Dear Matzav Inbox,
This letter is a plea for our community to wake up and address the increasing number of divorces among our young couples.
The sacred institution of marriage, a cornerstone of our frum life, is facing unprecedented challenges, and we are witnessing a disturbing trend: marriages that end before they truly begin.
We must ask ourselves why this is happening.
Quietly, behind closed doors, the question is whispered, but the answer is seldom confronted. The truth is that many of these couples were never truly married in the first place. Yes, they stood under the chuppah and embarked on what was supposed to be a lifelong journey together. But too often, they were not prepared for the reality of marriage—the depth of commitment, the hard work, the avodah of a relationship, the selflessness required to build a bayis ne’eman together.
When a marriage crumbles within its first year, leaving behind shattered dreams and sometimes even a child, it is a tzarah not just for the couple but for all of us. We have failed them. We have allowed the superficial pressures of society to dictate their choices, pushing them toward marriage before they were ready, before they understood what marriage truly means.
In many cases, these young couples enter marriage with a mindset that is still single. They may wear the outward symbols of marriage—she wears a shaitel, he wears a tallis—but their hearts and minds are not united in the way that marriage demands. They may have been drawn together by fleeting emotions, by societal expectations, or by the allure of a chasunah, but these are not the foundations on which a strong, lasting marriage can be built.
Marriage is a journey, not a destination.
The initial excitement, the joy of being newlyweds, is just the beginning. The real work of marriage begins when the “honeymoon phase” fades and the challenges of daily life set in. It is then that couples must lean on each other, grow together, and face the world as one. But too many of our young couples lack the maturity and the mental preparedness to do this. They are quick to focus on each other’s flaws, to imagine that there is someone better out there, rather than working on themselves and their relationship.
We live in a world where social media creates an illusion of endless choices, where success and wealth seem to come quickly and easily to others. But real life is not like that. Just as no one becomes rich overnight, no one builds a strong marriage without effort, dedication, and time. The real reward of marriage, of life itself, comes from consistency, from hard work, from the daily acts of chesed and ahavah that build a home.
If we want to reverse this trend, we must start before the chasunah, before shidduchim even begins. We must teach our young people what marriage really is, what it requires, and what it offers. We must encourage them to understand themselves, to know why they want to get married, and to be prepared for the journey ahead. And a journey it is.
Let us not be silent. Let us not ignore this crisis. It is time to take action, to support our young couples, and to ensure that when they stand under the chuppah, they are truly ready to build a life together.
Sincerely,
Someone Who is Surrounded By the Crisis, Helping Couple After Couple
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I have just watched two divorces happen because of Marriage Therapists. Who try to just lead couples to a slow divorce stay away from them like fire. Yes “Frum” therapists.
Or maybe, had they gone to therapy before the issues were entrenched a marriage could have been saved. Another possibility is a therapist who wasn’t competent. There are lots of variables that you don’t know.
Your black and white thinking isn’t helpful.
Sadly, a chunk of the quick divorces are a result of children being molested etc.
At this juncture, a therapist is called upon.
Many times it is too late.
When the abuse is treated BEFORE marriage, it usually does NOT end up in a divorce.
Blaming failed marriages on therapists is like blaming israel for deaths in gaza
We are almost scared to teach about marriage until after the wedding. This statement applies even more to boys than to girls but let’s be clear: our girls are so underprepared to go out on their own. Too often you hear girls call their mothers for advice/help on the most trivial things that the previous generation handled. I am particularly concerned as the next generation will begin shidduchim in a few years; the generation I call the “electric scooter generations” A generation that doesn’t even bike ride anymore. A generation that can uber eats anything they are in the mood of at that moment. We need to stand back and ask ourselves, how can we fix this issue?
A symptom of babies raising babies, this electric scooter generation. Entitlement, I don’t have to work for anything and I can get what I want from the government. Why would anyone be surprised about the plastic cutlery approach to marriage – use it once and throw it away.
Very true, and sad.
“We must teach our young people what marriage really is, what it requires, and what it offers. We must encourage them to understand themselves, to know why they want to get married…”
Its not only teaching what marriage is, it life as a child as well. We spoil our kids with tons of gashmius, we teach them that everything they want can be gotten. Endless choices… we can have it all. Look at what gashmius we stuff down their throats over the summer, our camps… Then buying clothes for school… As we teach them that they can have it all and everything is well deserved, they become selfish. Histapkus is necessary for sucess in marriage. Unlike those who marry to get “what they want.” Two “takers” can’t live with each other. Its time to teach real giving, not only monetary gifts/ tzedakah, but giving of one’s self as well. Two “givers” will have a shalom, and can weather the storm of difference.
Wait. So you’re saying that after the initial infatuation wears off, there are no more trips to Yellowstone National Park and the like, and the lease ends on their high end vehicle, it’s not all that rosy of a situation??? They finally realize that all the stupidity of their engagement fun has nothing to do with changing the babies diaper at 3:00am when you have to be at work at 8:00am?! Seriously? No, stop.
Beautifully written letter which accurately describes the reason and cause of this terrible disease and does not cast blame…
“social media creates an illusion of endless choices, where success and wealth seem to come quickly and easily to others. But real life is not like that. Just as no one becomes rich overnight, no one builds a strong marriage without effort, dedication, and time. The real reward of marriage, of life itself, comes from consistency, from hard work, from the daily acts of chesed and ahavah that build a home.”
“But too often, they were not prepared for the reality of marriage—the depth of commitment, the hard work, the avodah of a relationship, the selflessness required to build a bayis ne’eman together.”
THE CAUSE IS INAPPROPRIATE MATERIAL ON THE INTERNET PERIOD.
No matter if you are a therapist, rav, parent, sibling or child of the couple, yes whoever encourages to break a marriage, is a shofech domim you said it’s OK to murder an entire family the two members of the couple hood, the current children and future children.
Sorry easy.
Divorce is terrible. Sometimes, it is the mitzvah to fulfill. A marriage that is not viable (regardless of who to blame) spells disaster for any children they have or might have. The decision is usually not easy, but it is sometimes the lesser of the evils. Your broad brush is simply irresponsible.
That is not true at all. You sound like a little kid!
SO why are you on the internet!
How?
While there are several different reasons for the uptick of divorces in the community, the single biggest one can be blamed on the NASI organization.
They spent the last two decades frightening the girl’s into thinking that they can possibly stay single for life.
That caused many of them to marry under fear and pressure, only to face the worst.
Long Time Shadchan
It is also forcing boys to get married before they are ready.
First of all, speaking as a single girl, THANK YOU for your work on behalf of the singles of klal yisroel!
I also want to respectfully ask – is Nasi not right? Numbers are numbers. The population grows by the year but our boys start shidduchim years after the girls, so of course there is going to be a discrepancy – I don’t see how we can argue with Nasi here.
More boys are born every year than girls (about 105 boys per 100 girls), so there needs to be a age gap or other factors to level the numbers, or you have an issue of not enough girls, like the chassidim have.
You are out of your mind. If people would listen to them and marry at similar ages there would be no issue at all because there would be equal amounts of boys and girls and no one would be scared or be left out or have an advantage. You really need to understand the math before you make absurd statements.
Answering both yourself and the the comment before you from Miriam.
I can speak for myself based on my own evidence, but happy to say that many other Rabbi’s and Shadchanim have come forward to say that the facts on the ground do not support the age gap theory as being fact. Quantity wise they find there to be no crisis and enough boys for all the girls , although the same cannot be said for qualitative compatibility.
I myself as a shadchan operate primarily in the age 30+ space where the age gap theory would be very glaring if it were real , and yet, I am happy to report that in terms of actual numbers , we have a relatively equal amount of males and females. What we don’t have is , enough Yeshiva looking type /, college degree professional doctor and lawyer boys for the amount of post Bais Yaakov girls demanding this hybrid.
In fact we just hosted an event for singles ages 28 through 40 to come and meet for marriage and substantially more males showed up then females.
So all this ought to set all the girls minds at ease and they can all stop worrying and not make bad moves under pressure.
The fact that equal numbers showed up at your event has no bearing on the mathematics. Additionally every shadchan is reporting different than you. And ask anyone with a girls vs a boy and you will see most boys loaded with options and most girls with few suggestions so yes there is a major issue caused when you create a situation where supply and demand are unequal and there is only one way to solve it.
Data has it that more boys are born annually then girls.
The reason girls as a whole have a slower time in shidduchim is because by protocol we go to the boy’s first.
The girls in our circles that are still single ages 26 and up , all confirm the they are getting dates , just not the “right” dates.
My own daughter, today age 25 and happily married , was in a Bais yaakov for high school with three parallel classes totaling 90 girls. She says just about everyone in her grade is married.
and if the girls themselves think they have a crisis, what did they and their parents and teachers and their lobbyist company’s do about it for the last 25 years besides for blame the boys ?
No no no! We must force our young teenage bachurim to slam shut their gemorahs and get married at 18. We must solve the dreaded deadly age-gap crisis!!!! We must close down any place that contributes to the terrible age-gap machela that is tearing our community apart
What a bunch of fake phony fraud hustlers. Those responsible for promulgating this age-gap hoax will have … to pay for all the gitten now being given because of their fake campaign, intended to shake down some gullible gevirim for a few dollars.
I am happy to support them and will Iyh now give them more after reading these uninformed hateful comments. First of all getting married early is what the Torah says, not any organization. Wait till you have daughters in Shidduchim and the cards are so stocked against you and you will wonder why and then you will change your tune when you begin to research and understand how mathematics work.
Spoken like a true kofer. Good luck battling God’s will.
Who wrote this article?
TAG ?
Wow, we have an agunah crisis, an aleinated father crisis, a divorce crisis, and a shidduch crisis all at the same time.
As a frum therapist with much direct contact, I will share some impressions of this letter. Some points are accurate. Some are mistakes. Here goes.
There is certainly a significant rise in young divorces. Statistics are neither available nor informative, so anyone opining is simply sharing observations. The author may see things I don’t, and vice versa. Here’s my take.
Preparation for marriage is a challenge. The boy or girl must change their lifestyle almost completely, and guidance for this is imperative. Role models, parents, grandparents, and others can be priceless, but not all newlyweds have this. The teaching for chassanim and kallos is critical. Halachos alone are inadequate to engage in married life. Parents and in-laws can be assets to a new marriage. They can also destroy it. How to enter marriage is the hurdle, and our community needs to do better at making the transition smoother.
Too often, there are issues in either of the young couple that were pre-existing. Allowing a shidduch to proceed without disclosing the issues is, at the very least, genaivas daas. Many marriages are doomed when these shocking surprises happen too late in the process. When I hear of this, I wonder what other secrets are still being kept. Not great for two people who need to trust each other totally.
Mental health issues are a huge problem. These include trauma, anxiety, mood disorders, and personality disorders. There may be less resistance to seeing a therapist today, but too many young ones enter marriage with unresolved issues, whether under treated or untreated. Marriage will not repair these issues, and expectations that marrying off such children will accomplish anything are badly mistaken.
The author mentioned social media. I strongly concur. But ordinary phone use isn’t far behind. Women are more apt to have their own networks of supporters whose unprofessional guidance can be dangerous. Outsiders are prone to taking sides in a marital disagreement, and are less prone to be neutral. So instead of two people fighting, there are armies on either side getting into skirmishes, guiding and advising how to win the fight. This interference makes reconciliation almost impossible.
Parents can be well meaning, saying all the right things. But actions often tell another story. I’ve observed parents beginning the cycle of consulting with Rabbonim and dayanim long before the couple entertains the idea of divorce. Other divorced people often contribute their two cents (not enough to cover legal fees), making the saying of “Misery loves company” painfully real. Once again, the approach that magnifies the discord while discounting the viability of the marriage is a frequent precursor to the divorce.
One frightening trend is the involvement of individuals, sometimes even therapists, who hear only one side of a story, and become active advocates. This is most destructive. I have observed colleagues who are approached by one side, make decisions to take actions, launch accusations, and make a spat into a war.
Some marriages should have never happened, others deserve to be saved, not destroyed. Too many people who are untrained and ill informed insert themselves into these situations. I would not generalize about therapists, but there are some who are dangerous to marriages. Technology has a hand in this, but it is far from the most significant variable. Improper material on the internet is undeniably an issue, but not the greatest one that dooms marriages.
Last comment – the divorces that do happen are unfortunate, and sometimes necessary. What isn’t necessary is the bitterness and feuding. Toanim and attorneys are party to this. It is so sad that parting can be amicable but usually isn’t.
There’s no question that there is a crisis, but the explanations given by the OP and some commentators are quite shallow. I know quite a few couples (to put it mildly) and their stories and the truth is a lot more complicated. I’m not sure this is the place to discuss the pratim but suffice it to say that guys need a way better education than they’re receiving. I’m working with some fellow rabanim and professionals on creating a simple online forum to deal with this hole in our chinuch.
(Meanwhile, I’ll add a plug to help anyone who needs help with their marriages (even if divorce isn’t the next step): I can be reached at [email protected] –
my main policy is that of complete discretion and anonymity, as I encourage those who reach out to use fake emails and names to allow perfect honesty, and as of now, my services are totally free, until I begin charging the $8 a month fee as per the standard substack paywall which we’re putting up for tznius reasons, that the sensitive material not be for the unserious… Of course if the issues are worse or more complex, I am working with many therapists which I refer at the first detection of quick flags. But many couples just need some education and don’t want anyone to know their personal info and this forum has helped well over a hundred couples already bH.)
Unfortunately the reality for much of these situations is the lack of dating education. How many are aware of critical signs to look out for? Black and white thinking (no middle ground), lack of empathy? These issues are taboo to discuss in our community and are covered up or ignored by shadchanim and references (who many times are unfamiliar with these issues and need to learn the signs as well) so instead we allow our children to learn from experience when so much suffering could have been prevented! Everyone dating must find out if the other side is normal (i.e. with predictable behavior patterns) before moving forward.
Some say it’s because of this, some say it’s because of that.
So here’s my two cents:
There is plainly a lack of proper hashkafa that the central part of every Yid’s avodah is to serve Hashem. A marriage is just part of that Avodah. Indeed, the author of this letter never ONCE mentioned HKB”H. Not every marriage will take effort, time, dedication, etc. so much as the Avodah to delevelop their middos. As the Vilna Gaon famously said the number one Avodas Hashem is to perfect our character, something that today is a bygone. Sure, it’s talked about superficially, but it actually takes tremendous work to perfect our habits. Therefore, marriages are increasingly falling apart because the the terrible Hashpa of the outside world and the degeneracy of good middos.
This was touched upon by Truth Hurts’ comment above
From quick, pressured dating turnaround time to the 2-4 month wedding preparing time is not enough time to adequately prepare the Chosson and Kallah for marriage. Many Chosson and Kallah teachers only focus on Halacha. If they have concerns about their Shidduch, the teacher needs to refer them to a therapist when there is usually not enough time to work out the issues beside the already set wedding date. Kudos to the Chosson and Kallahs that have the strength to work out their issues before walking down the Chuppah and not to be pressured by friends and family to go ahead with it anyways and “work it out after the wedding”. Many Rabbanim I’ll advise their Talmidim that after marriage “things will work out”. While this mostly works with anxiety issues, it doesn’t work when there is real differences of goals and values between the couple, and when there is no financial plan which is the biggest reason of divorce in the US. Give the prospective Chosson and Kallah time to figure themselves out and don’t pressure them to go into something just because it looks good on the resume. Trust your intuition. It’s ok to seek out therapy before marriage.
The issue has nothing to do with what age they’re getting married, 20 year olds are very much old enough to be mature, as long as they are taught what it means to be married.
Why Marriage Is Complicated In Our Modern Times
by Rav SHOLOM AHRON EHRENFELD
https://torahanytime.com/lectures/305659
Divorce is contagious. In the years before my divorce, several of my wife’s best friends got divorced, and they all hung out a lot
Not to take away from people who are truly suffering,
But
There is an ongoing trend on these pages to label everything a ‘crises ‘
However, when everything is a crises, then nothing is really a crises, and we become desensitized to the next ‘crises’
Consider toning down the hyperbole.
1) Nice letter, though it’s missing any sign of humility. How does anyone have the wisdom to truly know the causes? The letter-writer leaves no room for the possibility that he didn’t get it right in his slander of our community.
Worse, if the letter-writer’s reasoning is wrong, then his solutions will only cause more harm. A lot more harm.
And if the letter-writer has special prophetic qualifications, then how did he leave that out?
2) Several studies have shown that more than 50% of couples who seek out marriage counselors end up divorcing. I don’t have prophecy to know the reason of why this is. Just stating the fact.
That is not to say that we don’t have a vital and real responsibility to work on our marriages – we do. It is to say that you always need to be aware of the results of the product, as well it’s inherent risks, before attempting to use it.
We also need to make ourselves aware of all the tools which exist.
When Sinware ימ”ש was released from prison, together with another thousand רוצחים, for one ben Yisroel, people had opinions. But many allowed their opinions to be stifled in the name of ‘compassion’. “Just be happy the boy is home! Imagion if….”
Rav Moshe Sternbauch and other gedolim spoke out against how wrong it was. And dangerous. Now, many years later, during the terrible situation we’re in, we’ve all been slammed in the face with the truth. It was a bad move. If public sentiment had been against it, that ‘deal’ would not have happened.
When we see people ruin marriages- whether their own marriage or that of other people – we are naturally discusted and righteously judgmental. Then we have ‘compassionate’ letter-writers and activists who tell us to stifle our sense of right-and-wrong, but to be ‘compassionate’ and non-judgmental – and cruel all the people affected by the destroyed marriage.
It’s time to chuck out all the ideas of life which were borne in the universaties.
This article is a bit triggering for me.
My daughter married an alleged yeshiva bochur, who was horrifically abusive to her. B”H she is free, but the family still punishes her for her goodness, as she tried to help her emotionally unstable husband, to the tune of 30,000 of her money spent on therapy. Their rishus to hold up the “chosuv” family name and deny what he did is something I cannot understand or forgive.
I totally blame shadcahnim and parents who pressure kids into marriages that they have no feeling for .
Some of these boys havent ever picked out a tie for themselves and are told this girl is perfect and the feelings will come with time and some of these girls are so freaked out about not getting another date they fall for everything they are told and don`t follow their gut when it says bail out until it`s too late .
And yet our “important” people are only concerned about smartphones. Getting a triple filtered flip phone will solve all woes. Oh, I get it.
A young man I know was recently engaged and ended up breaking it off for a myriad of reasons. He told me that several of his friends had broken engagements and a couple of early divorces. All of them said the Rebbeim are to blame too. They are there to push you into a shidduch, but they are nowhere to be found when the relationships go south. Rebbeim are not psychologists, social workers, or marriage counselors. Let the professionals handle this.
’cause the social workers marriage counselors have such an high success rate, correct?
Well, actually, the opposite is true. Bnei Yeshiva – students of rabbeim – have a much lower divorce rate than students of social workers and counselors.
I know what I am about to write will be controversial but I think it needs to be said. All this talk about the “shidduch” crisis and the ‘divorce’ crisis, i believe it has come to the point that every single boy is mandated to go to BMG or Mir, or wherever or chas vesholom, he wont find a shidduch. Girls have it knocked into their heads that they MUST marry a learning boy!!
I grew up in the “children of holocaust survivors” era. We were all much more mature than the kids coming out of schools today. Our parents could not support us for 5 years, 10 years, etc. If we wanted to get married, we got jobs so we could support our families. Todays kids are spolied rotten, everything is handed to them on a silver platter. As someone mentioned in an earlier post, these boys cant choose a tie, let alone choose a wife – or have any idea what they are looking for in a wife. The number of years she will support you is not a criteria for a successful marriage. The boys do whatever their Rebbies tell them. I made a shidduch several years ago for a one friends son and another friends daughter (BH they are happily married with several children), but what irked me is that the boy went to his rebbie for input rather than his parents. In fact, when it got serious, the rebbie had to meet her before the parents. Sorry, but this is SICK.
Lastly, when your child is dating, dont rush them. Let them get to know each other. When my youngest son met his bashert, the shadchan started nagging after a month. I told her to stop nagging and we would let her know when the time comes.
Thats my 2 cents and I’m sticking to it.
If you believe in Hashem, then it goes as follows. If a person is a tzadik or tzadekles and don’t deserve the horrible experience in their life, then its the oldest question in the book of “Tzadik V’ra lo”. However we deal with that, we can apply it here as well.
If there is a reason to believe you are not perfect and you need to work on your middos or whatever, then it’s a direct cause and effect and there’s no one to blame besides yourself.
If you don’t know what the cause is, then for you its a hester ponim, and you need to daven for Hashem to reveal the shachina with the coming of moshiach bekorov! and in the meantime, you can daven that Hashem should help guide you to navigate life in the dark.