The Matzav Shmoooze: The New Shidduch Crisis – Divorce


divorceDear Editor@Matzav,

All I hear about wherever I go is the shidduch crisis. Anyone remotely connected with the frum community – like all Matzav readers – is aware of the “crisis” affecting so many older singles.

But the result of all the outcry and the efforts of those who are pushing for all types of brilliant ideas to change the system is a very distressing new “shidduch crisis” – the epidemic of divorce.

Years ago, divorce was a bad word. Few people got divorced. Nowadays, getting divorced is like going to the bank or grocery store. If you need it, you do it.

The stigma has been watered down.

The age gap people and others have caused many to panic and think that they are “missing the boat,” so girls are jumping at shidduchim, even though the shidduchim are way off base. A girl jumps into a marriage even if the personalities don’t click, and this leads to unhappiness, discord and ultimately divorce.

There’s more to it, but there’s no question that those who view themselves as the saviors of Klal Yisroel are actually causing the breakups of many marriages.


Nechama Lev

{ Newscenter}



  1. A little extreme this letter. Can agree. But there’s still no question in anyone’s mind anymore that the “Age Gap People” is a cover up for the real intention here. Its a campaign to make sure that older girls 25 and older specifically score younger guys , which is what they all want. Not a guy, not a compatible guy.. A younger guy !

  2. What about personal responsibility? Can the shadchan be blamed for a bad marriage? No of course not. Those who are trying to help the shidduch situation are doing exactly that – trying to help – and deserve our thanks and hakaras hatov. Do you blame the doctor when a patient gets sick? Those who are trying to help should be commended – not blamed.

  3. As someone who is heavily involved in shidduchim the 2 main questions a boy’s mother asks is does the girls parents have money and is the girl georgeous. Nothing else seems to matter even if the couple is totally mismatched. Another smaller factor is that some of the girls Come back from seminary so brainwashed about long term learners even though they really don’t mean it or weren’t brought up with that mindset. Their parents have so much pressure on them to get them married off right away give in to their daughters false dreams and marry then off to these long term learners even though they are not compatible. Once married and reality sinks in, the brainwashing is wearing off do they realize their mistake and divorce is the only way out

  4. I wonder how this person knows that the cause of more divorce is from the shidduch crisis campaign. Is there evidence to this theory? The fact is that there was panic well before the age gap advertising. Its been at least 15 years that girls nont get dates this causes panic with the advertising and without. I don’t know that this panic is cause for divorce since like I said there is no evidence to it, But the way to alleviate the panic is by alleviating the shidduch crisiss and the way to alleviate the shidduch crisiss is by close g the age gap.

  5. to comment #4.

    Based on your reporting of what boys mothers are requiring, we should be seeing nothing other then rich girls getting married , and no one else. Happy to say that this is not the case in real life.

  6. There are a lot of reasons for divorce, and sometimes it is the best solution to a bad marriage. But I can’t help but think that the fact that the boys are being pushed to date/marry before they are ready is a major contributor. Instead of boys going out at a YOUNGER age, girls should start going out at an OLDER age. That would also help bridge the age gap. Unfortunately, parents of girls are so afraid of not marrying off their daughter that they start them off before they are barely home from seminary and the girls have not had a real chance to discover who they really area and what their life goals really are (rather than what their seminary teachers tell them). The girls feel the same way. My daughter is home from seminary for a year now, and she thinks that she is an old maid at the ripe age of 20! Instead of spending the time she has now working, putting away money, enjoying herself, or learning a trade, she is worrying herself sick that she is not married yet.

  7. Is the divorce crisis an outgrowth of the shidduch crisis, or is the shidduch crisis an outgrowth of the divorce crisis?

    This letter makes it clear, while offering a justification, that it is the girl or woman who will seek to divorce since the personalities don’t click, and this leads to unhappiness, discord and ultimately divorce.

  8. Boker Tov!!! Everyone talks about the “Shiduch Crisis” and has come up with various opinions, solutions, etc. To truly understand what the crisis is all about, we should not be talking to shadchanim, etc., but to the Rabbonim who are dealing in Gitin! A composite of what they are hearing and seeing would be a more realistic approach to identifying the issues, “connecting the dots” of those issues and then trying to come up with a more comprehensive approach.

  9. Maybe if people would meet and get married like they did in the 70’s without a shadchan in the american jewish community. Then their wouldnt be a shiddech crisis and a divorce crisis.

  10. Shidduchim today work in the following manner. If you are wealthy and your daughter is in seminary in Israel , before Pesach you are bombarded by shadchens wanting to set her up with long time learners. Some give in to the reassure and allow their daughters to start going out during the Pesach break. Others hold off till June but by then the pressure is so great they totally go into the parsha even if their daughter is not ready to get married. If you don’t have money and are not well connected or your daughter is not so pretty you chalish for any shidduch to come your way. Your pressure is different because your pressure is to even get a shadchens to talk to you that your daughter should not become a statistic and part of the crisis. MAmy times such parents have to settle for shidduchim that they would never had considered and don’t do the proper checking and they end up falling in. Bottom line kids are being pushed into shidduchim that are not a match from the start just to relieve the pressure. I get heartbroken when I hear of couples that don’t even make it through the Sheva brochos and they are already separated. What were the parents thinking ?A divorcee has a much harder chance to remarry than someone who broke their engagement even if they break it the day of the wedding. People have to be smarter and get married for tachlis not for money , looks or kovod.

  11. Parents are not the kallahs nor the chassans; neither are the shadchanim. Mature people who are not negia but who know the way of the world as a Torah Jew understands it should be the guide. of two inexperienced but anxious children .(Rav Avigdor Miller is my mental model)

  12. ruined. Many Thursdays my
    husband would not come home.I was advised by friends to divorce. I hung in there. When my shvigger was niftar my narriage improved tremendously. Today my children have a father and not a broken home. I would say that many mothers in law can’t let go of their sons and cause divorces. The shidduch crisis could be reduced if mothets in laws went for help.

    poisoned and riled up. Shabbos was a nightmare. Everything I did was not good enough for my shvigger. Several Thursdays my husband would not come home because his mom turned
    Er i
    him against me. Many people told me to leave the marriage brcause my husband was a momma boy and didn’t stand up for the marriage. I hung in there with my marriage on a thread. When my shvigger pased away my marriage improved tremendously. My opinion is that many divorces are due to mothrrs in laws that ruin the marriage..

  13. I’m married 41 years. The first 29 were horrible. My shvigger meddled and poisoned my husband against me. Somedays he wouldn’t come home after his weekly visits. I would sit with a newborn alone crying. Frirnds advocated divorce. I hung in there. When my shvigger ess niftar my marriage flourished. I began to live. My kids b”h hVe a father and not a broken home. The point is that many sick mothers inlaws cantclet go of their sons. These shviggers contribute to the divorce crisis. If only shviggers would get help before they marry off their sons. There are kallah and chassan classes. Why can’t there be a requirement for mechutanim classes?

  14. The primary reason for the rash of divorces is simple. Women in the non-chasidish so called yeshivish society must be Size 0, immaculate housekeepers, patient mothers, gourmet cooks, budget directors and breadwinners[ not just work make alooot of money] men are being asked to simply inhale and exhale there comes a point in time where women question what on earth the point is. They feel that they are being run ragged for a dubious cause[ they are not actually married to the chazon ish- just a fairly decent well meaning albeit spoiled rotten gentlemen] They wonder why they cant manage on their own and they can, as they have been emotionally and physically on their own for years

  15. 21 .Comment from fathousewife
    June 20, 2015 at 11:22 pm
    The primary reason for the rash of divorces is simple. Women in the non-chasidish so called yeshivish society…..

    Wait a second, fathousewife! Why is it that secular woman are seeking to divorce at an even greater rate??? Secular men are not asking their wives to do all these things. Please explain.

    Of course, to admit that our women are spoiled brats who have been influenced by secular society, would require work on your part. And that is something that you are not prepared to do.

  16. Girls are taught that they must be married, and there is a huge stigma of choosing to remain single. Young women think that there is no choice: they must marry whomever they can or be considered second class citizens and nebachs.