More Questions and Answers in Response to Sending Girls to Seminaries

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(10th in a series)

By Rabbi Yitschak Rudomin MA

(For questions about my MA, see my full Masters thesis on “The Second World War and Jewish Education in America: The Fall and Rise of Orthodoxy” published in 1983 at

Following the 8th in the series about Shidduchim of Questions and Answers in Response to Sending Girls to Seminaries” and the 9th post of the Audio: Sending Girls to Israel and the Shidduch Crisis: Controversial Solution.”

Here is a selection of a number of important typical exchanges that I have had via email with various concerned people about this subject. All names and contact information have been removed to protect privacy.

Question: “Rabbi Rudomin: Why don’t you have a Singles event instead of just talking about the issue? Even if you got 1 shiduch out of it – wouldn’t it be worth all this talk? Lo Hadibbur Ikar Elah Hamaaseh. I personally am hosting singles this Shabbos.”

Answer: Hi and thanks for your Email. I used to host many such events in the 1980s and 1990s, and hundreds attended over the years and we had a few people get married over that time as well, B”H. It was geared more to the BT type crowds but all sorts came to the guest lectures and social events I organized. I used to have backing, but in the last 15 years I have been on my own with limited resources. But I still do very much support the concept. In the very Frum Charedi Yeshiva circles they do not have such events at all, so my “talking” and “writing” about it is actually the best we can to in terms of both “advocacy” and “lema’aseh” so to speak. By the way, some people took great offense at my last article because they decided I was being “offensive”! Personally I ask myself why they are incapable of having a rational discussion? In the meantime be Matzliach and be well and have a wonderful Shabbos. Please keep on giving me feedback as it helps me think! Best wishes, Yitschak Rudomin.

Question: “Rabbi Rudomin, I enjoyed your articles, though I wish the obstacles we create would not be there. I have a story to relate to you which happened just yesterday. My wife is called by a friend. She was contacted in the context of being a ‘family reference’…After being convinced, this woman turned down the possible shidduch because the child was “too smart”…Oy!…You’re right, Houston, we have a problem! Does it get better? Thank you for listening.”

Answer: Hi, yes it get’s better if you only keep plugging away, keep an upbeat attitude, and treat the whole saga as a life and death struggle to find the right spouse for your child and not to drag out the process. It’s like a form of childbirth, it may less than 9 months or more, but it’s very painful and at the end of it all, we yell out Mazel Tov, it’s a “boy” or “girl”! So hang in there and let your wife be the one to do all the up-front negotiations they are much better at it than men and they pick up many more nuances that men miss. I guess again, it’s like childbirth and it’s a woman’s job to be the “mid-wife” because doctors (meaning men like us) just like to “slash and burn” and we are too rough for all the Krumma Cheshboinas that go into calculating and setting up Shidduchim. Be well, be Matzliach and have only Brocha and Simchas in your life and the lives of all your family members. Have a Freilichen Purim! Yitschak Rudomin

Question: “I never do this. But your article upset me so much I feel obligated to tell you you might be committing a very big sin if one person is not מקים המצוה תהיה בארץ ישראל
Because of you.”

Answer: Hi and thanks for your Email. Not sure what you are saying, because the Bais Yaakov movement to educate Jewish girls is not part of the Zionist movement, they are not the same the thing. If people want to make Aliya, I am for it 1,000%!!! But I am opposed to sending our vulnerable and naive and hormonal teenage daughters alone to Israel or anywhere to study for long periods of time as long as they are not married.

We can and must and do have post-high school seminaries for Frum Orthodox girls right here in the good ol’ USA where they can learn and get all the credits and even do extra courses and live at home and be under the supervision of their PARENTS who can then also help them with selecting dates and Shidduchim. When the girls get married they can make Aliya with their husbands right away, I am all for that 1,000%, and that is what I told my own daughters as well. So you are definitely misunderstanding me. I will be happy to correspond with you in more detail, please feel free to be in touch with me. Be well and all the best and have a wonderful Shabbos! Sincerely, Rabbi Yitschak Rudomin.

Question: “Are you going to tell me more than 50% of people that go to Israel for whatever or whenever don’t grow from it.  Then maybe you can say that.”

Answer: Hi, I am all for JEWS making aliya and visiting Israel. I am also for Jewish Education. I am all for Jewish Education for Jewish girls. Going to Israel, does NOT “equal”” Jewish Education for girls. In the Torah world many post-high school girls go to seminary in Israel. It is not “required” in Torah Education to send girls or anyone to Israel because Torah Education takes place in Torah Schools, known in the Torah World as Yeshivot (for Jewish boys) and Beit Yaakovs (for Jewish girls). It is NOT “the job” of Yeshivot and Beit Yaakovs to send ANYONE to Israel, they are not working for the department of Aliya for the Jewish Agency. Yeshivot and Beit Yaakovs are there to teach the Torah of HaShem to the Jewish People. Marriage is a requirement for EVERY Jew, male and female. The age for marriage to start is 18 years in Jewish Law, as the Shulchan Aruch rules. The Shulchan Aruch also rules that one may delay marriage to study Torah, but preferably not longer than 20 and for special scholars maybe a few years longer. Jews who observe the Torah and Halacha and want to keep the Mitzvot should TRY to start to get married starting by 18 according to the Halacha. It may take more time, but marriage is a top priority and must not be neglected because it is a very serious objective and it may take a few years to find one’s true Zivvug (spouse) so the sooner one starts the sooner one will reach the critical objective of standing under the Chupa with your wife/husband.

Marriage has to do with every human being’s development and one must focus on getting that job done (of getting married) and then one can think of moving to Israel if one lives outside of Israel, inside Israel there is no excuse and a Torah Jew must try to start to get married by 18 since they are already in the Holy Land and must do the Mitzvot. For ANY Torah-observant young Jew getting married is MORE important than going to the Israel army, there are plenty of secular Israelis, both Jews and non-Jews (e.g. many Russian Olim are NOT Halachic Jews), who do not want to get married young who can and do serve in the IDF. If a young person wants to make Aliya at a young age, God Bless them, that is a great, let them take their mothers and fathers and siblings and entire families and you too and move to Eretz Yisrael, it is a great Mitzva. But if one is not going to make Aliya, then a year in Israel for most post-high school girls is just a very nice trip that has nothing to do with what they are planning, and hopefully they should be planning to get married ASAP. If not, and if they are not focused on getting married ASAP then they have joined the ranks of the many singles and are part of the so-called “Shidduch Crisis”! I could go on, but please tell me if you are following me so far, and if we are on the same page and speaking the same language, otherwise we will just go around in circles talking past each other and that is a pure waste of time, unless you want to learn something from me as I am an outreach Kiruv rabbi and teacher of Jews who are ignorant about Judaism. Shalom and be well! Yitschak Rudomin.

Question: “I’m not sure if you or your wife can help. I’ve got a son…he’s looking for a girl…Any chance you have a good idea please email me back? One never knows who’s the Shaliach.

A gut voch.”

Answer: Hi, hope all goes well. As you requested I was in touch with the young lady and I asked for her Shidduch Resume and photo yesterday and she sent it to me today and hopefully it will meet with your approval…So here goes, and BeHatzlacha Rabba, she is an exceptional and wonderful great girl and very dynamic and on the ball, if I had a son I would set him up with her myself! I cannot give a better recommendation than that. Zeit Gezunt un Zeit Gebentched! Sincerely, Yitschak Rudomin.

Rabbi Yitschak Rudomin lives in Flatbush and is the Director of the Jewish Professionals Institute and his wife Zahava, although they are not Shadchanim, have counseled many in the area of Shidduchim and dating. He can be reached at or 718 382 5610 and 718 382 8058.



  1. Its okey eveeyone you can send your kid to Israel to party and convince yourselfs she is one of the good ones and won’t be packing up ben yehudah on a saturday night! A win win ignore reality

    • the truth hurts. what about free speech? its only for lefties, frum haters? you have a choice of not reading rabbi rudomins columns. we are not sick of him, and will continue to read his pieces.

  2. Matzah, I finally got it! This entire line of “articles” is meant to be facetious! It’s all tongue in cheek! I’ll admit you had me going for a while. But now I realize that no one actually thinks this extreme and if they do, they’d be too embarrassed to write about it and sign their name. And even if they lacked the midah of ‘busha’ that’s inherent in every Jew, after being called out by the overwhelming majority of Jews worldwide, they’d shrink back into the scenery and try to pretend like nothing happened. But not here! We are presented with weekly installments of what can only be referred to as drivel. But now I figured out that this is an attempt at humor and to help the olam see how ridiculous the shidduch scene has become. But honestly Matzav, at this point enough is enough. Purim has past and we are moving on to pesach. There is a risk that these articles are offending those still looking for a shidduch. It’s not worth it. There is nothing to be gained by continuing these posts that is worth hurting the feelings of even one suffering bas yisroel.

    • so a doctor should never give a needle, operation because he will ‘hurt’ a yisroel? Well, the same here , the truth hurts! As pointed out thru out these articles, by chassidim who do al pi shulchen urech shiddich, the crisis don’t exsist. Think before you post

    • Hi Poshiter, and if only what you said was true, then we could all have a good laugh, to say there isn’t even a Shidduch Crisis, everyone is really happily married by now, the Third Bais HaMikdosh has already been rebuilt and the Fum publications are now faking it that we still have to be in the Golus so they can sell us their ads, and all is well in dreamland. Looks like you must have gone to a good Seminary in Israel where they got you used to being out-of-reality!

      Sorry, but right now, too many Jewish hearts are aching, tens of thousands of Frum singles are rotting their lives away not knowing how to fix their Matzav and clueless as to where they went wrong, and every last Frum publication is publishing reams of comments and pages about the Shidduch-Singles Crisis, that is is now the main average trend in the secular Jewish world, where most of them marry Goyim, and if we don’t watch out and take the situation in hand we will see what is already starting, a much bigger Off The Derech problem as people give up.

      Let me tell what I saw as a long-time Kiruv worker. Years ago I had programs for secular Jewish men and women in Manhattan who would come for lunch time lectures and evening guest lectures at the Kiruv centers I ran for years. I met many single Jewish men and women who were not Frum but they were very decent hard-working ethical people and very proud Jews. Outwardly they looked and spoke like the many Frum professionals who work in Manhattan today and many are single. What I started to hear from many of the women was that they given up on ever finding a good Jewish husband because they were now in their 30s and 40s, and they could never see themselves marrying a gentile man, but they really wanted to have a child.
      From the men I would hear that they gave up on finding nice Jewish wives, and because they could no longer be lonely they finally married a non-Jewish co-worker who was their friend already for a long time. Again, and again, I would hear from these men that “if they could do it over again” or “if they had a first choice” they would only marry a nice Jewish girl if only they could find one who wanted to marry them but at some point as they went into their 30s and 4os they got so lonely of being single that they just gave up and decided to marry anyone who wanted to marry them and cared for them like a co-worker or a person they had gotten to know somehow in a social setting outside of work.

      Now, I ask you, do think that this will not happen to many of the Frum singles as they hit their 30s and 40s, and are you going to say that they will never do what the prior generations of lonely good Jews will do? Do you think that everyone’s Yiddishkeit can remain so strong forever if they do not have the proper Eizer Kenegdo from the time when they are young? Even now, even with marrying young and finding a Frum spouse, all the time I hear of real-life stories about the marriages of Frum couples breaking up because one or other of the spouses “met” some non-Frum and even non-Jewish person and broke up their marriages. Nebech on the children and on the Mosdos that then have deal with these Tzores, Lo Aleinu, but they are happening now all the time!

      We are all living in very dangerous times when our children, our lives, families and marriages are under constant assault from outside influences that we cannot block out or control. That is why it is very important that we prepare for life in a very real way as early as possible and avoid fooling ourselves with dreams that do not match the realities of the world we live in.

      If only you were right, and we could laugh and make a Lechaim, yes it is great to have Purim when for 24 hours we can forget our troubles, but Yetzias Mitzrayim is an Avoda and not a joke, and we need to all realize that we have our work cut out for us to succeed in life and get married, marry off our children, and that work on staying happily married, all are big jobs that going to seminaries in Israel does not “solve” and may in fact be part of why so many of our girls are out of reality and not getting married early enough to give them a real viable fighting chance at getting and staying married.

      Best wishes,

      Yitschak Rudomin.

      • If only these “articles” could accomplish those lofty goals… But if only you’d step back for a minute and see what most people are saying in response to these posts. Barely anybody is considering the base point about which you write because they are so aghast at the tone in which they are written. You’ve lost your target audience. All doesn’t have to be over – you do have the option of the high road. You can apologize for your offensive choice of language. Because until you do, no one is considering any point that you make. You’ve said repeatedly how you’ve worked in kiruv for decades so you should certainly know that only a message that is delivered in a respectful and considerate manner is received. If these posts were indeed meant to be serious, then own up to the offenses – even if they were intentional — in order to move on. The next installment to your series of posts should be “my apology to klal yisroel”

        • the rabbi has nothing to apologize for. if the girls , boys etc don’t agree with him, let them do their thing further and finished. you talk like a dr who gave the right medicine for his patient and also insulted the the patient will not take the medicine that will heal him because he was insulted, and stay sick. by the way, the rabbi didn’t insult anybody personnely, its only that the truth hurts

  3. As someone who went to Israel for seminary, I can tell u that if u go to a fairly frum seminary prob 98% gain… And there is nothing in the world like it…

    • And why couldn’t you have gone to seminary in America? Am i missing something? Supporting artificial overnight institutions that could have very well have been built in the good ole US of A. And suported the american jewish community!

    • And why couldn’t you have gone to seminary in America? Am i missing something? Supporting artificial overnight institutions that could have very well have been built in the good ole US of A. And suported the american jewish community!

  4. As someone who went to Israel for seminary, I can tell u that if u go to a fairly frum seminary prob 98% gain… And there is nothing in the world like it… So I feel bad for rabbi r’s daughters that their father can’t see that. Don’t go to a seminary that’s known for its partying!

  5. For some reason my comment to your 8th article didn’t get posted. I’ll try again here. In the comment section you wrote:
    “By the way, today, virtually all Frum boys and girls are supported by their parents for as long as possible, and very few actually have to go out to work right after marriage, whether they get married at 18, or 21, or 23, for example Kollelim support young couples, and there is help from the government in Israel and in the USA for those first few years as well, if need be.”
    I would like to respectfully say, this is not true. There are many people who have the ratzon to support but not the means. There is only so far our large families can extend themselves, and tuition for unmarried children and helping parents if necessary are non-negotiable. And, isn’t it likely that support beyond the standard 5 years will be expected if boys start marrying younger en masse?
    As far as help in the USA, kollelim aren’t paying what they used to. Some out of town kollelim are but there aren’t that many openings for all the young couples out there.

    • Okay so what is your point? We all agree that if a family has the Ratzon but not the Mammon they cannot be expected to support a couple in Kollel for long if at all.

      So therefore this means that HKB”H must be telling us something that just as not everyone will be a Rosh Kollel or Magid Shiur, most of us will have to go out into the world and make our own Parnossa since we need to live and support our own families because as you say not all families have the means for long term support and not everyone is cut out for the long-term Kollel ideal.

      The trouble is that our Chinuch system not just for girls but for boys also has not adjusted to the more nuanced needs of our people, but at the end of the day it us as PARENTS who must make the tough calls and decide what is good for our children.

      While it is most definitely the job of the Mechanchim and Mechanchos to teach and motivate our children to the highest ideals in Torah life, the parents cannot stop their own roles to keep on guiding their own children in the Derech that is right for each individual child.

      Just as one personality will have the right motivation, Kishrones and ambition to be either a Kollel Yunger Man or Kollel Wife, not everyone is the same and in the same family there will be children who need to be guided to become good Balebatim who will be Kovei’a Ittim and will want to raise the next generation of Bnai Torah and that means that not everyone will be in long term learning because as you point out, if there is no way to support them then it is a tough choice.

      Of course there can and must be Mesirus Nefesh! But at the same time it also says in Pirkei Avos “Im Ein Kemach, Ein Torah” and let’s not forget it also then says the converse that “Im Ein Torah, Ein Kemach”! So life is a juggling act always and it is parents who cannot afford to be fooled or fool themselves and their children and if they wish to give their children a head-start in life towards marriage then the sooner they focus on getting their kids married the better their chances to marry them off, and NOT like the terrible conventional thinking that has set in among too many supposedly Frum circles that “delaying” marriage is somehow “good” for marriage when it is the exact opposite. Zerizin Makdimin LeMitzva!!!

      Best wishes,

      Yitschak Rudomin

      • But those boys who are prepared to shoulder the yoke of parnasa earlier than many others might still be cut out for learning well. Of course these will be the men who will work from 9-5 and learn from 5-9. But are they to be faulted for wanting to get some serious post-high school learning in before shidduchim? There are actually boys out there whose parents are telling them that the type of girl they want may well come from a family without the means to support. So these boys might opt for a girl with a plan, and who’s implemented it already. Two eighteen year olds without outside support will have a very difficult time. Why create such stress?


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