A new ad put out this week by the NASI organization seems to place the “shidduch crisis,” namely the trouble girls are having in shidduchim, squarely on the shoulders of yeshiva bochurim.
“Could our sons’ plans be fueling our daughters’ shidduch challenges?” the ad headline reads.
The ad goes on to say that “Our daughters’ shidduch troubles could be starting in our sons’ dorm and dirah. Because that’s where bachurim decide as a group when to go to Eretz Yisroel and when to return. So if our sons’ friends, and their friends, don’t come home by age 22, our daughters won’t have many bachurim to go out with. Most ironic? Our funding is allowing it to happen!”
The ad then says that there’s something people can do.
“But we can do something about it,” the ad states. “Let’s speak to our sons about the effect of their decisions on their sisters. We’ll be following the guidance of Gedolel Yisroel, and
getting our daughters and her friends to pick up speed in shidduchim.”
The bottom of the ad states that Rav Chaim Kanievsky zt”l said about the father of a 30-year-old single girl, “For his sons he wasn’t in any rush to start shidduchim before 23-24. If a father doesn’t start his sons younger, he is indirectly responsible for there not being enough bachurim for his own daughter.”
{Matzav.com Israel}
Oilom Hofuch. If there is an age gap between when bochrim are ready to get married and when parents want their daughters to start shidduchim who should budge? Who should we try to change?
Our young couples dedicate the first few years of marriage for the benefit of the husbands’ learning. If he feels he’ll learn better in Israel, Lakewood or in his favorite yeshiva in some far flung dorfaleh, our daughters are moser nefesh to join and go ‘where he will learn best’. So why can’t the parents do the same and sacrifice a bit their dreams of being young grandparents for their future son-in-laws learning? Let the bocher learn על מי מנוחות for a few extra zmanim! Let the girls spend a year or two earning a livelihood, get training or schooling or be involved in chessed. Wait a year or two to start shidduchim so that their husband can become the Talmid Chochom that we all want!!
There is no excuse for the Balle Battim of Nosi to try pushing around our Roshei Yeshiva and future Roshei Yeshiva.
Appalling disgusting disrespectful!
Nothing new.
If we are starting to blame the boys can I suggest blaming the girls and the influence of modern feminism?
I personally know many girls that unfortunately are older singles and it seems to me that to a certain extent they feel they are better off single than getting married to a less perfect guy. What happened to טן דו מלמיתב ארמלו. I’m not asking them to settle for a guy who’s an ois vorf but they’ve dated many nice guys with good middos and they’ve turned them down because they were to short or too quiet, or didn’t have enough personality for them.
Bingo !
It’s their Roshei Yeshiva.
If the Mir Y-M would open a large Bais Medrash in the USA, the Shiduch crisis would be over in a short period of time.
For people who believe yeshiva is all about Dorm & Dira they are right but for those who yeshiva is about Torah and Shteiging it a whole different story
Those 23-24 year old bochurim can just as easily meet 21-23 year old girls, not just the 18-19 year olds. (In light of the current crisis, more emphasis should be put onn this.) Simple logic.
The 18 and 19 year old girls that are trying to date , want the 23 year old boys.
(Younger boys are still in Israel by choice)
So let’s not deny those girls what they want.
Study the ad and the illustration, and Rav Kanievsky’s quote, as there are many movings parts there.
A lot to unpack here!
Long Time Shadchan
I believe the bochurim and the girls are responsible for the shidduch crisis but weighing more on the bochurim.
SHIDDUCH HOLOCAUST OR SHIDDUCH CRISIS?
AT THE RATE THINGS ARE GOING NOW,
WITH ALL THE AGUNOS BEING CREATED
BY THE SYSTEM WE HAVE AND DON’T FIX IT,
כלל ישראל will ח”ו lose 15,000 unborn children in
the first generation.75,000 the second generation etc
כלל ישראל will ח”ו have 3000 women, 6.000 parents.
12,000 grandparents and countless others suffering
in misery having their loved ones as Agunos.
כלל ישראל will ח”ו have an increase in unhappy marriages &
divorces due to the fact that girls have to settle for
anything that comes their way in dates.
Being in denial of the situation &/or not doing anything
about it immediately, will ח”ו upgrade the Shidduch crisis to
a Shidduch HOLOCAUST
No need for hyperbole. It accomplishes nothing. HKB”H is in control.
The American Roshei Yeshivos should not allow the Bachurim in their Yeshivah to hang out for
an additional year. The Israeli Yeshivos shouldn’t accept older Bachurim.
Please Stop the blame game. Stop the senssatiolism ads and online post.
There is a crisis
My son is 22 and starting shidduchim.
My daughter is 23 and still has not had a date in 18 months.
The bochrim dont delibertly sit in the dorm planning their lives to destroy their sisters lives as this post claims.
GET REAL.
There are just so many girls on a higher level caliber then bochrim.
There are 3x the amount of girls single then bochrim i am told.
JUST DAVEN. THINK OF OTHERS. and RED SHIDDUCHIM.
The litvish bochrim age system in america has been this way for generations.
IF the rosh yeshivas which are TRUE daas torah feel there is a need to blanket all bochrim to start dating at 22 or earlier they would. Some bochrim are mature and ready at 22 or 21. Many are not ready until 23 or 24. They ask their rosh yeshivos who know what is best for each talmid. The Rosh Yeshiva and mashgichim know their talmidim – at times even better then the parents- as they are with them all day for years.
Do we need to have chas vshalom push people to get married before they are ready so the divorce rate and single moms chas vshalom will futher sky rocket than it is already.
The “system” is not great. It needs tweaking. But it needs cannot be generalized nor blamed on bochrim or girls.
Many rosh yeshivas today dont suggest the bochrim to goto Eretz Ysiroel before marriage, becuse many if lucky float. Yet there is no NON DATING ACCLAIMED yeshiva that i am aware of for bochrim in the USA to stay for 4th year beis medrash.
There are a tremendous amount of girls and boys losing their yeras shamayim and emunah and young ages (7,8th grade) and some as teens (while dressing frum at home) and then others after marriage. Maybe this is a part of the diffrence in numbers of eligibile boys to girls..
The Roshei Yeshiva’s all keep encouraging the boys to learn another year and then another year.
Most bochurim in fact want to go earlier to eretz yisroel than they end up actually going, what usually keeps a bachur from going is his rebbi telling him to stay a bit longer, usually because the rebbi or rosh yeshiva feels it is necessary for the backup to do so
The same is true on the way home,
The fact is our bochurim have a tremendous amount of respect for daas torah.
Any organization that only exists because of its incessant trashing of mechanchim should in fact cease to exist
Rav Chaim zt”l was close to twenty four years old when he got married.
He started at age 17 . He writes that the girls all rejected him.
Guess nothing changed from then to now .
But let’s blame the boys .
This ad has been running in the Yated for a few weeks already.+I sent the the following letter:
The ad purports to depict bochurim making flippant decisions where and when to learn, with drastic consequences. I fail to understand, if these boys are indeed so callous and cold hearted, why would anyone want their daughters to marry them.
However, as the father and father in law of numerous Bnei Torah, I disagree vehemently with this scene. Our Bnei Aliyah aren’t making such choices sitting around with their friends. They are seeking advice from their Morei Derech, their Rabbeim and Roshei Yeshiva. Their goal is to learn in EY in order to shteig and become better suited for marriage and life. Do you really think berating and speaking down to them will get them to change their ways?
If Nasi really wants to help our girls, they would be better off following the directive of the Zkan Roshei Yeshiva, R Meir Tzvi Bergman. When he addressed the shidduch crises at Adirei Hatorah, he did not suggest that the bochurim spend fewer years in Yeshiva. He said we should all bentch inside, and not by heart.
May the mizaveg zivugim find everyone their proper shidduch in the proper time,
BLM Bachurim Lives Matter
This is a great way to convince boys
I’m sure this will persuade them
Huh????
Speaking down to them will surely help, no!
How does bashert, and everything is from.hashem , come into this ?
Now, during the bein hamitzarim, we shouldn’t be blaming each other for these type of hypothetical scenarios, fueling sinas chinam.
Every word stated above is 100% true. Only thing is the bochurin don’t know better but the people creating this system must implement immediate change to prevent worsening of this crisis as the results are devastating and leaders must step up.
Actually, it’s blaming the parents for funding this for the boys.
Whether or not the shidduch “crisis” is due to the age gap can be discussed, but Rav Chaim Kanievsky never said anything like that quoted statement. If he had, the discussion about the age gap would have been over before it started — if Rav Chaim said it, we would all accept it as reality.
That’s not to say that Rav Chaim never spoke about boys getting married earlier in life, he of course was an advocate of that, just like the Gemoroh says. But he never said that their delaying marriage has resulted in the shidduch crisis.
Every boy and parent of a boy in shidduchim deserves to take exception and offense to this advertisement.
It’s time for everyone to realize that Nasi, an well meaning as they might be and their intentions might be Lshaym Shamayim, has gone overboard by trying in every which way to convince bochurim and their parents to not listen to what their Roshei Yeshiva are telling them. That’s not how Klal Yisrael works. Nasi need to get the Roshei Yeshiva on board. There’s a reason that they haven’t yet. The bochurim will continue to listen to their Roshei Yeshiva despite Nasi’s efforts.
You want to know the problem??!! There are more girls that want only learning boys, and there are not enough of learning boys to go around. There are boys, but they are on a lower level. and chas v’shalom a girl should date such a boy!! They can lowee the age for boys to get married at 18 and there still not enough boys to go around.
Seems to me the girl’s parents are very picky. Let their daughters meet bachurim from Chutz Lo’Oretz.
A juvenile advertisement with juvenile thinking points.
Hurray. Matzav censored my comment. They must feel so empowered. Stupid idiots.
How many girls would marry, or even date, a boy who is just one inch shorter than her, or even the same height as her?
In the early 2000s, I knew a 5″3 Frum girl (not yet married) who told me many times that height was not important to her, not important at all. She told me that she would date boys shorter than her.
BOTTOM LINE: Her husband is 6″4 — because height was not important to her, not important at all 🙂
Height only makes a difference initially. I’m not a tall girl but all the boys suggested to me were – and I felt uncomfortable. In the end, I married someone very tall but it didn’t bother me, because he’s the right one. I know, I “wasted” a tall boy needed for the tall girls, but it had nothing to do with my choice. Now, I’m the shortest around here…