The Matzav Shmoooze: The New Year and the Shidduch Crisis


shidduchimDear Editor,

As Rosh Hashanah approaches, our thoughts are focused on our actions and what the New Year will bring.

After 120 years, every soul will face questions on the Day of Judgment. Among the first questions will be: Were you involved in bringing children into this world? Another way to understand this question is: Were you involved in making matches?

Recognizing our responsibility in this area and understanding that there are challenges involved, consider the following – a solution so simple that it can be easily overlooked.

On a community level:

Every shul should consider designating a “go to” person to keep a list of all the single (or single children of) members. These designees should be approached when one is seeking a suitable suggestion and can also meet with one another and/or swap lists.

On an individual level:

Prepare 2 lists – single boys and girls that you know. Periodically, and anytime you add a new name, review the lists for potential matches. And then most importantly – follow through on your own or through a shadchan.

This effort need not be time consuming for any one person, but a joint effort can yield dramatic results: Two hundred people each devoting just 15 minutes per week would result in a total of 2,600 hours being invested per year.

In the merit of our hishtadlus, coupled with tefillah, may the Ribono Shel Olam bless the New Year with mazel and hatzlacha as we unite to build batim n’emanim b’yisrae

A Matzav Reader

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  1. Suggestion: Designate one sheva brachos for shidduchim. The chosson and kallah each prepares a list of their single friends and contact information (how they deem it best). The parents attend or the singles attend. In either case, each attendee receives the full list.

  2. Elephants have shidduch crises. People just have G-d and Torah to guide them. Is it essential to marry young? How do you know your spiritual journey is not more complicated? Give Torah the chance to design your life and you won’t schvitz till your latkes fall on the rug. Humanity is not being lost on the children yet to be born. Honestly, this new era shvitzers of pain by limpy moods is simply asinine. G-d is not going to forget the needs of Israel. Bitachon.

  3. Its time to say some muusar to the boys that don’t listen to shidduchim until they are 23 and to their parents. The reason there are so many single Bais Yakov girls is because of the Age-Gap. Its not only after 120 that they will be asked were you involved in bringing children to the world. Its now that every one will be asked why are you supporting a system that causes at least 10% of Bnos Yisroel to stay single. These 3000 single girls that could have married and each could have had 6 children. That’s 18000 Neshomos of Lomdai Torah & Shomrai Torah Umitsvos that were withheld from the world. What about the torture that these girls are being put thru under the name of shtieging. (Sedoim was destroyed for the torture of only one girl.) Stop the Achzorius of not listening to shidduchim until 23, & Be”H every girl will Bezras Hashem find the Simcha she is waiting for. May we all be Zocheh to the big Simcha of Be`yas Moshiach Tzidkainu.

  4. And here I thought the “age-gap” solution was the end all to all Shidduch difficulties. Silly me.

    Now, how am I going to pay for all 6 tuitions KN”H that I must pay each month? This is a much bigger crises.

  5. The shidduch crisi baffles me – we have made some many hurdles for a shidduch to be made – we are our worst enemy –
    Unfortunately we have a created a “selection” process for shidduchim –
    Resume’s begone – if a boy sees a young lady or she sees him – and they are in MIXED company a chausana or a shule – go over talk introduce – also there is nothing wrong with a boy working and learning – but all this is talking in the air – until we go back to the time after the shoah and the shopping was more understanding. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE or the pot will be empty !

  6. At a Shivah call about 8 Months ago in NY, at a Prominent Baal Habbos, there was a picture past around that was taken, in the late 50’s, of either a dinner or Melaveh Malke of Agudas Yisroel, which took place at a Public High School. Picture the Picture, of Rabbi Mike Tress ZT”L and other heads of Agudas Yisroel on stage seated at one end, and at the other end of the table, yes the same table were also the heads of Neshai Agudas Yisroel. In the crowd were tables of Z’erai in the front of the Gym, and in the back were Neshai or Bnos, some weremarried but most were not.
    The Baal Habbos that wazs sitting Shivah, told us “You know where my mother met my father” on a boat ride that Agudas Yisroel provided for Bnos & Zeirei, this person’s father was not Stam a Baal Habos, this was a person that owned a Butcher shop in Willimsberg, who about him was said, when he opened up the Butcher Shop, the Gedolim and Rabonim of that Tekufah, said ” YETZ KMMIN ESEN FLEISH IN AMERICA” now we can eat meat in America:
    That night of the either Dinner or Mlaveh Malke both the Older men leaders, & the women leaders, would discuss who they saw that would fit one another for them to go out with: thatshow they met: There was no such Shiduch Crises. We have created this so called shiduch crises, amongst ourselves, the more books and literature that comes out the more the problems, if a Bochur goes out with someone, and it didn’t fit him, instead of saying that she would be good for so & so, he right away puts out an SOS with 10 bad things. Parents and Rabeim are making them look at the non important things in life: Instead of looking for someone that is going to take care of your daughter, i.e. helping with the kids, and laundry, dishes,shopping, etc. etc. talking to them like there humans instead of looking at them, and treating them as a maid, “VEIL SE KUMPT MIR ” the world would look a whole lot different: Wishing everyone a KIVAH VECHASIMAH TOVAH: Wishing everone GEZINT NACHAS & PARNOSSOH for a stress free year:

  7. How about a campaign to convince the mothers of the boys that they can let them get married at 20 without all the neighbors talking? The whole issue is peer pressure – on the mothers of the boys.

  8. When we stop worrying so much about chitzonius and actually rely on emunna instead of trying to find “perfect” people then there will be no shidduch crisis!

  9. 6/13

    “Rav Simcha HaKohen Kook spoke of the fact that if Rav Kook ZT”L could ever imagine a day when the Rabbanut could reach a level, a level that some get up and announce one does not need kabolas mitzvos to convert to Judaism, adding such a person denies Har Sinai…”

  10. #8 and #9:
    The situation you are describing was regarded even then as not lechatchilah. There was simply virtually no other way for young people to meet. There was no system of shadchanim, or of networking; the only alternative was the mixed dances going on at other places.

    In Eastern Europe, the situation you are describing was never the norm, and there was no shidduch crisis there, at least not as far as we have ever heard. Furthermore, the communities that do not have a shidduch crisis – i.e. the chassidishe communities and the Israeli Litvish – don’t and never did conduct shidduchim in the manner you’re describing.

  11. I think the writer has valuable suggestions that should be implemented – crisis or no crisis. Our devoted shadchanim cannot address the needs of all our singles on their own. Community participation is necessary.