The Matzav Shmoooze: Redding Shidduchim? No Way

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shidduchimDear readers,

People are always yelling about the shidduch crisis and how all of us should be redding shidduchim to help address the crisis. But let me tell you why I have just about had it with trying to make people’s shidduchim:

1. I get asked the dumbest questions imaginable and I am left to find out the details.

2. For many, on both sides, it’s all about money and looks. In most cases, it’s all about money, money, money. And I’ve already learned how to identify those who are looking for money but don’t want to say so outright, and instead they ask the most inane questions. What types of cars do their other married children drive? Do the married kids have expensive strollers or cheap ones like a Maclaren? (Real question.)

3. People are totally unappreciative, don’t return phone calls, and make me feel like they are doing me a favor by listening to my idea.

You know what? I don’t need your favors. Find someone else who is willing to redd your children’s shidduchim. Find someone else to talk to about the bank account you are chasing. Find someone else who doesn’t mind feeling stupid again and again.

*****

The Matzav Shmoooze is a regular feature on Matzav.com that allows all readers to share a thought or analysis, long or short, one sentence or several paragraphs long, on any topic, for readers to mull over and comment on. Email submissions to editor@matzav.com.

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37 COMMENTS

  1. Sounds like this person has been seriously burned in the shadchan process. I must say, I live in a community where there are many older single girls that are looking for a boy with quality, substance, maturity, and strong Torah values. No one here is asking for or about money. When researching a boy for a particular girl, if I ask about any of the traits I mentioned, the inevitable response is: “Oh, you must be from out of town.” Have we gone mad?

  2. I would recommend not “throwing in the towel” on redding Shidduchim. Rather, try to “sniff out” in the beginning what priorities the people have (you seem to be good at it, as you wrote: “I’ve already learned how to identify those who are looking for money but don’t want to say so outright”.)

    When you encounter those who are looking for money bags etc. – politely excuse yourself right up front by saying “you don’t know the right type of people they are looking for” etc. etc.

    When you find people who have their priorities straight and are looking for a Shidduch – by all means use your talents that Hashem gave you, and may you be successful as a Shadchan!

  3. I would recommend not “throwing in the towel” on redding Shidduchim. Rather, try to “sniff out” in the beginning what priorities the people have (you seem to be good at it, as you wrote: “I’ve already learned how to identify those who are looking for money but don’t want to say so outright”.)

    When you encounter those who are looking for money bags etc. – politely excuse yourself right up front by saying that you don’t know the right type of people they are looking for etc. etc.

    When you find people who have their priorities straight and are looking for a Shidduch – by all means use your talents that Hashem gave you, and may you be successful as a Shadchan!

  4. I disagree. I have with some very nice, simple people who were not looking for money! In fact, I just made two shidduchim for two very choshuva boys who could have asked for money and could have gotten it but SPECIFICALLY looked for people who are not wealthy. They were more interested in the tochein of the family, not their financials. There are some good people out there. Don’t paint all with a broad brush.

  5. I’ve B”H made 3 shidduchim and found all the parties appreciative and mentchlich. Of course I do live “out of town”. I think what we need is chinuch from the Rabanim and Gedolim as to what to truly look for in the shidduch process al pi Torah. In the meantime, we should all keep trying and remember it’s a big mitzvah!

  6. Its almost always the bachurs side that is worried about the $. I was told by somebody that the first major business deal a boy has is who to marry! Disgusting? Of course.

    But the fact is that reding shiduchim must continue for the sake of the girls, and to deprive a girl because the boys and their families are jerks – is not fair to the poor girl. Bottom line, you will not solve the arrogance issues, and it is hard to stomach their behavior. But suck it up for the sake of the girls!

  7. I have plenty of money and enjoy a nice car and will hopefully buy for my kid and expensive stroller, and guess what: Im still Single.

    So there.

    HA HA

    Alteh Bucher

  8. I agree with the write one thousand percent!

    I have met the same idiocies trying to reddd shidduchim. It’s all about $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

  9. Call someone with a name who doesnt have $$$ – you get hung up on or told you know nothing about redding shidduchim. Call that same person with a name that has $$$, they listen and tell you that we need more people out there like you to redd shidduchim.

  10. I have read 4 different shidduchim to a friend of mine over the past 6 years (how long he has been on the market) his mother hasn’t even bothered to call the references i gave them for any of them. Then when my friend told me he was desperate to get married i told him to stop letting his mother look for a daughter in law and instead he should be looking for a wife. When i asked a big shadchan to read it he informed me that he wont deal with my friends mother because she doesn’t bother calling him back after he reads a shidduch.

  11. To the best of my knowledge having money is a blessing. Seeking money is normal and admirable. It seems that you are denigrating he who does not want to struggle financially. I wonder why.

  12. Since when has money become a dirty word? Why shouldn’t that be a valid consideration when investigating a potential shidduch? Many people are struggling to make ends meet and rightfully want to know what financial responsibilities may fall on them with each prospective match.

  13. I am a single girl in my upper twenties and I am not looking for those things. And I’m from Brooklyn. There are plenty of people that I know in shidduchim who aren’t either. Believe me, I understand how frustrating the shidduch parshah is but I’m personally not in a position to say forget this! As long as there are single people in klal yisroel, we all need to daven and try to help them find their bashert. Please, we need more people redting shidduchimg…not less.

  14. Making (good) Shidduchim is a great Mitzvah, so I agree with those who are urging you not to give up so quickly. Just don’t play along if someone asks ridiculous questions. You can simply say you don’t know, and that it’s not the kind of thing you’re able to ask.

  15. I think having more of the process digital [like all the shidduchim websites] can help decrease the chances of “shaddchanim” getting “burned”

  16. I am in a pretty big yeshiva (about 200 guys) and have heard many shidduch calls and guys talking about what they want in a girl. Never was money mentioned. Personally, it helps if the girl has a job or close to getting one, but her parents financial situation has no bearing on whether I say yes.
    What is lacking is that people aren’t redting enough shiduchim.

  17. Sorry, but I’ve doing redding shidduchim for over 16 years….it’s a parsha in itself. The shaddchan is totally in the right(of course there are exceptions) but the majority has lost their perspective of what it is that one needs to look for in choosing a mate!!!!!!
    The penimius is very overlooked…the middos and personality of the intended are totally ignored versus the other stuff like yichus, money, balabatishkeit, “status”….are they a somebody or quiet people who don’t bother a soul.
    The idea of whether or not they have what it takes to be good wives and husbands……not even an issue. Trust me, I’m constantly throwing in the towel….but somehow it follows me around constantly…funny, just this morning I told a friend…if only my mind could divorce itself from all these names floating in my head…I NEED A BREAK!!!!!

  18. It doesn’t help when people are advised to look for money

    and as another speaker says( i think Rabbi Krohn” “if you marry for money you lose interest!” How true!!!

    As a single when the shadchan asks me how much my parents will give a month, i know the boy is not for me.

  19. I totally agree with point 3 . People are totally unappreciative, don’t return phone calls, and make me feel like they are doing me a favor by listening to my idea.
    im not a shadchen but tried a couple of times to “red” shiduchim most of them give me such a stupit feeling as if who asked you to to come and suggest something.

  20. Don’t forget- the harder the work is, the greater the reward you get is!
    Don’t give up- all the singles in Klal Yisrael need your help!

  21. I agree %100! I’ve stopped as well and left if for the pro’s. I found that they were mostly immature, spoiled brats who had no clue of what marriage is all about! I feel bad for their eventual spouce! Your not marrying a wallet, shtender, degree, profession, etc…!

  22. when my wife started redding shidduchim I gave her 2 pieces of advice. If a boys parents ask for full support or if they want to know if the girl looks like a model don’t deal with such people.
    they are not interested in anything else but money or looks no matter what kind of wonderful girl you redd.boys today are not getting the rich father in laws who are throwing all the gashmios their way and many have to settle for poorer girls who work their brains out to support them.

  23. Money is very important and perhaps the most important thing. It is time for all the idealists to get real. It costs a lot of money for a frum family to survive. Financial stress is the number one marriage killer in America. Take away financial stress and you take away 80% of Shalom Bayis problems. So a parent being concerned about money in a shidduch for their child is really concerned about their child being happy and able to thrive in a relationship without having the added stress of no money. It is time to forget about the false invention of romantic love.

  24. This articles is slanderous and foolish. There is no question that there are people who behave the way the author describes, but from my experience – and I’ve made more than a few shidduchim – most people behave far more rationally and ask much more rational questions than what is described. It’s wrong to paint everyone with such a broad brush and says less about them than it does about the writer.

  25. The only one who can support our children when they get married is Hashem. Why not trust in him. He decides how much one will have for the whole year. There’s no way to know if the rich inlaws will continue to have money to help the couple. Hashem could take it away in an instant. Now what are you going to do? Trust in Hashem and allow your children to do their part of hishtadlus and He will be there for them, rest assured. Learning about emunah and bitachon is a major help, try it, I did!!!

  26. Don’t blame it all on the boys. Just got a call tonight about a serious ben Torah, who’s older. He’s working. Girls side wanted to know how much he makes. As soon as the 50,000+ range was mentioned, it was all over. Not enough.

    The problem is not gender exclusive. For the younger crowd just starting out, it’s more the boys. For the older crowd, it’s the girls.

    What’s universal is the keeping up with the Jones attitude.

  27. I have red many shidduchim. Many people (men and women!) are only interested in dating people with money, a professional degree, a spot in the “right” yeshiva, a guy of a certain height, a gal of a certain weight – and the “wrong” answers to any of these questions means NO DATE. The Torah teaches us that one must be attracted to a spouse, so it is normal to want to know if someone is attractive. Marrying for money leads to bad children, so that is not right. I don’t think people should want their child to marry someone for the money they hope to get – they may not get it down the line, and then what? But those who want money should only marry someone with money, otherwise they will resent their spouse forever after…I agree with the post that said, just call a dowry a dowry and be honest that you want one. As for me, any guy who ASKED if they might be getting money (and we are discussing yeshiva bochrim who were learning full-time) didn’t get a date! My husband married me for me, and then I worked to support the family until he had to). Also, everyone rails against the “boy’s mother” but what about the fact that these mothers have both daughters and sons…

  28. Hey, I just have one question, how do you explain the stupidity of these rich people who do a shidduch with someone with no money and actually believe that the person wasn’t out for their money – with all the money-hungry people out there?

  29. There are 2 things here – one is the money chasing, and the other is the ungratefulness. It is not always the same person who does those two things…when someone calls to red you a shidduch, no matter how stupid the idea, ALWAYS call back to say, yes, no, or “maybe but not now, please call back in 6 months.” That said, in all fairness, my mom had twins who were dating, and she got (no exaggeration) a good 10 phone calls every night. she was in tears, how can I do the laundry and work and cook and talk to my other kids? She could barely find an hour and half every day to talk to the people calling, let alone return phone calls later…So what was she supposed to do? And everyone thought she was mean. she couldn’t check out 10 different girls each day….

  30. This whole shidduch system stinks and the young ladies get the short end of the stick in every case. I should know, I AM a shadchanit and have made 14 successful matches in the past 3 years, B”H. Every Jewish baby born is a bracha and k’lal yosrael certainly needs many,many more brachos!

  31. The truth is many shaddchanim are the cause of the problem! They are the ones who instigate all this nonsense. They wan’t to get a good “sale”! The more the wealth, the more the shaddchanis gelt. They are the ones poisoning the prospective shidduch & their parents. Why sould you “settle” for this?

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