Dear Matzav Inbox,
There are things we tolerate in our community simply because “that’s how it’s always been,” and then there are things that should make every Yid stop in their tracks and say: This is a shandeh. What I am about to describe falls squarely into the latter category.
I am speaking about the way some bosses in the frum world treat their employees.
It is shocking that in a community built on middos, on derech eretz, on ve’ahavta l’reiacha kamocha, we still have individuals in positions of authority who behave as if basic human dignity is optional. People who talk down to their workers, who yell, who belittle, who humiliate, who forget that the person standing in front of them is not “staff,” not “help,” but a Yid created b’tzelem Elokim.
I have watched employees—hardworking, ehrliche, dependable people—walk out of offices with their shoulders slumped, eyes glazed, faces drained of color. Why? Because their frum boss shredded their dignity over a small mistake, a misunderstood instruction, or worse, just because they were the designated punching bag that day. I’ve heard, and seen, stories of bosses screaming across the room, mocking their workers, calling them names, treating them in ways they themselves would never tolerate for a second.
And somehow, it continues. Somehow, we have allowed it to become normal.
Where did we go wrong? When did we decide that business is a heter to abandon basic decency? When did we forget that becoming successful or yarshening a company from your dad or grandfather does not give a person permission to become arrogant? When did we stop holding individuals accountable for acting like miniature tyrants instead of leaders?
We preach mussar. We attend shiurim about bein adam lechaveiro. We speak about creating a kiddush Hashem in the workplace. Yet, in the very same frum offices, behind closed doors, the behavior is the opposite of everything we claim to stand for.
And the damage? It is enormous. It destroys morale. It erodes self-esteem. It pushes people away from our community’s ideals. It scars them. It teaches an entire generation that frumkeit and menschlichkeit are somehow separable. It is a disgrace.
We must stop pretending this is rare or exaggerated. It is not. Too many people whisper these stories in the hallways, afraid to speak loudly because they need their jobs. Too many workers fear retaliation, fear losing their parnassah, fear being labeled “difficult” for daring to ask for basic respect.
Every boss has a choice: to lift people up or to crush them. To inspire or to intimidate. To behave like a leader or like a bully. And every employee has the right—not a luxury, a right—to be treated with dignity.
To those bosses who act with chesed, who model what it means to be a true baal middos, who speak gently, correct respectfully, and remember that their employees are human beings, yasher koach. You are the ones creating a kiddush Hashem every single day.
But to the others—the ones whose voices thunder down hallways, whose tempers flare without limit, whose arrogance fills the building—they need to hear this loud and clear: Your behavior is a chilul Hashem.
It is not leadership. It is not strength. It is not professionalism. It is cruelty wrapped in frum language.
If you can’t treat your employees with respect, you should not be managing them. Step aside. Get serious help. Learn mussar. Work on your temper. Do whatever you need to do, but stop excusing your behavior as “stress” or “pressure” or “that’s just how I run my business.”
We, as a community, must demand better. We must create workplaces where employees feel valued, where communication is civil, where frumkeit and menschlichkeit coexist, as they were always meant to. Let us have the courage to say that cruelty is not a business model, that yelling is not management, and that being frum is not a costume but a way of life that must permeate even the walls of an office.
If we cannot treat the people who work for us with dignity, what are we even building?
It’s time to fix this. It’s time to speak up. It’s time to stop allowing frum bullies to hide behind their titles.
Because at the end of the day, the greatest success is not measured in profits, properties, or payrolls. It is measured in how we treat other Yidden.
An Employee
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“We preach mussar. We attend shiurim about bein adam lechaveiro. We speak about creating a kiddush Hashem in the workplace. Yet, in the very same frum offices, behind closed doors, the behavior is the opposite of everything we claim to stand for.”
Mussar needs to be studied and internalized, not just preached.
Abuse can also come from customers, especially in retail stores. Employees/salespersons are also human beings. They are not your servants or shmattas. Be polite and reasonable in your requests. We are there to help you, but act like a mentch. Do NOT come barging into the store 5 minutes before closing with 10 kids, after the gate is half down, as if you own the store and we owe you something. It’s nice that you and your family just finished eating a nice dinner and are now ready for action. Perhaps, we (the store employees) have been on our feet for 8+ hours and missed our lunch break because the store was busy and hectic all day long. Now, WE are looking forward to calling it a day and heading home to OUR families. We are human beings and our lives have value as well. The worst is when this happens on the short erev Shabbosos. We have to get home to quickly to prepare for our own Shabbos. COME DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS. NOT AS WE ARE CLOSING!
Also, YOUR “emergency” is not OUR emergency. We will try to help you as best as possible. Just because you have a chassuna/vort/lichaim/sheva brachos/ flight to catch, tonight etc… and you waited till the very last minute to purchase/fix whatever it may be, is NOT our problem. Be respectful and appreciative. Basic common sense middos.
To go and complain to the owner/boss afterwards because you weren’t treated like a Jewish princess is the hight of chutzpah and ungratefulness, and halachicly problematic.
Treat others as you would like to be treated.
Good morning. This behavior is not limited unfortunately to bosses. It’s everywhere. Yes it’s all over be it teachers,neighbors,store keepers,gabboyim, etc. I myself have seen this behavior from workers and tenants to owners and landlords. Chutzpah has no limits.
Dear Employee,
Don’t feel bad. He probably treats his wife and kids the same way. He is a jerk.
The letter writer is 100 percent correct. I am a victim of “Frum” abusive micromanaging bosses. Instead of praise and encouragement, we received complaints and insults. Their attitude was, we don’t need you. We can replace you in 5 seconds. If you don’t like how you’re treated, get lost.
At one job, the boss had cameras installed in a specific store location. There was expensive merchandise being sold there, so we thought it was because of in case of a break-in or robbery. No. It was installed so the boss could spy on us from the comfort of his bed or his vacation. He would call in, why did you say this or that to the customer? Why didn’t you say this or that to the customer? Why did/didn’t you give the customer a discount? Why so much? Why so little? Why didn’t you offer him this or that? Why were you sitting down when the store was empty? You should be standing 24/7 even when the store is empty. Why did you eat that snack in the back, out of sight during your lunch break? Why did you share it with your co-worker? Why were you in the bathroom when I called you for the 100th time that hour? Why did you rush up a drei kup customer, who wasn’t planning on buying anything, on the shortest Friday of the year after closing time? Etc etc etc….. Evil wicked people who are going straight to gehenom for the full 12 months.
x2 my coworkers swear i wrote this
Micromanagement is not abuse.
It may be unwise, it may be a nuisance, but there is a difference between a legitimate although severe, and perhaps self – defeating management style, and abuse.
No – abuse…
People who study customer service are often aghast as how mis-identified the customer, the actual customer is. The saying goes if you want to have great customer service, treat your employees as you would have them treat your customers. Bullies are bullies and the pocket is the only way to “fix” them. Document abuse and then find a lawyer.
I worked for a manager in a large company and he hurt me so much for “basically” no reason. He did have issues at home – he should’ve stayed home. He hurt me so much that it made a chilul hashem – making me think – this is who I want to be, as a yid?
How dare he!!! Yes – I see this in our community and it’s horrible…
How do we let this happen? Where are the gedolim? Where’s our backbone to stand up to this?
I guarantee you – if my coworkers – under this same maniac would protest – individually – with respect but firmly – this would stop…
Maybe in my case they couldn’t – as he screamed at them too. Upper management (his manager) is the likely address. I don’t get it.
לא תעמוד על דם רעך is a mitzvah for all.
They’re busy beating us down for owning a smartphone.
Why is this the Gedolims problem?!
Dont look for someone to blame. Lay it on the person who did the wrong.
And how will this pandemic stop? Gedolim step in on Kiddush clubs – they definitely need to address this injustice
I have had my share of horrible bosses. My first boss 45 years ago owned a knitting mill. I was the accountant and I knew that he was going home with a million dollars a year which in those times was a fortune. One day the manager who oversaw 60 woman in the factory came to ask for a raise. This was the third time she had come. He kept her waiting for half an hour and finally told her ok I am giving you a 5 cent an hour raise. Based on her 60 hour work week it came to $3 a week raise. She got so angry she reached into her pocket took out a nickel and threw it at him and quit on the spot.
My next job lasted 2 hours. I came the first day and the boss started to train me on the computer system that he himself had developed. After a few hours an employee walked in to talk to him. He excused himself and went to the next office to talk to him. It didn’t take more than a minute and the 2 got into a huge argument. The next thing I knew the boss picked up a chair and threw it at the salesman missing him but making a huge hole in the wall. I excused myself to take a break walked out and never came back.
My final bad incident was not with the boss but the bosses son. The boss was a tzaddik, soft spoken and a real mentsh. One day he tells me that his son is coming into the business after spending 10 years in kollel. I was to teach him all about my job. Mind you he was totally ignorant in business matters and every question was why do you do it this way why don’t you do it that way. After a few weeks I had enough and quit. It was not surprised to hear that the company went bust a few years later due to the son making some terrible decisions.
After learning my lesson I was more selective in choosing who to work for and I have had positive not perfect experiences.
Not a Boss
Yep. I had such a boss 30+ years ago. He was a celebrity in the community- but an arrogant tyrant to me- his female secretary …. to this day I cannot go back to work in an office because I’m still traumatized….
a celebrity or an askan?
It’s always good to remember who we are and how we should act to others, whether it’s subordinates, acquaintances, family members, or anyone else. There is a frum person at work who can be frustrating to deal with, so when working with him I try to keep in mind that if it was my child, how would I want other people to treat him?
Thank you for the reminder.
I hope when they bring in their custom chavrusa to learn at 2:00 in the afternoon while you work your head off, the chavrusa recommends they learn some sefer chofetz chaim or mesilas yeshorim.
How does that hurt you?
I had a managerial position and sometimes I left early for whatever reason. As I pointed out to my support team, they didn’t seem to notice when I stayed over time to finish a project or came in on a Sunday
without overtime pay.
Appearances can be deceiving.
This is 100% right.
Nobody should have an issue with a business owner enjoying his success.
I think most people are mad at the unreasonable expectations bosses have of them and then any jealousy they have joins the pool of negativity.
Right on brother.
Bring back the mussar movement!
So I only need to be a mentch to other Yidden? How about to all humans?
It’s a bigger C”H when our own brothers treat us this way. Ein hochi name – we need to treat all people with respect and dignity. How we sunk!
I don’t think a letter has ever resonated with me as deeply as this one. I am currently in a very similar situation, with its own twists and challenges. I’m a hardworking father and husband, employed by a healthcare company in New Jersey. I daven three times a day, have two chavrusos, and consider myself a Ben Torah who tries to live with strong morals and values.
Baruch Hashem, I am good at what I do and have advanced quickly, now co-leading my company despite my young age. In my previous job, my boss was a true tzaddik and a gem—someone I should never have left in the first place. I switched positions for what I thought was a “better” opportunity.
My new boss is a very wealthy and influential individual. Unlike other stories you sometimes hear, he unfortunately does not have a good reputation and is known for treating people poorly. Had I known that beforehand, I never would have accepted the position.
Despite significant success in my role, the past four years have been filled with degradation: being called names, falsely accused of harassment, and constantly put down so I wouldn’t recognize my own value or ask for a raise. This has taken a heavy toll on me and on my family, and I’ve lost a lot of trust in humanity. It took time for me to realize that I am dealing with a narcissist, and I am now actively searching for a healthier opportunity.
I am not sharing this to gain pity. I am writing this to give chizuk to anyone else who might feel trapped in a similar situation. Hashem runs the world, and no matter how much someone may try to hurt you, nothing can happen without His permission.
יְהֹוָה לִי לֹא אִירָא, מַה יַעֲשֶׂה לִי אָדָם.
יְהֹוָה לִי בְּעֹזְרָי.
Stay strong!
but is he an askan or community leader?
Arrogant , disrespectful , and insulting behavior by these types of bosses is playing with fire and they can pay dearly even beolam hazeh , even years later. I’ve witnessed it and let this be a warning.
but they are askanim
Frumkeit is not some kind of costume or theatrical role. If it’s not from the heart, it’s not there.
The main thing is that we address the women as Mrs last name
Let this be a reminder: before starting a new job, take time to research the company’s work culture—easier said than done, I know. This doesn’t excuse employers who mistreat their staff; it’s simply advice to help you avoid ending up in that situation.
Update your résumé at least once a year and check whether your compensation is still competitive.
In my experience, more people quit because of bad managers than because of pay—and rightly so. At the end of the day, employers need you (or someone like you) to stay afloat. Don’t tolerate mistreatment. Speak up or walk away.
I worked for such a boss many years ago. I quit and moved on. If someone is mistreating you get out as quickly as possible.
this is motzi shem ra, I had the privilege of accompanying a chashuva Rosh Yeshiva to many offices and kimat 95% were very nice CEOs and the like. this is a miyut of a miyut he is mentioning. We are the Am Hanivchar mi kameacha Yisroel. I btw do not work in a office as I found the environment detrimental to my Yiddishkeit and BH I am not lacking as I have HUD, SNAP and other programs
Not sure if you’re trying to be a smart aleck, just being sarcastic, or making an attempt at bad humor.
A Rosh Yeshiva entering the office of a gvir with an appointment, of course the gvir is going to act with derech Eretz and hopefully be as cordial as possible. That has nothing to do with his treatment of employees and so on. What happens is, many a boss (not all) views his/her employee’s as long yutzlachs. After all, if you were a somebody in life, you would have your own business and then you can treat your under links as you please. That fact that you’re working for me, and I’m paying you an already “overpriced” salary, shows that you’re just a pain in the neck loser.
How do you know how they behave before and after your visit?
I work in a hospital with non-Jewish colleagues. I am the only Jew. We all treat other with respect.
Working in a hospital, especially the night shift, has its own tzniusdikeh dangers. Don’t fall trap to the yetzer hora. No one is immune from temptations & challenges.
Can we also address the nivul peh that some of the “gavrah rabbahs” use ?
THIS IS BY FAR THE MOST IMPORTANT ARTICLE IVE EVER SEEN . I HAD A BOSS WHO WAS SO ARROGANT HE MADE HAMAN LOOK LIKE A PUSSY CAT . EVERY DAY WITH HIM AROUND WAS A VERITABLE GEHENOM . HE WAS A SADIST WHO HAD SO MUCH HATE AND SINAS CHINOM HE COULD HAVE DESTROYED 1000 BAIS HAMIKDOSH . HE KNOWS YOURE DESPERATE FOR YOUR PAYCHECK SO HE HAS YOU BY THE GARGLE . IF YOURE EXPERIENCING THIS YOURE NOT ALONE . I ONCE HEARD FROM RAV VOLBE THAT ORTHODOX AND YIRAS SHOMAIM CAN BE AS FAR AS EAST FROM WEST
I HAD A BOSS THAT WAS MORE ARROGENT THAN HAMAN . HE THOUGT HE WAS THE KING OF THE WHOLE WORLD . HE DELIGHTED IN PUTTING SOMEONE DOWN TO THE GROUND . HIS CRUELTY IN VERBAL ABUSE RIVALED A GESTAPO . HE WOULD TAKE THE SWORD INSIDE HIS MOUTH AND STAB REPEATEDLY WITH ALL THE CRUELTY HE COULD PUT INTO IT
Problem is that all of those bosses reading this are laughing
There needs to be more collective way to combat it
B”h my boss is a massive tzaddik. Not to minimize this article but just pointing out the tzaddikim of klal Yisroel also. He never raises his voice and is always thoughtful. I thank HaShem for having him as a boss!
My motto is I stay away from these type of lunatic people. They come in all fields. It’s not only bosses. It could be people in shul who want to flex their mouths as at home they are quiet like a mouse. The wife is the one wearing the pants there. That’s another subject. The boss you have probably is so mad inside because he may be married to a machshefa. In a way you need to pity him. Maybe buy him some flowers to take to his wife. There are laid back people and then there are aggressive individuals who think they own the world. You have it everywhere including in collectors. There are people who will hunt you down for donations and refuse to leave unless you give them 500 to a thousand dollars. I’m an expert in dealing with those types. I begin to act crazy. I ask them to do things that scare them. It could be anything controversial like can you come with me to pick up a dog from a kennel. They think you’re extreme. I once told a guy who was a fake collector with fake stories. I told him I’m sad. He asked why. I told him my cat died and I put him into my freezer. If he wants I can show him the cat. He ran for his life.
I once had a boss give me a humiliating insult,
totally unprovoked, based on a rumor that he heard about me.
That rumor was Lashon HaRa, and our Torah prohibits
listening to Lashon HaRa and believing Lashon HaRa.
Our Torah also prohibits humiliating another Jew, even privately.
That boss was so ignorant that he was
literally not able to spell his own name correctly!
Yet, somehow, he always succeeded in business,
even with his cruelty and ignorance.
When I became a Baal Teshuvah — which required
gigantic sacrifices, nobody warned me this would happen.
Very sad indeed… isn’t this C”H???? We all feel for you as you can see 95% had bad experiences and this post is one of the only ones I read that have unanimously stated – we got a problem with our boss.
Stay strong my friend.
I beg the public to do something. It’s not against Halacha to “ask” a sheila if picketing is warranted?
Protesting this in all forms of written media and finding ways to spread this – is a mitzvah. Telling people in shul to protest this and open their eyes…
We had enough!
Seriously – didn’t we reach “bou mayim ad nofesh”? Please guys
you thought all frum people were tzadikim?
Baruch Hashem. My experience has been otherwise, my boss is the biggest mentch
Any job openings in your company?
I am committed to iy”h boycott (in my way) a company owner – when purchasing from him – whether he treats his employees correctly. This can be a local store that sells seforim or hats.
Screaming at a worker will bl”n make me a non or x customer. I’m very upset…
Stand up to them. Don’t support their businesses. Why should we?
Why are you blocking me when I ask something about supporting those that don’t violate employees?
I have had Jewish bosses (male and female, religious/traditional/secular) and non-Jewish bosses (male and female).
The absolute best bosses I had would be a tie between 2 frum Jewish female bosses and a non-Jewish female boss.
The absolute worst was a female fake-frum boss. The male bosses were decent to good, with 2 acting nice but in reality they cheated their employees. (The awful female boss did that too, in addition to major emotional and sometimes verbal abuse.)
I think we’re exceptionally disappointed by a bad frum boss because we correctly have higher expectations that a frum person not only knows better, but should care enough to behave according to halacha.
Tachlis, the gentile world is full of books and articles analyzing why really awful and/or less intelligent people end up in managerial positions while good, intelligent, and hard-working people end up working for them. In addition, the gentile world hosts support groups and therapists to help people deal with abusive bosses.
The letter portrays it as a frum problem, but it’s a global problem. That’s an important distinction.
P.S. Like another commenter mentioned, I did not work in an office for around 10 years after working for the really awful boss. I’m grateful to have found a very good work environment 10 years later (until it closed down and I got laid off). Like other commenters mentioned, try to check out the work environment and the bosses before you take the job. It’s really not worth the money to work for a manipulative, abusive person.