The Matzav Rant: Neophyte Shadchanim

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shidduchimBy Shmuel Miskin

I take umbrage with the notion of many people that the onus of redding shidduchim should be on young couples.

Young couples who have expended much effort and energy to redd shidduchim are often reluctant to do so. All too often, when placing a call to redd a shidduch, they get the feeling that they are the young inexperienced shadchan trying to convince some older, more-knowledgeable parent that So-and-so is good enough for their child. At least half the time, they hang up the phone feeling exasperated, intimidated and slightly embarrassed for even thinking of the idea in the first place.

 While I understand that parents of boys and girls have their hands full and dealing with the whole shidduch process can take a toll on one’s sanity and patience, at the same time, if people are going to preach to young couples about redding shidduchim, don’t forget to prepare them for the inevitable embarrassment, frustration and lack of appreciation.

Most recently, I know of a young married yungerman who redd a shidduch after weeks of contemplation. He was very convincing as he eloquently and patiently delivered the pertinent information, until the mother on the other line said, “Why are you so interested in redding this shidduch? Are you in it for the money?” He politely responded that he redds shidduchim because he feels it is his responsibility just like anyone else’s.” The mother pressed him again, “No, really, why are you redding this shidduch?”

The yungerman hung up the phone exasperated.

By all means, all young couples should redd shidduchim. But there has to be a certain level of understanding on the other side of the line if we are to expect these neophyte shidduchim to pick up the phone again to redd additional shidduchim in the future.

{Shmuel Newscenter}


  1. Let’s turn this around- I redd a boy a wonderful shidduch- great girl and family- it was nixed because his freinds wife who met him once said it wasn” good- Groise mavinta!!

  2. they ought to make an asifa for parents of marriageable shidduchim how to go about Shidduchim – how to make a resume, what demands they have a right to ask for up front, how they should talk to shadchonim, etc.
    They are more often than not – the problem why we have this so-called crisis. talk to any shadchan and your hair would stand up about out-of-touch parents can be and too often are.

  3. I disagree. Most people are very appretiative of the good -will jesture of anyone redding a shidduch. There is absolutley no reason why every young couple (i’m not saying during sheva brochos)should sit down with their wedding albums and try to redd shidduchim to their friends. I am shocked to see how friends are in “seventh heaven” and don’t remember there single friends who are struggling with shidduchim.

    If singles have to rely on so called “professional shaddchanim” then it is a very bitter situation.

    Hashem should help and all those looking for shidducim should be zoche to find their zivug
    in the very very near future.

  4. I agree 100%. And tell those mothers that make the young shadchanim feel stupid, that if they continue to act this way their kids will stick around for a very long time. NO person wants to deal with a mother like that.

  5. well written…. I am a shadchan. doing it for 17 years .I feel that this problem (if solved) can help the shidduch issue.Parents must learm how to behave to someone who takes the time to redd a shidduch(yes even if the suggestion was off base) If someone is arrogant to me ill let them know how i feel a yungerman or young vabel wont they will just stop redding shiduchim ..always thank the shadchan for thinking of uand for doing this great mitzva who knows your chizuk might get them to continue and be matzliach

  6. I have had a slightly different experience, where mothers sound interested (or make themselves sound interested) and then never respond either way. And if I call back to find out if they did any research, they ask again, “what was her name, what did you tell me about her…” as if I never called in the first place. Sometimes I feel like they are not even giving it a chance because I’m too young (mind you – I’m married with two children…).

  7. I have seen many shidduchim that could have worked if the shadchan had been older. Young people need to get LIFE EXPERIENCE which comes with maturity.

    We need the young folks to generate ideas – after all, they know their peers better – but it’s very wise to ask someone older to be the shadchan.

    We recently had a young veibel redt something. We told her that really someone else had suggested the name previously (it was true) but mainly we were more comfortable having the older person use her life experience & tact to make sure things would go smoothly.

  8. I agree with #7. The young couples should redd shidduchim, but they should not get insulted if the parents prefer to go with an older, more experienced shadchan who knows how to smooth the inevitable bumps that crop up.

    We recently married off our son, and if the shadchan had not been so experienced, it would have gotten nowhere. They were ready to give it up after 2 dates, but she spoke to both the boy and girls, discussed their fears and B”H convinced them to continue. And, I must say, it’s a perfect match!! They are just so right for each other. But a young shadchan would never have been able to carry it off.

    Also, parents are sometimes uncomfortable talking about their hesitations and issues with people the age of their kids.

  9. Bottom line with shidduchim these days – MONEY TALKS – most times it makes no difference who is redding it – if a young veibel redds a shidduch where there is $$$ – she will get attention and respect – if there isnt $$$, or since she is young she cant negotiate $$$ – then rather than a cowardly parent admitting the real truth – the young veibel – who put in efforts – will get mistreated, misappreciated and often embarrassed by these parents

  10. This is a super article and so on the mark. Most of the mothers, especially the Hungarian ones, shtoltz out the young shadchanim, telling them to fly a kite. With treatment like that, don’t cry when your daughter is in her 20s and can’t find a shidduch.

  11. My as yet unmarried 19 y.o. daughter came up with an idea for a shidduch, a colleague of my husband’s with a former secretary from a different office job. She was very excited about this idea, but was realistic that she was not in a position to redt the shidduch, due to her age, unmarried status and the fact that it was not appropriate for her to speak with the gentleman in question about these matters. So she asked my husband to redt the shidduch, which he did. Turns out, it was a great idea. Such a great idea that they had actually been out 2 or 3 years ago and it didn’t go. My husband thought that perhaps it would be wise to suggest revisiting this, but neither party was interested. The point is, that if someone has a great idea, but they assess that realistically for whatever reasons the parties may not take their idea seriously, then find someone else who will be willing to move the shidduch forward. Yes, I know, you may not get shadchanus gelt, BUT it is still a mitzvah. My daughter feels very gratified by this experience, even though it went “nowhere”.

  12. recently I redd a shidduch to someone and in frnt of me he texted a well known shadchan in Lakewood to ask his opinion. The shadchan texted back its not a shidduch!! when asked why his response was no specific reason just “i dont think it will go”
    what chutzpa is that???? I can understand that you dont redd something that you dont feel it but if someone els redds it what gives you the right to nix it just because you dont “feel it”????
    Is that what the professional shadchanim are busy with all day? nixing the shiduchim thatthey dont redd?? I am told that all these lakewood so called shadchanim are the same way.
    Just because they talk to all the boys and girls what gives them the right to paskin ?/

  13. #11:
    we had 2 shadchanim- one who thought of it and one who dealt with the shidduch so we split the shadchanus. The person who suggests the shidduch is entitled to some of the shadchanus even if they don’t deal with the dating process- since it was their idea.

    #13: you are just ‘nogeya b’davar’. How do you know that the shadchan was selfish? If they are a shadchan not only for the money, and you have to be dan l’chaf zechus that they are- then they probably had very good reasons for nixing the shidduch. Maybe they had a perspective that you didn’t. You are just being sensitive, which is clouding your vision of judging them favorably.

  14. Suggesting a shiddch is a very personal endevour which one has to be really SENSITIVE about a 19 yo being a shudchan is not a good idea. There are subtlties that need to be recognised that may affect a marraige such as the MIDDOS. I was married to someone who was controlling by nature after 1 year of marraige it because more and more controling and abusive. A married person in a healthy relationship is more likely to recognise signs of abuse in a datng couple and ask the right questions on upbringing and different attitutes.

  15. My newly young married daughter and husband recently redd a shidduch for both of their best friend. The match was successful and they were married last month. They worked so hard at making the shidduch come about and I am so proud of them because everyone is so happy, the couple, both sets of parents.

    Best friends in many case know the couple involved better than any Shaddchan and at time than their family
    Kol Hachvod to friends who do this out of love
    even if they by Halacha should be paid as any Shaddchan is.


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