A Reader Writes: We Are Ruining Our Children’s Shidduch Chances

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shidduch-crisisDear Editor,

We, as a frum community, are ruining our children’s lives and futures when it comes to shidduchim. The main reason that there is a shidduch crisis for the past few years is because we are greedy for money and honor and will not let our children go out on any dates with those who are not well-to-do or have yichus. That means that our good kids who sit at home at the age of 21, 22, 23 and up and are not yet married are sitting and waiting until the prince charming or princess charming comes along – with all the money and yichus of course.

Then people are all surprised that there is an increased percentage of divorce in the community. And people are surprised that all the families who are not well-to-do or don’t have yichus are still sitting and waiting for the right one to come. Well, it’s no surprise.

Stop taking so long to investigate every shidduch that comes your way. Sometimes it can take a few good months of investigating until a parent will allow their child go out with a prospective shidduch. Please stop this. You are wasting your child’s time and future. Stop being foolish. Give your child the freedom to make his/her choice…

Fed Up

38 COMMENTS

  1. Yawn. For every girl waiting for a call, there is a boy who also is not married. For every non yichused girl there is an equal number of non yichused boys. You want a shidduch crisis? Go back to the middle ages when under-12 girls were being shadchened to fifty year old men because there were no young men.

  2. to #2-

    They are Considered old by whom ?

    by the 20-21-22-23 year old guys who these girls are still insisting on depiste their gettig older?
    possibly!

    by a 25 -26-27 year old boy?? I dont think so!

  3. Try telling a nice girl or boy who know very little about what it would be like to be married if they would CONSIDER COMPROMISE. Do they really want to get married badly enough to make compromises on such issues?

  4. What does stop investigating have to do with the issue of money and yichus you mentioned. If you said stop looking for money/yichus that would make sense. However why not investigate?????

  5. was recently involved with a shidduch. i now understand why there is a crisis. it is a combination of the kids and thier parents that have as they say in hebrew” djukim bamoach”. it is not exactly what i am looking for etc etc. the way things are done in eretz yisroel is much better. a boy and girl will be engaged by the third or fourth date. dont think into things so much. married couples are not happier here that they go out so many times and think about every little nuance. just meet and if it looks good get engaged. things will work out well.

  6. all snide comments aside, their is a major shidduch problem. I think that boy’s today have their priorities messed up. they either want wealth or a size 0 model. what happened to a girl with great middos with a head on her shoulders. wake up boy’s, because money is here today & gone tomorrow, and looks can be very deceiving. If you look in the mirror you will see that you are not perfect.

  7. To Comment 8:
    How do you explain the many girls recently enganed who are neitehr 0 size model types and most of them whos famillies are low to moderate incomes??

  8. if the guys who are learning are being supported by the inlaws or the parents, what will happened in the next generation when those guys who are learning will have to support their kids but will not be able to because they have no money because they will be learning themselves

  9. What we need is a shidduch traing course for parents and kids. Everyone in the family has their own agenda and meshgaasen. It’s extremely important to get info, but know what to ask. Take the course.

  10. I’ve said this several times before on this website- there ARE girls getting married from modest incomes, no ‘fancy’ yichus…
    There are actually people who are realistic- you just have to find them.
    But it is important to investigate- if you are looking for important things- not silly ones.
    Midos is #1 on my list when I look for my children; everything else is secondary since of what good is one’s yichus if the person doesn’t know how to be a good husband or father?

  11. Today, when people talk about looking for “middos”, they don’t mean “character traits”, they mean “measurements” (i.e. waist, wallet, etc.)

    🙂

  12. TO THE WRITER OF THIS ARTICLE RIGHT, YET SO WRONG.

    tHE PROBLEM ISNT PEOPLE CHECKING OUT PROSPECTUS BOYS OR GIRLS FOR A LONG TIME , IT’S NOT CHECKING THEM OUT FOR A LONG TIME. vIHAMEIIN YAVIN

  13. Its all a whole load of pathetic rubbish!!!!!!!!!
    Families shouldn’t be so fussy its okay to date some1 that doesn’t come from the exact same type of background as you do!
    parents should sto being so interfering and let their children meet etc to make up their minds.
    its no wounder theres a crisis 2daY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. There is something to be said for coming from a “better” home.Man and woman are different enough; the more similarities they have, the better. I would agree that a poor, non-yichus young man or woman should not seek money or yichus primarily, but why shouldn’t someone who has it seek someone similar? Similar backgrounds lay the foundation for an easier adjustment. Why should one have to marry something he doesn’t want just b/c he’s considered older?

    What’s so wrong with wanting something similar to yourself? What’s so wrong with wanted to live a comfortable life? What’s so wrong with wanted to be associated with Torah greatness? How I wish I could say to my children, “Do you know who your grandfather was? You are so lucky to come from him, now be like him!”

    Yes, I know many couples who are SOOOOOOOO different and live happily ever after despite, or inspite, of those differences. But be honest. If you are on the level that you need money to feel comfortable with a shidduch, seek it. If you are on the level that you need to have yichus in a shidduch, go for it. Don’t settle for less, because if you feel like you’ve settled, one day you’ll wake up and say to yourself, “OMG, what did I do? Why wasn’t I honest with myself?” and then it will be too late and you will have ruined a very wonderful person’s life (albeit that she has no money or yichus)

  15. Its said that girls and women who are not even Jewish or not religious have more derech eretz and middos than frum girls who are taught their whole life in school to have middos

  16. It’s funny reading everyone’s comments- everyone has their own agenda. Stick to what’s important to you. If you don’t know if it’s realistic or just being picky (I can’t answer for yw), ask a rav if you have a right to demand the fancy yichus or wealth. If it’s something coming to you, then fine, but not everyone is impressed with those things. If you only want those things to show off who your mechutanim are, then you are probably doing it out of gayvah. But if you really feel you need it for realistic purposes, then do so.
    A rich girl shouldn’t feel she has to marry a boy from a modest home, unless she could handle it. Just like a rosh yeshiva’s daughter might not feel comfortable in a balabuse’s home.
    But many girls and boys from ‘regular’ homes shouldn’t feel like they are settling by marrying people similar to them. You are not marrying a name brand- you have a child making a decision to be comfortable with the person- not the family or the status.
    Besides, in the eyes of Hashem, do we really know what’s precious? An ehrliche balabus might be greater in status in Hashem’s eyes than a gvir who supports his town or a rosh yeshiva. We live in an upside down world and we’ll never know who is more special.
    So ‘status’ (by our short-sighted standards) in a marriage is not as important as to the ikur of the person- is he honest? Is he ehrlich? Is he caring? Will he be the type to care about his wife and take good care of his children? Does he easily get angry? Is he a bal loshon hara? Does he smoke? Does he drink at every occasion?
    May we all merit yeshuos speedily and may Tu B’Av be celebrated in Yerushalayim as it was meant to be.
    .

  17. can we just stop blaming ppl for problems in the world?its the nisayon of our dar ppl arent picky in europe there was no money here their shidduch etc…

  18. I’m glad Moshe speaks on behalf of ALL guys. I could tell you several girls I know who are not wealthy (understatement!) and got married. Maybe the guys that Moshe knows all want to marry rich girls.
    Marrying a rich girl often comes with a price tag- you have to know if you could ‘afford’.

  19. If Bochurim would get married at a younger age, thier would be more Bochurim thus minimizing the shidduch crisis in which 23 year ols are getting marrid toages 18 & up, so the older ones are left out.It is high time we change this trend of detrution. If a bochur can go to Eretz Yisroel without hashgocha – runing around bein hazmanim, it would be better to go as a Youngerman in a setteled atmophere. That would keep an equale ballance of gender & BS”D solve the problem. Their are also many fine Kollelim in the USA that are starving for Yungerlite. LaHashem Hayeshua.

  20. 24 – and some girls in Europe with no dowries didn’t get married.

    26 – I don’t think the answer is to marry off boys younger. They may have the requisite middos and menschlichkeit but they won’t be any more resourceful or able to shoulder life’s burdens.

    And as far as boys only going to E”Y once married, that will necessitate a LOT of money. Not all the high paying jobs the girls have are easily transferable and there are many parents who simply can’t support their married children (tuition crisis, anyone?).

  21. I am frankly shocked by some of these comments. How can you people call yourselves frum? You may think you are frum, but you are not. Something is inherently wrong with parents and educators within the “frum” community who are teaching their children that what is important in life is yichus and money. Someone who is truly frum, lives their lives by the true torah values of good midot, kindess, generosity, and something you may not have heard of: HUMILITY. The greatest torah scholars in history were famous for their humility-although they in fact were the ones most deserving of recognition. Perhaps it would do all of us good to develop this character trait in ourselves and our children, instead of the sense of entitlement, arrogance and superiority so many seem to have.
    Looks fade, money can disappear, but the true essence of of a good kind and caring spouse will remain forever. I feel sorry for those people whose torah values have become so perverted and distorted-or perhaps they never had them in the first place.

  22. #10 has brought up a very important point – one that should be giving us nightmares.

    You can see it now when people in chinuch find it harder to find shidduchim for their girls because they can’t afford the gifts and support.

    In a few years a far larger number of people will be in the same boat. When the fathers and the shvers are no longer supporting, and the costs are too great for the wife’s salary to cover, then what? It is no longer possible to get a job in real estate or financial services, where previous training and education aren’t so important.

    What will happen to our yungermen and their families when they try to get a job with almost no secular education and no job training? How many families will break up under the strain? How many children will go off the derech because of the difficult situation at home? How many people will become seriously depressed?

    If you are somech on a nes and believe that Mashiach is coming tomorrow then fine…. But otherwise, we are sitting on a time bomb, and it will make the shidduch crisis look like small change.

  23. people would rather be depressed and poverty stricken later than not get a shidduch now. until girls start helping the world by not focusing on a specific amount of learning. we will continue having such letters.

  24. Add to depressed and poverty stricken, married to a smoker who can’t quit, among other things desperate young women (who have no reason for such desperation) will do.

  25. “Today, when people talk about looking for “middos”, they donÂ’t mean “character traits”, they mean “measurements” (i.e. waist, wallet, etc.”

  26. “You can see it now when people in chinuch find it harder to find shidduchim for their girls because they canÂ’t afford the gifts and support.

    In a few years a far larger number of people will be in the same boat. When the fathers and the shvers are no longer supporting, and the costs are too great for the wifeÂ’s salary to cover, then what? It is no longer possible to get a job in real estate or financial services, where previous training and education arenÂ’t so important.

    What will happen to our yungermen and their families when they try to get a job with almost no secular education and no job training? How many families will break up under the strain? How many children will go off the derech because of the difficult situation at home? How many people will become seriously depressed?

    If you are somech on a nes and believe that Mashiach is coming tomorrow then fineÂ…. But otherwise, we are sitting on a time bomb, and it will make the shidduch crisis look like small change”.

  27. Too many people writing in are leaving out something very basic from their logic: Hashem. The importance of yichus, dowry, etc. was settled in Bereishis. Hashem said so. The Avos supported their Talmidei chachamim children even though they lived in tents, not apartments. When did we become smarter about things than the Avos? Too many parents complain about supporting talmidei chachamim while they have big houses, cars, and all the rest. That’s chillul Hashem because if they can’t or won’t support Talmidei chachamim it sounds as if Hashem does not or can not (chas veshalom) really provide.

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