Dear Mothers-in-Law,
First, we want to say something important: We truly love having you for Yom Tov.
Your presence brings warmth to the house, excitement for the children, family stories, traditions, and that special feeling that makes Yom Tov feel like Yom Tov. There is something beautiful about having another generation around the table and creating memories together.
We also know that you come because you want to help, spend time with your children and grandchildren, and simply be part of the family experience. We appreciate that more than you know.
With that said, we would like to gently offer one small request on behalf of daughters-in-law everywhere.
After the meal, if possible, please consider going to your room for a few hours to rest, relax, read, nap, or simply enjoy some quiet time — even if you don’t actually need the rest.
It may not seem like a major thing, but those afternoon hours can be incredibly helpful. They give us a chance to clean up the kitchen, reset the house, organize the next meal, and handle the million little things happening behind the scenes.
There is something much easier about moving around freely and getting things done without feeling like someone is watching us work, or feeling like we need to remain socially “on” while simultaneously trying to manage the house.
And if we are being fully honest, those few hours can also give everyone a little breathing room. Not because we do not love you, but because even people who love each other very much sometimes benefit from a little space during a long Yom Tov together.
Ironically, when everyone gets that break, the next seudah is usually even nicer. We return refreshed, calmer, happier, and more able to genuinely enjoy being together.
So please know: Disappearing for a little while in the afternoon is not abandoning the family. It may actually be one of the greatest acts of kindness you can give the family.
With love and appreciation,
The Daughters-in-Law
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The mothers and fathers-in-law should just stay home. They are not wanted. They are permitted to come to help “create memories” (whatever that means) but chas v’shalom that they should try to be part of the family. The obligation of Kibbud Av is exhausted by inviting the parents to come and allowing them to be at the seudah. After that; the parents are just a pain in the neck and should just go away until the next meal. Why should adult children have to “be on” for their parents? The parents should just be grateful that their adult children allow them to still be alive. What a chutzpah. Assuming that a real person wrote this letter; that person should be ashamed.
If anyone should feel ashamed, it’s you and those who share your viewpoint. If you truly enjoyed having guests and were honest with yourself, you would have expressed a similar sentiment. Unlike you, the author respects her in-laws and appreciates their presence at the seudos. She wrote a heartfelt letter filled with understanding and compassion.
Hashem, Please dont give me such daughter in law’s!!!!!!
When they come to me I would never say it about them!!!!!
There’s something that 100% depends on your situation and relationships.
This may or may not be something that will work well in your own (the letterwriter’s) life, but it’s terrible advice for many other people.
If you can’t think of a dozen scenarios or more where this is a terrible idea than you aren’t doing very much thinking.
This is not the sort of letter that needs to be addressed to the general public, it only needs to be addressed to your mother-in-law.
Think about the poor girl who just got married to the oldest of 13, whose mother-in-law is not going to take this advice and expect her daughter-in-law of three months to do all the cleaning and setting the table on her own thanks to your letter.
I appreciate your intent, but it fails on execution.
Best reply yet.
We also had Bubby over for Yom Tov and were happy to have her here without needing a break where she went to a room away from us or the kids. Some people may need “time off” from company, some may not. This can be due to several reasons, including her personality, your personality, or other things. Without questioning some people’s need for time off, I would say to keep in mind that she’s your mother (in-law) and you must do everything possible to insure she’s treated respectfully and you don’t insult her or make her feel bad.
What a disrespectful post! Do you feel this way about all your guests? You need some hachnosas orchim lessons.
Seems like the write of the condescending article is a mentally challenged entitled unappreciative selfish person who lacks basic decency and honor to parents. Can just imagine what her husband has to put up with. Shame!
What a pathetic letter. If you’re having issues, have a conversation. Don’t speak for the rest of us who feel nothing in common with you. And apologies to any mom in law who now has to wonder if her daughter wrote this.
She could also take a walk, go visiting, take children to park, for a walk, play with them…
I follow the news on Matzav because it’s basically clean and loshon hara-free, but why are such rediculous letters on your website? It’s not about freedom of speech. The letter you printed today about mothers-in-law is highly offensive and untrue for most families. Many grandmothers such as myself stay up after the seuda to take the kids to the park and play games with the kids so the daughters and daughters-in-law could take a nap!
Please be careful about what you print! Better yet, maybe you should eliminate these letters altogether because they could be very offensive.
Lol! My daughters-in-law are ALL in big trouble now!!
And here I was, feeling guilty for going to take a nap, when all the time they really wanted me to get out of the way!!
What a generation we have created….Hashem yerachaym
Dear Mothers-In-Law,
Whatever you do PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT TAKE A NAP unless you really need it. We love when you come for Shabbos and Yom Tov. We love the connection you make with the children. We love the stories you tell and the Mesora you give over. We love your endless patience. We love how you will never come empty handed, whether it is main courses for Seudos, deserts, toys for the kids, ties for the adult boys, pitchifkis for the house.
As a mother of a large family, I rarely have the time to sit on the floor and read books, play games, do puzzles with the children, yet you have endless time to give each child the attention they need. But most of all we love that after the meal you will inherently say “You go take a nap, I will watch the kids and clean up”.
Dearest Mother-In-Law, you have no idea what this means to me. After staying up late at night preparing menu’s, cooking, baking etc. I sometimes feel washed out by the time Yom Tov comes. That two to three hour nap not only rejuvenates me, it helps me be a better hostess and mother. It allows me to rest and refocus on the beauty of Yom Tov and the essence of the Chag. For a few hours I can leave behind the pile of dishes (knowing they will be washed and put away buy the time I wake up). Yes, I can even leave the floor unswept knowing it will be spic-and-span by the time I awaken. I can rest confidently knowing the kids are being taken care of, loved, and entertained. This is gift far greater than all the goodies you bring for Yom Tov.
I feel so sorry for those daughter-in-laws who feel they are being “watched” and/or judged. Dearest Mother-In-Law I know you love me unconditionally and realize how juggling a house of children, working full time, and preparing Yom Tov is no easy task. I know you understand it because I know you went through the very same thing. For years you juggled home, work, life, Yom Tov (and yes as you tell us you did it even without cleaning help) and you show how much you appreciate my efforts by helping out in so many ways.
So I beg you from the depth of my heart. KEEP COMING AND PLEASE DO NOT GET LOST FOR A FEW HOURS. Of course if you need the sleep take advantage and get the rest you need, but do not feel that I want you to get lost for a little while. I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT. Stick around and be there for my children, be there for your son and most of all keep being there for me.
Your most appreciative DAughter-In-Law
Excellent response.
I know my dils would never write such a letter. Their parents actually did a good job of parenting, and BH each of my sons is bentched to have a wonderful wife. I davened good!
I agree with the letter writer. However, it depends on what the circumstances are. If you’re one of the lucky families (that they write about in the Heimishe magazines) that are 100 percent functional and everything is peachy keen, so then of course, the in-laws can hang around the dining room/living room all day. But lemaaseh, if you’re a normal family and not everything is 24/7 lovey dovey with the in-laws/michutanim, if they don’t have enough seichel to go to their sleeping arrangements, I would have a problem as well. There is something brought down in seforim called “don’t overdo your stay”. There is also something called boundaries. That applies to all guests. You don’t want to be known as the guest from h–l. It certainly doesn’t endear the guests to the hosts. You may not be invited again in the future. Common sense. Ah bissel seichel. Now, if you’re one of the rich and famous and built for yourself one of those monster mansions and the kitchen is a mile away from the living room, perhaps the in-laws can relax on the couch/recliner all day gezunteh heit.
Click bait.
A mother in law showed up at her daughter’s in law home with pans full of food and a huge suitcase. Her DIL asks her, How long are you staying for? She answers as long as you want. Her DIL says, Don’t you just want to come in for at least 1 meal ?
I guess for this DIL the above is true.
Actually I think what she meant , that whenever you are being hosted by someone, after the meals you should find an excuse to let the host clean up and rest. It just came out a bit strong.
Dear letter writer.
You are a disgusting human being. You are an embarrassment to yourself.
Take a lesson from Rus how she had sacred respect and dedication to her mother in law.
You have a lot of learning and personal growth in order.
Rus wasn’t sitting on her mother-in-law’s head, once they got back to Eretz Yisroel. She was busy working in the fields. Not sure what Naomi was doing. If you want to guarantee that you’ll never be invited again, overstay your welcome.
could not agree more with this letter
we love having my in laws but my mother in law sits on naps couch the whole afternoon and its not so much fun to always clean and prepare with her staring!
it may not be fun to say but important for mothers in law read!
You people have a mentally retarded attitude
stupid people write stupid letters whoever wrote this is total dooofusss
anyone disagreeing with this post never actually hosted their in laws
my mother in law is a LOVELY person – but the fact that she parks herself on the couch all afternoon can be quite challenging at times to say the least!
dont know if this letter is real – but i hope all guests read it!
pushit sechel your daughter in law is working like an animal making yom tov
let her breath for an hour
remember what it was like when you hosted YOUR in laws
couldn’t agree more
thank you for posting
really hope this letter is read by the right people
sometimes older people really forget what its like to be a young mother
first time i read a letter on Matzav that i can relate to
COULD NOT AGREE MORE
hosting is lovely but hard!
Agree!
whenever your being hosted you should either help or get out of the way for a little
an hour away enhances the stay!
This letter may be a manifestation of the ills of the era prior to Mashiach:
בת קמה באמה, כלה בחמותה
“A daughter opposes her mother, a daghter-in-law [opposes] her mother-in-law”
thank you for posting this
i actually have this problem with my mother. she comes very often and we love having her but sometimes would love if she would give me an hour or two to breath.
love the letter
i actually have this problem with my DAUGHTER IN LAW.
they come for shabbos and my son goes to learn and my daughter in law (who doesn’t have kids yet) sits there for hours on end.
i love her company and love having her around but sometimes i could use a drop of a breather on yom tov when setting up the next meal.
TOTALLY AGREE!!!! THANK YOU
true point.
every mother wants there kids to get out for a little. people need to breath.
you love them tons AND you also can use a breather!
making yom tov is hard. cleaning, cooking, cleaning, cooking four seudos!
it makes sense that the hostess should have a little time in the kitchen to herself
totally hear you!
i have this issue with my mother.
love ger tons and tons but sometimes it gets hard when she sits on the couch watching my every move all afternoon.
if she’d take a nap for one hour i think we’d all have a better yom tov
yes yes yes!!!
i adore my mother but she’s too old to help and sits on the couch watching me parent all afternoon.
i gets stressful at times!!!
could’ve written this letter myself.
my mother in law is really a pleasure to have around. however she is not able help and sometimes while clean and then setup the next seuda while she watches and chats it can feel uncomfortable!
hope she reads this!
Did you notice the curious timing? after a slew of strong criticism of the letter, suddenly there is a concentrated wave of full-throated endorsements of the letter, time-stamped from 4:27 to 4:54. This may be indicative of a concerted effort, perhaps by the letter writer herself, to salvage the reputation of the letter after the thorough and well-desreved tongue-lashing from the public.
notice this was written to HER mother-in-law, not to her HUSBAND’s mother-in-law
Okay. Thanks for pointing out that nekuda.
What a wonderful son, writing a letter so his dear mother shouldn’t feel guilty that she is taking a much needed nap. Of course he is watching the kids while his wife is letting the dishes soak in the sink so she can enjoy her tea and latest magazine. If his mother would see that she would undoubtedly start washing dishes, and she as a wonderful daughter in law would feel guilty, because her MIL already did so much. Mi K’amcha Yisroel!
Curious timing Part II: Second wave of full-throated endorsements of offensive letter, time-stamped 9:45 -10:14.
[Part I notes 4:27 – 4:54]
I have the best advice.
Once we are on the subject, wouldn’t it work the opposite way too. Bubbies would love their grandchildren to stay in their (cramped) bedrooms all afternoon, and morning, between meals. Just come out for the seudos so we can shep nachas from their long renditions of Ma
Nishtana, or Hashem Gave Us a Present. After the meals, quietly return to your rooms and don’t join until the next seuda. Our homes would stay cleaner and we’d sleep better! We also would prefer the daughters in law don’t sit on our couches and read Ami and Bina while we toil away.
Hmmm, how does that sound???
I’d like to clarify my comment. My children were so horrified by the letter, that they actually came up with this ‘advice’ as a joke. I love when my children and grandchildren come, even when they mess up my house! They beg my husband and me to come to them as well.
It’s possible your mother in law has a hard time with boundaries, but please don’t speak on behalf of all daughters in law. Families can be tricky, but if you want to have a good relationship with them, it’s a give and take.
Unfortunately too many children cut off from their parents. At least your mother in law wants to come, but if she ever found out you wrote that letter, don’t expect a visit from her anytime soon. Shviggers have feelings too.