Dear Matzav Inbox,
There is a quiet, creeping issue that has taken root in our simchos and it needs to be called out plainly.
People show up. They take time off work. They battle traffic. They arrange carpools, babysitters, flights, and so on. They get dressed, (put on makeup, for the women), and come—often exhausted, often stretched thin—simply to share in another Yid’s joy and offer a heartfelt mazel tov. And far too often, what do they receive in return? A nod without eye contact. A rushed half-smile. Or worse, nothing at all.
When did basic hakaras hatov become optional?
A baal simcha who barely looks up as someone approaches, who offers a limp handshake while scanning the room for someone “more important,” sends a clear message: Your presence doesn’t really matter. And that message stings. It stings deeply.
And then there’s the kabbolas ponim circus.
How many times does one walk into a wedding hall, make their way to the designated table, and find… empty chairs? The baalei simcha are nowhere to be found. Instead of sitting and receiving people, they’re sprinting across the room looking for eidim, whispering frantically with photographers, managing crises that shouldn’t be their problem.
Sit down. Stay put. Let people wish you mazel tov. That is the entire point of a kabbolas ponim.
Is it really so unbearable to pause the logistics for a moment and be present?
This isn’t about entitlement. No one is asking for fanfare or flowery speeches. We’re talking about eye contact. A sincere smile. Two seconds of acknowledgment that says, “Thank you for coming. It means something to me.” That small human moment can carry someone for days. Its absence can sour an entire evening.
We speak endlessly about mentchlichkeit. Mentchlichkeit is how you treat the person standing in front of you.
A baal simcha who cannot be bothered to properly acknowledge the people who came to share their joy should stop and ask: What exactly is this simcha for?
Sit down. Look people in the eye. Say thank you. Mean it.
It shouldn’t be radical. It should be obvious.
B. T.
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Dear B.T.
Obviously, the guests mean nothing. They ARE apparantly a nuisance (at least in your case since you seem to be the one suffering from this). Perhaps you were only invited so as not to insult you and your presence really isnt wanted? Do you really think you are from the baal simchas 375 closest friends 🙂
Being nasty to the one teaching about Midos is not good Midos
You missed the point. If you receive a cold reception, then you probably shouldn’t have gone to the wedding in the first place. That doesn’t excuse the host for not “pretending” to appreciate that you bothered to come but the fact is that the host obviously didn’t care if you come or not and only invited you because he thought he had to.
I’m confused. Is the Baal Simcha ‘ignoring’ you because he/she doesn’t think you’re choshuv enough (genuine critique) or are they involved in running the Simcha and are unavailable at that moment? (in which case, you really aren’t as choshuv as the simcha running properly)
My thoughts were exactly the same! Why is the guest offended that the Baal Simchah is running around trying to make the simchah run smoothly. That is certainly not comparable to receiving a cold shoulder from the Baal Simchah!
Great letter. My father used to tell me “when you make a Simcha you’re given the opportunity to make so many people feel good. Don’t blow it!”
The poor Baal simcha is stacked up with so many bills and you want him to calmly greet everyone. A wedding today can be a fortune. It’s not only the wedding it’s setting up the couple with an apt. And today many people dont even leave a check for the couple. People go to five weddings in one night. Don’t blame the poor fathers of the groom and bride. They are under so much pressure.
As someone who just made a chasuna, I understand the feeling of just getting a nod, but do you even begin to understand how impossible it is to great every person. Realize you are dancing with your mechuten,shver,father, grandfather etc. you can either give them your full attention or scan the crowd for a person that just arrived and will leave in a few minutes. Hard call to make , derech Eretz dictates both ways. No one is ignoring you. The Baal simcha is human and juggling many obligations at once. You were not purposely ignored.
Your second point is outright selfish! The Baal simcha is looking for eidim which three sets are needed most people that show up at the kabbolas ponim are relatives , eidim is not something extra to be tended to by someone else they are an integral part of making the chosson be married. If the mechutanim can’t look for eidim close up shop and go home because there will be no party. You will say , why weren’t eidim designated before the night of the wedding? From my last two weddings that I made people don’t like to commit to being there early enough to be an Eid people are busy. So before you criticize baalai simcha who are trying their best to accommodate their guest rethink if perhaps you are super sensitive and/or self centered so you only focus on that you were not greeted properly and yiu miss the big picture.
Wishing yiu the zechus of making many simchas with the menuchas hanefesh and super focus not to miss any guest that even walked in for five minutes to wish you mazel tov. And be lucky enough that all your kibbudim work smoothly and no designated Eid doesn’t show up in the last minute
I am in my late 60s. I have been to countless “simchas” and have never received the treatment this letter writer is talking about. And IF it does happen sometimes, how about just understanding that a Ba’al Simcha usually has a dozen things going on all at once. If you come to a simcha, then do it because you want to do it. Show up, say mazal tov and enjoy the food.
shouldnt you be correcting people during laining or something
That was the funniest thing i’ve read here in a long time. SHKOIYACH!!
Best comment by far! lol
With what is going on around us, anti semitism, massacre across the world, and you are trying to find fault on jews now ? And make a big deal about it? If you are not that close to the baal simcha then you get a hello based on your relationship with him/her. What is bugging you, what is your problem? Enjoy chanukah and thank hashem for all the chesed we have and stop complaining and finding fault in others. THis is not the time and place to belittle everyone.
Getting an invitation to a chassuna means nothing. Hundreds of invitations are sent out regardless of how well you know the person. Hey, you never know. You may get a nice check back in the mail. Now, if someone is invited to a sheva brachos, that is something. That shows that the baal simcha, who just so happens to be your neighbor for over 40 years, really does recognize you as a friend and human being. At least a spoken invitation to stop in for shalosh seudos. Eppes something. But to be completely ignored for all of the sheva brachos is UNACCEPTABLE.
Thanks for this important letter.
Perhaps people should stop knocking themselves out going to simchos far away, at great expense, if they are not really close to the people involved. It is time (long overdue actually) to be realistic and stop fooling ourselves. We need to stop pretending that we are close to loads of people, and focus on deep, genuine connections, which almost by definition are a lot more limited in number.
This is also related to the size of simchos. If simchos wouldn’t be so large, people that are not so close would not be invited nor feel the need to knock themselves out to attend.
How were simchos done in “the alte heim”? We need to go back in that direction.
As a guest, I try to wish the ba’alei simcha a mazel tov so they know I was there, but beyond that my primary aim is to be misame’ach chosson v’kalah – that’s why we’re there. The parents have plenty they’re busy with without having to worry about whether every guest feels properly appreciated. I say this as both an experienced guest and BH a ba’al simcha.
Excellent letter I have been treated similarly by people making vorts as well where I made the effort to come and they gave me a half hearted look- or at times I am talking for 3 seconds to the Baal simcha and then someone more “important “ comes by so they left me and forgot I was still there.
Can’t you read the writing in the wall? You’re not invited. You’re only coming to curry favor with me so you can shake me down for a few dollars. We don’t need leaches like you.