Matzav Inbox: The Harsh Reality of the Shidduch Crisis – It’s Real

Most girls don’t have this problem the same way you referred to the boys that were suggested to you as no shaychus it could be that boys feel the same way when someone redts your daughter to them. as a boy in Shidduchim I’ve gotten many no’s and I was wondering how can so many girls afford to give a no if they’re waiting years to get a yes and I chalked it up to what all the rabbanim and shidduch experts of todays generation say that, there is no shidduch crisis the only crisis is that people can’t give a yes to someone who in their mind is not as good as them or in your words “no shaychus”. and this can ruin your reputation in Shidduchim shadchanim may see as being very picky or hard to work with and might decide not to send you ideas in the future and instead deal with people who are less demanding and easier to work with. And its true that when someone loses out on shiddduchim because of this that they’re setting their standards too high that should be considered a crisis but this can’t be called a shidduch crisis only a “each suggestion no shaychus crisis”

My heart goes out for you! Hashem should help your special daughter find someone soon!

You got 2 shidduchim and you said they are not shaych. How do you know for what purpose Hashem sent you those 2 shidduchim that you dismiss them so quickly? Maybe after doing the research on them the references you called will become interested in your daughter? Maybe the boy himself will recommend your daughter or another better suited boy for her?
Why do we not put enough trust in Hashem and only waiting for a logical solution? (It wouldnt be called betachon if it was logical)

Yeah, I hear you. We have a 26 year old daughter, who gets a resume once a year. Always something “off” with the guy. But, we kimat never say no to a shidduch. If the basics look good, it’s a go. No need to check and overcheck and ask 3 million questions. Remain shtark and be”h your daughter WILL become a Kalla and get married! We believe that for our daughter and yours as well. We’ve had these experiences before with our other children. None of their shidduchim came right away. But when it’s meant to be, IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN!!! None of them made any sense when they were first redt, but limaaseh we all saw the tremendous hadgacha pratis. Mey’Hashem yotza hadavar! HKB”H has a plan. Just keep davening.

I feel terrible.
Do we know what percentage of girls
are affected?
I know that each one is a tragedy, but I would like to better understand the scope of the problem.
I suffer together with all those in this matzav.

Stop relying on commercial shadchanim.

Friends and relatives should be suggesting, not people with 800 singles on their hands that have to get people to date 30-40 people just to clinch one deal.

I feel bad but you’re heading in the wrong direction.

All my family was married off using suggestions from relatives, friends, neighbors etc. (Yes, some were shadchanim but not the commercial BMG type. They were ones that knew our family and the other side well)

Let’s get out of the box!.
Can we mingle shiduchim with chasidim, sefardi etc. Then we can find common ground.
Please don’t wait for phone to ring, call And hire salespeople for your precious daughter just like if you had merchandise and people are not grabbing. Give incentives etc.

I’m in the same boat (x2) as are many. It is sooooo demoralizing for the girls and their families. It is so hard to understand why the issue isn’t being taken seriously.

STOP THE DAVENING-START THE TALKING

There are Mosdos asking for donations geared especially to those who are desperate to find Shidduchim for themselves or for their loved ones.

These organizations offer to have Gedolim, Rebbes, Roshei Yeshivos, Rabonim, Kabbalists, etc. travel to Mekomos Hakdoshim and Daven for a Zivug on behalf of those who send in money.

We have a situation today where for every 120 nineteen-year-old girls there are only 100 twenty-three-year-old boys to go around.

SOLVING THE SHIDDUCH CRISIS WON’T HAPPEN BY HAVING גדולים DAVEN AT קברי צדיקים

It would be pointless to Daven that all girls should get married since there are simply not enough 23-year-old boys to marry all the 19-year-old girls.

This Tefillah would be asking for the impossible and might be considered a תפילת שוא.

The number one solution to the shidduch crisis is to narrow the age gap between the boys and girls getting married.
Davening for this to happen on its own is futile;

it is incumbent on us to take the measures to make it happen. The problem is man-made and can be corrected by man בעזהי”ת. It’s up to us; we can and should change the trend of having such a wide age gap between the genders.

Perhaps, the time has come for מה תצעק אלי– ויסעו. We must make a move to correct the problem.

We need to TALK and make people aware that if nothing is done to remedy this problem, then 15%- 20% of the girls will remain Agunos for the rest of their lives.

The only way to narrow the age gap is by facilitating and encouraging the boys to start dating at a younger age. This can be accomplished if the Roshei Yeshivos are on board and implement policies such as:

1. The American Roshei Yeshivos send away their Talmidim to Eretz Yisroel at age 20, and not allow them to stick around past that age.

2. The Israeli Roshei Yeshivos should not accept Bachurim over the age of 20

3. B.M.G. Lakewood Yeshiva should abolish the “freezer” rule.

Having the Bachurim go to learn in Eretz Yisroel at an earlier age means they will return to America at an earlier age, thus starting Shidduchim earlier and thereby narrowing the age gap.

The Facts are that since our girls want a great boy and not the local water carrier who brings home the few pennies needed not to die from starvation like it was in the old shtetel – that many great boys simply do not exist.
I know a yeshivish lakewood family that 2 girls in their high 20s married chasidish shtriemel boys rather that remain single. must lakewood girls would rather die single than marry semi chasidish even if the boy learned in brisk.
My Opinion Based On Rav SHOLOM AHRON EHRENFELD’S talks on TORAHANYTIME is that at 23 years of age a yeshivish girl should seriously consider marrying a chasidish boy that learned in yeshivishe Yeshivos.

society is producing largely
older capable frum single girls
and is producing older uncapable religiously weak older single boys

I get that shiduchim isn’t going well for your daughter and I am sorry to hear that; it is really frustrating!
however, your article didn’t explain what your situation has to do with a crisis.
If your daughter came back a year and a half ago that means she is in the age bracket of about 20.5 give or take. I don’t think it is anywhere near a crisis. I married my wife when she was 21, fyi, I was the first boy she actually went out with.
it seems to me that what bothers you is that the phone isn’t ringing not that she isn’t married.

There Are over 2000 girls 25+ will they make a new type of life for themselves and change the most basic Jewish concept of life OF MARRYING AND BUILDING AM YISROEL ?????
BASED ONTHESE NUMBERS WE WILL SOON HAVE RACHM”L 10000 SINGLES
IT IS SHOCKING AND FRIGHTNING

Don’t wait for anyone to call you with a shidduch suggestion, come down off your high horse, pick up the phone and call shadchanim – every day another one.

Have faith in Hashem and do histadlus, try calling other Shadchanim, new ones, and don’t wait for them to call you.

You’re referring to people reaching out to you, and surely it is very frustrating, but I hope you are doing your part and reaching out and name dropping and suggesting and trying by yourself…

Also I understand that in the Litvishe Velt, bochurim don’t start Shidduchim until age 23 or so? Maybe that is the cause of the “crisis?”

Daven and try to call other shadchanim, don’t wait for them to call you.

Also I understand that in the Litvishe Velt, bochurim don’t start Shidduchim until age 23 or so? Maybe that is the cause of the “crisis?”

It’s a real tzara. I hear your pain and that of your family. Did you go with your daughter to meet shadchanim? Although it was at times quite difficult for me, we took our daughter to shadchanim. We went to shadchanim from other communities also, There are davening groups that aside from the actual tefilah, it is also a tremendous chizuk to be with other girls (and parents) in the same position. Tremendous nosei b’ol and ahavas yisroel.
May Hashem answer your tefilos.

G-d is saving her from going out with the wrong guys… It’s my bracha to you that she only go out with her husband, and at the right time, and that you and her have menuchas hanefesh and simcha throughout the process. And yes… it can feel hard…. I’m in shidduchim for a few years (in my lower 20s) and I can tell you that most of my friends get an average of 0-3 dates per year…. there are some exceptions who have more… but we don’t envy them… the burnout is real and there is no point in going out with the wrong guy… Enjoy the fact that while she is single she can choose to embrace her life instead of being non-top busy with the wrong boys. Hatzlacha!

*stop

The shiduch system for girls has changed. One can no longer sit at home waiting for the phone to ring. Nowadays one must take the initiative and call shadchanim to set things in motion.

“ I sit at home, waiting and hoping for a call that just doesn’t come, and I can’t help but feel the weight of despair creeping in. The phone hasn’t rung in 6 months.“

WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING AND WAITING FOR THE PHONE TO RING? WHY AREN’T YOU CONSTANTLY CALLING SHADCHONIM? WHY AREN’T YOU CONSTANTLY ASKING YOUR “FRIENDS” AND ACQUAINTANCES IF THEY HAVE A SHIDDUCH FOR YOUR DAUGHTER?

I would like to offer you a word of chizzuk, from someone who has been there and been in the thick of it. Its terribly painful, and maybe more, frightening. But, experience has shown, their children and grandchildren don’t care how often the phone rings of how many boys she dated. You only need with sy”d one call, one boy, and the rest is history. You are always 3 weeks away from and engagement. The same eibeshter that sent out her friend with numerous buy, will bs”d marry her off as well. It happened all of the time and I am a first hand witness. Not going to deny the shidduch crisis, nor the pain and fear, and not the statistics. And of course we must do our hishtadlus to alleviate all of the above But, for an individual girl and her family, keep davening, cause past experiences have no bearing on overall results. אנכי עמך בצרה

10,000 girls to 1500 boys available back from ey
How do you expect your daughter to find a shidduch?
Bring your boys home now!

Im not specificly talking about you but a few questions on the shidduch crisis first as far as im concerned most marriages are not a 19 year old girl to a 23 boy as most girls i know got married around 21-22 do your own research (btw my wife is older than me) also before we complain shidduch crises i want to see boys and girls giving equal amount of no because now the majority of no’s are given by girls also everybody says that by chassidim and yerushalmis where theres no age gap theres no problem, but then you have to compare to them all the way and you dont usually here them saying no for stupid reasons like i dont feel connection or dont want someone with a face beard or he is to quite……. Also keep in mind that just like no one gives a yes based on a guess because its a life long decision so to is giving a no a life long decision

She can meet boys casually in many venues in our neighborhoods – whether working on a shul project, Kiruv organizations, at a kiddush, even on the street or subway. If she wants to get married, she needs to do things herself.

My wife was in shidduchim four years and i was her fourth boy and everytime she tells me it was hard to only get one suggestion a year tell her thats hard but i probobly had it harder cuz i went out with a whole buntch of girls AND EVERY SINGLE NO CAME FROM THE GIRLS so i had to deal with getting dumped again and again including some that were after the fifth or six date

I agree with the first post that the most detrimental cause for the lack of shidduchim is the response that is usually given off the cuff and without real investigation – “it’s not shayach”. You have a list of 10 or more “qualities” you are looking for in the boy/girl (and even in their parents and siblings) that if you can’t check them all off, “it’s not shayach”. Get off your high horse and minimize your checklist. It should include only gezunt, middos toivos, and a person/family that is looking for the same future doiros as you are. All else is inconsequential.
Don’t accept everything negative that you may hear from “friends” and other singles. I have seen many shidduchim that were ruined by someone making “a face”, by a girlfriend that was rejected by the one being redt to you, and by cynical people. Check it out for yourself,and if it sounds perhaps 50% possible – go for it. You may be surprised.
I also agree with other posts that you should open up your horizons to include those of other minhagim and dress – like a litvishe girl listening to a chassidishe shidduch and vice versa.
Don’t worry about how the chasunah pictures will look. Look to the future of creating a Yiddishe shtub.
Hatzlocho.

Send your son to Israel 2 years earlier, and cut out the BMG freezer. Problem solved!

It’s pathetic that we are approaching this matter as a community wide issue, with all these generalizations about ages, when bochurim should go, come, start shidduchim, etc. I’m not a statistician, but we are all aware that statistics do not always give us the answers. Some of the previous comments are sad, others plainly ignorant. The issue with your daughter is an issue with her, and the solution is not to correct the society, but to approacvh shidduchim differently. I bet we can assemble groups of parents to share the criteria they set for shidduchim, and many will find the criteria of others amusing. So, perhaps we are making the issue something it is not. According to tbe belief of the writer and some of the commenters, I would be guilty for sending my son to Eretz Yisroel at 19-20 because your dcaughter has not yuet found her bashert. Frankly, that’s absurd.

The post is titled “Shidduch crisis is real” has truth, but misses the mark. For this particular bas Yisroel, it is real. And that may also be true for other bnos Yisroel. I suggest we examine the shidduch scene for values that are rampant that are mistaken, and nothing more than cultural developments that have backfired.

We have the myths about learning in Eretz Yisroel. I did, and don’t regret it for a moment. But it discontinued the continuity of the rebbeiim I had prior to that. Returning home, I added further disconnection from those I had while in E”Y. Is this mobility a positive thing? I suggest that it might not be all that it is cracked up to be.

We have the myth of kollel life. This flaunts Torah unfairly, where it becomes a haven to avoid the responsibility of fulfilling the other demands of the Torah, such as בזיעת אפך תאכל לחם, etc. Some need to remain learning, others should not delude themselves that they are saving the world by postponing their entry into careers by sitting in the kollel. Kollel should be a hallowed place of Limud Hatorah and Avodas Hashem, not a hideout from responsibility. Our bochurim are enticed into believing they are saving the world by pledging themselves to this lifestyle. Our girls are being brainwashed that the working boy is spiritually deficient and to be avoided.

The readiness for shidduchim can be easily instilled in our kids. I still don’t know how to alter the trajectory of the culture that is making things difficult. I can only protect my own children, and model for them the best home life I can. Perhaps that’s a refocus from all the hype that has adorned our media and busied our Roshei Yeshivos about what ages to come and go.

I wish you that the phone rings this month with the right one

Did you ask your daughter if she felt like those two had “no shaychus”? Maybe you said no to someone who really is compatible. Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky has been quoted as saying that 80% of people can match. So saying no for the wrong reason is the tragedy.

my zayda told me that in the heim shidduchim were simple and weddings were even simpler done on friday afternoon to save money on the meal so people at friday night. In the alter heim people were poorer and happy, now people are rich and depressed and they had much higher levels of Yiras Shomayim. we miss out on the purity of shtetl.

It’s largely a “Chinuch crisis”. The Yeshivos tend to play to what they determine as elite. As a result, many who are not “elite” are marginalized, feel marginalized. They either underachieve in learning or in life, are religiously mediocre, or go off the derech. On the girls side, there is a much higher success rate in keeping them on the straight and narrow. The result is an imbalance in the number of suitable guys for the plethora of young women.

In addition, all pathways to meet organically have been closed. And there seems to be a bit of helicopter parenting going on within the parsha.

I am 32 single and proud. I have a busy happy life. I am not a nebach!!!

I think part of the problem is dating is expensive girls have high expectations and most guys just feel inadequate to meet tho$e expectations. Life is insanely expensive and not every guy (almost jo guy these days who earns an honest living) can give the girl the flashy lifestyle.

Your daughter is still young. I got married at 27. Im much older now but when I was 23 I started getting very nervous I was never going to get married and came up with a whole system on how to change the shidduch crisis. I probably come from a more complicated background than your daughter. I Ended up marrying someone younger than me and he wasn’t even dating yet by the time I was in “panic mode”. Quantity of dates is not necessarily better. You only need 1. Ive had my heart broken multiple times. And I look back at those years and regret I didn’t spend more time enjoying my single life instead feeling depressed and sorry for myself.

What’s the crisis? Do you believe Hashem decided who each one of us will marry? there is one boy out there for you. He will walk up your stairs guaranteed. imagine you want chocolate ice cream and there are two ice cream stores down the block. One has 100 flavors and the other only has chocolate. is there a crisis that this store doesn’t have any choices? All you want is chocolate anyway. is the other store better, you only need that one flavor. The crisis is that we don’t feel we have choices. Who cares, there is only one boy destined for us anyway. Just DAVEN, yes tefilla, not closing the gap, just daven that he will come around soon.

My daughter is 30 years old and 10.5% of her high school class is still unmarried. That is a crisis! When people blame the girls who get one shidduch suggestion a year that’s called blaming the victim.

This in my opinion is the problem.
Going through 12 years of school, seminary and college is followed by the textbook rules. Get an interview. Get accepted. Get good grades. Pay tuition and go to the head of the class. All of a sudden, when the girl is “out of the system” and brains and money don’t move you forward, you call it a crisis.
How many shidduchim were made by suggestions of brothers, brother in laws, aunts, uncles, sisters, co-workers and Shul members. Why do you put all of your potluck tickets into one basket (a shadchan)? Your daughter wasn’t born when she turned 18. Hishtadlus is not only about waiting for a phone call. Going to work and earning a paycheck doesn’t automatically get you a Chosson. Doing Chessed for others, branching out to people, maybe even meeting people from a different town (!!!), sponsoring a wedding in Eretz Yisroel through Yad Eliezer, Hachnosas Kallah, Bikur Cholim. There are many ways to meet people and network. Many girls marry their first guy (!!!). They’re not looking for “the top Bochur in Brisk” like everyone else. Lower your standards just a drop, daven, network with people you see day to day and most importantly, be a mench and be nice to people you meet (in the grocery) who will remember you (and your daughter) and think of an idea. Hashem is Kol Yachol. We just limit ourselves as human beings.

There is a story, if I remember correctly, about Rabbi Pesach Krohn. He had a daughter in shidduchim. There was another girl they knew who didn’t have anyone looking out for her so they made phone calls for her. One day, while doing research on a certain Bochur, he realized that it actually might be a good idea for his own daughter. She is BH married to him today. Maybe people should help others find shidduchim as well and Hashem will pay them back. When it becomes a contest or a competition, there is always losers. When we are all in the same boat looking out for others, there are only winners.

This in my opinion is the problem. We live in an entitled generation.
Go through 12 years of school, seminary and college. Get good grades, pay tuition, get a good job and you’re ensured a life of success! All of a sudden, when the girl is “out of the system” and brains and money don’t move you forward, you call it a crisis.
How many shidduchim were made by suggestions of brothers, brother in laws, aunts, uncles, sisters, co-workers and Shul members. Why do you put all of your potluck tickets into one basket (a shadchan)? Your daughter wasn’t born when she turned 18. Hishtadlus is not only about waiting for a phone call. Going to work and earning a paycheck doesn’t automatically get you a Chosson. Doing Chessed for others, branching out to people, maybe even meeting people from a different town (!!!), sponsoring a wedding in Eretz Yisroel through Yad Eliezer, Hachnosas Kallah, Bikur Cholim. There are many ways to meet people and network. Many girls marry their first guy (!!!). They’re not looking for “the top Bochur in Brisk” like everyone else. Lower your standards just a drop, daven, network with people you see day to day and most importantly, be a mench and be nice to people you meet (in the grocery) who will remember you (and your daughter) and think of an idea. Hashem is Kol Yachol. We just limit ourselves as human beings.

I don’t get it.

Wasn’t there a big news report right here on this very website and others sites as well that Yeshivas agreed to cut out a year of yeshiva in exchange for the girls postponing dating till a year after seminary.

And that doing thes two things together would stem the the tide of this crisis?

So what are we whining about now ?

Long Time Shadchan

She is still young, why can’t she start working or get an education and worry about shidduchim later?