Dear Matzav Editor,
I am writing this letter mainly because I was greatly affected by yesterday’s letter on Matzav.com from the father who is struggling financially that it has pushed him to the brink, literally. I wish him much hatzlacha and was really amazed by the support and care expressed in the many comments, which showed that we are, truly, a caring people made up of individuals who are takeh concerned about each other.
My personal crisis is not financial-related (though I am surely in a similar boat to yesterday’s writer). Mine is what I would call a “Torah crisis.”
I always enjoyed learning and had a drive to know and understand Shas and halacha. Somehow, however, in recent years, life has shlepped me away from any serious learning. Life has thrown me curveballs that I could have never envisioned, and my schedule has prevented me from getting involved in good, solid learning each day. I am greatly bothered by this but don’t know what to do.
I wake up each morning and head to davening and then work. I work a long, tiring day and come home in the early evening totally exhausted. My lunch break is almost nonexistent. Following supper and Minchah/Maariv, I used to learn, even though I was thoroughly exhausted. In the last few years, though, that has been made impossible too, because I’ve had to take on a small supplemental job at night. By the time I’m done, the night is basically over and I have to get to bed to have strength for the next day. I can’t wake up early the next day, because as it is I am getting to sleep late enough. It is like a vicious cycle. I feel like I am spinning my wheels and can’t find a quality window of time during the day to do some quality learning, even if it is just for an hour.
I have a short commute each day, but I find that the little time in the car is my only period to relax my mind and just remove myself from the world, if only for 20 minutes each way. I don’t know if my mind is clear then to engage in a bit of in-car learning.
Am I the only one going through this? As someone who was involved in learning all my years, I now feel like I am drifting away into the world of the am haaretz. It’s sad to say, but my schedule makes it almost impossible to learn. I don’t want to continue on this path of losing what I already know in Torah and not growing in Torah. As we know, if one isn’t growing, he is automatically regressing.
What should I do?
Seeking to Learn But is Just Not Able