Readers’ Matzav: A Bleeding Heart

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shidduchimDear Editor,

My heart is so broken. I have been carrying a bleeding heart for over a month and cannot withstand it anymore. I do not want to tell my parents nor friends what I did, lest they make fun of me, yet I have to unburden myself, so I will tell you, on Matzav, what has been eating me up, killing me, and torturing me for the past month. Matzav has spoken to me about what I will share here, but unfortunately, to protect my privacy, I have to withhold my name from all of you.

About a month ago, my best friend living in Eretz Yisroel – for shana rishonah – called me up and said that this past Friday night, they had the most perfect suitable bochur for me sitting at their Shabbos table. He is learning in Yeshiva ______ [removed by editor] in Eretz Yisroel. She said that before I fly all the way from New York, I should talk to him over the phone, get to know him, and then, if things are okay, make the huge trip.

I agreed.

The boy called me up the following week and we hit it off real well. As a matter of fact, the phone conversation lasted a good two hours. We arranged another phone date. That one lasted for a good five hours.

I couldn’t believe how smooth the conversation flowed. We both found it very enjoyable to talk on the phone and decided that after just another three more calls, I’ll book my ticket.

The next two conversation were also wonderful. Then, during the second to last conversation we had, the boy indirectly requested a picture of me, only to get a better idea. By that time, I felt very comfortable to send him a picture of me.

The next day, I just couldn’t wait to hear from him and what he thought of me, because, after all, pictures can sometimes say a lot.

Soon enough, he called me and thanked me for sending a picture. In my head, I interpreted that to mean that he was impressed by my picture. But then he started telling me how boys tend to be very gashmiyusdik and how it is very hard to look beyond the physical.

Honestly, I started shaking. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! What?!

But I continued to listen. He went on to explain that I am a very wonderful girl, an excellent Bais Yaakov girl, etc. As he was rambling about my middos, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! After almost 16 hours of pleasant phone conversation, you are willing to say no because of my picture?

My heart was pounding. I was numb. I never, ever felt so degraded, so low, so cheap!

He ended off by saying that even though he’s not so much into my picture, he will overlook it because I have fantastic middos.

I told him that it’s okay. I wished him much luck and hung up the phone.

That night, I cried myself to sleep. Actually, for the next month, I cried myself to sleep, not because he didn’t think I was pretty enough, but rather because of how degraded I felt!

And now I turn to you, the mothers and fathers of boys. What are we teaching our kids? Who do you think you are to dare request a picture?

[Name Withheld For Privacy]

A Bleeding Heart

New York


  1. I’m so sorry you’re bleeding,
    but with all due respect there is a concept of “shelo yimtza bah davar meguneh”

    Sorry you’re hurting. Hatzlacha.

  2. Both parties here are wrong.

    A. The boy is wrong for having the chutzpa of asking for a picture.

    B. The girl is wrong for having the chutzpa of sending a picture.

  3. I agree with the writer that there is a MAJOR problem in our communities of people looking at the gashmius (too much.)

    It is disgusting to put it mildly.

    That being said, I think it was unfortunate that she even agreed to send the picture.

  4. Story is heartbreaking.

    A sweet well intentioned girl is excited about a boy who sounds right for her , and has her heart broken in the process.

    Dear friend, I wish you happiness from here on and a quick end to the rigirous dating process !

    But lets give this some thought.

    What if she would have made the trip to Israel and either the boy or girl would have declined due to the others apearance?

    The boy is incorrect in saying that boys tend to be gashmiyus and cant get past looks , because otherwise wed only see models getting married, so let him speak for himeself.

    If it is wrong for mothers of boys to request photos , should the same be true for girls?

    I am 35 and single , with a good job and I excersize stay fit and dress well and I still get declined for my lack of movie star like looks and often for my thinning hair ( when the girl admits she wants a full head of hair).

    I am often asked for a picture before the girl (ussually low to mid 30’s) will agree to grant me the honor of a date with her . More often then not, the shidduch is shot down by the girl upon reciept of my photo, before we even got a chance to talk on the phone.

    Bottom line, there is hurt and heartbreak on all sides and I wish this girl and all those seeking a shidduch an easy time of it and eternel happiness.

    Agent Emess

  5. Dear (EH soon to be)Healing Heart, I am so sad for you. I don’t understand why we pay so much attention to the physical appearance of each other,when a home is based on values,actions,and Jewish law.May Hashem soon bless you with a husband and family with fine character.

  6. He’s clearly a loser. If looks are so important to him, he should be man enough to say he needs a picture before he speaks/meets any girl.

    If he can’t see beyond a picture after hours of talking and getting to know each other, then he’s gonna be single for a long time.

    You didn’t do anything wrong…move on..he’s not worth a single tear.

  7. Is this girl upset that he requested a picture? or that he didn’t go for her look?
    Lets not be naive. readers have no clue what this girl looks like. SO maybe this boy has too much focus on the external…but maybe not…
    I agree that perhaps he should have not told her directly, and they certainly shouldnt have been discussing her picture (” I called him excitedly to see what he thoyght)…to see what he thought??? wrong and immodest! What if he was”impressed” by the picture? Then its not degrading? A conversation about her physicality? This whole situation is abnormal and unacceptable

  8. he’s a moron for being so blunt, someone ought to teach him some midos, i feel bad for his wife if he ever gets one.

    with that said, often it is necessary for girls (although not in this situation) to overlook foolish insults. too many potential good siduchim have fallen through because girls get too hung up on something a boy said. as much as it’s necessary for boys to understand girls, the reverse is also very true.

  9. I really don’t and will not believe what I’m reading here. Is this really the normal way you’re making Shiduchim?, this is abnormal and very not Yiddish. Go learn from the Chosidish yiden how it goes there, it’s much more healthier and Yiddish the way they do it. I’m not here to offend the Litvish, or American Olim, Chas Vesholem, but this is absolutely crazy.

  10. to # 11.

    we dont need to take apart the article written by this young girl and judge her, however correct you may be.

    Right now, she is heartbroken and hurting tremendously as you can clearly read.

    The chiyuv for right now is to have a heart for a jew and show some sympathy and say a kind word.

  11. Dear Bleeding Heart,
    You are 100% right. This particular yeshiva boy is a slimeball who has proven that all the Torah he has learned is worthless. Please remind yourself that he was not worthy of you. “yesh she’me’abdin olamam be’sha’ah achas” refers to him.
    Be strong, I hope you find a guy who has a yiddishe neshama and does not behave like a goy.

  12. He should have looked at a picture before or at least after the first phone call. It is really no different than a date. You can also reject a girl by her looks then… but he should have done it all before.

  13. Sorry, but I think I’m going to take the boy’s side here. Other than the fact that he put himself into a bit of an awkward situation, I don’t think he did anything wrong. It’s preposterous to say that looks don’t matter at all; they DO. This is the person that he is going to be spending the rest of his life with. How can anyone else sit there and tell him, don’t worry about looks? If he is truly turned off, and possibly disgusted by this girl, what is the point of pushing him into it? He already knew all of the girl’s fine qualities, and he made a decision that EVEN WITH ALL OF THAT, this was not something he could ignore. Better he say no because of it now, rather than after they’re engaged or even married.

    Should pictures be shown before? Probably not. But once he saw it, and obviously felt that it was not a look he was prepared to commit himself to for the next 95-100 years (and this was with a flattering picture), he made the right decision (although there probably could’ve been a nicer way to say it…)

  14. What divrei nechomo can we offer this bas yisroel? I certainly feel for her anguish in being rejected so crassly.

    The most important piece of chizuk in this difficult parsha is *no one’s worth is determined by another*! She is choshuv. She has fine middos. She has pride in herself. No one can take that away from her. She should hold herself up and say, “He was not my bashert. Hashem certainly knows what He’s doing. He proved it here!”

    I do tend to agree with the others:
    1) Too long on the phone.
    2) Each one has some soul searching to do to make sure they are doing things according to our mesorah.

    I would add that if anything, let the girl come out with a better sense of who she is and be proud of it. If there is weight issue, then let her extrapolate that from this painful episode and she will only see brochos from it. If it’s not a weight issue, then as I said, let her take pride in her stature as a choshuveh bas yisroel. Her chashivus cannot be determined by a boor!

    Hatzlocho Rabo! Hashem will certainly send you a wonderful guy soon.

  15. exuse me but whats wrong with the boy wanting a pic???????? he has to be okay with the appearance of the girl who he marries. would it of been better for him to make her fly all th way out there and then dump her?????

  16. If he was willing to go out with her, why did he burn his bridges by stating that she is not what he is looking for physically? Would a girl endear herself if she said to a boy I am willing to date you despite x, y and z? Singles in shidduchim, please keep your doubts and disparaging thoughts to yourself, b/c you could end up marrying the person and they don’t need to know you weren’t impressed initially. In fact, you could turn someone off and ruin your shidduch. My cousin recently got engaged to a boy who is 5’8″ – she’s 5’9″. Do you think she told the boy – I’m struggling with this height discrepancy issue? Of course not! She saw the whole person and decided to go ahead with the shidduch and didn’t ruin the shidduch or hurt his feelings in the process. If I say no to a boy I always try to say something nice about him and then say he is not for me. A bissel mentschlichkeit people – you are only helping yourself and your own good name. From another single girl in the parsha.

  17. There is a vort bederech melitza said in the name of the Chebiner Rebitzen, A”H- loi Chain yeooseh bmkoimeini loosais es HATZIROH (The picture) lifnei Habochur, VD”L

  18. Since when is LOOKS a priority? This sickness in the shidduch parsha must end!

    The priorities are tznius, middos, bas talmid chochom, chesed, etc. NOT LOOKS.

    THAT is why we have a “shidduch crisis”; due to all the focus on “looks.”

  19. This is a very important letter. It should be shown to all young singles to give them a glimpse of the power of their actions and how important it is to establish proper priorities.

  20. First of all, a boy does have to be satisfied about the girl’s appearance, and it seems that he made an attempt to explain that in a way that she shouldn’t feel so bad (which is really impossible).
    Secondly, he ended off with saying that he still wanted to meet her “despite” her looks. If he came to that conclusion, he must be the world’s biggest moron to feel the need to articulate that. There are many guys who are aware that there spouse may not be the best looking person in the world, but they appreciate the person and as my Rosh yeshiva once put it to me, don’t find the way they look “offensive.” None of these guys would ever tell their wives, “you’re a ten personality but only a five in looks, but that’s enough for me.” So weird. Don’t cry over this guy who obviously lacks a good helping of common sense. Dating someone is one thing, but the goal is to find a good husband, which this guy obviously would not be.
    You would be a lot sadder if you flew to EY and met they guy and realized he was a jerk right away by giving you this type of speech. He saved you from the flight. This is Hash-m’s way of helping you find your bashert by keeping you away from someone who obviously is not.
    Thirdly, the notion of a girl and boy presumably from a bais yaakov and yeshiva speaking so much over the phone is a little weird. The first date in person is usually a waste of time after the first 20 minutes (because they’re both too afraid to say/ask too much, the conversation ends being things like, “where did you go to camp,” blah blah) but it is the first opportunity to get a feel for a person. Both of you should have had foresight in this (did you or the boy get a description from someone? You should have, it’s part of hishtadlus in a long distance situation). I fail to see where the shadchan was in this scenario, as it should have been a shadchan to:
    1) regulate the excessive phone times
    2) try to get a photo or describe you real well to the boy
    3) convey the boy’s discontent in a more kind way to the girl

    I know that the girl is reading these responses, and if I sound cavalier about her fiasco, I apologize. I’d appreciate if she would respond to my points though.

  21. This guy is a fool. If he was sincere about his intention to overlook the picture, he should have never raised the issue with her. Rather he should have kept it to himself and made a decision. In dating, you don’t have to always share your feelings, especially if it’ll be counterproductive.

  22. Most people on this site cannot honestly say that looks play no role in choosing a mate. What was this guys supposed to do – get engaged to her without knowing what she looks like? Even in Chumash, when describing a future female mate, the decription is often Isha Ye’Fas Tohar.

    Should one of the parties spend $1000 dollars to fly to Israel when a picture could save a huge expense? Perhaps they should have arranged a skype conversation so they could have seen each other

    I feel terrible for her and she should heal soon.

  23. This is a perfect case of where Shidduch Vision should’ve been used. BTW – Although I believe that the girl is telling the story as it was, we did not hear the “other side of the story.”

  24. Im not sideing with anyone i understand the boy and feel bad for the girl i was once doing a shidduch and the boy told me the girls hands were to skinny thats why he turned doun the shidduch and he spoke to his rosh hayeshiva about it he just couldnt see past it.
    This gilr who wrote the letter – looks are in the eye of the beholder what if he tryed to see past it and she came and they went out a few times and it went no where and he never told her we she feel better maybe but her heart probly would have been broken even more in a diffrent sence and alot of money wasted just be strong move on you will see the guy will come sometimes you have to go through Mr. wrong to get to Mr. right and im sure he feel very bad too -hatlacha in all that you do may this be the year of simchas for you and your familly

  25. I feel bad for this young lady. However, when i was dating 25+ years ago, we all called the girls high school graduation book “the shidduch pictures”.

    I once heard from Rav Hershael Shachter that one does not have to marry someone who is not pleasing to the eye just to be able to say SHEKER HACHEIN VHEVEL HAYOFI.

    As for the boy: while one should not judge from a picture, he at least had the metchlichkeit of not putting this young lady through the financial expense of travelling to Eretz Yisroel. On the other hand, did he ask the best friend if she had a picture?

  26. Just wondering, wasn’t the age old Jewish tradition that the boy seeks out the girl not the girl flying to meet the boy? Am I just behind the times or has the fact that there are more boys out there given the guys the chutzpah to take advantage of the girl?

  27. The boy wanted to go out with this girl so he is a total moron for telling her that he wanted to do so despite not being so taken by the picture. Some people tend not be tactfull and he probably didnt think he was being hurtfull.

  28. A picture cannot communicate a person’s real looks. It captures just a split second of the person, who is a work in motion. A picture is nothing more than a lie. I recall as a girl switching to a new school. There was a girl in my class who, I thought, was the ugliest girl I had ever seen. But she was so nice, kind, and helpful, making my transition to a new school so much easier. Two weeks later I really looked at her again, and could not understand why I had thought she was so ugly. Now she looked really pretty to me. I was now seeing a complete picture of a person, and she was beautiful. Skip the pictures; they are meaningless and too one-dimensional, which no real person is. The focus should be on seeing the real person in his/her totality, which is much more genuine and trustworthy.

  29. In defense of the phone calls, I dont see why they’re any different than a date. Its just not done in person. I think the picture should not have been sent but these are side points. Hashem runs things and this was the way He chose to show you the truth about this person (person for lack of a better word)

    You are %1000 right. If someone has the gall to say no to someone based on a picture when there already is a potential they are beyond sick. Keep in mind that whatever you went through will bring the real one MUCH closer and probably for all people who are looking for their match.

    Hold on tight, around the bend is mr. right. May Hashem bentch you with everything good now, and when you do find mr. right. (very very soon!)

  30. I think everything here is exploded by feeling. That a guy wants to see a picture of the girl he is looking to marry is NORMAL. What if her looks turn him off. Then he’s not even allowed to marry her. But suppose he has unrealistic expectations?(that’s a problem of the world we live in, in our day and age.)that’s insulting as a women.(only looks count, not who I am)
    The boy realizes it’s mistaken thinking. He was expecting who knows what (which alot are looking for)and instead his balloon busted, and you are nice looking but not what he had thought all this time.He was trying to be honest with you(he first thinks then feels, as opposed to you that feels than thinks)by saying it’s not what he expected but since he likes you he’s willing to go out anyway.For him yashrut is an ideal which at times can be a chasrona.He’s human and spoke to you like he would his best friend. He’s inexperienced and didn’t know sometimes a person doesn’t have to say everything he thinks.
    I can understand why both of them were on the phone so often. A person
    doesn’t want to fly 12,000 miles plus pay $1200 for nothing.
    The fact the picture was hinted at, and at the point you were agreeable to send a picture now seems to be point out that you feel a bit insecure about your looks. The best moms are the ones without the perfect looks. Believe in yourself. Good looks are relative. Once, not so many years ago in europe, the heavier a person was the more desirable he was. In our generation the designer of Mattel thought otherwise.
    A person who feels insecure about their looks have also indirectly been indocturated by the shtut of our generation that skinny is a good quality and looks are the main criteria to judge a person.
    I feel bad for you,and for the bochur who doesn’t know what hit him. He has no clue to what he did wrong. I feel bad that there wasn’t an experienced person in the middle. It all seems to be MAASEH HASATAN.

  31. Old School/#36 – Vi shteit?

    Where is it written that it has to be done that way?

    And who says it was done like that in Europe?

  32. I feel bad or the writer, but am perplexed; he asked “indirectly” for the picture, and she was happy to send it, since, “after all, pictures can sometimes say a lot”, and waited anxiously for the feedback, yet asks, “Who do you think you are to dare request a picture?”

  33. based on the story this guy was a young wipper snapper who had no intenion of getting married now. He was still in e’y and why not speak to a girl a few hours a few times then when it got serious he just jumped out of the whole thing. He proboly could care less how she feels.

  34. I agrees with Bubby 38, was going to write much the same. Two people might meet and, although not initially attracted, get to see the other ones maaylos and the appearance grows on them. Therefore, some mistakes were definitely made here. The picture should not have been requested nor sent, but this boy showed very poor judgment in telling the girl he’s not impressed. Now, if he had said this to the shadchan (and she was a smart Bubby or Bubbie) she might have convinced him that in person will be different. (That’s why, while the young people are the ones who know the candidates, sometimes you just need some life experience to be an effective shadchan!!!!)

    And no way should the shadchan have let the girl know he’s not sure about her looks.

  35. I haven’t read all the comments as they are lengthy so I may reiterate what I was already said. In my opinion, looks are important. Not because of the beauty but just that was is nice to one is not nice to another. There is a possibility that a girl may be very disgusting but in the eyes of her chosson she is beautiful and this is why chazal says that a person is not allowed to be mekadesh a wife without seeing her first. This new idea of shidduch vision may be good for some people the main reason being that you can see each other etc. In this case the girl should have offered to somehow send a picture before they met so that this issue would be squared away before they got more involved. I don’t see what the boy did wrong. Maybe he should have been a little more sensitive to the girl but on the whole he did nothing wrong.

  36. I feel bad for the writer. The boy behaved without any feelings at all. If a person wants a picture then they must ask for it before feelings develope due to so much conversation.
    However I do feel the writer’s self worth is based too much on what people think regarding her looks. (which is really typical in this generation) I’m sure you’re pretty but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If he didn’t care for your looks
    a. that doesn’t mean your not pretty
    b. learn that what people think of you is not important-the important thing is to be appreciative of what we have.
    Anyway, you’re much too good for such a crass person! Who needs such non-husband material anyway?

  37. reply #30

    I am the girl who wrote the above letter.

    Unfortunately, the shadchan was my inexperienced best friend.

    But she is at no fault.

    The reason the phone conversation lasted long, is because I did not want to pay so much money until I was sure about him.

    I guess the boy felt open enough to share his feelings with me rather than the shadchan

    My family did research upon this boy, and everyone said amazing stuff about him.

    your questions appreciated

  38. most of the time people that go for looks are the ones that dont have good looks – looks is in the eye of the beholder
    pictures can fool a person – some people are photogenic and look good on pictures and vice versa therefore pictures mean absolutely zero and by the way girls that are into looking beautiful are most of the time very materialistic and into their looks which tells it all -most of them are BIG SHOTS and snobs therefore it’s the inside that counts

    Look not for beauty, nor whiteness of skin
    Look for a heart that is loyal within
    Beauty and whiteness will vanish away
    But a heart that is loyal, will forever stay
    “Shayker hachain vehaiyvel hayoifi ishu yiras hashem hi tishalal
    wishing you the best of luck to find your bashert it is with one closer

  39. Why oh why is everyone trashing this poor young guy? He has every right to know what his date looks like. Yes, looks is a very important aspect in a relationship.
    What did this guy do wrong? How many thousnads of dates go nowhere because one is not attracted to the other? Why should a boy be expected to marry a girl based on the middos alone? That is baloney. A boy has every right to do what he did. This girl needs to quit being such a cry baby and get over it

  40. This story proves that Modern Orthodoxy is the way to go. In the modern orthodox coed schools system, this can never happen because, as Bubby above said so nicley, the guys get to know the girls’ personality by going to school with them, not just judging them by a picture. In the other velt, it’s all about the money and the looks. Personality is worth zilch.

  41. Yes, he has a chiyuv to see the girl before marrying her. the gemorah actually bases this on veahavtah lereacha komocha.

    However, based on the crassness of this boys dealings and his lack of sensitivty, he doesn’t seem all that concerned about veahavta lereiacha komocha.

    We must teach our children middos. This is a parents job.

  42. It looks like almost everyone has taken sides. But until we hear BOTH sides, how can we take a side?

    One thing though, a picture does not contain a neshama. A picture is lifeless; and a video (shidach vision), is also lacking this crucial element.

    When a neshama meets their true partner, the whole world becomes complete.

    Dear Writer, a close friend of mine got married to the wrong girl, and had a hard marriage… but BH got divorced and has found his “neshama”…

    There is so much pressure to get married, from within, and from external sources that a person can really force himself to marry the wrong neshama. But at the end of the day, if a person lets himself flow, relax… and be himself… the right one will fit like a glove.

    Don’t force it.


    It’s not worth it.

    You will be able to succeed the goal of “being married” but you will lose the happiness that you really desire.

    Haztalcha Rabba.

  43. Well as a girl in the shidduch parsha I have a very strong valid point to make.Just like the boys and their mommas demand to see the girls’ pictures.We girls want to see a picture of the boys.Why is it that when a boy asks for a girls picture it’s kosher and when a girl asks for a boys picture it’s not?It doesn’t make sense- either we don’t show pictures at all or both sides get to see pictures.You don’t want to go out with someone whom you find uh excuse me “repulsive” well neither do I- It has to be a two way street -either both or nothing!

  44. To comment #51 and others with his opinion
    It’s not what he did, it’s how he did it. A person needs to be sensitive to another’s feeling and not say things that will hurt the other. Women especially are very sensitive to any negative comments about their looks. If you don’t uderstand then good luck to your Sholom Bayis or future Sholem Bayis.
    He should’ve ask for the picture (it makes no sense for her to travel before he gets a sense of her looks)before they started talking and if she didn’t appeal to him, then he should’ve give a vague answer to the shadchan why the shidduch wouldn’t work for him.

  45. A photo is not realiable at all especially if it’s a snapshot not taken by a very professional photographer. Many snapshots don’t do justice in bringing out a person’s personality. Some people are photogenic, others ahave “chein”, or charming or charismatic personalities that are usually only seen in real life.

  46. There are shidduch webesites like and that work with people profiles including theyr pictures,

    So people are seeing each lotehrs pictures from the get-go and yes in many cases rejecting them I am sure because of the pictures.

    and that includes me as well.

  47. #45 I must agree, bochurim in eretz yisrael are not really interested and usually new to the shidduch parsha. I recall how before my first date, I was all excited and thought it was cool to date, but as soon as the girl walked in to the room, I was overcome by shock, the reality hit that this is real. So I can hear that this young boy just got cold feet from seeing that its really serious.
    Plus, on a different note, perhaps if you wouldve met in person, the conversation would not have flowed, cause looks do make a difference in how we regard the other person and converse, over the phone, its all up to the imagenation.

  48. sorry, dear one: any bochur who will speak to a girl on the phone for countless hours cannot be held to chareidi ideals of tzidkus. When you yourself stay within the daled amos of yeshivishe standards for dating (e.g., the parents do the diligence first, and info with or without picture is requested lechatechila) you can complain about “what we’re teaching our bochurim.”

    You would have been saved from the grief you are unfortunately suffering now if only you would have stuck to the age-old yeshivish mehalech!

  49. there is something in israel called “dugri” which means tell it as it is. this boy felt that after speaking so much to a girl i could be strait with her.

    He ended off by saying that even though he’s not so much into my picture, he will overlook it because I have fantastic middos.

    again he is being truthful so he is nieve. he probably not experienced in dealing with girls.
    he only spoke to other yeshiva bocherim,.

  50. since we are now living in 2010 once can understand he requests a picture. I must tell you I do not know you nor him but he is not the right man for you as he wants something different.

    may it be the will of the ribobno shel olam that you both find the right match its not a game.

  51. If this woman is truly real then she sure is getting heaps of free advice. Not to say that all the advice should be considered. As some of the stuff here is pretty confussing.

  52. i’m really sorry for what you just went through.but just like i am telling my children, by the way i have k”h 12 (6 & 6) just married off my 6th child, it wasn’t for you!!! better now then later. it is only one step closer to the rite one!!! i know it’s hurts but it realy for the best.
    my oldest son was seeing a girl, at the time he was a working boy, her parents did any and everything to brake them up or 2 months, then they said they will agree if he goes back to yeshiva. it was hard for him but he did it. 4 months later he was to come home and they where to get angaged, she called him every friday to wish him a gut shoboss, one week she made it very short and then sunday she called to tell him her parents told her to choose, him, (and she will not have the life she is used to because we don’t have money). or to choose her parents with all the money she needs (only child and very, very rich family) so she realy told him she can’t live without riches.
    1 month later we fond him another girl. and they are b”h happy married for 6 years and 2 children.
    this girl got married to a very rich boy a short time after, and till today has no children and not so happy….with her marrage.
    just wipe your tears look in the mirror and say thank you hashem. i could and i will do much better!!!!!!!!!
    hatlocha!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂

  53. You are so so lucky to have found about this side of him in advance and before you flew out there. You may feel down or degraded now but it is important to remember that Hashem is our true shadchan and that everything has a pre-destined time. As someone who dated for 10 years I know that we can not force things and when the time is right your basherte will come along and everything will work out with mazel and brochah. I am married now to a wonderful guy and am so happy that all the “almosts” did not work out. Best of luck with this difficult parsha and may Hashem bring you your zivug b’korov.

  54. I’m going to try to catch up on this thread, but question, if it hasn’t been asked. I assume this is an American boy, learning in E”Y for now. Is he planning on settling in E”Y? If not, why not wait to go out till he’s in the US instead of this tremendous shod of Yiddishe gelt? Is this how desperate the girls are that they’ll preempt the shana bet girls to get the guys?

  55. Why did Yaakov “love” Rochel and not Leah.

    Why does the Tora and Chazal talk about the beauty of Chava, Sarah etc., if beauty in a wman is total vanity?

    That is life, some of us are born rich and soome poor, some brilliant and sume dumb, some beautyful and some not so. Darkei Hashem Nistorim.

    I wish the young woman Hatzlacha. She will find her Basherte.

    PS In the defense of the boy, he might have haerd that she is not so good looking, so rather than have her spend for the trip, he asked for a picture,

  56. I don’t neither parties should ever see pictures of eachother.

    My very very goodlooking smart cousin just got engaged to a sweet smart girl, but not so much with looks.

    I assure everybody, had someone shown a picture of the girl to the chosson, he wouldn’t have considered her


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