The Matzav Shmoooze: Uninformed Chosson


chupahDear Editor,

As a young man who will be getting married in a month, I was wondering about the proper conduct of a groom under his chupah. Should he smile or should he cry? What do people say under the chupah?

Never having done this before, I am a bit uninformed. What is the correct mood?

A Chosson

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  1. When I was a choson I learned in a sefer that you should cry. After all it is like Yom Kipper. There was a godol (I think the Brisker rav) who wouldn’t officiate until he saw the choson crying.

  2. Happy but serious this is a big undertaking its a lifetime commitment u need a lot os help from hashem on a daily basis for everything including shalom bayis there sre so many things to be davening for under the chupah health of u and you’re spouse and iyh for children but still its a very happy and festive mood that u hould be in as well jut look at all the people who came to share in you’re simcha hatzlacha

  3. Ask your father or married brother. Or, you can go ahead and ask your father-in-law, who surely will be strongly opinionated and annihilate your indecision.

    PS He will be really be relating your shvigger’s highly opinionated opinion.

  4. The correct mood is whatever your mood is. Don’t try to make yourself feel something – let it come naturally.

    It might help to learn beforehand about what a wedding day is to a chosson and kallah. Understanding it could change the mood you’ll be in. Remember, it is both a serious day and a joyful day. When you’re under the chuppah, it’s said all tefillos are answered, so you should definitely daven for a good life. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy! Just do whatever comes naturally.

  5. 1. Why cry? Are you sad or thinking you that you may have made a mistake?

    2. How about being happy with a SMILE looking at the guests or you Kallah. feeling happy full of great emotion while you dressed din your best on one of the greatest day of your life?

    3. Some people cry because it is a day of teshuva, but you don’t need to cry to do teshuva. Its your thoughts and deeds that create the teshuva, not your outward appearance per se.

    4. It is a great time, enjoy it and liv eit to its fullest!

  6. Seriously?! I will tell you the correct mood is not to pose such a serious question for such a serious time for anonymous strangers to give their advice on a website. Ask your Rosh Yeshiva, your Rebbe or your Rav and if you have neither of those then ask any reputable Rosh Yeshiva, Rebbe or Rav. Hatzlocha and Mazel tov.

  7. Consider your work prospects, and how you are going to support her, and the children that god will bless you with.

  8. If you have a rebbi, discuss it with him. If you don’t, I hope it’s not too late for you to get one, but you’d better work quickly.

  9. You should treat it like any other day because not much is changing for you. Just a different lady making you dinner and doing your laundry.

    Your kallah should be crying.

  10. A kabala from Rav Moshe Tendler which I feel really hits the nail on the head:
    Daven, shukkle, cry all you want.
    Until the Kalla arrives under the chuppa.
    Then you must be 100% focused on her!
    No davening, shukkling etc.. Even if she can’t see you because of a thick veil, she’ll know and feel if you’re there with her or in the “oylamos”.
    Mazal Tov from Yerushalayim

  11. 1) You should cry that you asked this question to web site/blog. That you could not ask this question of your morah derech and/or choson teacher.
    2) We will smile at how silly this question is.

  12. V’gilu B’raada. It’s Yom Simchas Libo, but Simcha does not mean light-headedness; it is a truly deep feeling, thus allowing for both crying and smiling.
    Chassanim daven for what they should be aspiring for at this moment; shalom bayis, doros yesharim, banim uvanos tzadikim v’tzidkaniyos, parnassa b’revach – take a look at the tfila by birchas habonim or by birchas hachodesh for a general idea.
    Mazel Tov.

  13. V’gilu B’raada. It’s Yom Simchas Libo, but Simcha does not mean light-headedness; it is a truly deep feeling, thus allowing for both crying and smiling.
    Chassanim daven for what they should be aspiring for at this moment; shalom bayis, doros yesharim, banim uvanos tzadikim v’tzidkaniyos, parnassa b’revach – take a look at the tfila by birchas habonim or by birchas hachodesh for a general idea.
    Mazel Tov.

  14. Mazal Tov.

    The most important thing is to listen to and say amen to all the brochos.

    In the “spare” moments, you should daven that the Ribono Shel Olam will bless you with Sholom Bayis, righteous children and parnassah.

    Also, be relaxed and enjoy the experience!

    You and your kallah should be zocher to build a bayis neeman b’yisroel.

  15. Make sure you smile and say mazal tov to your kallah first immediately after breaking the glass, before everyone ells.

  16. Most chassanim are serious under the chuppah. If you don’t want to get your kallah nervous, here’s a tip: as shvach as you might be at the bedeken, just beam. (It probably shouldn’t be too hard to smile, seeing her again. Still, some chassanim are so wiped out they need a reminder to make the effort.)

    You’ll probably have some names to daven for then too, so you’ll be serious, thinking of them and your own future. And run all this by whoever’s giving you your chasan shmuz, or friendly neighborhood LOR, too.

    (And BTW, to the kallah: don’t get nervous when you see the pictures. Your shvigger will be crying, even if she was smiling when she walked her daughters down. We can’t help it. We love you though, really!)

  17. you should be very serious and not smiling and you should be davening the whole time for you andyour to be wife but when they start the brachos you need to be careful not to move your lips as all the brachos are connected and it will be a hefsek so just daven without moving your lips

  18. I dont know what to tell you but i wish you muchy hatzlacha
    when you break the glass it is the last time you get to put your foot down in marriage
    it is all downhill from there

  19. if you are mature enough (?) to get married you should be mature enough to not make a decision based on what random readers of matzav tell you to do

    if they will tell you to cry then you will turn on the crying machine?

  20. Most married people would tell you to cry… because you have no clue what’s coming.


    (Just kidding. Mazel Tov!)

  21. The day of your chasuna is a personal Yom Kippur. The Chuppah is your own personal Neilah. This is your last chance to do tshuvah and erase anything unfavorable before starting your new life with your kallah. Daven for yourself and your kallah. Daven for the children you will b’ezras bring into the world, that they should follow in the derech hayashar. If you can cry definitely cry, if not then don’t force yourself. This is a solemn time, but not a sad time.

  22. The most important item al pi din (besides daas for kiddushin, obviously) is to remember to have kavana to be yotzei the brocha on the wine since you will be drinking from it.
    Besides that, don’t really understand your question ? People are different; some smile, some cry , some daven for thenmselves, some daven for others. Why should there be a ONE way.Just don’t do something merely to be a ‘holy roller’ or impress the crowd. Hope you and your kallah have a long and happy marriage. All the best !!!

  23. Perhaps there are other emotions involved other than just crying or smiling? Are you just trying to please the crowd?
    The only one you need to please is your kalla – and generally you can only do that if you are genuine with yourself & really want to please her. If you do that, then HKB”H will be happy for you, answer all your tefillos & there is no reason for you to be sad. Happy tears? Thats down to personality.

  24. Also remember, Mitzvos Tzrichos Kavanna (acc many Rishonim) and Kiddushin is a mitzva, so have kavana to be yotze.

  25. Before my chasuna both of my Roshei HaYeshiva said NO SHUCKLING & NO CRYING ! Remember you`re a melech and must act with dignity not as a kid kings don`t cry berabim! As far a tzrichos kavana I don`t think that he thinks he`s playing a game.
    You will do just fine being yourself!

  26. You feel what you feel. Other people can’t tell you what to feel. You can’t tell yourself what to feel. Just pay attention to what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with. Good grief, who are you afraid of that you won’t do the socially acceptable thing at your own wedding?

  27. Well you should think of what really is going on. You are getting married, meaning, that in your heart you are Mispallel that the home you are now starting with your Kallah, should be a beacon in the Jewish community, Torah, Harmony, Health, Children who make you proud, Parnassah, Have the Zichus to be able to stand at the chuppah of your children and grandchildren, the main thing that the Almighty should watch over and help you two to lead this new Jewish Home in a positive Torahdika Journey. What better time is there than under the Chuppa, when all your forefathers are surrounding you. Letting a tear or two roll down your face is no embarrassment. Believe me it will make you feel right. Now if you laugh and smile under the chuppah, I believe that after all the festivities you should go by yourself with a Tehillim and cry your heart out why under “Your” chuppah you were a cold fish. Anyway think about it and you will do well. Mazel Tov. May hashem grant you all your wishes, Amen. P.S. I know what Tzohris is.

  28. Look at the Good Book

    ??????–????????, ????? ??????????; ???????? ??????????, ?????? ?????

    ??????? ?????????? ??????? ???????, ?????????? ????????–??????????, ???????????-???? ?????? ??????? ??????????, ????????, ???????? ??????

    ?????? ???????? ????????, ?????? ???????? ?????????–???? ?????????????? ????????-??????, ?????? ??????? ?????????: ???????? ??????? ??????, ??????????? ????????? ???????

    ????-??????? ??????? ?????????, ??????????? ?????????; ?????????? ????? ???-???????, ???????? ???????? ??????????

  29. The time to do teshuva is before the chupa. During the Chupa, although it is a serious time and you are committing yourself to a lifetime decision, nevertheless there are two overriding considerations. One is that you are obligated to listen carefully to the brachos and answer amen. The second consideration is one that will apply to the rest of your life with your new wife: be happy and calm in her presence. It will mean so much to her and influence her happiness greatly. Mazal tov!

  30. My Rebbe told me to daven for my future and all that by mincha, but to smile and enjoy my chuppah. He said this is a time of simcha, and any kavanos should be reflected possitivley. The chassan and kallah should be experiencing the chuppah together bsimcha rather than having private tefillos or crying.