The Shalom Zachar – And the Shabbos Kiddush for Girls

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By Rabbi Yair Hoffman for the Five Towns Jewish Times

Written in honor of the shalom zachar of our sixth grandchild to take place b’ezras Hashem tonight.

It is a minhag in Ashkenazic Jewish circles to host a Shalom Zachar where the baby is found on the Shabbos after a baby boy is born.  It is generally held after the Shabbos evening meal.  It is not a meal where people wash.

IMPORTANCE OF UNDERSTANDING THE REASON FOR MITZVOS

The Rambam (Hilchos Me’ilah 8:8) tells us that it is important to understand the reason why we do our Mitzvos.  He also writes this in Moreh Nevuchim (3:31).  It is also the view of the  Zohar (Parshas Yisro p. 93b) and Rabbeinu Yonah Shaarei HaAvodah #54. This is also true for understanding why we perform our customs.  There are three main reasons cited for the custom of the Shalom Zachar.  

GRATITUDE REASON

The Terumas HaDeshen (Siman 269) explains that it is a Seudas Hoda’ah, a meal of thanksgiving.  It is held in thanks that the child was saved from the travails and dangers involved in the birth.  This is how the Terumas HaDeshen understands the view of Rabbeinu Tam cited in Tosfos in Bava Kamma (80a, “Yeshua HaBen”).

It is this author’s view that Chazal and the Chachomim throughout the generations were well aware of the potential for narcissistic behavior and selfishness that lies within us.  The constant stress upon Hakaras HaTov and actively actualizing it is thus a theme that runs throughout halacha.

This reason of Hakaras HaTov for the Shalom Zachar highlights to us the idea that we should always have and develop a feeling of gratitude and appreciation for all that Hashem gives us.  We should also have this appreciation for all that others do for us as well.  This is a critical component in our development as Ovdei Hashem.  

APPRECIATING TORAH REASON

The TaZ cites another reason in the name of the Drisha.  He writes that is based upon the Gemorah in Niddah 30b that states that when the child is born a malach, an angel, strikes the baby on his mouth and causes the child to forget all of the Torah he had learned while in his mother’s womb.  This meal, according to the Taz is to mourn the Torah that was lost.  

According to this reason, we highlight our appreciation for Torah study.  The Torah must always be central to our lives.  Every day in Maarive we recite “ki HAIM chayeinu.”  Torah is our life itself.

APPRECIATING SHABBOS

The TaZ provides his own reason based upon a Midrash found in chapter 27 of VaYikra Rabba.  There, the Midrash explains why the Bris Milah is held on the eighth day.  It draws a comparison between a king who tells his subjects that he will only grant them an audience after they first appear before a matronisa – a hostess.  The TaZ writes that this is the reason we hold the Shalom Zachar on Shabbos.

From the TaZ we gain an appreciation of the gift that Hashem gave us in the Shabbos.  It is important to remember that more than the Jew has kept Shabbos – Shabbos has kept the Jew.  Although it is somewhat ironic that the person who coined this expression was not observant, it is, nonetheless, a truism.

WHY NOT FOR GIRLS?

Rav Yechezkel Landau of Prague is noted to have asked the question on the reason cited by the Terumas HaDeshen (in his Dagul Mervavah sefer on Yoreh Deah).  If this is the, in fact, the reason for the Seudah to express our appreciation for the salvation of the baby – how come we do not hold this meal when a girl is born?

This author would like to answer that question with a shocking find.  In Meseches Smachos Aivel Rabbasi (2:3) – we do find such a meal!  

The meal is called “Shavuah HaBas” and it parallels the name found in Bava Kamma called Shavuah HaBen.  It is also likely that the Kiddush that we have in shul on Shabbos when a girl is born is in order to fulfill this idea too.

It is well known that Rav Chaim Kanievsky Shlita has consistently advised young women who are still in search of a Shidduch to hold a Kiddush in shul – even if the girl is now in her twenties!  It could very well be that the Shabbos Kiddush is a fulfillmeny of the “Shavuah HaBas” that is referenced in Aivel Rabbasi.

REASON FOR THE NAME

The Yaavetz writes in his Sefer Migdol Oz that the reason it is called Shalom Zachar is on account of the fact that it is to remember or commemorate the Torah that was lost.  

IS IT A SEUDAS MITZVAH?

The Trumas HaDeshen rules that, in fact, the Shalom Zachar is a Seudas Mitzvah.  He cites as a proof that the Gemorah in Bava Kamma tells us that Rav entered the meal of Yeshua HaBen (as it was called then, according to the Trumas HaDeshen).  We know from elsewhere (Chullin 95b) that Rav never ate at a Seudas Reshus – a festive meal that was not a seudas Mitzvah.  Therefore, the Trumas HaDeshen concludes that it is a Seudas Mitzvah.

The Chavos Yair, however, disagrees.  He states (Siman 70) that it is possible that Rav had just popped in and did not partake of the actual meal itself.  

DELAYED BRIS

If the child is jaundiced or otherwise ill and the Bris will not be held within the next week, there is a debate among authorities as to when the Shalom Zachar is to be held.  Some hold it on the Shabbos before the Bris (Yaavetz and Chochmas Adam 149:24), while others (Zocher Habris) hold that it is always the Shabbos after the baby is born.  The language of the Ramah seems to indicate that he held to this view.  The prevailing custom seems to be that it is held after the birth.

A FRIDAY NIGHT BIRTH

What happens when the baby is born on Friday night?  In such circumstances it is often logistically difficult to arrange a Shalom Zachar.  The Pri MaGadim (MZ YD 444:9) writes that one does it as close to the birth as possible.  The Chayei Adaam, however, disagrees and writes that it should be done as close to the Bris Milah as possible.  Each person should ask his own Rav.

 

The author can be reached at yairhoffman2@gmail.com

 

Mazel tov to the parents, Eliyahu and Tzivi Hoffman of Lakewood, NJ.  A refuah shleima to R’ Rephoel Yaakov Tzvi Ben Dvorah Leah.  

1 COMMENT

  1. What upsets me most is that most of the time, they keep the good/better food in the ladies section/side by these simchos. To the men, they put out the standard prepackaged commercial cake and beir mayim seltzer with arbis and stale pretzels. In the kitchen or ladies side, they display the home made stuff and better drinks. Whatever fancy packages the wife’s friends send over before Shabbos, always remain in the kitchen for the 2 or 3 ladies that show up. It’s not fair. The ladies NEVER eat it anyway. All they do is poke at it and sigh how many calories per serving it has. BRING IT OUT TO THE MEN WHO WILL ENJOY IT! Keep the cheap commercial stuff in the kitchen and bring out to us the better more chashuva food. Thanx.

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