
Dear [email protected],
I am 21 and single, with a broken engagement on my résumé as well. Certainly, I’d like to be married, and I, too, feel a pang of jealousy when I see married girls, especially those who are younger than me.
While I’d like to be married, I try keep in mind that marriage is not all fun and games. It’s much more than a big party and a big white dress. It’s a tremendous responsibility. There are the challenges of shalom bayis and parnassa. I’ll have the responsibility of keeping house, as well as preparing meals on a daily basis. This includes grocery shopping, cooking, and washing out those pots! And, iy”H, once a baby comes, life does not get easier. Responsibilities mount as the hours of sleep dwindle. Child rearing is not just shopping at Baby Gap or Bloomies. It’s a life in your young hands. Chinuch is intricate and extremely delicate. Am I ready for this? Is any typical frum 19- or 20-year-old?
The heightened pressure to get married that comes with each birthday is clear, and that’s what alarms me. I don’t know who started this idea that 21 or 22 is “old,” but it is utterly ridiculous.
The fact that I’m concerned to turn 22 come Purim, if I am not yet committed to a young man, appalls me. What has our society come to? Why should I feel pressure to commit myself to such extreme amounts of responsibility at such a young age?
Someone recently shared with me that the Lakewood community, thru 2025, will produce 1,166 more new girls entering shidduchim than new boys entering shidduchim. Just Lakewood-born children! 2020 and 2021 has already seen 284 more Lakewood-born girls hitting shidduchim than Lakewood-born boys. And the next 4 years will see another 882 extra Lakewood born girls hitting shidduchim.
Do I not have what to worry about. What is going to be?
Single and Worried.
{Matzav.com}
My daughter’s didn’t even start dating until they were 20 years old and they BH did great shiduchim. Simply stop redding shiduchim to any girl under 20.5 years old and poof the shiduch crisis of numbers will end today!
Sorry, but a woman is required to (try to) get married before twenty. Furthermore, some girls get pickier with age. Additionally, you don’t know what diseases result from a woman delaying the age that she has her first child (yener machla).
HKB”H should bentch you and all those in Klal Yisroel who need shidduchim, yishuos, refuos and nechamos.
Please know that there are those in Klal Yisroel who daven for you and all those in the “parsha” everyday.
The Jewish world is a bit bigger than Lakewood. Who says one must marry someone from Lakewood.
Totally agree. ANd expand your selections. A solid young man who is working, but has stellar midos could be a great choice for you. I have seen plenty of ‘learning’ boys who are sadly lacking in any kind of menchlichkeit. Having a broken
engagement means nothing today. If i boy holds it against you, then HE is the issue (or his mother), not you.
Hang in there, it happens in a flash. And, I promise, you will be just as happy if you get married at 24/25 rather than 21.
I wish you hatzlacha. Remember – to the RIGHT one, at the RIGHT time.
Don’t leave Hashem out of your calculations
Hashem runs the world strengthen yourself in Emunah and Bitachon
your bashert is out there hope you find him soon
Another fake letter put out by a bored person who wants to stir the pot.
Every “normal” boy and girl get married when they get serious about it. Those with unusual issues are the ones who struggle a bit. It has nothing to do with age-gap or parnasa potential. It has nothing to do with what seminary, if any, you went to. It has nothing to do with whether your parents are well “connected” or not. If your normal and act and behave normal, you WILL get married. You have nothing to worry about. If you want to stand out and be frummer than the Torah or are only willing to marry Mr. Perfect or only into this type or that type of family, then you’ll be guaranteed to remain an old bitter bachelorette for the rest of your miserable life. Choose wisely. Zeyt guzunt.
Definitely a fake letter, written by an agenda-driven individual.
Honestly she is right in every aspect and is not making this up. I was in a very similar situation as she is, having been engaged once before and pressured to get married young. Although I am not in that situation anymore, I can clearly say thatbIt is a very big pressure for girls to get married at a young age. Another point that was not mentioned was the fact that many well meaning people try to get people to get married to someone who is clearly not meant to be with you. I remember many people pressuring me not to break my engagement because I may end up getting engaged older. That is complete ridiculous. The pressure that i faced to marry young was insane and almost led me to get into a troubled marriage. So for anyone doubting that this is legitimate I’m here to see that it is really true and is something that many singles find extremely painful
Not true. You are leaving Hashem out of the equation entirely. Many times, a person remains single even though they are a perfectly regular person with no issues. That is the nisayon that Hashem has in mind for them. There is no big support group of older singles who are single because they didnt go to sem, they have a medical condition, they were too picky, or they have a sibling who is off the derech. Everyone gets married at the time that is right for them-some at 18, some at 28, and some at 38. Saying that “it’s your fault/problem” that you are still single is very hurtful to all those girls and boys who did everything perfectly but have not yet found their bashert because the time is not yet right.
Your comments about the fact that marriage is difficult are complete nonsense and hogwash.
1) A person, including a woman, is OBLIGATED to get married. 2) The “headaches” of marriage are simcha; you feel a sense of purpose and meaning and love. 3) The zechusim that you get in shamayim raising children is astronomical. 4) Think about the pain that you cause your parents, who raised you with their blood and tears, when you remain single.
So what should you do? A) Davin to Hashem; B) Defer to your parents. If your parents are confident that you are dating a good guy, listen to them with your eyes closed, not matter what your heart tells you. If you believe that your parents are incompetent, whenever you disagree with your parents about a particular guy, talk to a Rav/Rebbetzin whom you respect to be machriah FOR YOU. You are too young to decide who is the best person for you for the rest of your life. Leave it to your parents or Rav to decide.
The main tachlis of a woman, is to be a mashgiach over husband. That is her tafkid. To constantly badger him regarding his davening, learning, child rearing, kibud Av, flower buying, shmiras eyneyim, finishing shas with all rishonim, shuckeling in Shul like the Rav, no relaxing on the couch at the end of a day, etc etc… It’s the wive’s job to change her husband and turn him into a Rabbi Akiva Eiger. That is the only way to have true shalom bayis. And that is the only way a woman can get into Gan Eden.
If only the freezer would open 6-8 weeks early for boys who date girls 22+ a huge chunk of the problem would be solved.
you’d have close to 1000 boys per year with a strong incentive to date girls 22+ and shadchanim would be keeping these girls 22+ front and center of the shadchanims minds in order to have good ideas for these 1000 boys.
if only
if only
so instead of worrying.. speak to the powers that be
If this is such a great idea, why are you limiting yourself????Why stop here???? Instead of opening the freezer early for dating, just jave the boys not officially join a Yeshiva. That way no one can restrict them. Ah, they need a yeshiva? And the yeshiva that they chose determined that they need to be fully immersed in their learning for a couple of months before dating?
Got it.
the same Hashem who split the sea can find you a shidduch.
I know a great shidduch for you. He’s a wonderful guy in every way. He happens to be 40yrs old, living in the UK.
Let me know if you’re interested.
No ,a great shidduch for a 40 year old guy is a woman 32 or more years old .
I have a great girl.
she’s 45 years old.
LMK
@BZ, where is she? London, Israel?
Is she yeshivishe chareidi?
U vill gte mariod. I mye be confised but i know betre noww.
Yes, you can marry my pet goldfish.
Here’s the Lakewood birth data.
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1wrCo1LVkBxfXE_O9Aovvvoc9xV4_DjsK_maE6XPegsc/edit#gid=0
It is pretty obvious that girls born in 2000 turn 20 in the year 2020. and born boys in 1997 turn 23 in 2020 etc..
well, within a 20-year span, people move in and out of Lakewood! also, not everyone from Lakewood marries a fellow lakewooder, and they are all very happy. close-mindedness is the real issue here.
SHVONTZ BEN SHVONTZ !!!!
Everybody needs to assess their situation they do not have to start shidduchim early there is no exact age . The hishtadlus a person could do is to make themselves as attractive as much as they can be for a potential shidduch within their respective communities and they should daven and do mitzvot and Hashem will help them, the age issue is a bunch of nonsense for example if one wants to finish schooling or save up money based on their situation
Hashem did not mess up! He has a plan for you as well as for everyone else. #Don’t believe in Kferah!
Get married for the wrong reasons, you’ll get divorced for the right reasons.
Don’t be intimidated by these evil age-gap hoax hustlers. OMG, if you’re still single by the old age of 21, you’re finished, done. They’re only pushing their evil agenda because they were able to shake down a few gullible gevirim who fell for their “cause”. The age-gap hoax is their only parnasa. Sick wicked people.
Can you send me an email at [email protected] so we can discuss the age-gap theory?
She’s not saying she’s nervous- she sounds very grounded. She is addressing the mindset that has become the norm for frum society.