The Matzav Rant: The Work of the Shadchan

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shadchanBy Shmuel Miskin

The topic of shidduchim is on so many people’s minds, and for this rant, I’d like to share not my own feelings, but the thoughts of a friend of mine who is a shadchan. So here goes:

Many people feel that there are not enough shadchanim out there; some have suggested that everyone should try to redd a shidduch a day. The age-gap issue has also been publicized as a serious – if not the most serious – matter that needs to be addressed.

Either way, as a shadchan, I would like to explain just a drop of what one goes into redding and being involved in shidduchim. Let’s put aside the appreciation and acknowledgment that one should be shown for spending so much time and koach working on shidduchim. But if people would just be more mentchlich to the very people taking the time and effort to think of them, there would be a lot more shadchanim out there.

Redding shidduchim is not a simply chessed that one does. It is working 24/7 getting things together. You can’t always reach people or they just laugh it off. It can take weeks upon weeks, or even longer, until an idea is even considered by one side.

So please, even if you don’t feel a shidduch is for you, take the time to show appreciation to the shadchan who is spending so much effort at all hours of the day. You also don’t have to wait for the shadchan to call when you have your answer. Pick up the phone and call the shadchan. They don’t always know when you have something to say.

Now, about shadchanus, we all know that getting married costs thousands. Why is the shadchanus fee not included? Even if your shidduch didn’t take the shadchan a few months to make, all the months that they worked non-stop is not recognized. I would also like to suggest that if one redds a shidduch and there were some dates or the shadchan has spent a considerable amount of time with a specific shidduch, a few dollars should be sent as hakaras hatov.

I know that there are large families out there struggling to marry off their children and pay for the chasunah expenses, but just as important as the fees of the caterer, musicians and photographers should be the shadchan’s fee to keep them going.

Just like the mosdos and tzedakah organizations are kept going by the more affluent people, it should be arranged for shadchanim to be paid decently.

Call back shadchanim, show appreciation, and of course, include the shadchan’s fee in your wedding expenses and we will have a lot more people out there working for the singles.

 {Shmuel Miskin-Matzav.com Newscenter}

20 COMMENTS

  1. sorry to say that its a load of rubbish why should someone pay a schadchen if the schiduch did work and if the schiduch did work then he gets paid and if it did not work then there is no reason he should get paid and by the way if schedchonim will no what they were talking not just calling up to suggest a schiduch they would not be working so hard

  2. how about the shadchanim calling back even when there is a negative answer (or no answer) from the other side!!!!! I am sick and tired of giving a answer to the shadchan and then never hearing back from them

  3. IF EVERYONE WOULD REALIZE THAT SHIDDUCHIM ARE MIN HASHAMAYIM MAYBE THEY WOULD STOP BLAMING THE SHADCHANIM WHO ARE BUSY DAY AND NIGHT PUTTING THEIR OWN LIVES AND FAMILIES ON THE BACK BURNER ONLY TO BE CALLED LIARS NO ONE COULD BE PROPERLY COMPENSATED FOR THE AGGRAVATION AND TIME SPENT WORKING ON A SHIDDUCH. AND I MEAN WORKING AS IF IT WAS YOUR OWN FAMILY MEMBER. BUT BY THE SAME TOKEN THAT WE WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED WITH MENTCHLICHKEIT I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT THERE MIGHT BE SOME PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT AS SENSITIVE AS THEY SHOULD BE SO LET US ALL TRY TO BE DAN LEKAF ZCHUS AND IN THAT ZCHUS MAYBE THE SO CALLED CONTRIVED “SHIDDUCH CRISIS” WIL BE A THING OF THE PAST,IY”H!

  4. Screaming Shaliach –
    If you *truly* believed that you are merely a messenger, then you would stop shouting and acknowledge that if you were to go back to your own business, Hashem would find another shaliach to do His holy work.
    Stop martyring yourself.

  5. A shadchan-from the parnasah angle-is like a commission salesman. He gets paid only if & when the sale is made. If the sale is not made, he does not receive a penny-regardless of his effoorts to make the sale.

  6. Actually, those that hold it is proper to give some form of a (perhaps small) gift to any shadchan that puts in effort to set up ones child, even when it doesn’t work out, as hakaras hatov for their efforts.

  7. I TRULY DO BELIEVE THAT I AM MERELY A SHALIACH(#6 IT”S AMAZING HOW YOU CAN HEAR ME SHOUTING!)I WOULD LOVE TO GO BACK TO HAVING PEACEFUL, QUIET EVENINGS, RELAXING W/O THE PHONE INTERRUPTING OR JUST BEING AT A SIMCHA AND NOT HAVING TO MEET EVERY ELIGIBLE SINGLE & THEIR MOTHER BUT I AM BY NATURE A CARING SYMPATHETIC PERSON(CREDIT GIVEN TOTALLY TO MY WONDERFUL CHINUCH BY LOVING CARING PARENTS, WHICH YOU UNFORTUNATELY APPEAR TO BE LACKING)HOWEVER, THE NACHAS THAT I B”H SHEP FROM THE COUPLES THAT I WAS ZOCHE TO BE THE RIGHT SHALIACH FOR, GIVE ME THE MUCH NEEDED CHIZUK NOT TO THROW IN THE TOWEL AND CHANGE MY PHONE #!!!

  8. If you are not ready to pay the shadchan up front – dont call them. Also – withholding payment from Shadchanim is halachically wrong and may bring bad consequences upon the shidduch

  9. So this was just an appeal for a friend of yours and nothing wrong with that, at all. I never heard of needing to give a shachun money for a shiduch that never happend. being respectfull is another story and the same gos for shadchonim. I know a shadchin that tells people that they dont deserve better.

  10. To the shadchan:
    I come from a home where several of my close relatives are accomplished shadchanim.
    Although the people who posted on this website are unappreciative and think that shadchanim are liars, negative kvetches, those are the people shadchanim stay away from. Let them find their own zivugim if life is that easy.
    My relatives are inundated with people wherever they go, seeking their expertise, so there are plenty of people who know how much they are needed.
    It’s unfortunate that some shadchanim give a bad rap to all the good ones, while the kefuyai tov recipients also give a bad rap to those seeking shidduchim.
    I am jealous of anyone who has made successful shidduchim, as you have to your credit the doros which will result from each shidduch.
    And ultimately Hakodosh Boruch HU will reward you for your efforts, even if they are not always appreciated on this earth.
    Tizku l’mitzvohs.

  11. # 5 and # 12, Just the Shliach: You must be new to the internet. It is considered bad internet etiquette to write in all CAPS (i.e. large capital letters). This should be done on a very rare and sparing basis. All caps is considered electronic “shouting”.

  12. I guess the Divrei Chaim wasnt as smart as you #6,7,8,9,10.
    The Heilige Divrei Chaim always gave shadchonus to anyone who redt him an appropriate shidduch for his children.Thank Hashem that you were here to set the record straight. No one says to give every shadchan money . The point made was to have the Yiddishe Midda Toiva of Hakuras Hatoiv. Since you dont have this midda i wonder what that means. Are there any redeeming good middos that youy do have besides attacking well meaning overworked and insulted shadchonim. I read somewhere that a Godol told a Klal worker not to expect any thanks for what he did. He should be happy if they dont spit in their face. i guess that Just A Shliiach is lucky that this is only an online posting.

  13. I love how everyone here is talking about mentshlachkeit and being nice to other people while writing horrible things about the other Jews who are writing on this website. Think a little about what you’re saying and what Hakadosh Baruch Hu must think of his children who talk like this to one another! As the old saying goes- if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!

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