. they are only a fast way of getting all the information about the young people to others, instead of the shadchan reading the information and the parent writing it all down, such as schooling, siblings, jobs, refernces, you have it all in an easy format to just fax or email.

    • Hi NYJ, and thanks, but I still have a question for you, and I do not mean to be “funny” either:

      Why don’t Chasidim in the USA and overseas and all Frum people in Eretz Yisroel do it that way, the way you describe?

      Yet, they are managing to marry off all their eligible children without forcing people to produce formal Shidduch Resumes.

      Sure, Shadchanim everywhere keep notes, we all keep notes about our work not just in Shidduchim. But even in work we are not so “machmir” let’s say you want to do business with someone, you don’t ask for his Resume unless you want to hire him or her.

      The way things are right now, Shidduch Resumes have become like rqeuired “credit reports” that are demanded by many companies before they will even let in you in through the door, and that is very different to the more Heimish and informal atmosphere that is necessary to create the proper social and personal climate to succeed with something so personal, private, human and intimate and GODLY, as making Shidduchim that at the end of the day, as Chazal tell us, that after HKB”H created the world He then Busies Himself with making Shidduchim! Remember?

      So that also needs to be factored in, that HaShem is being Mezaveg Zivuggim (making matches) for us all the time, and maybe, just maybe, by overdoing it wit layers of formalities (resumes, photos, and who knows what else) we are not helping but maybe perhaps Shterring</i (interfering/harming) HKB"H's Heiliga Gesheften (Holy Business) instead?!

      So that maybe, just maybe, the very business savvy Chasidim and the highly energized Frum people in Eretz Yisroel somehow inherently know this, that they are directly partnering with HKB”H as the real Shadchan, and therefore they can “skip written resumes and the now “required” superficial formalities and proceed to direct Shidduch making” which is a very human activity that everyone should be involved with, and that cannot be “automated” or “digitalized” or “outsourced” or replaced by “professionals” or “headhunters” or computers, Email and PDF and WORD documents and mere words on a piece of paper!

      Just something to think about!

      BeKavod Rav, Respectfully,
      Rabbi Yitschak Rudomin.

  2. Why in the world do you think resumes aren’t used by Israelis? They sure are! And trust me, the shidduch crisis here is alive and well, unfortunately. There are a shortage of good boys among the Yeshivas, both Ashkenazi and Sephardi, and among the Chasidish, a shortage of girls. I deal with resumes, photos, emails, etc, and while I think resumes have their place, photos leave me queasy. On one hand, you sometimes get a “feel” of the person, and on the other, they can be quite misleading. I’d prefer to omit them, because they aren’t as respectful.

    • Hi there: I am not talking about Americans and Anglos in Israel I am sure they do whatever is done in America!

      It is the Israeli Charedi and Chasidisha Oilem that does not use formal Resumes. People in Bnai Brak and Meah Shearim type communities are not using Resumes, they do it the way it has always been done, from the time a Frum child is born everyone is already planning possible Havei Aminas for Shidduchim and Zivugim it comes to them as naturally as breathing and walking to Shull, it’s a part of everyone’s life like going Tishen, Davening with a Minyan, and looking to find Shidduchim for your own families and close friends. They don’t have special “professionals” to help Frum people keep Kosher and keep Shabbos and likewise making Shidduchim for them by everyone is as natural as breathing the air and keeping Kosher and being Shommer Shabbos.

      Sure if a Shadchan asks for things, and you need the help of all the Shadchanim that are out there, a smart person will comply, it’s like being asked to do something by the IRS, if you want to be a citizen in good standing in the USA you had better comply with everything the IRS asks of you, down to the last detail and penny they demand from you, or else!

      So people are the mercy of Shadchanim when they don’t have to be because if every Frum person would see it as their own personal Achrayus to be a “shadchan” in any way they can to help relatives, friends and any Yid who comes to you, then we would have much less of a “singles crisis” which in many ways is a “chesed crisis” because it shows that we are not doing enough for each other Bein Adam LeChaveiro.

      In a future article I hope top write about the different points of view of Shadchanim versus ordinary people who just want a Shidduch for their children of for themselves and are not into the formal system of “applying for a Shidduch and date” like “applying for a passport and visa”!

      Zai Gezunt!

      Rabbi Yitschak Rudomin.