Dear Matzav Inbox,
I recently witnessed something in shul that left me deeply disturbed. A father was visibly frustrated with his son for not davening and not sitting still enough in shul. His anger was palpable.
This father is out to lunch.
And he’s destroying his kid.
As we approach the Yomim Noraim, this moment was a painful reminder of how many parents are pushing their children off the derech without even realizing it.
Shul is supposed to be a place of connection—a place where we can come close to Hashem, and teach our children to do the same. But for far too many kids, shul has become a battleground. Fathers, in their earnest desire to pass on the importance of davening, are forgetting that young minds and hearts need to be nurtured with patience and understanding.
The image of a child being scolded for not behaving “appropriately” in shul sends a message that tefillah is more about compliance than connection.
Do we expect young children to immediately grasp the depth of tefillah, or the gravity of the Yomim Noraim? It’s a process that takes years—decades even—before davening feels like more than a set of rules to follow. Children, especially young boys, have active minds and bodies that naturally resist sitting still for long periods of time.
The way to instill a love of davening is not by imposing it with threats or anger, but by guiding them with warmth, encouragement, and yes, flexibility. Let them go outside if they need to. Let them fidget. Let them even go home if it’s too much.
Stop forcing them!
We must remember that what we are modeling for them in these early years will shape their lifelong relationship with davening.
How tragic it would be if, in our zeal to teach them to daven properly, we end up making them dread shul altogether. Forcing tefillah down their throats—telling them to “sit down,” “stop moving,” “just say the words”—is not just ineffective, it’s destructive. The very same child who is berated in shul will grow up associating davening with discomfort, frustration, and resentment. Is that really the goal?
As we prepare for the Yomim Noraim, it’s important for all parents to take a step back and reflect. These days are about reconnecting with Hashem and striving to improve ourselves for the year ahead. What better time to improve how we approach our children’s davening as well? Let’s focus on fostering a positive experience in shul. Be the parent who smiles when their child looks up from their siddur. Be the parent who offers praise for every small step, who makes their child feel proud of their effort, no matter how imperfect it may be.
If a child learns that shul is a place where they are loved, encouraged, and free to connect to Hashem at their own pace, they will grow into adults who cherish the time spent in davening. But if they learn that shul is a place of judgment, criticism, and pressure, they will drift away, chas v’shalom.
This isn’t just a message for the Yomim Noraim. It’s a message for every Shabbos and every weekday davening throughout the year. We have a responsibility to our children and to the future of Klal Yisroel to cultivate an atmosphere of understanding, kindness, and respect in our shuls. Let us be the parents who inspire—not through force, but through the gentle embrace of love and patience.
May we all merit to raise children who, with time, come to treasure their relationship with tefillah and find true joy in connecting with the Ribono Shel Olam.
Sincerely,
A Parent
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Sorry but your are completely wrong. A shul is a place of awe fear and work ! The Halacha is clear is a child in incapable to stay put and pray, parents are not allowed to bring them to shul because they disturb the tefilots of the entire congregation. So the father was right to if the child was at the age to comply sot and pray. If not, he should not brought to shul at all !!! Nobody wants to be the father of the kids who disturbed the prayers (replacing the service at the bet hamikdash) and prevent other men to Daven and concentrate. This father will have to answer for this in front of the bet din shel maala. There’s no outside for the children to go and play either. Shuk is a place of extreme fear and respect and hard work. It’s no place for children and it’s not a social club. Who doesn’t understand that is an am haaretz and will have to give the din about this. Inconsiderate parents being their babies, young girls and boys to shul and they running wild and disturb the prayers and disrespect the small mikdash. It is a huge sin but no less than leaving the shul full of dirty tissues, trash, wrappers, and abandoning books and siddurims after usage like a tissue paper. This father was right and hopefully he won’t bring his son to the shul until he fears the place and will know how to behave when inside. Our shuls are not social clubs, no day care and no parks not outside and not inside. Shuks are the holy place when we do our avoda. It has to be done without anyone or anything that could disturb this avoda. Who doesn’t understand this should stop his Gemara learning and go back to hilchot bet haknesset and enter the shul by marking a pause bowing down and depending on the time/zman say the pasuk … vaani berov hasedeha… children need to understand that going to shul is a fearful act of obedience respect and Work and nothing else. Until they can conduct accordingly it is a sin to bring them to shul. ברכה והצלחה Braha Vehatslaha
Forget the kids. Look around shul at all the adults, of all ages, engaged in activities not related to davening. Why is someone engrossed in a secret during tefilla? Why do people tend to hang around in the back? I’m not discussing talking all davening. Those who are engrossed in a secret, it’s because they are disconnected from tefillah. They are bored, at least they found a kosher outlet, so to speak, to pass the time. Kids do, what adults do. Perhaps ueshivos should learn one less shmaytsa and instead give a shiur on biyur tefilla.
My father stopped going to Shul. He said that it’s stupid.
So I go with my son and Zaddy sleeps in.
Autocorrect changed the word sefer, to secret, twice
Let’s make safe spaces in shul for kids to reconnect and feel loved and in touch. Children do not sit with htier fathers in Shul anymore because parents are afraid. Perhaps the reason so many children are going off the Derech is because parents are simply afraid to admonish thier children.
Not sure who this A Parent is but don’t be too deeply disturbed. Although there are people who have no parenting skills and are clueless about chinuch, the large majority of frum parents do know how to be mechanech children. Most children will come out ok.
As a famous speaker once said, don’t tell teach children not to talk during davening, as it is counter productive. They should do plenty of talking, and really be screaming, but they should be talking to HKBH
Matzav , you didnt pick a good topic to kuch the oilam. There is absolutely no other side than the one you presented.
See the Mishna Brurah 98:3. Enough said
It’s mind-boggling how many are ignorant of this halacha.
See tosfos chagiga 3a d”h nashim
Teach a child young that he has obligations or he will never accept any obligations, it’s what our generation lacks, no one feels he’s obligated and doesn’t want any obligations. Not with anger thou that won’t do it, but you do have teach ur child to do things he doesn’t enjoy because he is simply obligated. Kabolos o’l is a fundamental part of being a yid, if not being human, without any obligations what are we different then a cat who has a litter of cats and does not feel obligated to them.
Rabbi Heber wrote an article addressing this. Not every child is the same but if one gets to know his child, he could grow by leaps and bounds. Thank you Matzav for publishing this- https://matzav.com/are-our-children-set-up-for-success-this-yomim-noraim/
Unless I missed it, the letter doesn’t say how the old the child is. Are we talking about a younger boy, ten years old or younger? or is this about a boy who is a year or two from being a bar mitzvah? Would seem to be a huge difference.
There are two overlapping issues here. One is a general approach to parenting/chinuch. The other is the application of those skills to matters of Torah and Mitzvos. It is way too easy to simply expect a child to be punished and admonished into submission. It may work to get kids to comply. But it is ignorant and even dangerous to call that chinuch. Teaching a kid that they must daven or else they will be subjected to corporal punishment, rejection, abuse, or shaming is not accpetable as chinuch. No, it is not me being some modern, Dr. Spock trainee, woke idiot that says so. It is the Torah itself.
The writer makes a valid point about bringing kids to shul who are not davening nor being trained to daven. Disruption of any public event, kal vachomer tefilo betzibbur is intolerable. These kids need to be kept home. They will Im Yirtze Hashem be mature enough to come to shul, but perhaps not yet.
It’s not about “obligation”. Kids get the message in a frum home that there are mitzvos that are “obligations”. A greater obligation of the parents is to make Torah and Mitzvos observance something pleasant for them, with fulfillment. It’s not about external rewards either, though this may have a limited role in really young children. We, as parents, have a challenging task. How do we make davening something that our kids should want to do? No, it’s not about placing them at figurative gunpoint. It’s not about threats nor punishment. It’s about a kid finding davening inspiring, something that allows them to feel some connection to HKB”H. That will NOT happen with duress or coercion.
We have a great volume of resources from Gedolei Yisroel of several generations. Visit your seforim store. There’s a trove of treasures from Gedolim from several generations worth. The fire and brimstone has a dismally huge failure record.
They should have a special farbrengen for kids where they have heaps of nosh (esp. sugary things that make them even more hyper), sing TYH songs, and have a shiur in Chasidus instead of davening, like they have kumzitzes for adults on 9 Av in the 5T.
Oh, okay.
why just a kumzitz for adults on tisha bav? why not yom kippur? lets clap our hands in song instead of clapping our hearts in prayer
Why does everything today have to be soft and feeling? Teach your kid what’s right. Also keep your nose out of others business and there will be no reason for anyone to be judged.
If a child is too young to sit in shul, let him stay home or come much later. The age at which a child is ready to come to shul varies tremendously from child to child. Just because his neighbor’s child is ready is not a guide.
On the other side there are the kids with no supervision while adults daven.
Figure it out. It’s not a one size fits all.