Dear [email protected],
I usually contain my impulses to write to websites, but after reading something on Matzav.com not long ago, I feel compelled to comment.
I feel that it is every parent’s vital obligation to talk to their children. Do parents fail to recognize that their primary challenge as parents is their career in educating their children? You, as a parent, have the obligation to educate yourself to do the best job possible with each and every one of your offspring. It is your responsibility to form a bond and relationship with your child in the short years that we have, because once your child has matured into an opinionated teenager it is probably too late to start opening a line of communication with them. You cannot impose a relationship at a time when it is hardest for the recipient to accept.
So, if you find yourself being a parent who is lacking the skills to communicate and teach your child regarding some sensitive and delicate issues, don’t throw the job at the yeshiva. Go talk to your rov, because you are the one who’s ultimately responsible for your child. Remember, it is your child.
If you don’t feel comfortable discussing delicate issues with your child, how do you think your child will feel when they need to discuss delicate issues and don’t feel comfortable talking to their own parents?
Children need to know that their parents are there for them in all aspects of life, and not only when it comes to telling them which candy they may or may not eat!
A Matzav Reader
You failed to note that there are excellent parenting classes by Yirei Shamayim to help develop the tools we need as parents in order to fulfill this very important task. Due to the holocaust, many parents grew up without good role models needed to develop proper parenting skills. Every neighborhood should organize parenting skill classes. Its never too late to learn.
Such a well written letter!
What was left out of your comments, is that a good therapist might be an aitza tova. Not every Parent has gotten over the trauma that they got from their parents.
Interesting rant. Are you being deliberately vague?
I think two good questions to ask ourselves in this regard is “When was the last time I took a walk alone with my child?” and “How frequently do I take a walk with my child?” I have always found that a walk together with one child only gives the child a feeling of chashivus and self-esteem and is a perfect opportunity, out of the house away from the rest of the family, to discuss things on the child’s mind that may not be public information for the rest of the children.
I have a brother who is an elementary grade Rebbi. He says parents today don’t know how to say no to their children. I didn’t write doesn’t say no they don’t know how to say no. But even worse they afraid to discipline because they fear their kid will go OTD. Just like every chosen kallah goes to a Rebbi Every parent should go to parenting classes.
Every parent should not go to a parenting class!
1) Who is promoting this one size parenting class business?
2) Who are the brilliant experts administering these parenting classes? What are their qualifications?
3) Is a secular social work degree considered “qualified”?
A: All admit that social workers are woefully undertrained. (Some may have a natural inclination, so that can be good. Same with hard workers. But the training itself is a joke.)
B: The secular idea of parenting is often at great odds with Judaism. Remember, one of the reasons Hashem chose Abraham is – כי ידעתיו למען אשר יצוה את בניו ואת ביתו אחריו ושמרו דרך ה’
Perhaps one of the greatest problems is that we’re too involved with imitating the failed secular culture and parenting.
4) The only people who can dare tell others Bnei Yisroel how to parent their children are people who have proper hashkofos as well as a true understanding of someone else’s personality. No two people are the same. And therefore, they each will have their own parenting style – which is the way it should be.
5) Animals don’t need parenting classes, as it’s natural. Same with Yidden. They will seek guidance when necessary. But for them to try to fit into some social work intern’s ideas for parenting, prior to even having children,is a recipe for disaster.
Either you’re still single or you’re one of those Mr. /Mrs. Perfect who can’t phantom how someone can’t just say no or yes to their children. So let me introduce you to the real world where you have parents for many reasons don’t know how to discipline and they need guidance from a trained professional.
Either you’re still single or you’re one of those Mr. /Mrs. Perfect who can’t phantom how someone can’t just say no or yes to their children. So let me introduce you to the real world where you have parents for many reasons don’t know how to discipline their children and need professional guidance. I personally had an issue with one of children and B”h we found a good therapist recommended by the yeshiva. This therapist (social worker) was a chasdishe young man, had a hard time talking English, but he was excellent and really helped us.
When a person rebukes his friend, he has to be sure that his goal is his friend’s improvement. What are you, dear letter writer, referring to? I did not see a letter discussing and describing the benefits of a warm, consistent parent-child relationship. I don’t see you discussing and describing the benefits of this relationship where the clear differences between the role of the parent and the role of the child maintained.
What are you getting at? Are you in the business of selling parenting classes? I’m sure you’ll agree that the book With Hearts Full of Love by Rav Matisyahu Solomon is a great place to start. To understand what his opinion of parenting courses is.
אמר רבי יוסי: המתכבד בקלון חברו אין לו חלק לעולם הבא (ירושלמי, חגיגה ב’ א’)
Again I’ll reference my brother the rebbi. In 2022 what seems so simple to many old timers is not so simple anymore. Many parents need guidance how discipline properly and how to say no properly. Many households have both parents working and many children ke”h. Reading a book often goes over their head. My brother tells me he called a parent about not doing homework the parent says I have X amount of kids i don’t have time to fight with him to do HW. In his yeshiva the yeshiva has a caterer who makes lunch so the lunch is good, yet the yeshiva had to make a rule no parent can bring store bought lunch to yeshiva. One parent told my brother but my son likes hot food from the store.
1) You concluded that homework is something that a parent needs to do with their child. And if the parent cannot or will not do it with their child, then the parent needs a parenting class to set them on track. Or, if they would have gone to parenting classes prior to their marriage, then they would be do homework with their child. Correct?
2) If a parent wants to send a more gashmiosdig lunch with their kid, then a parenting class would have solved that. Correct?
Thank you for your point.
Perhaps it’s the parent’s gashmios, spirituality and midos that can use some fine-tuning. I fail to see how a class that’s not geared specifically to his middos will accomplish much. In fact, it may cause lots of confusion.
You missed the entire point. Parents who bring home lunch for their children on an almost daily basis are scared if they tell their child eat school lunch or take a lunch from home they’ll starve and may ch”v go OTD. There are often larger issues involved as well. As far as homework no one knows the dynamics of a student’s home. It’s true some parents just can’t do it. In this case the parent was just overwhelmed. Sometimes a professional can help the parents with organization.
Not disagreeing with anything in the letter per se but the implication of the letter that if parents did a better job educating and forming a bond and relationship with their children in their pre teen years then they won’t have a difficult teenager on their hands later on is not always true.
Mommy bubby, delete your message and redo it yourself without the photo
As a bullying abuse-survivor, parenting lovingly, kindly, with an eye toward modeling and teaching accountability, responsibility, follow-through, generosity, honesty, gentleness, and above all, with a Rav, Rebbetzin, and p’skei halachah, I took and continue to take every recommended Torah class, including those focused on working on ourselves and our parenting. Unfortunately, two of my boys (both now adults) were beaten up by classmates during recess to the point of unconsciousness, and was told directly by 3 of their Rebbeim that they (the Rebbeim themselves) had not intended to “hit my boys quite that hard” — both boys had very swollen lips, one with a broken nose. Yes, the principal was informed, nothing was done, and all 3 Rebbeim are still there. Both boys were targeted by pedophiles, one, a Mesivta Rebbe, and the other, a parent, had regular visitation with his non-custodial sons at the yeshiva during school hours. What’s “wrong” with two of my boys such that they had such difficulties? Diagnosed learning disabilities. The school’s point of view? My faulty parenting (without ever asking me how I parent), e.g. how I actually parented — no potching, no raised voice, instead of, “Mommy, do I have to bentch?” It’s, “Mommy, do I get to bentch?” or “Mommy, is Shabbos over yet?” It’s, “Mommy, what time is it Shabbos until?” Amazing how much of a better parent I instantly was perceived to be when people found out who I was related to (in and out of chinuch) as well the truth of my newly quite-comfortably substantially-improved financial status. Worked out for my younger sons. Too late for my older ones. Situations are often more complicated than they may appear.
Please remove the photo above.
What’s wrong
what’s the point of the matzav schmooze it just brings hate every time .
This is my first time writing on one of these websites. I’m a bochur that unfortunately happened to get access to internet and naturally got caught up in it to the point that I look up and think to myself, “where did the last hour and a half go???” Bottom line is: Everyone’s gotta get a life!!! I just got to witness first hand some of the problems of the internet. I won’t even bring up the shmutz that I’ve been exposed to because a: it’ll cause most people reading this to redirect themselves to a website that will fulfill their desires such as the ones I’m referring to And b: because the censors will remove this message. HOLD YOUR THOUGHT! Before you start with the standard “grow up”, “get your head out the dirt”, “stop placing your issues on others”, “you need help” and all the other smart things that are shared by the non admitting baalei taavah on here, you know good and well that you’ve been there too and you share the same issues and struggles as every frum man, weather you admit it to yourself or not. Anyone that fights back against the fight regarding internet and technology is either evil or not ready or Willing to part from their taavos. Do me a favor, just recognize the issues before you poke fun at this “hippo critical letter of a baal taavah” or “cheap cry for help from some dirty minded bochur” and then and only then should you reopen the other tab you have open to continue pleasuring your body and destroying your soul. And as I said before, to all those that are just caught up in the petty (by also massively destructive) parts of the web such as this website, GET A LIFE!!
To the chashuve tzibur. Why are we having a fight over what countless gedolim have already spoken about. They said that everybody has room to grow in every area and parenting is no different.