Dear Editor,
Boruch Hashem, the population of Orthodox Jewry is growing rapidly. A quick demographic look at Jewish schools shows that the first-grade class is much larger than the eighth-grade class. Many schools have only one or two eighth-grade classes, but have three or four first-grade classes. Similarly, the ninth-grade classes are larger than the twelfth-grade classes.
In the non-Chassidic community, the girls start shidduchim at around 19 and boys at 22. The annual population growth of the Orthodox Jewish community results in a simple fact: There are many more 19-year-olds than 22-year-olds. It is the equivalent of matching twelfth-graders with ninth-graders. There are not enough 22-year-old pants for the 19-year-old skirts.
So some respond, “What’s the big deal? This years’ surplus of girls will wait until next year.” Again, however, next year, the incoming group of 19-year-olds is much larger than the incoming group of 22-year-olds. The result is that close to 200 girls each year have no chance of getting married with the current dating structure – not at age 19 and not at age 35. These girls in all likelihood will – rachmana litzlan – never get married and never have a family. They are agunos in the truest sense of the word. The plight of an agunah is an absolute tragedy.
The inequity of numbers (more 19-year-old girls than 22-year-old boys) exists across the spectrum of Orthodox Jewry, from Modern Orthodox to ultra-Orthodox, with the exception of the Chassidim, who face no shidduch crisis. In fact, in the Chassidic community, the girls are at a high demand. The reason why the Chassidim have no problem is simple: Even though their population grows very rapidly, the boys start shidduchim at age 19, the same age as the girls.
This inequity of the numbers is so significant and critical that anything done to address this specific dynamic achieves progress towards easing the crisis. Attempts to address the crisis without acknowledging the underlying cause are nothing but a waste of time, energy, and resources. We could hire 100 more shadchanim, pay them full-time salaries, give all the girls a ten-million dollar dowry, and we still would not make a dent in the shidduch crisis, because the number of boys aged 22 who are dating are far outnumbered by the number of girls aged 19 who are dating.
Similarly, claims that boys want money, that there are more good girls than good boys, etc., do not address the true reason for why so many girls are left unmarried.
If those would be the true reasons for why some girls are not finding husbands, then there should still be as many single boys as girls. If all of the boys are getting married, there obviously are girls who agree to marry the “not such good boys.” Money is not the cause of the crisis, for if it is, there should be a lot of single boys holding out for money, but there aren’t.
Waiting for a Yeshuah
throw the boys in the sea – pharaoh; 1593 BCE
problem solved.
Another silly letter about the age gap that any serious actuary (who understands how to correlate differing numbers and odds and the like) will tell you is a bunch of hogwash.
When I check out a potential boy who is being redt to my daughter, I always investigate what he learns during Lecha Dodi on Friday night. If he takes out a Rambam and gets completely arayngeton in the sugya, I know he’s for my mishpacha’s standards. If he is just being Marva sedrah, he’s a loh yutzlach. A shvacheh kup. If he actually sings along with the chazzan, he’s basically an otd in the making. It’s a great aitzah and I highly recommend this strategy. It’s worked wonders for me and all my Rebbiem are impressed with my aidems. So are my neighbors and friends.
I laughed out loud. Thank you!
What a stupid kofer. The writer is angry at Hashem for the population growth of females. Numbers numbers numbers. Eyla elohecha yisroel. The numbers God has a lot of followers. Wicked evil sinners. Serving a foreign god is one of the 3 cardinal sins that one must give up their life. The numbers God is no different. Your numbers God is worthless. You are a fool. Now I know why your still single and bitter. Who would want to marry such a loser like you?
See my reply to the comment below yours. כוונתך אולי רצויים, מעשיך אינם רצויים
same old discounted “Age gap” fake news. The same Ribono Shel Olam who split the sea knows about this so called gap. People need to be realistic in shidduchim and not be looking for the next Gadol Hador and be willing to date a non metzuyan.
Same old ostriches sticking their heads in the ground, and assuming G-d doesn’t allow us to make problems for ourselves. Look at בית ראשון, בית שני, the holocaust, progroms, crusades…
The numbers are correct. Denying it does not make you ירא שמים. You must challenge your assumptions about what our L-rd wants from us, read חז”ל and see what we are doing differently today (especially in regards to marriage), where we have strayed. Then we must repent.
One major factor today is the vax. Girls don’t want boys who were vaxed and vice versa. This is the first question from boys and girls.
Ho hum. Another rationalization for discussion about a problem that many are not even sure of its existence.
What is the actual average age gap between couples? I started dating at 23. My wife started at 19. But we both got married to each other at 25. I agree that the age gap is a factor. But can we really be so sure, until we know what is the actual age gap?
If you are single and you are ready to get married, i suggest to let go and allow Hashem do it for you. I know people usually crave control. “I” want to decide who / what / when or how. However, it works best when we let go of our control and allow Hashem to take charge. Practically speaking, (1) get a mentor who isnt related to you and who you respect to help you make dating decisions (including minor things like what to wear on the date or what to discuss on the dates…etc). (2) Always remember if Hashem sent you an idea, no matter how crazy it sounds, then there is a reason for it. Maybe you wont marry that person but Hashem wants you to meet that person so you can learn something from them. If you (3) view each date as a learning experience then it makes it more fun to try and not as draining. And obviously (4) keep on davening specifically for this, including going out to a private place and just screaming at the top of your lungs what you want Hashem to help you with (when you are driving by yourself on a highway you have this opportunity). May help (5) to take on something extra you can do to deserve to have your davening answered. And (6) remember the way you act towards others is the way Hashem will act towards you so try to be extra patient with people and extra forgiving in case someone does something to you.
Write down this list, but dont just trust me, speak with others about it to make sure this list makes sense. Keep speaking to people about it and change will come from within.
Hatzlocha!
2) Always remember if Hashem sent you an idea, no matter how crazy it sounds, then there is a reason for it. …. Hashem wants you to meet that person ….
Source please.
Yay. Every time another variation of this letter is posted, another variation of this response will be posted.
A) Saying that chassidim face no shidduch crisis, because the crisis affects the boys and not the girls, is a horrifically cruel thing to say. Horrifically. Boys are humans too. If that’s how little you care about them, you shouldn’t be marrying one or raising any.
However, calling you out like this is extremely unfair to you. It would only be a cruel statement if you were actually aware of the numbers. It seems like you’re really not.
A) There are more boys than girls of the same age born every year. This is an extremely well documented fact across the spectrum. The disparity is about 5% more.
B) In order to offset this disparity, (unless there are other factors at play like a higher incidence of boys being OTD or moving out of community or being unmarriageable due to various reasons) there must be population growth. In other words, mathematically speaking, boys SHOULD and NEED TO marry girls younger than them, on average.
C) How much older than the girls the boys need to be depends on the rate of population growth (ie how many kids per family are born). In the Modern Orthodox world, where family sizes are smaller, the age gap could be smaller too. However, there are a plethora of other factors present in the Modern Orthodox world that avails them to different dating pools and has different numbers of people moving between communities and overall is a more organic and less systemic shidduch system that makes numbers much less quantifiable and overall irrelevant to this discussion.
D) In the yeshivish community that you’re discussing, population growth is generally pegged at about 3.5%. That means that the ideal age gap should be 16 months. Being as it seems to be more like 30 months on average, there should mathematically be 3% more girls than boys.
E) Being as girls clearly have more than a 3% harder time in shidduchim in the circles that you are discussing, the cause that you are pinpointing, while being mathematically inescapable of being A problem, is also mathematically inescapable as not being THE problem.
F) If I had to pinpoint what THE problem is (although it’s many factors), I’d faster point to more girls being told to look for learning guys (even when they’re clearly not ready or holding by making and personal sacrifices and personal changes to facilitate that and be an appropriate match for such boys) than there are learning guys. They are educated that working guys are an unacceptable option. If 75% of girls are looking for 65% of boys, that’ll be a much bigger issue than the 3% age gap differential.
And as every comment on this theme ends off, there doesn’t seem to be anything to do about this. However, this seems to be as important as issue for askanim to tackle as the age gap.
C’est la vie.
Hatzlacha to all looking for a life partner. May you find someone wonderful, and properly recognize and appreciate all of their attributes.
Kol hakovad.
Minor nitpick – men die more than women, so the ratio is more lopsided. Not by a lot but it matters
Written with 100% refreshing clarity! The problem is so sad, this, the situation will not change until the Roshei yeshivos decode to lower the age of the bachurimm for starting shiduchim.
Dont see it happening anytime soon.
Yes we need torah,yes we need talmidei chachamim,but if the roshei yeshivis(aside for their own daughterrs) won’t take action amd agree to lower the shidduch starting age for boys,then this insanity will continue.
Rosh yeshiva of South Fallsburg agreed to this,but again sadly he was a das yachid-how many others followed??
“with the exception of the Chassidim, who face no shidduch crisis.”
שקר, שקר גמור, false, glatt treif baloney.
There are in fact, multiple Chasidic organizations now dedicated to Hasidic shidduch crisis.
Stop repeating your shpiel like a broken record
“They are agunos in the truest sense of the word.” NOT. Do not dilute the terrible travesty of an aguna by comparing an as yet unmarried girl. An unmarried girl can marry a Ger or a Sefardi. In fact she has no mitzvah to get married. But she can. A true aguna has zero options. So be careful with the sensationalism.
As Momma used to say:
Get married for the wrong reasons and you’ll get divorced for the right reasons.
a Litvish girl can marry a chasidish boy. there are plenty older chasidish boys…
it can work if they have enough in common.
The couple meets each other halfways and unlike the usual assumption, most older chasidish boys will accommodate
the mindset of a litvish girl.
They have to get out of their own way. It’s time to let go of their “childhood” dreams and look at who’s actually available.
Too true. R Ovadia Yosef zatzal told a Bachur, you already met your Bashert but dismissed her for her large nose.
So what we gonna do about this?
What’s your proposal to fix it?
The answer to this “crisis” is so obvious!
Don’t allow the girls to start dating until they reach the age of 21.
This will go a long way to solving the “crisis”. This would also allow time for the girls to earn enough money to help with the wedding costs and prevent the fathers from going broke!
Definitely disagree. The younger they are, the less פייגעלעך אין קאפ, the less their aspirations. Once they’re 21 their dreams about their spouse are higher.
Agreed!
So who is going to enforce it?
A.B.
100% agree. It’s the easiest solution and will solve more than just the shidduch crisis.
Girls will have time to go to school and get jobs. They will be better able to earn money, which will in turn help the tuition crisis.
Also, a 19 year old getting married just wants to get married. She doesn’t know what she wants or who she is.
Those extra two years can help a girl do things for herself and learn more about the world so she will become more confident and focused. That will help the divorce crisis as she will hopefully know herself better to know what kind of man she wants, which will help the divorce crisis.
True. It is the wife’s responsibility to support her husband and children.
Why take the anonymous letter writer at his/her word for it that their is no “crisis” in the Chassidishe community. In fact, many say there is a “reverse crisis” to the Yeshivish circles, with an imbalance of young men.
I think the biggest problem facing shidduchim is the fact that we keep referring to those in shidduchim as “boys” and “girls”. We reffer to them as children, and we are trying to take care of their problems.
I wouldnt want my daughter to marry a “boy”, nor my son to marry a “girl”. Change the mindset to young men and young women and approach it from a perspective of maturity, perhaps things might be different.
Starting a proper organization of employing shaddchanim and assisting the boys and girls side with research could go a long way
First, it would be helpful to see statistics of the actual age gap between spouses. I think it varies more than people think; it’s not all a 3-4 years difference.
Regardless, even if were all 12th to 9th, I still don’t understand how the population growth could make that much of a difference between 9th graders and 12th graders.
Maybe there are larger classes in 1st grade than in 12th grade, but it’s hard to imagine that there are that many more in 9th grade than in 12th grade.
However, giving the poor girls money would very likely at least “level the playing field”.
It’s about the average. If half of the guys marry from the same year and half marry 8 years younger you’re still gonna the problem
Here’s age gap / birth data from lakewood…
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1wrCo1LVkBxfXE_O9Aovvvoc9xV4_DjsK_maE6XPegsc/edit#gid=0
I was never on planning on writting a command .I just keep my opinion to my self but i thick it time for me to write it because in trush it Not my Opinion is the גמרה opinion
The גמרא says a boy should get married by 18 if by 20 you not married their a argument in the גמרא of what punishment he gets. The גמרא Does Not say is ok.
So now their is a Heter that if you are learning then you could contuie after 20
Are we suppose to be doing a Heter .
Now you going to tell me that boys are not mature . but the גמרא didn’t ask for our opinions it our job to figure it out.
This is the first command i ever wrote
I was never planning on writting a command .
I just keep my opinion to my self but i thick it time for me to write it because in trush it Not my Opinion is the גמרה opinion
The גמרא says a boy should get married by 18 if by 20 you not married their a argument in the גמרא of what punishment he gets. The גמרא Does Not say is ok.
So now their is a Heter that if you are learning then you could con after 20
Are we suppose to be doing a Heter .
Now you going to tell me that boys are not mature . But the גמרא didn’t ask for our opinions it our job to figure it out.
And girls are expected to often begin marrying by 12, and be married by 13 going by some parts of the gemara. This is not the solution to the age gap, and is a seperate issue.
(And perkei avot tells us 5 years old to chumash etc.. maybe start with chinuch the way the Sages saw it, then marriage can work the way they saw it too.)
Our Patriarchs had no fundamental issue with polygamy. Neither did the sages of the Mishna or Talmud. Nor the Rambam to my memory.
Rabbeinu Gershom in his great wisdom saw that outlawing polygamy in Western Europe for a time – which has since passed – and we have taken a הוראת שעה (שעות) as a fundamental truth to our religion, in no small part due to our Goyish neighbors believing that polygamy is immoral.
Until modern Jews repent – embrace the ways of their forefathers and forsake that of the מינים – we are destined to punishment from the Lord in all the forms it takes. Girls not getting married is a natural consequence of not following G-d’s will.