Dear Matzav Inbox,
I’m not proud to be writing this. But I’m being honest…brutally honest. I want to love other Jews. I really do. I want to feel ahavas Yisroel in my heart. I want to be the kind of person who looks past the flaws, who sees the tzelem Elokim in everyone. But lately, I’ve come to a painful, ugly truth: I just can’t stand people.
Everything gets under my skin. Everything. The way people talk loudly on their phones in public as if the rest of us don’t exist. The way they push their strollers like battering rams down the sidewalks. The way they drive like they’re the only car on the road—double parking in narrow streets, cutting people off, honking like maniacs, or driving like slowpokes and not using blinkers. The way they talk endlessly in shul or daven too loud or lean into my seat.
It’s the woman blocking the entire aisle at the grocery store while scrolling on her phone. The guy who smacks his lips behind you on line. The people who drop tissues, wrappers, and cups on the floor and walk away. The people who chew loudly, sneeze without covering, speak in sing-song voices, or interrupt you mid-sentence to tell you their unrelated thought. The ones who dominate every conversation. The ones who ask nosy, inappropriate questions as if they’re entitled to your life story.
It’s the cliquey mothers at school pick-up. The neighbor who thinks it’s fine to park halfway blocking your driveway. The guy at the simcha who takes eight desserts and tells the waiter it’s for his “table.” The bochur who talks too loud in the bais medrash, the guy in shul who belts out a song off-key and off-beat, and then glares at you as if you’re the weird one.
You want more?
The people who take speakerphone calls in public—on the bus, in line at the store, in the waiting room—like the rest of us are just background noise to their dental insurance drama.
They tailgate you aggressively, fly past you on the road, and then get stuck at the same red light.
They stop dead in the middle of a crowded sidewalk to check a text, causing a mini pileup behind them.
They ask how much you paid for your house or your car with zero shame.
They hijack every conversation to talk about themselves, their kids, their simcha plans, their latest crisis.
They let their children run wild in shul, under the benches, banging on the mechitzah, while claiming “they just love davening.”
They respond to group chats at 2 a.m. as if their night owl tendencies are a public mitzvah.
They say “let’s get together sometime!” and never mean it.
They pretend not to see you waiting patiently in line and just slide ahead like it’s their birthright.
They sigh theatrically during davening, hum loudly through Shemonah Esrei, and shuckle like they’re being judged for best supporting actor in a tefillah.
They take the last bit of cholent at the Kiddush “for their kid” who’s nowhere to be found.
They blast music on their porch as if they’re hosting a kumzitz for all of Brooklyn, and they preface cruelty with “not to be mean, but…”
They announce “this might be lashon hara, but…” as if the warning cancels out the lashon hara that follows.
They leave shopping carts smack in the middle of parking spots, sit on your coat in shul and ask with fake surprise, “Oh, is this yours?”
They offer painful platitudes—“don’t worry, you’ll get your yeshuah soon”—with syrupy smiles when you’re drowning in real pain.
They cough without covering, sneeze into their hands and then shake yours, sniff endlessly instead of blowing their nose, and somehow act like they’re the normal ones.
And maybe they are. Maybe it’s me. But this is what it feels like every single day: a tidal wave of human behavior I just can’t stand.
I could go on and on. I do go on and on—in my head, every day. My brain is a revolving door of resentment and low-key rage. And I hate it.
Because I know this isn’t who I want to be. I know it’s not who I’m supposed to be. I want to have Ahavas Yisroel. I try to imagine what Hashem sees in every one of His children.
But that’s the thing. I try… and fail. Because I just can’t get past how grating, how selfish, how rude people can be. My default reaction to most humans is annoyance. And it’s eating away at me.
So I’m turning to you.
What do I do?
I don’t want platitudes. Don’t tell me to just “look for the good” or “everyone is fighting a battle you can’t see.” I know that. I’ve heard it. And yet, the minute someone breathes loudly next to me in a waiting room, it all flies out the window.
How do I train my brain to be calmer, kinder, more forgiving? How do I soften this edge inside me? How do I stop seeing people as irritants?
I want to be better. Really, I do.
If anyone has an eitzah—a real one—I’m listening.
Signed,
A Jew Who Wants to Love, But Is Just So Fed Up
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Great letter! Thank you! I feel the same! I hate people with a passion!
The little painter was right.
this is hilarious!!!
Speak to a / your Rav / Therapist privately. This is not a discussion to be aired in public.
This is a side effect of the Covid vaccines. You’re a tippush for being a lemechel and taking the dangerous highly toxic poisons.
Start with loving yourself. When you have love for yourself, you’ll start to tolerate others more. Having the capacity to love and hold space for yourself will eventually spill over to having the same compassion for others.
The ultimate clickbait
Let the fun begin
Moving out of town will alleviate most of these items.
Lol, I see your many points that irritate me too.
So do what I do, if you can stay home unless you absolutely must go out. Read , learn or take up a hobby , don’t answer phones unless it’s from immediate family. Order in. Go to shul but only to shul.
Sometimes peruse a blog or rwo like this one
just to see what you’re missing. Hope this helps.
You don’t love yourself – how can you love others?
One word: Therapy.
The people should go to therapy. He’s OK. He got a good unselfish upbringing.
He takes an extra portion for his son while his son is not even there—so that his son should have a healthy father.
Very well written. I also feel the same way.
I just say to myself that some people were not brought as Mentchen to know social mores. I truly feel bad for their spouses, families, children, etc.
But I realize that you can’t expect normal from the not-normal. Honestly, it doesn’t help, but at least I can get by throughout my day.
P.S. You omitted leaving Siddurim, Seforim and dirty tissues on the table in shul, assuming “Mommy” is going to come and clean up.
Two ideas.
1. Take some time regularly to think about hashgacha. Hashem runs the world, and no human can ever cause you discomfort.
2. If you see something wrong with someone else, it can only because you have some level of it in yourself. So get angry at yourself for being the cause. Or better yet, why get angry at yourself, be happy that you identified a chance for self improvement.
Note: How #2 works IMHO: We are subconsciously aware of our own flaws, but don’t want to admit them. That’s why we find comfort in seeing someone who does the same thing, but worse than us.
Our self-love becomes our own worst enemy, it finds all sorts of ways to avoid addressing our faults.
Dear Writer,
It is obvious that you are in a lot of pain. The issues you write about have nothing to do with the real issue. You are suffering and need to seek real help. Once you are happy again, finding true meaning for yourself and your life, all this other meaningless actions of others will become laughable and enjoyable. Like a mother who laughs at their kids antics. Like Hashem who loves us, including our quirks. It says love your friends like yourself. You must first love yourself. That includes your quirks and personality. Then you will have room for others
Matzav, you have no right to post lashon hara. Journalism is not an excuse. At all.
I’m so confused. Why do you have to hate someone just because they did something you decided was not nice, inappropriate.
You can not enjoy their actions or like I tell my kids all day, you have to ignore it!!
You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.
Do you hate your wife and kids too?? I’m sure they do things that annoy you and that you don’t like??
Move to a different community.
Try a less crowded, quieter, less stressful place.
Move to the country.
Try a farm.
I read the entire letter. Nowhere does it mention anything about a wife or children (complaining about the cost of shaitlach, outfits, PTA’s, Rebbeim, Morah’s, tuition costs, carpool, tips to the teachers for Chanukah, Purim, Pesach, etc…), and here is where I think your real frustration is stemming from. You are an older lonely single. Not blaming you. It happens. There are unfortunately so many older single men and women just like you who are frustrated. Since you don’t want to hear the old classic cliches of Chizuk, I’ll give you a different aitza which sometimes works for me. Try, when you can, to get out of the main center of Brooklyn. Drive to the beach by Coney Island. Not to where the amusement park is, but all the way to the end, right at the border of Seagate. It’s peaceful and quiet, very few mishugayim in that area, and very relaxing. All the City parks are great as well. Prospect Park, Marine Park, Floyd Bennett Field, etc… Try to get out of Brooklyn for Shabbosim. Spend time with family you get along with or friends. If you have neither of those and you don’t mind meeting brand new nice people, try Shabbat.com. They have hosts, literally in every State in this Country, and beyond. Once you get away from all the abuse that takes place over here, you’ll come back in a much calmer mood and better equipped to deal with everyday stresses. Hatzlacha Raba. You can do it!
Seek a psychologist who can help you address these feelings and recommend therapies.
Move out of New York
It sounds like your body and brain are constantly on edge, and that must be very hard for you. What’s going on for you that your body reacts that way? Everyone reacts negatively sometimes and gets annoyed sometimes by the bad behavior of others. But if it’s affecting you this strongly, maybe there’s a part of you that feels hurt/threatened by the bad behavior of others. You can explore that idea – either on your own, with a trusted friend/mentor/Rav or find a competent professional who can guide you. Wishing you hatzlacha in resolving this so you can truly enjoy the beauty of Klal Yisroel!
it would seem clear to me you could use therapy.
you sound like you dont understand or fagin anyone for anything.
i wonder if thats how you grew up too, was it impossible for you to make a mistake as a child?
everyone can be put off by some of these things and probably is too. the fact that all of these bother you and it seems to be so strong sounds like you are not enjoying life. if youd like a better quality of life its time to understand why you see the world the way you do, not just a self help book, a real deep dive into who you are and where you came from.
hashem should help you see and understand yourself better so you can appreciate the wonderful world he put you in.
Where do you live? Don’t answer. But point is that there are plenty of communities you’d be happy in
Hi brother.
First let me introduce myself. I’m no professional in this field, nor in the field of yiras shomayim, ahavas chaveirim etc. So please dont accept my opions as facts, they are only my view on this topic. (I MIGHT BE WRONG). So why am I opiining you may ask? Cause I see your points in my daily life! Yes I also get annoyed at the people double parking, blocking the aisle in the store, making noise so that my weakness regarding kavanah during prayers and the feeling of devotion during davening get watered down. I also feel like I want to tell everyone their problems (which like everyone we’re all great diagnosticians!).
This is only a drop in the bucket of how I can relate to all your points, there are way more that I will write.
So I’ll only talk about how I deal with this.
First of all, Like everyone, I love to be right and validated by others as being smart and correct “all the time!” This means, I don’t want to accept that I did anything wrong, but rather even when I did, I’ll fabricate justification after the fact.
Second, my way of feeling I’m worthy is very often by means of diagnosing the others shortcomings. As if this really accomplishes anything. I feel the same down after proving the other person that I’m an expert at figuring out his idiocy.
All of the above is my natural instinct. Now how I deal with it.
When I see some wrong my another yid, I try seeing if I have ever done anything that resembles his wrong, 99% of the time I’m successful, Often I find that I outdid his selfishness. Example 1 (actually happened), This person yelled at me in a degrading manner, I know all to well that I have done this in the past, I justified myself at that time, this means that if I don’t accept the other persons justification (even though I don’t know what it is), I find it extremely easy to understand and accept, knowing all to well that If justification is no excuse, it will nullify my justification, rendering me guilty. Rather than finding myself guilty, I’ll justify him as well.
Someone wronged me many years ago and I still didn’t get over it? I understand that if I wrong someone else, I wont be able to expect them to forget for many years.
Another point, when looking for others shortcomings and subconsciously telling myself I dont have that deficiency, I’m subconsciously telling myself that I’m better than him, however if you self analyze this behavior (as I often do), you will find it doesn’t build your self esteem and doesn’t make you the slightest happier. You stay the same grouch (I’m talking about myself).
It is only when you find good by others, you will start feeling, I’m better than that person, I can even show that he’s good at many things and it doesn’t degrade me in reference to him. Rather, it subconsciously confirms that you are so much bigger and better than him that you’re not vulnerable to this value you found him. You are still much bigger and better.
Like the Rebbe said, by the goyim when they want to elevate themselves, they step on someone. Unlike us Yiddin, we take a chair!
You sound ill. Very ill.
Find a good doctor and an even better prescription….
Not in the least. He sounds like a very decent person who’s working on improving his middos and improve his outlook, and is willing to share his own shortcomings in an effort to help the letter writer.
Kol hakavod, R’ Chaim.
Wow.. this is great because it sounds exactly like I think all the time.
Great job writing this!
Is your name Chuck Shumer ? Or AOC?
Learn mesilas yeshorim! You can learn it through TorahAnytime
I especially like the set by Rav Avigdor Miller
YOU are exactly the type he is describing. A self centered self righteous arrogant pos.
While I disagree strongly with the manner the poster you replied to spoke, this is NOT the way to give tochacha.
Wow
It is very commendable that you are honest with your shortcomings and are seeking guidance to rectify them!
1)I advise that you get/hire a chavruso to learn a mussar sefer with, every day. It doesn’t have to be for a long time. There are many amazing mussar seforim in hebrew and english which will help anyone work on this area.
Some suggestions: Orchos Tzaddikim, Shemiras Halashon, Ahavas Chesed, Ahavas Yisroel (Besi Halevi), Pele Yoetz, Ahavas Chessed, or any of the many books from Artscroll about middos.
2) You should find a rov or rebbe with you you can get close to, to talk about these matters.
Hatzlocha!
1. Talk to your doctor about an anxiety medication to help calm your nerves. You shouldn’t have to suffer from this level of irritability.
2. Practice mindful awareness/learn to breath more deeply to bring down your anxious irritability.
3. It’s up to you. Make the commitment to become the person you want to be. It’s hard work, and that’s the reason we are put in this world. Find a therapist or mentor to talk through this point with you. Strategies abound … Such as, consciously seeing the good in people. Become more aware of your mental filter. Becoming more flexible in how you interpret/perceive things (eg, multiple things can be true at the same time). Purposely go somewhere with the intention of finding beauty in others. These strategies might require commitment and practice.
4. Learn mussar sefarim on this topic and daven for help from above.
5. Don’t take it so hard when these irritations persist, even when you are trying to overcome the negativity. Focus on small successes. Reality will constantly be presenting challenges. remember that the work is constant and this journey lasts a lifetime.
6. Detach from the situation and not take things as personally. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy might be a short-term therapy approach that you can learn and use. Can change your life.
Signed, Tired of Feeling This Way
First, thank you for being real. Your honesty isn’t ugly it’s brave. Many feel the same but won’t say it. You did. That matters. Here’s the truth: You’re not a bad person. You’re likely overwhelmed, overstimulated, and emotionally drained. When your internal tank is empty, every little thing feels intolerable. The noise, the rudeness, the inconsideration it builds up, and it’s exhausting. You asked for practical tools. Here are a few:
1. Compassion Starts With You
Before trying to love others, show compassion to yourself. You’re tired. That’s not a weakness, it’s a signal that you need emotional replenishment.
2. Retrain the Thought Pattern
Catch yourself in the moment and reframe. This is a test for me. I don’t have to like them, I just don’t want to be ruled by resentment. This isn’t about pretending. It’s about protecting your peace.
3. One Daily Reset
Say this once a day: “People aren’t here to make me comfortable. They’re here to give me chances to grow.” Repeat it. It creates emotional distance from frustration.
4. Don’t Try to Love Everyone
Pick one person who gets under your skin. For a week:
Daven for them quietly. Think one positive thought. Maybe even offer a polite smile. It softens the edge and reminds you that you’re in control of your reactions.
Ahavas Yisroel means wanting their good. You don’t have to enjoy them to grow from them. You want to be better? You already are because you care enough to ask. That’s the beginning of everything.
In response to the letter containing a long list of unattractive behaviors sometimes seen in our fellow Jews, I’d like to offer an explanation (if not quite a defense) and a practical suggestion.
Some people are blessed with great sensitivity to the effect of their actions on others, and they need not be taught the fine points of derech eretz. But many others don’t have this sensitivity, yet are careful about certain behaviors because their parents (or in some cases peers) drilled it into them. So someone with little natural derech eretz might still say Please and Thank you and Excuse-me-for-stepping-on-your-toe if their parents had taught them to do so from an early age.
Therefore: someone who exhibits a lack of derech eretz might be no less a mensch than most people, but unfortunately was never taught proper conduct. For his lack of understanding we can pity him without blaming him. (Perhaps we could blame his parents, but they too might have been poorly raised, and how many generations might ultimately be the cause).
So much for trying to look upon others with a kindly eye. But is there anything practical to be done? I believe there is.
Since the letter writer felt the push to write, may I suggest that he (or others who share his sentiments) add to his list other unattractive behaviors sometimes seen, and then publish a pamphlet with his expanded list. To be effective the tone should be positive, not condemning or complaining, focusing on our mission of kiddush shem shomayim and being the sort of elevated people Asher b’cha Espa-er.
A small pamphlet would cost very little to produce, and could be distributed free of charge. If it will not have a huge impact it will nevertheless have a small one, and the author would have the satisfaction of knowing he did his part to be mesaken letoeles horabbim.
Yisroel Miller
The first thing is Stop trying to fight the fact you dislike people. And stop beating yourself up about it. Maybe you need a psychological evaluation and a diagnosis. If it really affects your level of functioning then you really should consider seeking help. For example my son hates people but he was diagnosed with ASD. The difference for you is that you seem to hate how they behave as opposed to just being antisocial. Aside from that, Hashem made people imperfect on purpose. For everyone there are different imperfections. Hashem created you to over react to other peoples imperfections. You have literally countless opportunities a day to work on your middos and level of ruchnious. Humble yourself in front of Hashem and Instead of feeling dread and anger perhaps try to twist it around and say Thank You Hashem for giving me this test but I really need your help to overcome it. Keep thanking keep davening and imyH you’ll see your efforts pay off.You should consider yourself lucky as many others (based on your list) go about life completely unaware of their annoyances and imperfections.
Ve’ahavta Le’reacha Kamocha only applies to people who do none of the things that irritate you.
Didn’t you know?
But rest assured, you irritate someone at least as much as these people irritate you.
Love it
To hate – is a strong word but as a mentsh – it’s abhorrent and extremely frustrating – seeing how we disregard human basics.
What about dina dimalchisa and chillul Hashem. Doesn’t seem like ANYONE is concerned about these things…
Maybe the commenters here are guilty of the same. I understand his frustration – and to those that don’t understand – I doubt hat you don’t care about the issues.
Please enlighten me!
There are many good eitzahs in these comments, so don’t let the hatred you feel for people who suggest positive steps you could take to change, stop you from taking those steps! Hatzlachah rabbah!
You are clearly very unhappy. You should try to find the root of your unhappiness maybe with professional help
Some of the things you mentioned bother me too but looking at everything with a jaundiced eye and ayin hara hurts you the most.
When Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakai sent his disciples out to find the best way to live he liked the answer he got from Elazar Ben Aroch because Ayin Hatov encompassed everything that’s good.
So train yourself to have an Ayin Hatov.
Look around the community and see all the chesed people do for each other. The visit to the sick in hospitals, the rides given to strangers, chachnossat orchim loads of tzeddakah Hatzalah Missaskim.
Maybe you should volunteer with some of these organizations. Giving to others makes you feel better.
Grin and bear it. Or take a high dosage of Xanax.
Great click bait ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
a mashal used by chazal is that of a hand that hits a the chest. would the chest cut off the hand? of course not they are part of the same body!
it is the same with us
when we feel slighted by another yid our hand might have hit me the chest but would we insult it? of course not! we are all one
askenzi sefardi chabad temani italki polish indian etc…
we are all one people. the holy jewish people
hashem bless you
any hashkafa
any chassidus
any yeshiva
any buisness
any level of observance
we are all one
yehi ratzon that the issues that annoy you in this article should be your biggest problems
It’s hard to like jerks
Truthfully I think everyone commenting here can relate to one, two or three of the issues on this list. The question now is How to deal with “my” issues? First of all I know that just like the guy you’re complaining about isn’t perfect I’m also not Mr. perfect. If you think you are at 120 you will find you have your faults. Most of the things on your list you easily be dan lkaf Zechus and move on Other things you have to learn to live with
You should seek help from those who are wiser than me and most people who would comment on Matzav
Some of these complaints I understand. Some I don’t because they are easy to work around and forget about. Some of them you can control by changing environments. Some of them may be more difficult because those types are everywhere. And if they aren’t, I’m uncertain you won’t find new complaints on whoever you meet in a different environment.
But I want to ask a different question. How do people view you? Are you known to be a very nice guy and a big mentsch that only very difficult people don’t get along with or are you the type of guy who most people avoid to the extent they can do so without making it obvious? Do you have any close friends? That is food for thought to help you overcome with the situation.
Wishing you much hatzlacha and menuchas hanefesh
In school, in science class, we learned about animal studies in which the lab animals were given sizable cages versus cages in which they were overcrowded. The behaviors in the overcrowded ones went to aggression, and much that we would be considered, for humans, inconsiderate. Earlier comments suggested moving out of town. With lighter concentration of frum people, encounters are fewer, the spacing far more favorable, and not taken for granted.
The writer is describing a generation that is entitled, a huge problem with many of the described issues plus many more matters. Out of town, people lack the assumption that everything is coming to them. It is sad that letters like this are ignored. Earlier comments called this click bait.
I feel the same way!
It’s you who have issues. It’s a problem with your attitude. You should be looking at people with an ayin tov. Don’t use such a strong term like hate. Maybe you dislike the actions of some people, their disregard for others, their inconsideration, but to hate people for that? You sound like someone I would stay far away from.
I realized after my post that either you are depressed and/or anxious, or you have a sensory issue and can’t handle too much stimulous. (My daughter actually ‘diagnosed’ that!). Learning mussar is definitely helpful for anyone but the first thing to do is to have it checked out by your regular doctor and let your dr determine if it’s something that’s affecting you and you most probably need medication. No one should be that irritated all day. It’s not going to get better on its own until you take steps to determine its cause, and then to treat it. After you are on the road to recovery, then take a mussar sefer and learn it well.
1. If it was easy, there would be no challenge in life! We all are human and have different abilities. The Yetzer Hora is real! Assuming you can’t just leave all these people behind, you will need to deal with these people.
2. You are above all these other people, whom you have mainly described with no derech eretz. View them all as nebech cases who just aren’t fortunate to have middos tovos.
3. Try to help each of them learn what middos tovos and derech eretz is, by acting kindly and show respect to others – even if you dont mean it at first, fake it until you mean it!
It’s really a fact of life living on the east coast, and you’ll never escape the norms of city life until you move to a less crowded area. Seems the more people, the more you notice everyone’s flaws. A smaller community will definitely help your ayin ra. It’s definitely lashon hara about the community, so it would help to learn Shmiras HaLashon and ask for tefillos…
I agree with you on everything. Just look the other way. That’s what I do.
You have a lot of good points but that doesn’t take away from all beautiful things Klal Yisroel does. From organizations like Bikor Cholim, Hatzalah, Chaveirim, Bonei Oilam, Chaim medical, Tomchei Shabbos etc., where people go out of their comfort zones for another yid. We as yidden can sometimes feel and act towards others like were more special webut we are in fact special. This yet doesn’t mean that we don’t all need to work on ourselves.
Loving yourself would be a great starting point, ahavas atzmoh leads to ahavas Yisroel. If all fails, go live in Kauai, I believe there are almost no yidden there and you’ll start reflecting that fellow yidden are not that bad after all, all things considered
Low tolerance, often seen as low frustration tolerance, can stem from a variety of factors, including mental health conditions, negative thought patterns, and a lack of healthy coping mechanisms. Individuals with conditions like ADHD, anxiety, or depression may experience difficulty managing frustrating situations. Additionally, beliefs that things should always be easy or that negative experiences are unfairly targeted can contribute to lower tolerance.
I feel sorry for you that you think people around you are the issue…
This is all a test. If you’re walking around and something annoys you, ask yourself: would you rather have this test, or the kind of test Avraham Avinu had? Or the one someone you know is going through right now?
Many people on the street may seem like they have it all together, but you don’t know what they’re struggling with or what’s causing them to act the way they do. Your test is how you respond to them, do you feel bad for them and try to see their good side, or do you just complain quietly online?
Every person has something good and something not so good about them. The percentage is different for everyone.
Get enough sleep. Make sure nothing is weighing on you when you’re alone. Then you’ll be able to enjoy the sunshine which, unfortunately, not everyone can.
It’s not worth hating your fellow Jew for that type of thing. Save your hate for terrorists who murder and get joy out of doing so in the most vile way, or for people who commit other aveiros chamuros and get other people to sin. When you get annoyed at people for the mentioned issues, channel any feelings of hate to truly vile people. Everyone has deficiencies and some people unfortunately have bein Adam lchaveiro deficiencies.
Move to Atlanta, Denver, or any other out of town place.
you sound like a anti semite who loves finding problems in our community if you would zone in on all the positive in our community these small petty things wouldnt even bother you
Wow. You nailed it. Thought I was the only one, and hashem sent me back as a gilgul with a shamed soul to see that I can’t function properly among others in a shuttle. MY only choice is to masvir al mimosas and live a life as a doormat, never lose my temper, or feel anger and annomosity to have a chance at any tikkun….kind of sucks