The Matzav Rant: Do it Before the First Date

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dor-yeshorimBy Shmuel Miskin,

Everyone hopes or even assumes that the process called “shidduchim” will be a smooth one for them and they will find their bashert very easily. The single most important thing that one should do before starting this parsha – in my opinion – is to be tested by Dor Yeshorim. Dor Yeshorim tests should be taken care of before the first date.

This issue came to my mind once again after reading‘s article yesterday on genetic testing.

Some people ignorantly think, “There is nothing in my family,” or, “It will never happen to me,” or, “It’s only a few dates.”

Those thoughts went through the mind of a relative of mine as they waited for Dor Yeshorim results after going out four times with someone he felt could be “the one.” Remembering the phone call which broke the news to the boy’s mother still causes him to feel a pit in his stomach. Suffice it to say that it was a nightmare for everyone involved. All this could have been prevented with a 5-minute phone call.

Obviously, it was meant for this person to go through this nisayon, which, as an aside, made him much more sensitive to others and their personal situations.

I’ve heard numerous stories which were worse. In one instance, a boy on the way to his vort found out that he and his kallah weren’t genetically compatible. One of the happiest days of his life to date had turned into a day of tears.

In another instance a girl was redd her first shidduch after coming home from seminary over a year ago. The mother naively assumed that the first step was to check with Dor Yeshorim. After all, why should she spend hours doing further research if the boy and girl are not Dor Yeshorim compatible?

The shadchan refused to ask the boy for his Dor Yeshorim numbers, saying, “It’s no big deal and it’s not done yet.”

The mother asked why her daughter and entire family should invest time and emotional energy on two or three dates and only then check this out. Would she allow her daughter to go out with someone two or three times and only then find out whether he is Jewish?

“I don’t understand why I am being placed in the position of possibly hurting not only my daughter, wife and entire family, but the boy and his entire family as well, in addition to it being bittul zeman and a waste of money,” the mother told me.

It’s time we stop playing these ridiculous games. You’re in shidduchim? You’re going out? Submit your numbers to Dor Yeshorim before meeting even once. I have yet to hear a cogent argument to the contrary.

{Shmuel Newscenter}


  1. how about ask almost any gadol.
    Really, next time your at a wedding, ask a choshuv rosh yeshiva what he thinks, and virtually across the board they will tell you they should do it after a couple of dates.
    (I get my opinion based on myself and my friends having asked our various Rosh Yeshivos this very question)

  2. I agree 100% I always wondering why this wasn’t part of the “checking into” process. While making all the phone calls to check into the boy/girl just make one extra phone call to Dor Yisharim. It can save a lot of heart ache. Would you let your child go out with someone whom you didn’t hear such good information about? This is not any different! Why is being incompatable geneticly any different than being incompatable in personality or hashkafah?

  3. You are 1000% correct. If you want to actualize a change in this the best way to do it is have someone take this suggestion to the Roshei Yeshiva in Lakewood and Brooklyn. If they issue a statement or Kol Koreh on this everybody will do it. If they refuse . . .

  4. I totally agree. Also, by checking the D.Y. before the first date it will ensure that the bochur has had his blood test done. I have redt shidduchim where we had to go through the stress & agony of waiting for the results. B”h both times they were compatible but I try to remember to check if the boy has had his done especially if he’s young & just starting to date. I think it should be done in H.S. just like the girls do.
    I also believe that it is a parent’s responsibility to have their son tested before he starts dating.
    hatzlacha to everyone in the shidduch parsha

  5. my friend did not do it and unfortunatley today he has two taysachs or gauchers ( iforget which one ) children and the rabbis paskened they can’t have any more. the financial expense and physical toll it has on these people is enormous. they are hooked up to machines and need nurses 24/7. it aint worth it just spend the money and do it for sanitys sake .

  6. I agree totally but can someone tell me why someone (as mentioned in several comments, Roshei Yeshiva) would be against this taking place before a couple starts going out? I cant imagine why not.

  7. For “a cogent argument to the contrary” you could easily argue that for people who have already been dating for significant periods of time,that before every first date they wait for dor yeshorim’s “approval” would be illogical, further shlep out the process to a first date. Maybe by a third date which has more significance as the author suggests people should do it.

  8. Why cant all the high schools make the students get it out of the way, while they are in high school? Obviously these tests aren’t 100% accurate, and they advise redoing them every ten yrs, but most boys willl hopefully start dating before their test is outdated. It will save such a hassle later on, and that way noone will have to wait and put a relationship on hold in the future, when they have to wait for the results

  9. This is ridiculous. M’mah nafshach. If they’re not going to be compatible, after 2 or 3 dates shouldn’t kill a person. If they’re that seriously involved in a relationship after 3 dates they need a good psychologist. And if they are compatible then they didn’t waste their time making sure to be home when dor yesharim calls back for the other 100 possible girls he could’ve gone out with. If I would check dor yesharim before every date, i would be calling them 4 or 5 times a week. For what purpose!?

  10. In order for this to occur the boys need to have the blood work done beforehand which doesn’t always happen. But I do agree 100 percent and my husband and I did check after the second date.

  11. Most Gedolei Yisroel (if not all) sayNOT to do the test. I heard from Rav Elyashiv and Rav Chaim Kanyevsky that although it is not “asur” still it shouldnt be done (In fact Reb Chaim laughed and said “I didnt do it with my children”
    Rem Moshe Zatzal was against it (even though his name was on the origanal Pachkivilin years ago. Many (if not all) of the gedolim from 25 years ago were against it.
    Rav Matisyaho Solomon once told me that although he personally holds not to do it he told bachurim in Gateshead to do whatever their parents want.
    This is not a sheila for you to just say opinions

  12. There are organizations such as Bonei Olam who do genetic testing on embryos that are brought about through assisted reproductive technologies.B’Ezras H-shem when they are ready, they could have healthy normal children. I am sure it is worth asking a rav who specializes in these halachic matters.

  13. re comment # 11
    why does have to be that the process will get schlepped out
    the same way that all girls seminaries make the girls do it
    all post high school yeshivas that hae boys dating should require it
    perhaps the boys could spend the hour or two to take the test once and for all
    and have it mandatory rior to dating
    why can we use our common sense and not have to bother gedoile yisroel everytime we need to scratch our back or pick your nose

  14. #16:
    I attended a shiur by Rav Reuven Feinstein shlita and he said his father z’l did not hold of these tests, since they play G-d. You are correct on that.
    However, I do believe that many contemporary gedolim do hold of it now.
    That’s probably something to ask your rav and not go by someone else’s hearsay.
    Recently a cousin of mine told me certain rabbonim were against a certain ‘segula’ (not important the details) I decided to settle the score for myself and I asked my rav, and he told me it was not only permitted what I was doing but it was commendable!
    so it’s always good to ask your rav. Even if Rav Moshe z’l didn’t hold of dor yesharim, at least not initially, doesn’t mean that your rav paskens that way. It could be had he lived 30 more years, he would have changed his position. It’s not us to decide, but rather we don’t have to play guessing games with piskei halachos

  15. The problem with getting the test in highschool, which I did because the school offered/demanded it, is that 4 years later when you are ready for shidduchim and you call to see if you are compatible, they tell you that they have added another 4 tests and will not give any information, until all the tests are updated. Then you have to spend ANOTHER $250 to a company with too little transparency. There is nobody to talk to except some blood test technician who total vocabulary in the English language is “I don’t know”.

    While the cause is a VERY WORTHY cause, the secrecy and cost is greatly questionable.

  16. We had such a situation in our family. My sister was unofficially engaged – her l’chaim was supposed to be that night when we found out that the couple wass not compatible. My sister was not young and this was a real let down for us. Needless to say this took an emotional toll on the entire family. B”H, she got engaged a short time later. Since then a number of siblings have gotten married and we never checked before the shidduch began – no one is very emotionally attached before two or three dates.

  17. 16, if you have such a mesorah of tamim tihye, gezunteheit, but not everyone wants to sign up for it.
    I think also that for some people, a situation presents itself and there may not be time to do the checking. But to go more than 2 dates – why risk the heartbreak? Unfortunately we’ve spooked the other side when we asked for testing after the second date.
    This is a worthwhile rant.

  18. #16 where do u get this nonsense? there are no gedolim that object to the dor yeshorim concept!!what do u mean “I heard from Rav Elyashiv…” – that you got a phone call from them? or that u were there and heard this directly? to think that any gedolim would be against this and risk jewish children to have avoidable suffering is plainly idiotic.

  19. “shlep out”??!? (#11)
    “be home for the call”?!? (#14)

    Dor Yesharim calls back within 24 hours and they will gladly call your cellphone if you register it with them.

    Why all this dancing around? Three dates IS an emotional investment for these young people.

    If somebody balks at giving me their number, I’d be VERY SUSPICIOUS. No number – no date….

  20. 22, maybe there weren’t new tests added in the several years between my kids being tested and our submitting numbers, but we were NEVER held up due to new tests, etc. as you describe.

    Considering the gehinnom the family who inspired DY went through, I am in awe that they looked at their pain and tried to find ways to help others. I am sure they will reap rich dividends in Olam Haba, and hopefully see great nachas in Olam Hazeh too.

  21. To #18
    We called Bonei Olam for PGD info for CF. They would not even speak to us, since we got engaged knowing that we are carriers. They told us that they only fund for rare disorders that are not tested before marriage.


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