Dear Matzav Inbox,
In response to the recent post on Matzav from Rav Gershon Ribner, I feel compelled to share a painful observation that too many of us are noticing but few are willing to articulate.
There is a deeply troubling trend of girls marrying bnei Torah not out of shared values, yiras Shamayim, or a desire to build a true Torah home, but for cultural, social, or superficial reasons alone. The result is not harmony, but dissonance — marriages that look “frum” on paper yet are hollow at their core.
I recently overheard a so-called frum woman casually shmoozing with a neighbor, her language, attitude, and worldview indistinguishable from the surrounding culture. This is not an isolated incident. This is what happens when shidduchim are driven by money, status, and looks rather than middos and commitment to Torah.
And the image that has haunted me most: Standing in a grocery store, I saw a young man dressed like a slob, next to a woman whose appearance and demeanor could only be described as completely foreign to any notion of tznius or Torah values. The store manager — a man who certainly doesn’t keep 613 mitzvos — muttered under his breath, “Beauty and the beast.” When even the outside world sees the contradiction so clearly, something is terribly wrong.
Hashem yerachem.
This is not about clothing alone, nor about judging individuals. It is about the erosion of standards and the dangerous normalization of marriages built on everything except the foundations that are supposed to define a Torah home. If we continue pretending this isn’t happening, we will bear responsibility for the consequences — for our children, and for the future of our community.
Sincerely,
A. C.
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I am honestly confused by your “beauty and the beast” story. Is it a Torah value to be aslob? It seems that the problem they may have is the weight they put on appearances. But they may be exactly on the same page religiously. He may even encourage her way of dress, but not care about his own.
This deff exists. Not all are like that. To deny it is bieng stupid.
Highlighting an issue and starting a new crises is not difficult.
Do you have any ideas or solutions? What do you recommend?
I understand why a wife would want her husband to wear a wedding band, even if he learns long term. We are not living in the olden days.
You’re describing the current crisis that we’re in. Boys need to get married before age 20. So we won’t have this problem.
You’re describing the current crisis that we’re in. Boys need to get married before age 20. So we won’t have this problem.
While I am not saying this is a non issue, it’s been happening for hundreds if not thousands of years that couples are married off to bring money and prestige etc. to their families.
We just think that because we live in 2026 we are smarter than the old generations and won’t repeat their mistakes, but i guess we are not.
I am sorry for not understanding your article. You started off talking about Bnei Torah who want to do the right thing, and you ended with an example of 3 individuals that you state were not Bnei torah.
the writer is absolutely correct.
Part of the of the solution is if boys would get married younger, like age 19–20 and there wouldn’t be no crisis. It would resolve most if not all of the issues.
The crisis would then be worse for many; but better for others
No, it would level out the playing field.
Oh, okay. Sure. That makes sense. If a couple gets married at the age of 19/20, then they’ll know how to dress and how to behave appropriately, but if they get married at 23/24, then they won’t. Got it. Mamesh brilliant. You should definitely meet with gedolim and present your tremendous eiyn faal.
When boys get married younger they mature up earlier. When boys get married younger the shidduch crisis will end. The problem addressed in this article would go away along with many others.
True. The only thing that matters with regards to shidduchim, is how our all the chashuva people in Shul going to react when I enter with my new future son-in-law on Friday night. All eyes will be focused on him. Is he Rosh Yeshiva material? Can he be a magid shiur? A shaol umaishiv? Mashgiach? Could I of done better? What does the future michutan do?
Let’s see what sefer he is mieyen in during licha dodi. Let’s see how he shukles during shmona eisre.
Can you demonstrate the true extent of the problem? What to do about it?
Boys should be married at 20.
We cannot keep frum Yidden trying to improve themselves especially when they are guided by Daas Torah who have informed them this is the best way forward. Please refrain from attacking daas Torah as it seems you are from your letter.
Is the kollel lifestyle the only way to build a Torah home? Is true Torah learning only that which is done in kollel?
Are you saying that you’re jealous of the slob because he had a beautiful wife?
“Do not rush to judge those who sin differently than you”
“Do not rush to judge those who sin differently than you”
Please explain what the point of this is. Are we just being mekatreig now? I know literally dozens of wonderful, ehrlich, tzniyus young couples. Stop looking at the bad in everything. Please. We have enough enemies.
Is it a halacha that every shana rishona couple must flee Lakewood/kollel and dreizach arum by every single National park across the country and daven biyechidus in hotel rooms and rest stop area parking lots after the zman? Bobby socks and a baseball hat for her and khaki pants and polar shirts for him. Swimming together in hotel pool. Starbucks coffee can be ordered to the room.
Is this what a torahdikeh marriage is all about? The shver is okay with this?
Who taught them that?
Some of those issues can be fixed, if one was educated to live like a proper Jew.
There are Chabad houses near some of the parks that have daily minyanim.
Fly to those rather than drive to those so that you don’t miss any minyanim.
Maintain the full Torah-required standards of tznius everywhere, including in hotels and on outings. People do it all the time, and that can certainly be maintained.
Hatzlacha to all.
This is what’s done. They even hold hands if they are in an unknown far out place, I’ve seen it.
Most unnecessary problems with marriage in the frum community is because the boys are getting married too late. In this particular article, it relates to the fact that many girls who are not ready for a full-time learner, but do to circumstances they say they want that anyway so that is who they marry… Many girls want a husband who will dress casual -not black and white, wear jeans, and wear a wedding ring ect., and they marry a full term learner so what do you expect?
Or too early
Many many generalizations
I have a neighbor like that, she is 19 and looking for a shidduch, and says she wants a long-term learner from BMG, but she wants her future husband to sit with her by baseball games wearing caps and T-shirts, and she would be OK if he wore a chai necklace if it’s under his shirt. So to your point, I think she is not ready for a long-term learner just that’s what she needs outside.
She just sounds immature… reason to not get married before you understand whats what
But no kollel guy wants to sit with his wife by a basketball game in a tshirt with wearing a necklace, you get my point?
Let her hold out for a decade.Then get somebody young. boys change to meet expectations.
For the rest-Forewarned is forearmed
This cousin of mine said the same she prefers her newly married husband wear a wedding ring so he never forgets her during the day, but so far he is in kollel for two months. Let’s see how long that lasts. But she has a point.
I understand why a wife would want her husband to wear a wedding band, even if he learns long term. We are not living in the olden days.
How do you know that couple was married? Maybe a sister with a brother that lacks proper social awareness/etiquette. Before my SIL got a job my husband took his MARRIED sister out a lot bc she doesn’t drive and relied on rides while her husband worked. He would also take his mother on errands and sometimes they would go out to eat. I personally couldn’t care if people thought they were married. Its not their business and it shouldn’t be yours. Dont make yourself a part of SOMEONE ELSES relationship.
How stupid do u get. I run a supermarket in town. Noone is saying all are like that. It exists more than it should. The beauty and the beast story is a small tip of the iceberg. I run a store in florida as well. Theses people leave g-d in lakewood when they travel. Don’t be fooled that they have great marriages. Its sad. Don’t marry for money or looks. Many divorces from these types of couples. Make sure that they are erluch. Sheker hachen vehemently hayofi
The guys are equally guilty, if not more so then the girls. Why are you assuming the married women is the instigator. maybe the man is the pruste one, and has been shmoozing her up until she responded. I have seen men being the instigator, much more often then the women.
What does this have to do with Reb Ribner’s message???
Not sure.
Unrefined letter. Into the trash bin.