The Matzav Shmooze: Yeshiva Week Rules

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Dear [email protected],

This is not only for Miami, but can be applied anywhere. This is not meant to offend anyone, but to respect the locals who live here all year.

Please always remember to wear a mask and social distance when called for

1. Welcome to Miami. We are happy to have you. Please remember you are a Guest in our community & we work hard to maintain a clean, respectful community & hope you do the same

2. Double parking is illegal in Florida & leads to 41st St being backed up to the 195.,Miami beach police are heavily enforcing this & will tow you in seconds

3.  DO NOT PARK IN HANDICAPPED PARKING UNLESS YOU HAVE A VALID HANDICAPPED PLACARD. This is NOT the “but I’m just picking up my to go order.” These spots are reserved for people who need them, we will call the police and have your rental towed.

4. We do NOT yell at wait staff or cashiers here.  That’s obnoxious and a chillul Hashem. These people are our neighbors and a part of the overall community. They know our children by name, their likes and dislikes. And the staff of local establishments hate being treated like garbage because you are in a rush. Lack of planning on your part does NOT constitute an emergency on their part.

5. No, we are NOT SCARED OF ZIKA. We actually don’t know anyone who had Zika. Do you?

6. There is NO stop sign on the corner of 41st St and Indian Creek in the turning lane. Keep going. You stopping backs traffic all the way up Collins Ave and prevents people who actually live there from getting to work and school.

7. Yes, we have yeshivas and shuls here throughout the year.& It doesn’t matter how its done in your shul, as you are not in your shul right now.

8. Wrong way sign means …… do not enter the parking lot this way!!! You may have to circle the block to get in the proper way, it’ll only take a few minutes, so please go the correct way so you don’t screw up the flow of traffic and block everyone else from entering and exiting

9. Saying ‘Please’ & ‘Thank you’ isn’t chukas hagoyim. you are allowed to be polite. really.

10. There is one line. I don’t care if you ‘just want to order pizza’, you can wait, like everyone else.



  1. Long overdue.
    You may want to add when placing trash on the tree lawn for pick up to break down the boxes and place into on box. This way it will not be flying all around the streets and others properties.
    This should be taught in all schools, Bais Yaakovs, Yeshivos and Kollelim.
    It should be posted

  2. Here are a few more you forgot:

    11. We don’t know how to drive here. Please don’t honk at us when we stop for no reason at all in the middle of a street.

    12. We text and drive a lot here. You will even catch our police doing so. So if you see us driving like we’re texting, please assume we’re doing exactly that.

    13. And finally, even though we rely heavily on foreign money; we will NOT thank you for pumping millions of dollars each week into our economy. Who do you think you are!

  3. Thank you. It doesn’t just apply to Miami Beach. It also applies to right here in Brooklyn as well.
    As an aside, Bnei Torah/Yeshiva Bachurim should always wear a hat and jacket by davening EVEN ON VACATION!!! It’s clearly brought down in halacha. Being makpid on the dioraisa of Zman krias shma goes without saying.

  4. ok now kindly try sending the same message to all people who vacation in Florida. start with the black and Hispanic demographic and lets see their response to your knee-jerk letter.

  5. There is a very nice Shachris minyan at 8:45am in Ahavas Torah every morning. It’s a nice big new bais medrash on 40th street between Sheridan and Royal Palm (next to Chabad, across the street from the post office). I was there a few weeks ago and was impressed. You sort of have to wear a mask (at least over the mouth) but there is a coffee room which always has pre-packaged danishes. The Rav gives a daf yomi shiur (live & zoom) at 10:00, I believe. I also davened there Shabbos morning and they have a nice hot kiddush afterwards. Otherwise the Kollel has a 7:20am Shachris every morning, on Chase Ave between 37th & 40th. Very nice Yeshivishe minyan with fellow Bnei Torah. There they are extremely makpid on mask compliance however. Enjoy and stay safe.
    There is some controversy regarding eating food from the Dunkin Donuts on the corner of Sheridan and 41st. A lot of unsuspecting people think everything is good. Ask a shaila about the hechsher. It’s not so pashut.

  6. What an obnoxious post. It makes all in-towners sound very rude and self centered. Totally slanderous and inappropriate. I live in Lakewood and have been to Miami a few times and frankly think the people in Lakewood are very nice and caring, perhaps even more so than in other out-of-town cities.

  7. I currently live in Miami Beach.
    As Bnei Avrohom, Yitzchok, V’Yaakov, we look forward to seeing our brothers and sisters visit for some R&R in the Sunshine State.
    I believe that although many of the anonymous (which lacks credibility) suggestions are true, the tone is quite aggressive and inappropriate.
    Yehoshua Sova

  8. Dear Florida Man,

    Thank you for taking the time to enlighten us with your enlightening set of enlightening rules. In the spirit of reciprocity, here are a few rules and other thoughts from an unenlightened non-Floridian. (Hopefully they will be taken in the spirit in which they’re intended.)

    1) No, forty degrees Fahrenheit is not “inhumanly cold” and please don’t ask us “How can you take it?” For January, it’s downright balmy.

    2) Leaving your left-turn signal blinking does not entitle you to drive for mile after mile in the left lane of a two-lane highway at 45 MPH where the posted speed limit is 65 MPH.

    3) Yes, we know kosher pizza shops every block and 200 shteeblach per zip code seems excessive and confusing. No, we don’t forget which one is ours. Trust us.

    4) No, I don’t know your cousin Yankel Goldstein. Yes, he also lives in Brooklyn, but I’m in Boro Park and he’s in Williamsburg. Come to think of it, there’s probably at least three minyonim of Yankel Goldsteins in each, with another two in Flatbush.

    5) Can you even imagine a New York sports team named the “Pandemics”? Then why in the world does Florida have the “Hurricanes”?

    6) Your state may be known as “The Panhandle State”, but a quick drive through Manhattan shows that New York has far more panhandlers than you do. So there.

    7) We appreciate all that Florida sends us, such as their tasty oranges. They also send us hurricanes, “Florida Man” memes, and (thanks to your voters who couldn’t decipher a simple ballot) our 43rd president.

    8) Parking is at a premium. If you’re lucky enough to actually find parking for your oversized 1995 Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight (or Cadillac), please confine your retiree-mobile to a single parking spot.

    9) New Yorkers are in a hurry. If while shopping you are nudged aside by another shopper’s shopping cart, that’s what we consider an “Excuse me”. If one neglects to say “Please”, “Thank you”, or “Have a good day” to you it is not intentionally rude – we simply have neither the time nor the inclination to acknowledge your existence.

    10) If you happen to be in one of our shuls on Shabbos and a steaming hot bowl of chulent is placed on the table after davening, here’s a word to the wise: Manners are important and all that, but you snooze, you lose.

    11) We are happy to share with our friends in Florida. On that note, we hope you enjoy the Trump family. (And this list, which we enjoyed compiling.)

    • “we simply have neither the time nor the inclination to acknowledge your existence.”

      Ha ha ha ha! I actually burst out laughing on that one. Love it! +1
      Thanx for getting my endorphins (not the Dolphins) going.
      P.S. Florida is called the “Sunshine State”.

  9. so much hate!
    and by the way, all these “terrible” people from New york and everywhere else that come to miami and make it a little difficult for you….Too bad. Because the people in new york dont like when you sit by a red light for twenty minutes becaue you are fascinated by a kid with long peyos. and besides the businesses and stores in miami etc are supported by these out of towners, so please chill out and stop the hate.

  10. This article of “you are not welcome to visit my town” is not a chillul Hashem??? Amazing how people seek to utilize Sedonimite logic to accuse others of doing precisely what they are doing in their very accusation.

  11. wishful thinking, The aliens have arrived. on Miami Beach & Surfside for the next few weeks, and nothing anybody says or suggests matters


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