The Matzav Shmoooze: Hishtadlus Hoax And The Shidduch Crisis


matzavDear Editor,

Shidduch crisis “activists” bombard us with propaganda, including here on Matzav, claiming that we cannot just rely on bitachon in shidduchim, but, rather, hishtadlus mandates that we address the “shidduch crisis.”

Some of these activists have compared it to doing proper hishtadlus for parnassah and not just relying on bitachon.

I fail to see the parnassah analogy. This seems to imply that if someone else doesn’t do something about the shidduch crisis, then I didn’t do my hishtadlus. Every person is required to do his own histadlus for his own situation, and indeed every girl goes into the shidduch parsha doing all the hishtadlus she can. She will meet with shadchanim, network, etc. The rest is in Hashem’s Hands.

Perhaps these “activists,” who are trying to manipulate what goes on in other people’s lives, can explain here on Matzav why someone else’s hishtadlus is mandated for my shidduch. I am not aware that this goes into hishtadlus.

K. D. 

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  1. to yaakov
    your 100% correct and chesed on another persons behalf is a very important midda obviously but its obligations differ than that of hishtadlus. and thats where these shidduch crisis advocates are going wrong. if they would see it that way i think they would come to different conclusions including asking bochurim to potentially sacrifice their entire future for the sake of an imagined greater good (theres no evidence that younger boys will actually change anything its all a theory) which by the boundaries of chesed is totally out of this world.

  2. I always had one objection with the type of people this writer is. let me give you a mashal. If a guy walks in and says “such and such a loan is ribbis” the only way he has authority to say that is only if he learnt the sugya of ribbis. So too by bitachon it’s a complex sugya that whoever didn’t learn it should kindly keep their mouths shut

  3. the imagined rhetoric that has been promulgated regarding shidduchim hearkens back to a woebegone era of imagined hopes and aspirations that didn’t pan out for the east europen jews of yesteryear. inasmuch as it may feel good to offer solutions, mere bluster wont bring the garden of eden. a frivolous attempt to insolvency causes more anguish than a howling owl in the dead of a forsaken night.

  4. Im not sure which advocates you are referring to. The advocets that I have heard (and these are the main advocates) never asked anyone to sacrifice their future. They always say that if you are ready why wait or don’t delay unnecaserally. The message really is that each boy is an individual and although almost all boys start shiduchim between 22.5 and 23 this it doesn’t mean that that is the correct way for everyone. The advocates of the shidduch crisis are stressing this point because by boys going out younger its helps the girls.

  5. I remember hearing that the one time you are allowed to be a kofer is when it comes to helping someone else. You cannot just sit and say have bitachon. You have to get up and do something as if there is no one else.

  6. Doesn’t the Gra write in his Sefer that the one thing that requires no Hishtadlus (just Teffila) is Shidduchim? After all, no hishtadlus can cause kriyas yam suf, and mezaveg zivugim is as difficult as krias yam suf so it is all in the hands of the RBS”O

  7. The main goal is not just to feel good about doing something, but to do something that truly helps. Many approaches seem to be based on theories without a proven basis.

  8. so lets say they are wrong about the term “hishtadlus” -never theless the main point is that the gedolim signed the letter about bochurim starting shidduchim younger & this is yet to be implemented!! period!!!

  9. To Yaakov
    Each bochur is an individual. That’s exactly my point. They are asking EVERYONE to start earlier including completely doing away with the whole eretz Yisroel system. For some bochurim that is a potential risk to their future. I can’t go into the details of that point on this forum due to lack of space. Suffice it to say that when a person starts shidduchim is a very individual issue & people take many issues into account before making that decision. It’s blatantly unfair to ask a bochur to start earlier than he needs to because of an imagined greater good

  10. We are disagreeing about the message. You think that the message is that all boys should start younger or skip Eretz Yisroel and I say that the message is that boys should make an individual decision. I cant speak for all advocates because I don’t know what they all say but the main ones that work with Daas Torah all clearly make it an individual message. You say ” imagined” and you are wrong its a fact that if we have an average age gap of 3 years and a 4 percent per year growth than we will have many many girls remaining single. If we close the gap less girls will remain single. These are facts.