The Matzav Shmoooze: Shadchanim: Ona’as Devorim is Deoraisa


shidduch-infoDear Editor,

The halacha is that one is not allowed to ask a merchant about an item, unless the customer really intends to purchase it from the merchant (and not online).

Recently, I bumped into an acquaintance who persisted on badgering me about whats happening with shidduchim. He represented himself as seriously interested in being of assistance, and so (unlike others) I gave him a substantial amount of my time.

When I did not hear from him, I called to inquire about any “follow up.” Without any apologies, he said that he’s busy with shidduchim for his children.

To say I was appalled is an understatement. This gentleman holds himself as a marbitz Torah and a talmid chochom. He was oiver ona’as devorim and genaivas daas.

I know that some will go to town with this. But it seems to me, that in some instances, people’s difficulty with shidduchim may be related to pain that they caused to others in the parsha.

Elter Bachur
Lakewood , NJ

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  1. Dear Elter Bachur:
    I cannot relate to your position, but I certainly relate to your frustration and pain. It seems that part of the nisayon that Hashem gives us are these ancillary issues, of dealing with people in our surroundings and their inadequacies. I am truly sorry that you have to go through this.
    There are shadchonim, and people, out there, that do care. May you have the siyata dishmaya of finding yourself such people so that you can better ignore those who are unhealthy to be around. And may you have the siyata dishmaya to find your zivug ne’emon, bekorov mamash.

  2. yes!! what is wrong with idiots asking all your most personal information, asking “your story”, getting into your privacy, and they dont really wana help you at all just being nozy and rubbing it in.

    come on people. stop it. Were not pieces of meat on a counter at the butcher shop that you can measure against another piece. shame on you. this happens to me every day.

  3. I think that people who have not experienced the pains of shiduchim are often not sensitive to others in the parsha and even those that do, often forget once they “move on”). How about a shadchan who offers to redd a struggling girl or boy a shiduch and then comes back with a kurt they’re not interested in you. Is that not insensitive and possible onoas devarim. Yes, some need much tikun in h=this area of bain adam l’chavairo. Let us each learn from our own experiences with pain and struggle as to how to treat others.

  4. Elter Bachur,

    I’m sympathetic to the problem you encountered. I don’t know you, nor the issues that you face. But since you raised a complaint against “a marbitz Torah and a talmid chochom” in a public forum, I will try to be “dan lekaf zechus”, even if doesn’t necessarily present you in the best possible light.

    It’s possible, that after speaking to you at length, he came to the realization that your problems were much more complicated than he thought, and that it was beyond his capabilities to help you.

    He decided to be charitable to you and NOT tell you as much to your face. He therefore came up with a response which is more face-saving (to you, which is that he’s (supposedly) busy with shidduchim for his children.

    I might be wrong, but it’s food for thought.

  5. Hey, it’s gesheft. The shadchan was canvassing and networking. Yungermon, find a rebbe who can test you for naivete, and prescribe appropriate mussar.

  6. My only advice I could give Elter Bachur is …and by the way I was an Elter bachur myself in Lakewood for quite a number of years, so “I feel your pain” is an understatement. My advice is; move on! it’s not going to get you anywhere all these hakpodos, so forget it and remember every little bit of agmus nefesh down here will ultimately take off a chunk up there. So again forget about it and keep focusing on the main goal. Hopefully you will find someone that you could look back and say it was worth the long wait.

  7. Elter Bochur:

    As both a shadchan and the mother of an elter bachur, I am guessing he was asking questions because he had an idea for you, possibly in his own family. Once that wasn’t shayach, he moved on, as he isn’t someone who normally reds shidduchim. Though his response to you was less than tactful, I am sure his interest was genuine. IY’H you should find the right one soon, via another shaliach.

  8. #5, Being dan l’kaf zchus is important, but please don’t label this boy with ‘problems’. He may not be married yet, but why does that make you think he has problems? There are many people not yet married and there are many reasons for that.
    I am writing in pain, because I too am considered a ‘problem’ for shidduchim. But I believe 100% that to Hashem there’s no difference in His ability to match me with my zivug than it is to match up a ‘problem-free’ person.

  9. Elter Bachur,

    single fellows, just for being single, have a destabilizing effect on alot of peoples sense of societal stability.

    This might have been one form of reaction