The Matzav Shmoooze: A Stab in the Chest

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It seems like yesterday that we were in yeshiva together, first in the States and then in Eretz Yisroel. Upon returning to Lakewood, we again learned together.

After you exited the freezer, you were immediately grabbed up; after all, you have all the maalos. When we would meet afterwards, you would update me with the additions to the mishpachah. I made a point to come to the simchos, even though I am single.

Fast forward 20 years. I am still single. Yet, throughout this time, you have not felt the need to be of assistance with shidduchim. It hurts.

I heard from an adam gadol that the epidemic of OTD children is in some part related to having not assisted older single friends.

To the readers of this letter, think before you kvell about your children to an older single. It’s a dagger right through the heart.

Eltere Bochur
Lakewood, NJ



  1. “Yet, throughout this time, you have not felt the need to be of assistance with shidduchim.”
    Are you sure about that? I have been involved in several shidduch attempts (to a greater or lesser degree) that didn’t go anywhere and one or both parties never were aware of the efforts being made.
    Hatzlocha rabba on finding your zivug. May your tefilos on the upcoming yomim nora’im be answered.

  2. 1) Has Matzav lost all sense of decency?! How can you possibly post such a disgusting picture?!

    2) There is no need for the bitter old single to curse anyone.

    3) When people get married, their first responsibility is to their spouse and family. Otherwise, what is the point/purpose of getting married and starting a family? Taking care of one’s family takes a lot of time and effort. I hear a lot of idealistic young men &women claim, “when I get married I’m not going to abandon my freinds like everyone else. I’m going to work 24/7 to get all singles married”. That’s all nice and good. But then they actually get married and they realize that it’s impossible. The young couple is no longer in Mommy & Totty’s house. THEY have to prepare supper every night. They have do the laundry. They have to do the shopping. They have endless responsibilities which must accomplished if they want to maintain shalom bayis. Then when the first child is born, it only increases exponentially. Now all this doesn’t paatur a mensch from helping others with shidduchim. But if a couple only have limited time together, should they ignore each other and sit on their phones shmuzing with older singles, or are they allowed to talk to each other after a hard day of work or learning? You give us room and will give you room. And when we do redt you shidduchim, answer your phone and get back to us. We are busy just like you.

  3. point well taken. painful to read.

    Picture horribly inappropriate. When Arabs are stabbing Yidden and killing them with these types of knives, this is certainly not the proper choice of picture. I understand the tone, and realize the point trying to be made, however, still with all that, terrible choice of pictures to use.

  4. It seems like everybody is right…
    Mr. #1 thinks it’s just another boring news day so Matzav got nothing else to do but post a completely irrelevant news item…
    Mr. #2 is not so sure that the unfortunate “Elter Bochur” was actually being ignored by his friend.
    Mr. Getzel thinks that the “bitter old single” is “cursing” everyone, and that married people really don’t have the time because they are very busy taking care of their family…
    Mr. oy Vey feels the pain, but is having a difficulty with the choice of picture attached to this article.

    But I can’t stop thinking: What has become of us B’nei Yisroel? Why can’t we just hear the cry of another yid who’s suffering and empathize? Yes, he might be exaggerating, he might have not noticed that there are some (perhaps many) that have tried to help him – but he is in pain! Why can’t we just give him that empathy that he needs, it does not cost anything to us while it can be a LIFE SAVER to him! It’s Ellul! It’s a few days before Rosh Hashana where we all going to be standing before הקב”ה and asking for all those things that we want, that we need. Do we want ח”ו that הקב”ה scrutinize us the way we just did this person? Will we have any chance if ח”ו this will happen?

    I pray for all of כלל ישראל,
    השיבנו ה’ אליך ונשובה! חדש ימינו כקדם

  5. To the letter writer and those who feel that way. I came to Lakewood about twenty years ago. No one grabbed me because I have “alleh maalos”. And I can’t think of any male older singles who come to my simchos.

    But still I want to make the following point very strongly. If you feel or anyone else in any difficult situation feels I should be doing more to help you else please speak to me directly. If I can help you I will. If I can’t I will discuss why not.Please don’t go around with this hurt resentment.

    May you see a Yeshou before Rosh Hashana.

  6. Obviously the shidduch system is broken beyond repair. The “alle malles” folks get married quick and to the “best”.
    This obviously leads to the other 99% getting all the excuses brochos etc-but not married. Thats why so many have decided its better to meet on one’s own as the system must change.

    • The community has become a culture of the “haves” and the “have nots”. The rich are getting richer. There is a increasing financial gap between the “rich” and all others. And it is justified “in the name of Torah.”

      Woe to us.

  7. To #3, Getzel, If your 30 year old brother was still single would you find the time to find him a shidduch? If it hurts enough you make the time!

  8. From one single to another: Well stated; right on target. I danced at so may weddings, only realizing afterwards that it was a SEUDAS PERAIDA, not a chasuna. Never heard from the chasan again.

  9. Did this terrible syllogism for her or his pain need to be printed? The syllogism is a direct hate of G-d and his divine plan.

    Not to mention with arab terror, no such reference to a stabbing in the chest is joyful at all. Terror is going on daily and the yet married party has a plan to deserve rights by the added advantage of criticizing the community and making hard felt notions of given murder his or her advantage.

    It is not much peace to me either, but the book of Daniel notes an unmarried man. One can think not all souls will find hopeful weddings but it is not the worth to constantly worry. Even recently we noted a 55 year old soul to marry. Shema yisrael and Baruch Hashem!

    Seriously, this story is hollow for Israel humane feeling. Mitzvah missed but concept of concern partially noted.

    Best hope is Hashem is the one you cry to. The list server is not a matchmaker in paradise.

  10. Sadly, the description is perfectly on target.

    It is vital to redt shidduchim, but sometimes its even more important to simply show care for the single and family. Even if you don’t have a specific idea, or the idea you had wasn’t successful, tell him/her that you’re keeping them in mind, ask what they’re looking for (and at least have the decency to pay attention while they answer…been there, done that). It’s not only the people who do, sometimes its also the people who try.

    With a bracha that you see Hashem’s yeshuah k’heref ayin.

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