Matzav Inbox: The Parnassah Crisis Has Reached a Breaking Point

OK. So in your anonymous letter please provide some suggestions for change instead of just ranting and moving on.

I READ THE PIECE ABOUT THE “PARNASSA CRISIS” AND IT IS 100% TRUE. THE SITUATION IS NOT SUSTAINABLE.

THE WORST PART IS THAT THE PRESSURE THAT PEOPLE ARE LIVING UNDER BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF FUNDS IS PUTTING PEOPLE’S LIVES IN DANGER. HOW MUCH PRESSURE CAN A PERSON TAKE?

THERE ARE DEFINITELY THINGS THAT NEED TO CHANGE WITHOUT DELAY.

THE EXPENSES OF ALL SIMCHAS ARE A MAJOR PART OF THE PROBLEM.

THERE IS NO REASON AT ALL FOR MAKING SUCH EXPENSIVE SIMCHAS. THE CROWDS NEED TO BE MUCH MUCH SMALLER AT WEDDINGS. MUCH MUCH SMALLER. THE SIMCHA CAN BE JUST AS NICE AND MAYBE NICER WITH SMALL CROWDS.

AND SOME SIMCHAS SHOULD BE EXTEMELY LIMITED AND MAYBE NOT DONE AT ALL WITH CROWDS–SUCH AS BAR MITZVOS AND SHEVA BROCHOS.

ALL THESE THINGS COST TONS OF MONEY. AND WHY IS IT NECESSARY? THE ANSWER IS “IT IS NOT NECESSARY AT ALL!

WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE IS THAT THE HEADS OF ALL MAJOR KEHILOS WHICH INCLUDES RABUNIM AND SOME SMART SERIOUS PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT THIS VERY SERIOUS MATZAV NEED TO GET TOGETHER AND FIND REAL SOLUTIONS TO THIS MAJOR PROBLEM FACING THE ENTIRE KLAL.

OTHERWISE IT WILL JUST GO ON AND ON AND MANY PEOPLE WILL CHAS VSHULIM BUCKLE UNDER.

THE STRESS IN LIFE IS BIG ENOUGH AS IT IS AND THIS ISSUE IS LIKE A TON OF BRICKS ON TOP OF IT.

(YOU CAN PUT THIS ON YOUR WEBSITE. I SINCERELY HOPE THE RIGHT PEOPLE WILL READ IT AND THAT SOMETHING WILL ACTUALLY BE DONE. THE MATZAV IS DEFINITELY URGENT.)

A VERY CONCERNED MEMBER OF KLAL YIROEL

I couldn’t agree more. BH I make a very nice living and can afford by expenses, but I keep on being astounded by the expectations. One of my simpler friends in klei Kodesh said he was able to ONLY spend 70k on his daughter’s wedding. Of course, he’s at least somewhat expected to support. Where is someone in klei kodesh supposed to get that money?

If you speak to people-even well to do ones-they’ll tell you that in marrying off the girl, Shabbos Sheva Brachos can cost almost as much as the wedding. Not even with anything crazy fancy, but inviting 100+ people to each Shabbos seuda (which may only be their immediate family) will get you there quickly.

In order to make it in our community, you have to make a living that at least 97-98 percent of this country doesn’t make.

So what changes? Not sure.

So true. I hope there wont be cynical comments trying to dispute what you wrote. You made it clear that you are a regular person trying to survive and not simply trying to splurge with extras that you cant afford. What’s a shame is that people will read this like they do any other post, maybe nod in agreement, and then go on with their lives without advocating for some sort of change. I’m not sure exactly what would need to be done, but I am in agreement that it has reached a breaking point. I believe it needs to start with the price wholesalers are charging for kosher groceries (and some supermarkets as well).

I’ve posted this before on LinkedIn. There was an article in Mishpacha called Opening the Books where the author does an amazing job detailing the financial straits of our Yeshivos and Bais Yaakovs. Go read it if you have some time, it’s really eye opening.

What I commented there was, essentially, that housing costs (rents/mortgages) have been pushed to the max by the phenomenon called Flipping. Buy a property, “fix” it up, sell/rent it for more, then rinse and repeat. So instead of housing being 20-40% of take home pay, its more like 50-70%. And this is across the board. You have to pay more rent, the rebbi has to pay more rent, the mosdos have to pay more rent, as do the supermarkets. Essentially, the cost of EVERYTHING goes up when Real Estate prices go up. Maybe you’ll say that salaries/wages go up accordingly, but its not true in most cases. Wages rise in a linear way, while RE expenses cause compounded cost increases. Example is: if your rent, groceries, tuition, travel, and utilities all went up 15%, you would need a 40-50% raise in wages just to break even.

If we can find a solution to the housing costs then everything else will ease up.

Nobody is brushing this under the carpet.
We’re suffering quietly because there’s not much else to do besides daven to our Father.
No panel, no forum, and no organization can help. (I’ve been unemployed for 4 months) .

There are so many sides to this that a single post cannot address all the relevant factors here. It would take a large book. But let’s consider a few. Bidenflation is catastrophic. Even with a new president who cares about this country, prices will hopefully stop rising. But prices won’t get lower. Our tuitions will not decrease no matter what happens in Washington or Albany. The groceries will not charge less for their merchandise. Until our incomes increase, nothing will cause a dent.

The message that some are forced to choose between food on the table and paying tuition is resonant. It is tragically true for so many. I do not anticipate discounts on schar limud related to hardship. Scholarships are minimal, and the parents who do not pay according to the yeshivos schedules will need to keep their kids home, eliminating the job for at least one of the parents. This exacerbates the problem.

Our lifestyle has rendered luxuries into necessities. Anyone pass up having dips on Shabbos because of funding? Our ancestors coped differently with poverty. Our weddings and other simchos, with several aborted efforts at establishing takanos, are still horribly expensive. The Yidden from Eretz Yisroel flood our shuls daily collecting for hachnosas kallah. This tricks us into believing that these situations do not exist here.

We have also shot ourselves in the foot by keeping young married men in kollel, not earning, shifting the financial responsibility to parents, some of whom cannot handle the extra burden. These young men who eventually pursue a career, enter the working world (or training) several years behind. Once again running homes with huge limits on their incomes. Oh, let the women work. Firstly, that is not the derech of Torah. Secondly, the women are expected to take on much of the responsibility of the home, have children, and then be working class. That is unrealistic.

I challenge anyone reading this to do some research. Examine the inflation that has affected our community. The actual numbers are beyond Bidenflation. The issue in this letter is real. The difficulty with solutions is that anyone who will be asked to cut their prices will shift focus to lat others do it. AT the end of the day, we’re in the same place. I apologize for my pessimism.

Ok, A Concerned Yid, we’ll let you go first. Give one or more PRACTICAL suggestions…

The terrifying fear of announcing that I can’t afford what others can especially If I did the terrible SIN of going out to work is something that our ADULTS are simple Children
It starts with with puncturing a tiny hole in A HUGE TIRE filled with air – if a parent davening in shul with 200 people can make a small bar mitzva kiddish in his house with no MINIS just simple cake NO KUGEL AND CHOLENT for $200 and no AFFAIR the night of the Bar mitzva just grandparents and uncles at home that would show some עזות דקדושה
If WE DELETE VORTS and just make a Lechaim and sent out a shul text that our children are B”H engaged
IF WE DELETE SHABBAT AUFRUF THAT BECAME A SHABBAT SHEVA BRACHOT
IF WE DELETE ENTIRE WEEK OF CATERED SHEVA BRACHOT AND ONLY DO WEDDING AND SHABBAT SHEVA BRACHOT
WE WILL BE OFF TO A NEW MATURE START

I know many askanim are concerned as well and created a fund called Flatbush communal fund. Have you approached COJO for assistance?

We all claim that we can’t embarrass our children so we borrow and play along but the reality is that although 20% are super wealthy and 20% are thousands of families nevertheless the other 80% are barely covering their expenses. We are forcing a life style and standard upon our children that equals everlasting feelings of inadequacy as breadwinners and a feeling of pressure forever. The GREATEST favor we can do for our kids is to teach our children that there are different classes super rich wealthy and middle class and poor and Hashem DECIDES what we will be and we must live a lifestyle that matches our income.

How about considering moving out of town… Like Waterbury. I have friends there who are thrilled and bought homes in the 300ks. Lots of bnei torah

I truly believe there’s a growing issue within our communities: many people feel pressured to make their simchas lavish and extravagant, often beyond their financial abilities, just to keep up with others. It’s disheartening to see families taking on unnecessary debt and stress, all for the sake of maintaining a certain standard. This trend really needs to change.

Part of the problem comes from seeing the level of kavod that wealthier individuals receive from mosdos and yeshivas. It’s understandable that when people see the honor given to generous donors, they want that same kavod for themselves and their families. I know that yeshivas and other institutions have real financial needs and rely on donations to support their rabbeim, morahs, and staff, who deserve to make a living. But at the same time, we’re also seeing a shift toward hosting events in extravagant venues—whether it’s on boats, in high-end locations like Bell Works, or other elaborate spaces, each trying to top the last.

It seems like it’s time to take a step back, focus on the simcha itself, and move away from this race to outshine one another. Dialing back would help bring the heart back to our gatherings, relieve families of this financial pressure, and allow everyone to feel a sense of belonging without needing to resort to over-the-top displays.

We can start by requesting the super rich owners of the kosher food companies, including meat, grape juice and frozen vegetables lower the prices of food. We do not have food stamps, how in the world should we be paying for the basics?

I truly empathize with your predicament, anonymous author. A recent large-scale survey conducted on the from community concluded that approximately 50% of frum families are accumulating debt just to make ends meet.

The cause is not because we earn too little—we earn slightly more than the U.S. average—but rather our lifestyles are extremely expensive. We send our children to private schools; live in extremely expensive areas; host massive simchos; and have large families.

To me, the solution is obvious. We need to position ourselves to earn lots of money. I’m encouraging my sons who are in yeshiva to attend medical school once they finish yeshiva. This is the only way.

All yeshivish families should only buy national hashgachos like o u for 5 years and watch the price of chasidish hashgocho products plummet – ALl kashrus agencies rely mainly on o u anyhow- buy whatever you can in COSTCO ETC

Here’s an edited and polished version that adds sophistication and impact:

—

“We can vent all we want, but until one of us steps up to drive real change, nothing will improve. Stop waiting for someone else to take action—*be* the change. Is it normal for high school girls to feel pressured and ask their parents to atend a traveling camp that cost $6,000? The list goes on. And on. Crazy excessive spending that has become normalized in our community, while so many struggle to make ends meet.

I would just like to point out that many of the suggestions about cutting expenses will cut into others’ parnasah.
And who knows what percentage of tzedakas and yeshivas are being supported by caterers, grocery sellers, butcher, baker, candlestick maker…

Here is a solution.
The litvishe rabbanim should make it completely assur gamur to invest in property in residential neighborhoods anywhere near where frum people want to buy. Any new neighborhood is only for homeowners! Only homewoners can live there.
Do you think it is impossible? Satmar does it. The rebbe makes takanos. You cannot buy a house near New Square as they bought the homes for their own. Chassidim are building tens of thousands of homes upstate with the goal of offering AFFORDABLE HOUSING. They can charge 50 to 100,000 dollars more and sell out. But they don’t.
The question is, can the litvish rabbanim get up and make takanos? Even if one rav made this rule and nobody listened he might inspire one yid which would be a start. If many rabbanim followed it would have a big impact.
The cost of buying a new house for a young couple today without the parents being multi millionairs makes it out of reach.
In addition, the cost of staple foods such as juice and macaroni are double for kosher brands in kosher stores than national brands in non kosher stores. Why?
Der Eibishter zul shomer un matzil zein.

I’m 50 now and this is what I see
1. My father always told me it can’t go on… Kollel…unsustainable..that was 25 yrs ago…ha ha
There is a chassidish kollel in Flatbush paying 1000 a week , not a typo..and they can’t scrape a minyan
Aneeyim who have daughters in shiduchim are promising 1500 a month, that gets you at the bottom of the pile
“LEARNING CAMPS are 4 g plus for a 9th grader , sem is 25000 plus, yet everyone will tell u let me just get t he shiduch , accepted to camp sem..so obviously the money is the least of the issue , as a godol recently said , the easy problems facing klal Yisrael are the ones money can solve
Ps I know of no kehilla that isn’t building shener Un besser

Start shopping for food at Walmart.com, it’s 65-75% cheaper the the heimesh supermarkets. some food items are 500% cheaper for example hotdog and hamburger buns are $1.10 at Walmart and $5.99 for the same at a heimish supermarket…. and it lasts longer.

In my opinion It is good chinuch to explain to kids that there will always be more needs and desires than money available to pay for them. They should get used to the fact that life is about making priorities and CHOICES barely anyone can purchase everything that crosses their mind. And kids need to know that in advance so they don’t get surprised when they become adults.
We live in an envirionment of high expectations. Only leadership can make a big change. The individual can change themself but will need to face the pressure of the environment around them.
What about sleep away camp!!
Isn’t it like a $1000 per week per kid? What do the kids learn from the experience to help them in life?
Not much in my opinion.

There is a term i made up but is quite true which is called frumflation. Many stores in many jewish communities get away with charging a heavy premium alot more than the actual cost of inflation. This is a tremendous issue because as long as the consumer is willing to pay it will continue. So THE SOLUTION IS CLEAR to boycott expensive stores….its that simple…instead of shopping at evergreen start shopping at KRM/NPGS…id argue that you should start shopping by the goyishe discount grocery stores like aldi food market or similar. You dont have to worry about supporting the yid he’s making more than enough.

Move to one of the very fine communities across the USA where the Rat Race doesnt exist .

There is one real solution to this unsustainable economic situation. It requires determination that few are ready to subscribe to. The young generation is paying and mortgaging their entire life for oilem hazeh convenience. Life entails working for a living and and simultaneously raising a family and be a mentch. There are places to go to where homes are in the $300k range, kosher food is available, good jobs and business opportunities, excellent medical facilities. People need to group together and go, scholarships are available and things happen. An investment that pays off and before one has older children and before one signs their life to never ending payments explore the possibilities. The conveniences and endless comfort perks in local NY and NJ are not within sustainable reach for 85% percent of our community. Those making money off of the constituents don’t care about 50% of our GenZ population. Start caring for yourself.

There is one real solution to this unsustainable economic situation. It requires determination that few are ready to subscribe to. It is called moving out of town. It require a combination of philanthropy and grassroots efforts. Not easy but a serious need and when people will be desperate enough it will happen.

It takes BMG to get some funding(10% of what adirei torah is sending)and open in a place like Marietta, Ohio. Cheap housing, school vouchers and the children of yungerleit will easily subsidize and populate the school.
Cleveland does not have the housing to expand exponentially without raising costs, and schools don’t have room at all.
Other OOT are not solutions at all as if tution is 14k per kid, and you have 5 kids in school, that is 85K including camp costs, which will still trigger the shalom bayis issues and stress related problems.
We read the old time stories of the poor people in the shtetl and wonder why no one helped them. Reading the comments(its the simchas, the location)shows things have not changed at all as people are ready to place all the blame when numbers dont add up.

The problem can be resolved by the Rebbes and Rabbonim, should they want to. If they would make strict takanos and enforce them by not attending or walking out of Simchas that don’t comply, things would change quickly. But the problem is that they are scared of the gevirim plus they themselves would break the rules.
The Gerer Rebbe, the Lev Simcha z”l, made strict takanos and enforced them. It worked. Even the gevirim went along.
Bobov made takanos now and got rid of many of the wasteful expenses. Kol Hakovod. This is the only way that can work. People will be happy if they are forced into takanos. They wouldn’t have to keep up with the Joneses.
But the Oilam has to demand takanos

Would love that the author post exactly how much he makes and exactly what he spends on …….

The several comments here regarding this grave problem of way, way, way overindulgence & overspending at our Simchos is well realized also by our non-Torah-oriented Jewish brethren. About 18 years ago in 2006, a pretty good motion picture was produced about this issue. Its fictional story was of a “typical” non-religious Jewish family in Los Angeles, California, who was planning for their son’s Bar Mitzva a way-over-the-top-super-super-super-massive-public-bash. However, THE BOY HIMSELF realized the utter total futility of it, and got his parents to scrap that and, instead, do something quite small but much more meaningful.

(I will not say the name of this move for, even though it gives an excellent message and its producers evidently had sincerely good intentions, I cannot recommend viewing it for it contains scenes that are below the line of Kosher.)

move out of town – midwest is more affordable than brooklyn

(Continuation of previous remark)

Long before that movie was made, several decades earlier in the 1960’s, a famous awesome joke was being said about the problem. B’Ezras Hashem, I will relate it here and will purposely greatly embellish it to even more heavily stress its message. For I hope that, Im Yirtza Hashem, people seeing it will keenly realize the utter total ridiculous futility and absolute needless waste of money of the hyper-over-extravagance of (Bar Mitzvos and all other) Simchos and will thus VERY sharply cut down on it.

(Continuation of previous remark)

THE FAMOUS JOKE:

PART I: A man, Marvin and his wife Shani, are sitting at their kitchen table; Marvin is reading the day’s newspaper, and Shani is looking at magazine ads. At one point, Shani speaks up: “Uh, Marvin, don’t you think it is time that we talk about what to do for Joey’s Bar Mitzva??” Marvin, a bit annoyed at the interruption to what he was doing but committed to properly answer his wife calmly replies: “Well, we’ll call Max Caterers, rent the temple’s social hall, hire a three piece band; but please, LET’S NOT MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT!!”

For a short while, Shani is quiet but, obviously, very much not satisfied; she thus sarcastically replies: “OK, we WON’T make a big deal out of it!! I mean NOT like your partner Sid is doing for his Chaimy’s Bar Mitzva!!” At this, Marvin is suddenly much more attentive and greatly alarmed; he thus angrily inquires: “WHAT’S HE DOING BEHIND MY BACK???” Shani, even more sarcastically replies: “Oh, nothing ‘special’!! Just the New York Hilton Ballroom and the (name of a prominent 1950’s & 60’s entertainer) Orchestra* . . . ”

(* This particular entertainment band purposely played their music with a “bubbly” style and, to emphasize this bubbly shtick, would have on their TV show opaque round bubble looking balls floating up. So) at hearing this orchestra name, Marvin, now fully engaged and barely able to hold back from laughing, interrupts his wife and mockingly exclaims: (entertainer’s name) AND HIS NOISEY BUBBELS!! WE’LL DO BETTER!! WE’LL GET A ‘BAR MITZVA PLANNING CONSULTENT'”!!

(Continuation of previous remark)

(Obviously, “Part I” itself already glaringly shows up the ridiculousness of the hyper-overspending and the hyper-trying to outdo each other. B’Ezras Hashem though, we will soon see that the joke is barely getting started!!)

PART II: Marvin and Shani are sitting in the consultant’s office; the consultant, Mr. Levine, warmly welcomes them: “So, your partner tried to pull a ‘fast one’ on you???” “Yes, it happens all the time, but don’t you worry, ’cause we will EASILY wipe him!!” “I have the perfect idea for your son’s Bar Mitzva; it is literally beautiful!!” “I just love it!!” “After the services, you & your entourage will be limousine escorted to the United Nations World Headquarters.” “At the entrance plaza, you will be personally greeted by the UN Secretary General, who will then proceed to usher you into the assembly hall where your son will then proceed to deliver his Bar Mitzva address to the UN General Assembly!!”

For a few moments it is quiet as Marvin shakes his head but then speaks up: “Mr. Levine, my wife and I most sincerely deeply appreciate your kind efforts to help us. However, this (UN thingy) is a common one!! In fact, we were just . . . ” He turns to his wife and says: “Right Shani??” And she quickly nods in agreement, as he turns back to Mr. Levine and repeats: “We were just AT THREE OF THOSE last month!!”

He forcefully continues: “Mr. Levine, we want to do something that will leave everyone absolutely stunned. For it will be something that is TOTALLY ORIGINAL!! NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE!!”

At this, Mr. Levine goes into deep, serious thought as he softly repeats the request: “Totally original, never been done before,” and Marvin rejoins: “Yes, never been done before!!” Mr. Levine continues thinking for a long, long time.
After a long while, he gets up from his desk and walks over to the floor-to-ceiling-glass-window-wall of the plush penthouse office. Looking out at the panoramic view of the Manhattan skyline, and then looking even further out, far, far, far into the distance, he thinks even more. But then he stops as he has now thought of something. He quickly returns to his seat as his desk and confidently announces to the couple:

“OK, I have the perfect idea for your son’s Bar Mitzva.” “After the services, you & your entourage will be limousine escorted to JFK International Airport.” “There, you will all board your own private jet for a chartered non-stop flight to the Congo . . . ” Rising in excitement he concludes: ” . . . FOR A BAR MITZVA SAFARI IN AFRICA!!”

(Continuation of previous remark)

PART III.

The family and their entire entourage has disembarked from the chartered busses that brought them from the Congo airport to the countryside wilderness location of the safari. They are all standing in the clearing next to the forest, patiently waiting for the program to finally start. Mr. Levine, who is now the tour guide, is running around, checking everything to be in order. He repeatedly comes back to Marvin, reporting how they have all the needed items. Marvin, growing a bit impatient, retorts to him: “You already said that!” “You already said that!” And then exclaims the super cliche: “Nu, so, let’s get the show on the road!!” Mr. Levin, looking at his watch exclaims: “Wow!! Yes, it is now almost an hour and a half past the time!! Let me see what is going on.” He goes over to the African native who will be leading the big jungle trek and speaks to him, who replies to him in the African native language. Mr. Levine returns to Marvin and (obviously a good bit embarrassed) tries to explain:

“Uh, umm, uh, it IS going to be quite a little while!!”

“THERE ARE TWO OTHER BAR MITZVA SAFARIS AHEAD OF US!!!!!!!!”

Moreinu, Maran, Rav Elazar Menachem Man Shach, ZT’L, would often tell people about his own Bar Mitzva celebration. He had already gone to learn Torah in a Yeshiva that was far away from where his parents and his family lived. When the day a bit before his 13th birthday when he was required to start wearing Tefillin arrived, that morning for Shacharis (the morning service), he put them on. After the conclusion of Shacharis, all of the Talmidim (students) present lined up to him as each one congratulated him with “MAZAL TOV!!”

This was the entire “celebration”!! His parents, Z’L, or other family members, were not able to be there. There were no speeches, no addresses, no dinners, no banquets; not even any cakes or cookies or potato chips or candies or sodas were given out. There is no mention of if, on a following day when there was K’rias HaTorah (reading the Torah), he was given any “special” Aliya to the Torah or given the honor to read that week’s Haftora.

We can certainly say that this immensely wonderful action of him having the epitome of a truly modest celebration with absolute zero of “showing off,” was one of the very many reasons why he was eventually Zoche (worthy) to be the Gadol HaDor after Rav Moshe Feinstein, ZT’L.

I tried this and am now living on the side of a street:(