A recent letter to the Monsey Mevaser periodical highlighted the ongoing tuition crisis that many frum families are facing. A parent, writing anonymously, explained their personal financial difficulties in trying to meet the demands of tuition payments while managing other essential expenses. They described their situation, detailing how they have made the decision to prioritize tuition over their mortgage and other vital needs in the hope that the merit of their children’s education would lead to success. Despite their sacrifices, the parent expressed that their family is struggling to make ends meet, living paycheck to paycheck and unable to cover the full tuition amount for their children, which exceeds $73,000.
The letter read as follows:
Q: “I wrote to you about two years ago regarding the tuition crisis in our schools and unfortunately, the situation, as it is, compels me to write again. While my personal situation and personal crisis may be mine alone, I am certain that I represent a large portion of the parents in our school system when I say that the current situation cannot sustain itself. The schools need the tuition, many parents cannot afford the tuition requested, and it seems to go downhill from there. The communication between school and parents is sadly deteriorating because of how tuitions are handled.
Here is my story: I have a beautiful family with, baruch Hashem, happy children. My wife is a mechaneches, and up until three years ago I was working in a steady job in the ‘klal‘ field. These last few years, parnassah has been a strain. We do not take vacations (even for a few hours), we do not send our children to sleep-away camp, and yes, we do go to a bungalow. We are a family of nine, ka”h, in a small three-bedroom home and all of the simchos we have made have been simple. We barely live paycheck to paycheck and we are not making it. The rest of the story is typical – food, clothing, utilities, health and other insurances, auto, Yamim Tovim, school trips, and programs etc. etc. all add on to the total we need to live. Currently, we have one son in beis medrash, two girls in high school (different schools), one son in mesivta and the rest in the same cheder. If we were able to pay full tuition with all of the creative add-ons by the schools, our tuition bill for the current school year would be well over $73,000. (Some of our children would do much better with tutoring, but we certainly cannot afford that.) What should we do? What should all of the many parents in the same situation do? What should parents do when they really cannot afford tuition?”
The parent’s letter concluded with the following: “Thank you, A frustrated, hurt and scared parent.”
In response, Rav Yaakov Bender, rosh yeshiva of Yeshiva Darchei Torah in Far Rockaway, offered a compassionate and thoughtful reply. The reply of Rav Bender was taken from his book, Chinuch With Chesed. He responded:
A: “Unfortunately, this is as insoluble as the Israeli-Arab conflict is intractable. The pay scales of people in klal work have not kept pace with the needs of the institutions. I empathize with you greatly and feel your pain. There are no easy solutions but perhaps great minds can come together to finally shed some light on the entire situation.
“But as for you, a couple who truly want to do what is correct: You have your priorities well aligned. You are both klal people who want to serve Hashem to the best of your abilities. You truly deserve a lot better. Why should a couple bringing their first child to school, at a time that should be a most happy occasion, be confronted by the stark prospect of needing to beg for a tuition break? It is not fair and wise; good people must sit down and find a solution to this terrible conundrum.
“I do not propose to know all the answers, but I will tell you to pay your mortgage before your tuition. Keep the roof over your heads, keep the electricity on, and keep simchah in your home. I do detect a little bit of despair and depression in your letter. Don’t ever let that happen. Life is too wonderful to spend it kvetching and complaining. Focus on the positives, on your spouse and your nine wonderful children! Yeshuas Hashem k’heref ayin…”
{Matzav.com}
This alongside the crazy levels of gashmiyus by some members of the klal, creates a situation where both extremes exist side by side and leaves people in utter confusion. There is definitely room for people to say “עד כאן” and that yes, we will make do with $impler s$imcho$, le$$ expen$ive clothing, no more de$signer wardrobes for camp$ and the like.
Many such statements have been made by great people, including Gedolei Yisroel, both in America and Eretz Yisroel. No one is minimizing the need to pay tuition, nor is anyone minimizing the needs of the yeshivos. The yeshivos are in a difficult position financially, and probably need to offer more services, hire more staff, and raise their budgets significantly. Funding this, even at the status quo is daunting. We are all in agreement.
Yet, it can be expected that any yeshiva that would be confronted by a parent waving a check, asking an administrator if they shoould pay mortgage or tuition, would predictably grab that check in a heartbeat.
These types of policies of yeshivos regarding parents have been lopsided for years, and our gedolim have addressed this. And these statements have sided with parents mostly, but have not been heeded by yeshivos.
I lack enough optimism to see this getting resolved. I would expect a parent defending themselves by quoting Rav Yaakov Bender to be told to ask him to foot the tuition bill.
I know personally of multiple families who have either decided on their own or even after having “asked a shailah” to pay “full tuition” even though this decision has forced them to forgo important medical care and to live in very tight quarters and do without some basic necessities. Each of these families receive significant help from their families. I also don’t have answers, but I don’t believe their decisions will prove to be the correct one.
to just saying… and cheaper houses in areas that have lower taxes.
NO! Pay your tuition before your mortgage. Very very soon NESARA which will wipe your mortgage debt together with student debt, taxes and other debts will be implement.
Yeah, that will wipe tuition debt as well.
It will definitely wipe student loans and hopefully tuition too. Perhaps a choshuva Askan can take it up with Trump.
Don’t pay either.
Declare bankruptcy and live 10 years without worrying.
That’s the law . Use it or be a paying fool.
What about for those of us who were never zoche to purchase a home, and we keep paying the landlord rent every month for 50 years?
You’d be surprised what NESARA / GESARA includes.
So, you have more Daas Torah then the Rosh yeshiva SHLITA.
Nobody was talking against the RY. They were just reporting news that obviously most Jews don’t know.
While I 100% agree with Rabbi Bender (not as though he needs my agreement), I would like to point out the nuance and specificity of both the question and the answer.
Don’t take this to mean you should upgrade your car or vacation before paying tuition.
Do take this to mean you should keep a roof over your head, food in the pantry, a reasonable (for your financial ability) means of transportation, and enough family time/vacation to keep your family sane.
The administrator in your child’s school has likely seen countless families in your situation and will likely push you to give what you can, and you should make a real effort to give something every month.
By the same token, the administrator has likely seen countless families plead poverty while appearing to live a higher standard of living. Those are the parents that face questions about their cars and vacations.
It’s so heartwarming to hear Rabbi Benders perspective. I respectfully disagree with all the above comments. Generally speaking, schools do work with parents to some extent when they cannot pay tuition. They do give descent breaks. However the issue starts when the parents (at least some) do spend on unnecessary things, such as going to a hotel or florida house rental etc. for yom tov. Others go to vacations they deem necessary, even in cases where necessary, they don’t look for cheap etc. Others buy a summer home for a couple of hundred thousand dollars. All the while asking the mechanchim to “donate” their time and dedication to their kids. Buying a car (even finance) rather than leasing, saves really alot of money over the years!
Like this person that boasted that he’s supporting a couple of his married kids in kollel all the while, not paying up his bills. He’s not supporting his kids, he’s stealing and using others money to support his kids!
You describe some real situations. But use some of your social time with your peers and neighbors to inquire about their experiences. The situations described by Rav Bender are not rare occurrences. In the text of the question posed, the family could not pay any tuition without defaulting on their mortgage. Show me the yeshiva administrator that would accept a menial, token amount every month that fails to balance his budget. My own experience was quite miserable, and the hakoras hatov I have for my kids’ yeshivos is quite minimal.
The writer said he had a family of nine people and the answer said enjoy your nine children. I think they actually only have six children
That would usually mean 7 children
Chinuch With Chessed by Rabbi Yaakov Bender book came out in 2013, eleven years ago. It is not something new.
Problem is that I see it from the other side also. I work for a Yeshiva, where the employees, including the Rebbeim and Moros, are almost 4 checks behind. They don’t know what to do. There are no simple answers, but even so, any rational person will say to pay the mortgage first.
Rabbi Bender is different than most Roshei Mosad. He accepts full responsibility to cover the budget and if parents can’t pay he happily raises the difference. The oilam gives a lot because they relize his dedication and passion that all types of children recieve quality education regardless of the background or status. Let’s see the other admins with the same passion dedication. The bullying and condescending tones of some admins are unacceptable. That’s why schools complain that their parents are quicker to raise money for other organization. We pay our tuition and owe u nothing is the attitude of many. I’m aware of somone with no money who raised 150k for a community org but would never do the same for their school.The admins need to change their tone and many parents that can’t pay will gladly make fundraisers bringing in more.
Hi esty. Yes we are upset. TYou might not like our tone. We did take your kid when u pleaded although we were full. We told u and others the only way we can do it is if you pay your tuiton. You asked for a discount we gave it. Do u relize we needed to fundraiser the rest? We have 3 tracks of 45 girls in the class 9-12 grade paying an average of 9k. How can we do payroll? I just take a salary of 300k a year? My wife gets only 275. The 12 principals get 100k each. Plus donr forget the 30 percent increase fund for teachers who get only 5 percent raise. YupIt’s super tight. Common sense..
Here’s a little food for thought:
Suppose Rabbi Bender, or another Rov for that matter, instead paskened one must pay their tuition before they could pay their mortgage…
Would this, or other, websites or publications give Rabbi Bender (or another posek) the prominence that this decision here above from Rabbi Bender was given?
No, they would not. They probably wouldn’t bother publishing it, and in the unlikely event they did, it would be done far less prominently.
Because they wouldn’t have liked that decision from the good Rabbi.
And if it were published, the reader comments would be far more critical and dismissive of the good Rabbi’s decision.
Because many only accept from a Rabbi what they want to hear and that they like to hear.
Anything else goes into the damn it, condemn it or the ignore it pile.
Its time to consider cutting hours of schooling for girls like in E”Y. Girls don’t need all those hours to learn meforshim they can come home and get a job and earn some money once they are teenagers. Less hours requires less tuition money. High schools cost a fortune and 3 times during the school year the girls are not even in school but studying for finals and then they are off for about 12 weeks in the summer. total in school time is six and a half months check the calendar and you will see
I don’t pay tuition or rent. My Company pays it. They also pay my car lease. this makes my 100k salary 50k. This allows me to actually get a tax return, free healthcare, etc. Now I’m living paycheck to paycheck (because before I was drowning).
As for the whole tuition crises (unpopular opinion coming) we need to go full communist. All frum schools should be managed and funded from a single central administration. The reality is that there are some schools who’s cliental are very well off, and some schools that are all kollel families. This creates a significant disparity in how well a school can function and pay their dues. If tuition were pooled and then distributed from one bloc there would be a more level and comprehensive mehalech of administering our schools. All tuition drives and fundraisers go to the central hanhala etc.
I’m not sure this is the solution, but something I’ve been thinking about for a while. Also, can’t resist sharing my opinions on Matzav, V’hamevin Yavin.