Best Lines From The White House Correspondents Dinner

April 30, 2017 1:30 pm

The annual White House Correspondents’ Association dinner took place last night. Though the President, usually a mainstay of this yearly event, wasn’t in attendance last night, his absence was filled by comedian Hasan Minhaj hilarious monologue. Her are some of the best lines from the 25 minute piece:

“Welcome to the series finale of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. My name is Hasan Minhaj, or as I’ll be known in a few weeks, #830287.”

“Who woulda thought, with everything going on in the country right now, that a Muslim would be standing on this stage…for the ninth year in a row! We had eight years of Barack, what’s another year?”

“That’s why you gotta be on your ‘A’ game,” Minhaj said of being a minority. “You gotta be twice as good. You can’t make any mistakes, because when one of you messes up he blames your entire group. … And now you know what it feels like to be a minority.”

“Only in America can a first generation Indian-American Muslim kid get on this stage and make fun of the president, the orange man behind the Muslim ban. It’s a sign to the rest of the world … even the president is not beyond the reach of the 1st Amendment. But the president didn’t show up because Donald Trump doesn’t care about free speech.”

“We have to address the elephant not in the room. The leader of our country is not here. But that’s because he’s in Moscow.”

“Historically, the president usually performs at the correspondents’ dinner, but I think I speak for all of us when I say he’s done far too much bombing this month.”

“Now, I had a lot more MSNBC jokes, but I don’t want to just ramble on. Otherwise, I might get a show on MSNBC.”

“MSNBC, Please tell Rachel Maddow to chill about Trump’s tax returns. I don’t know what you think you’ll find in there, but there isn’t an item that just says ‘Bribes from Russia.’ That’s not how it works. You’re like, ‘Oh, I found the 1040 USSR.’ It doesn’t work like that.”

“I like to watch Fox News for the same reason I like to play Call of Duty. Sometimes I like to turn my brain off and watch strangers insult my family and heritage.”

“MSNBC is here tonight, and I’m glad you guys are here tonight – that way if I’m bombing, Brian Williams will describe it as ‘stunning.’”

“My favorite entertainment channel is in the building tonight – CNN is here. Now, you guys have some really weird trust issues going on with the public. I’m not going to call you fake news, but everything isn’t breaking news.”

“Every time I watch CNN it feels like you’re assigning me homework. ‘Is Trump a Russian spy?’ I don’t know, you tell me. ‘Tweet us at AC360.’ No, you tell me. I’m watching the news, but it feels like I’m watching CNN watch the news.”

“I would say it is an honor to do this, but that would be an alternative fact. It is not. No one one wanted to do this so of course it falls in the hands of an immigrant. That’s how it always goes down.”

{Matzav}