The Matzav Shmoooze: How to Solve Your Personal Shidduch Crisis

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shidduchimDear readers,

The shidduch crisis is clearly a result of a numbers problem. The age gap between the boys and girls creates a situation where there are a surplus of girls and a shortage of boys. I write the following based on an idea I saw shared on a website about doing what we can to help ourselves.

How can a girl who is facing the harsh reality of the numbers make herself sought after by the boys? The only way she can is by being remarkable. A girl can be remarkable in many different ways. She can be remarkably smart, remarkably pretty, remarkably talented, remarkably capable, remarkable wealthy, or even remarkably trendy. But what if a girl doesn’t have any of these remarkable traits? If she isn’t exceptionally smart, pretty, talented, capable, wealthy, or trendy – how does she rise above the crowd?

A girl can become sought after by having a passion. If there is something she cares about so deeply that it defines who she is, that makes her stand out from the other girls out there. For example, a girl who is so into kiruv that she is always talking about it or doing something related to it, will come to be known as the “kiruv girl.” While every other girl is being described as “a very nice girl, frum and ehrlich,” she will be described as “the kiruv girl.” Believe it or not, that will get some boys’ attention. Being passionate about something specific makes you stand out from the crowd and give you a mission that defines your very essence.

You don’t need to solve the entire shidduch crisis to get married. All that needs to be done is to solve the crisis as it relates to you. And that is clearly within your ability to do by defining your passion and making it your very essence.

Think about it.


A Girl in Shidduchim


The Matzav Shmoooze is a regular feature on that allows all readers to share a thought or analysis, long or short, one sentence or several paragraphs long, on any topic, for readers to mull over and comment on. Email submissions to [email protected]

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  1. Do you mean to say that you should portray yourself as something that you are not. i.e. should you pretend to be passionate about kiruv, even though you are really just trying to stand out from the crowd?

  2. true and well-said, but just keep in mind that the boy has to be somewhat equally passionate about it, otherwise it won’t make for much sholom bayis.

    Try this site (Twice Ki Tov): – there they filter out all the “inappropriate” profiles that appear on sites such as frumster or JDate, so a frum girl like you can have a more meaningful search for your basherte.

  3. Age gap? freezers? More years in seminaries? shidduch funds? Please STOP already! Wake up, people! Why is there no one willing to stand up and yell the truth and stop this nonsense? This “crisis” was self created because of selfish greed. I and my generation saw with our own eyes as this stupid transition occurred and why. We did not go through this narishkeit when we got married because we did not “mess” with the process as we were warned and we did NOT subscribe to the meshugas. Sure we yelled but we were threatened. The Taliban/Mafia took over. Hashem created a wonderful system. Today (well before “Nasi”) there is huge personal agenda and “businesses” making tons of money on the backs of countless of younger people. They only care about their bottom line. There has to be someone out there with the compassion and honesty to the right thing and undo this fabricated travesty. Even parents are being forced to comply with this lunacy. This is sick and crazy and anti-Torah 100%! Hashem Yerachem. Has the world gone nuts?

  4. u say it’s clearly a numbers problem. u r right its a numbers problem, as in numbers of dollars, NOT people!! Unless we take money out of the Shidduch equation, things will keep getting worse

  5. How “pationate” is it if it’s only done for a Shidduch? People can see through and diffrentiate between true pation and fake.

    Well, hopefully it’ll turn into a true pation after time. ????????? ?????? ?? ????????
    But it has to be done with that intention…

  6. reply to #2
    I dont presume to speak for the writer but having done my time in the shidduch scene for a while, I think to many frum girls and boys allow shidduchim or the goal of getting married define them, which leaves them without a personally defining aspect.
    What I think this writer means to be saying is not to “make up” a passion but rather find something to be passionate about that will help to shape and define you personally, which yes in effect will make you more desirable.
    At least from the boys perspective there is definitely a difference between sitting across from a girl who has an interest in something, it may be something simple like childcare but something that shows a little life in there rather then just some cookie cut personality.

  7. This is, sadly, what typifies the twisted shidduch thinking. She must be “special” in order to snag a guy, for what guy would want a regular nice girl? She must be “special” to be chosen out of all the millions on the list. The girl, too, must find a prince, no, an ordinary fellow won’t do. For every guy who wants a “kiruv girl” (wouldn’t that be a woman???) there’s going to be one who doesn’t, so the person will lose out on shidduchim too. Also, just because you are into kiruv doesn’t mean the whole planet wants to be bored by it. How about daven, act nice on dates, don’t expect tons of dates, and try to be as open-minded about suggestions as you can be.

  8. …….or we can just tell the boys not to be so stuck up, or we can tell the parents that a Shidduch is more important then money, or we can tell people to stop advising the boys that monney is everything, or we can stop degrading the girls with all these suggestions and ideas as if to say they are at fault for not finding their bashert, or we can begin as a society to put the girls on a pedastal, or we can once again reclaim the concept of noshim tzidkunios and a respect for girls for whom they are not who you want them to be, or we can stop writing about this issue over and over and over in the papers on the web sites and turn our attention to other things so this is not magnified into the worlds crisis.

    Enough. We have gone so mad that now we have stooped the the lowest level of humanity by convincing girls that if things werent hard enough already, now take your money and invest it into yourself by giving it to some nutty people who are greedy and portray klal yisroel as money hungry since they want you to believe that we will only think of you if we can make $ cause all we want is $ and without your $ we won’t redd you a shidduch.Uch UCH UUUUUUCH!!!!!!!

    enough already. Klal Yisroel has the most amazing, the most wonderful , talented, dedicated, and beautiful group of young ladies in the world who should all be so proud of who they are. You do not need to pretend to be someone else or need to become someone else to get a Shiddusch. You are all so special now and if there are guys dumb enough out there to pass you up thinking they deserve better then let them go. You don’t need them. You need the guys there who will want you for who you are!

    Girls – don’t pity yourself. you have done nothing wrong. the system has hurt you. The boys being advised that it $ first and Middos second have hurt you. you are all fine.

  9. Many of you seem confused. Nowhere did the writer right to fake a passion. That would be a twerrible idea. Rather the poster suggests that girls follow on passion they already have “If there is something she cares about so deeply that it defines who she is, that makes her stand out from the other girls out there. ” As a way to stand out among Many “great, ehrliche Girls” who on paper all seem the same. That is an excellent idea

  10. Forget “remarkably smart”. Today’s bachurim are intimidated by girls who are smarter than they are and, looking at the latest crop of ticket punchers, that would include most girls.

  11. Great article…. while all Jewish girls are good mannered and special and do chesed, I can say without a doubt that I would certainly encourage my son to date a girl that is so passionate about bikkur cholim that she started a program in the local hospital for students to visit the sick, or someone that coordinates deliveries for tomchei shabbos. It just makes someone sound special if they own a cause and they make it a part of their life.

  12. People seem to be conveniently ignoring the fact that all you need is ONE GUY. You don’t need GUYS to “notice” you, you need ONE special guy to “notice” you. So you’re not pretty enough or skinny enough or smart enough or even passionate enough. So maybe all those guys out there are looking for more, but that’s fine. You don’t need 100 guys thinking you’re pretty enough, you just need ONE guy who thinks you’re pretty enough. Instead of worrying how to get GUYS to notice you, you can pour all your efforts into your own personal tefilos, personal growth, and basic hishtadlus so hopefully Hashem will help you find that ONE special guy who is out there looking for you as well.

  13. Also, I notice that people love to shift the blame to a specific character flaw that the girl has. She’s too poor, or too fat, or too plain, or too quiet. Then, when you have a girl who is thin enough and pretty enough and wealthy enough and talented enough and smart enough and she is STILL not married we’re not sure what to do with her, so we just say she’s “too picky.”

  14. This age gap thing is such a lie! This notion is complete Kefirah! You are basically saying HKB”H doesn’t control the Shidduch scene R”L! This age gap thing is so out of control, even Hashem can’t help R”L!

    Anyone who say’s “we have a Shidduch crises because of an age gap” is a KOFER BEIKAR!!! I don’t care if it’s a “Rabbi” or a “speaker” who say’s it!

  15. Does it work the other way to??

    What if I as a guy looking for a shidduch , leave my professional very well paying job and I get into the field of kiruv instead?

    Will it cause more potential girls to consider me for a shidduch?


    Alteh Bucher

  16. The main thing is that boys have too many names being redt to them and they are always looking in to more names- I know many boys who don’t go out too often because they can’t tell one girl from another and don’t know which one to pick…

  17. First, I like the writer’s point. I don’t think she intended it as an end all solution, but it’s a clever idea that brings out good within people and “dresses up” a girl to make her more noticeable to some.
    Now, about MONEY. Hate to rain on parade, but lack of money is #1 reason for shalom bayis problems. parents know of all the pressures of $, and especially if their kids plan to learn, or, if they come from a wealthier backgound, not having sufficient (relative) $ can lead to major problems.
    people are putting their kids first and being protective, as theyre expected to do.

  18. 70 Roshei Yeshvia signed a historic letter stating the the primary cause of the shidduch crisis is Age Gap.

    That letter was posted on this website as well as printed in variosu newspapers.

  19. So, the writer of this article, “girl in shidduchim” is saying she is now a kallah because she found her “passion”? Mazel tov to her. However, I know at least 10 girls who also found their “passion” and they are still single. Please explain THIS to your readers of your article! These girls happen to be pretty, capable, and a great catch. Why are they still single?

  20. If it all an issue of numbers (as the writer and many want us to believe) than there should be NO boys over the age of 27.

    But there are…

  21. Anybody have a shidduch for the “baalas chesed” girl who drives home-bound people around, spends shabbos in the hospital with sick kids, actually allowed a poor unemployed grusha move in with her and is mashgiach at the fertility bank?

  22. every day something new…
    if only every one would try to make ONE shidduch it is guaranteed to help this “crisis” people are just not active in setting couples up thats why nasi had to come out with “incentives” to push people. C’mon just try setting up a neighbor/friend/cousin/neice or nephew!

  23. It’s obvious that the writer is not proposing that girls fake it. What she is saying is, girls, look into yourselves and develop WHO YOU ARE, take some aspect of your personality or hashkafah or whatever it may be and DO something with it.

    I think she is right on, except for one thing: ALL girls should be doing this, not only those who are having difficulty finding a shidduch.

  24. What is this writer talking about? I know of kiruv oriented girls who did just that, make themselves a kiruv person personified. Not because of a shidduch, but due to tremendous yiras Shamayim.
    Yet they didn’t find shidduchim right away. I think sometimes girls who are ‘overqualified’ scare off the boys. There are girls who are a lot less ‘remarkable’ who found shidduchim earlier.
    to #7: There are wealthy girls offering years of support, but still haven’t found a bashert. I can go on and on about girls who have remarkable qualities (actually every bas Yisroel is remarkable, but even according to your litmus test…) yet still struggle. And some very unremarkable girls who are not thin, are not swimming in $ and lack ‘remarkable’ yichus, yet they got engaged early on.

    And like #22 said: There is only 1 Boy for each girl! The bottom line- Hashem is mezaveg zivugim!

  25. money isn’t everything, but:

    When you say, “people are putting their kids first and being protective, as theyre expected to do”, what you really mean is that it’s OK for parents to say, “I can’t support my son and he can’t support himself so now it’s the girl’s problem”.

    Beautiful! We look out for our children nowadays, not by giving them the tools to stand on their own and encouraging them to take personal responsibility, but by saying, “you’re someone else’s financial burden, highest bidder wins the prize”.

    And we wonder why we’re in this mess?

  26. The current system is similar to the Paretto principle: 20% get 80% of the dates. The system works well for the 20%. To extend shidduchim to the other 80%..we need more ways to introduce them and I suggest another way…via a shidduch school where after taking several classes, the school will be able to get the students together. In fact, if there are any of you who like this idea, please comment on it and perhaps we can work together on this idea. implement this idea.

  27. This article makes no sense. A guy who wants a passionate girl will find one. But, believe it or not, there are guys who don’t want a passionate girl and their bashert are also out there. Just be yourselves, girls!

  28. She wasn’t suggesting that this was the solution to the problem for everyone – she was giving a suggestion as to how a girl can make herself stand out more – and no, not to make something up. Being passionate about something also shows that the girl is not just sitting around wasting away her time being single – she is using it productively. That’s a good thing.
    Imagine interviewing someone for a job – wouldn’t you quicker go for someone that is a leader and is passionate about things outside of his/her work and school? now, Lehavdil, apply that to Shidduchim.
    I think the poster has made a very good suggestion.

  29. #34 is the only one who makes sense. As someone who is quite passionate and has done, oh a whole slew of things, I haven’t seen that it helps — in fact it hurts. Guys don’t want to compete with their wives, or as one date told me, “I just want to come home and have a nice dinner, without discussing causes and philosophies.” But there is a truth that no one is saying, and that is that it is a frum problem. I have seen a trend lately of frum girls marrying non-frum guys. And that’s because they are a bit less Mefunakim — they don’t demand a dira in Israel, don’t have a cut-off age, don’t need a yichus match, etc. Unfortunately, last month, another girl I know did that kinda shidduch. I don’t blame her one bit.

  30. To #30:

    I hate to say this: It doesn’t change the mitzius! This Kefira statement say’s “Hashem, stay out – we found the problem on our own!” We don’t need your help!” “This is all a man made problem – nothing to do with you!” Sounds a lot like Bar Kochva! All those who believe this garbage have no Chelek in Olam Haba! Kefira is Kefira is Kefira!

    A lot of this nonesense comes from the dumming down of Yiddishkiet. When we are machshiv “singers/performers/politicians more than Rabbonim.

  31. Hmmmm lets see how we can make money off this crisis!! Thats what nasi is all about. Until i see a name including a list of rabonim signed on it, i wont believe a word. Next

  32. I once heard a vort from a very clever old Chusid

    ‘Mir darft zei chasuna machen far zei bakimin Seichel’

    ‘You’ve got to marry them off before they get clever’

    IE, the older the girl, the harder to marry them off. At 17, they’ll accept a decent good Bochur. At 21 they want to pick and choose something special. Get them married off quickly!

  33. Right to & to the point #18! today’s shidduch crisis=MIDDOS CRISIS!! We have never seen so many broken engagements or divorces ever! its all about middos!(mostly, not talking about abusive cases)

  34. Parent You should take some blame. this is NO good this is No good what are pple going to say about us if we go in to this family or a boy from that yeshiva or girl from that school NO No PARENTS IT IS You. I gat married at 30.

  35. Nice idea, however, what should the girls who just don’t have a passion do? It’s good to have a talent and build on it, but the girls who just don’t have it in them are equally good and beautiful midos girls!

  36. Yichus Police! Calm down! You sound hysterical. It is not Kefira to try to understand how Hashem will let nature run its course. If we have created a an age gap, than we should take responsibility for it. Any time someone is suffering, would you stand by and not offer them support because Hashem will take care of it? I am not even writing this in support of the age gap theory. I don’t have enough facts to make an informed decision. You however need to stop your ranting.

  37. Bottom line-the system is producing girls that are a 100 times better than the boys. They are more educated, more put together, more considerate, etc.

  38. the problem is
    we don’t have Shadchonim
    every shul
    should have
    Vadd of men
    & Vadd of Women
    meating every week
    then ul have 10000 new shadchonim in klal yisroel

  39. Where is the emunah and bitachon? Hashem is mezaveg zivugim and nobody else! The reason for the shidduch crisis is that Hashem wants to send us a message! The message is that the chareidi world is one big sheker and now it is paying for it.

  40. ye 45# totally a maturity crisis. most people should not be getting married they are simply not mature enough to deal with it so they aren’t.

  41. I’ve been a shadchan for many many years..This is the problem today from my prospective:
    Overeducating the girls….boy’s don’t feel “Man” enough as the head of the household..
    Seminary not good enough…”which” seminary??
    Being “plain” eidel… good with exceptional middos don’t count for anything these days…A degree does!!!
    Boys believing that to excel in learning will get them the “great, talented…oh…not so simple girl”…instead of working on their middos!!!!
    The world has been turned upside down. The qualities that the Torah points out as to what to look for in a shidduch has long taken a road to nowhere.
    A girl who doesn’t pursue something “extra”, doesn’t STUDY “extra”..just wants to get married and set up a beautiful home where her husband can “lead”…(sorry feminists out there)that doesn’t make you less of a woman, just more so…woman have lost their femininity by taking on the role of MEN (studying…working etc. etc). I think the whole movement of girls pursuing “higher learning”….secular and hebrew…A must.. to have a degree in something or other…NO…that does not define you at all!!! NO!!! your passions don’t define you! Your middos, good character standing….your ability to be resilient in times when it is called for…your ability to be a patient wife and mother, your ability to “GEB NUCH”…The ability to MASTER THE QUALITIES ONE NEEDS FOR A SUCCESSFULL MARRIAGE… the things that defined our Imohos….Sara Rivka Ruchel and Leah…We have lost sight of it all.. The gashmios has taken over…money, kovod,yichus.. pursuit of extraneous things…it all distorted the whole concept of marriage and made it into some “race and competition”!!! It is none of that. It is each girl/boy for himself to find the right partner to bring out the best in them so that they can serve Hashem in the way that he expects of them.
    Not a day goes by where I don’t tell myself to give up and go on with MY life..
    I am pained by the “No’s”before I even have a chance to mention the name.
    I am pained by people being catagorized by status instead of middos
    I am pained by the process where everyone is “better than thou”…
    I am pained that we have taken it to a lower “Low” than anything I have ever experienced.
    I am pained that in a time where our seichel should rule…everything else but…does
    I am pained that MY PAIN…ISN’T ALSO ‘YOUR PAIN’…
    And that is why we are having a crisis. If people could come down a step off the ladder, age wouldn’t matter….as they say.
    I’m sorry…but I’m in “THE KNOW”

  42. How come no one answered Meir’s question way back at #13? What about boys who need shidduchim?? All these bashers of boys and age gap enthusiasts are ignoring the many boys- YES boys!- out there who are getting older and still single. Of course with the boys we can always blame it on their wicked mothers. Single younger girls- we feel so sorry for, they are all tzidkanios. Mothers of boys- also female and Jewish, but at a different stage in life- are all wicked evil. There is no easy solution here and allowing the girls to wallow in self pity and feel victimized does not solve any problems. There are plenty of girls and girls’ mothers out there who behave with a complete lack of consideration and decency.

  43. I got married at 23 and my father did not give a penny of support. not one penny. Anyway, once a guy said yes but he was in the freezer. A week before the freezer was out, he said he will only date if my fathe pledges 1000 a month for 5 years and my father felt so bad for me that he said he would pay for it. I told him now way – I am not a piece of merchandise and I did not go out with him. I do see his wife occasionally and all I can think is oy vey.

  44. The boys think they are so great so they could command a price.

    the only one that loses out in life is the girl/wife who will just have to work harder and not be available to raise her children properly and happily.

  45. Oy vey (14, beautiful!

    I want to see an article geared to the boys on what they need to do to be prepared for shidduchim and marriage….


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