Dear [email protected],
Since your website is an integral part of so many Torah homes today, I feel it is an appropriate place to raise this issue.
Boruch Hashem, I have many children residing in a thriving Jewish town, most in developments where tens of young, frum couples just like them live side by side in rows of townhouses or even single homes. This may seem idyllic in some ways, and indeed it is. There is a built-in beautiful frum atmosphere. There are great neighbors and friends for the kids.
All these wonderful things notwithstanding, the issue of privacy comes up. Indeed, I have noticed that my older children have fences between their homes and their neighbors’ properties. Small as the yards may be, at least the kids have their own space (when they are not with friends anyway), and one’s backyard does not become a public thoroughfare.
When I noticed that my younger children did not have fenced properties, I assumed they simply had not gotten around to it yet, being that these are newer developments. How surprised I was to learn that the younger couples seem to think that fences are an intrusion on others’ ‘right of passage’ and have been made to look snobby, as if we wish to keep separate from others. In these developments, fences are frowned upon, if not outright ruled out.
Now, as someone who has worked all my adult years while my children benefited from a yeshiva and kollel education, I would never dream of lecturing them in Torah, or expounding on the Jewish values of privacy and tznius. Who am I to tell them about “Ma tovu ohalecha Yaakov?” Who am I to show learned people the tens of meforshim who deal with this posuk and learn from it the overriding value of privacy in Yiddishkeit? Besides, no one today is really qualified to give mussar, so I wouldn’t dream of going through the Sefer Peleh Yoetz for example, where he writes (in Shochein) that the best of neighbors should erect a fence between themselves, with a gate for passage when needed.
I will therefore not dwell on that. What I cannot fathom, however, is how these couples seem unaware of the most basic of understandings among human beings for hundreds of years. Everyone knows that “good fences make good neighbors.” Indeed, in the very town where my children live, there are groups of undesirable, almost criminal, elements who live together. Some of them reside with many families living in overcrowded homes.
And for crying out loud, what about finances? Properties are worth more when they are fenced in. Yes, even townhouses. This is a universally recognized value. Then there is safety – something we should never compromise in, no matter what. Children, especially in these quiet, low-traffic neighborhoods, get used to just running off at will. Is it not our responsibility to ensure basic safety measures, such as fencing in our properties?
I understand that aesthetics might play a part in how we go about this. In more crowded developments, this may be harder to achieve. That’s why I felt it vital to remind couples of just how important a value they may be abandoning. Once we realize the overriding value, we will find ways to achieve it.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Parent
{Matzav.com}
Dear Concerned parent
Why does every silly thought have to be a “thing” with a crusade and call to arms.
I f you want a fence build a fence. If you think your kids should have fences tell them.
Have a great day
Now you wake up, lets be honest there is NO privacy in theses developments. I agree with you that its a problem however we have ignored that issue by default as housing is a bigger issue. When families ae young its great as the kids can play eyc.. Its as the crowd matures and littles kids are now teenagers its a HUGE issue not to mention the adults comparing …
it is what it is and your article will NOT change anything but thanks for pointing it out.
Concerned, very nice that you think your kids that have learned for years should not be guided, however a parents achriyos of chinuch never ends.
Worry about your kids and maybe thier friends and neighbors will take the home ny
Dear ‘Concerned Parent’,
Do you know what is even more “vital to remind of just how important a value may be being abandoned”, and an even greater “overriding value” to “realize” and “achieve”? The answer is…
Having a conversation with your children!
Besides for feeling the need to waste our time with your petty concerns, and publicize – for heaven’s sake!? – your non-question on a news site, if you want to understand or encourage your kids to do something, then either ask them, or help them do it. If it were something serious, then as a last resort, take them to a din Torah.
But leave us out of it, and learn to be a mature parent. And forget this tiny issue, when there are much bigger matters of concern in the world – my kids should have a fence – for crying out loud!
(By the way, you misunderstand the maaleh of “Ma tovu ohalecha Yaakov”, at least according to a little-known meforash called… Rashi. He explains their zchus is that they didn’t look at others, not that they stopped others from seeing in to them.)
they live in ideal and you want to destroy it?
THIS is your concern??? BH for for idyllic life.
As someone who lives in one of those developments I don’t think privacy is such a concern. No one is looking into my shades. It is an issue that people seem to have no respect for other people’s property.
Why do people think they have the right to play ball on my (small) lawn without my permission? Why am I the bad guy for putting up a gate, something I never would have done had people not been hanging out on my property without asking me?
These people all learned in Yeshiva for many years and should be very familiar with the sugyas in Hashutfin and Lo Yachphor on this topic
The solution is VERY simple:
Offer to built “The Fences” wherever necessary at your cost.
Its Quick. Its Simple. and will let you sleep at night.
Ah. You’ll say: I can’t afford all those fences. Well maybe the others cant afford them either.
Now you can turn over from your left side to your right side and go back to sleep.
Don’t be so concerned. As long as your kids get fully vaccinated and wear their disposable masks correctly 24/7, they’ll live a blissful pain free life forever.
its not tznies to see what the other people have and do…
Kudos to this parent for preserving old-fashioned Torah values and common sense.
החכם עיניו בראשו – קהלת ב:יד
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Perhaps a contemporary Rav or gadol can be engaged to speak about this matter and educate the olam about it.
its a shame the writer didnt bring up the real problem. The breach in social norms about what is private and what is not. Every spat with a spouse, is not fodder for the playground or coffee room. Neither is someone elses finances. The list goes on. Fences or not, the idea that everything going on is a persons life, every thought that pops into their head every narishkeit that they encounter is to be shared with the whole world, is a greater problem than a cheap home depot fence that can go up in 2 hours.
This is a very important concern.
I don’t live in a development, but I live in a city with a very “yentish” block. All the women and kids are out from when the kids are home from school until it gets dark, and then sometimes even after that (we have street lamps in front of every house).
THEY SEE EVERYTHING.
The girls can’t date from their homes without being seen.
The families cannot buy anything new without being seen.
This is not the way Jews should live.
We should not be out all day and all night long, looking at everyone else.
I agree with the letter writer.
I actually live in such a development. I wanted to put up a fence however the homeowners association did not allow me to. These developments all have homeowners associations and some of them might actually have rules…
Why not take your concerns to a Rav, yours or theirs, and then present the answer to them?
Nah. Today, people who have gripes, go online and write letters to Matzav. That will solve all klal yisroel’s problems. Having people like me leave comments. Gee, why didn’t the previous dor know of such aitzos?
Too much time 9n your hands
Better question- How to politely ask neighbors to mind their own business and NOT look into my home (yes we close our blinds and have high fences). My neighbor comments on my comings and goings, whether we are sitting indoors or out, etc. Mind you, when we had a break in and robbery, and I could have used her, she was quiet. Is there a polite way to answer when told, I notice you…..(were sitting outside, opened / closed your windows/doors , going out, came home late….)
As is very often the case, Chazal have addressed the issue. In the beginning of Bava Batra. Chazal discussed the need for high fences between individual properties on the basis of privacy, *hezek reiyah*. However, as noted earlier, homeowners associations do not permit such. And even where there is no homeowners association, local building codes or zoning laws often prevent such. Perhaps someone more learned can comment in more detail, sharing how the Rishonim and Poskim address these issues?